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Rating
Mature
Chapters
38
Words
135,365
Characters
Lupin, McGonagall, Snape, Sirius, Lily, James, Bellatrix, Voldemort, OC, OtherCanon
Primary Relationship
James/Lily
Secondary Relationship(s)
Genre(s)
Drama, Romance, Action/Adventure
Era
Marauders
Advisory
Strong Language, Strong Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature
Story Reviews
588
Status
Completed
First Published
2004-05-31 1:18am
Last Chapter
2009-07-31 12:12pm
Last Updated
2009-07-31 12:25pm

Track This Story: Feed

Ch. # Chapter Title Word Count Reviews
1 Part I: Before the War, Chapter 1: Bottled Feelings

She jumped when a door flew open and nearly hit her in the face. A boy appeared less than a foot away from her—James Potter. He was always jumping out at her from somewhere, as though he tracked her by radar. The second her brain registered who it was, she leapt away from him: She never liked to be too close to this boy if she could help it, in spite of James’s tendency to make this as difficult as possible for her.

4,145 28
2 Still James Potter

“Why do you always have to go and do this?” she asked in disgust.
“Making me spew my guts with that stench of his is good enough reason, I reckon,” retorted James, smirking.
More laughter. Lily’s eyes wandered back to Snape. He was giving her a look that said, “How can you talk to these people?”

2,909 13
3 Black Encounters

She’s not a witch. She’s just a filthy rotten mudblood,” she spat, throwing a disgusted look at Lily. “You think you’re all that because you’re Head Girl who somehow wormed her way to the top of the class but to those of us who know the value of pure blood, you’re nothing more than a worthless piece of scum.

2,797 12
4 Incredible

All of a sudden, the Snitch jerked a few more feet downward so that it was hardly a yard off the ground. Ivan pulled away to keep from crashing but James didn’t hesitate. A strange silence hung in the air as the spectators gaped at him, sure that he would smash into the ground and yet unable to look away. It would be impossible for him to survive at the speed he was going….

3,447 16
5 A Custom Rekindled

Many guys would have begged her to be their date but James had a way of strolling around the corner just as one of them thought they’d built up enough courage to ask. One menacing look shooed them away quite quickly, leaving Lily with no offers. Except for one, of course. Actually, she received loads of propositions— but they were all from one person; James. And in her mind, he didn’t count.

2,686 15
6 Dipping and Spinning

Her new dance partner twirled her about playfully and let her fall into a dip. Lily found herself laughing in his arms without really thinking about what was happening.

3,172 14
7 The First of Many

No one noticed the peculiar look that flashed across James’s face when he saw Remus take the seat next to Lily. Normally, James would have swept into that seat whether he was wanted there or not, but now that Lily and Remus were practically a couple, it didn’t seem appropriate. Instead, he took the seat next to Sirius without another moment’s hesitation. Everyone felt that there was something oddly wrong about this arrangement, but no one said anything.

3,591 15
8 Part II: Revolution, Chapter 8: Better Off

Seeing his face gave her an odd feeling…like she wasn’t supposed to be there, standing in Remus’s living room. She couldn’t explain it. Was it guilt? Was it shame? Whatever it was, it had caught her off-guard.

3,777 12
9 Fellow Gryffindors

Lily could see that he was testing her. He didn’t believe that she would really abuse her Head Girl privileges. In fact, she hardly believed it. But she couldn’t show any signs of hesitance at the thought of breaking a rule. They were breaking the law, if what Remus had said was true, and this was her chance to prove that they weren’t the only ones who weren’t afraid of a little risk.

2,979 11
10 One Night of Gallivanting

She, Lily Evans, was about to get caught wandering around the castle at midnight in the company of Sirius Black and James Potter—all to gain their trust! And to think that she was usually the one doing the catching.

4,068 11
11 Another Nasty Rumor

Some of the students, like Bellatrix, were viciously triumphant; some were fair, while others were shocked. As for the people who did not believe the gossip, their minds changed when the four subjects of the rumor walked into the Great Hall together. Lily tried not to listen, to rise above it, but inside, she was tearing apart.

5,718 13
12 Lily's First Detention

It was simple; he had forsaken her when she had needed his trust…and James—despite all her efforts to repel him in the past— had not. That’s all there was to it.

3,288 10
13 Meeting Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

What she really wanted to do was watch for anyone sneaking out late from the common room…James and Sirius to be specific. Lily was sure they hadn’t rushed up to their dormitory to go to bed. They had something planned and Lily was determined to know what it was. Wasn’t a week’s worth of detentions enough for them?

3,458 9
14 Singing in the Dead of Night

“It’s Voldemort. You’ve read the news. He kills people at random all the time. It won’t stop until somebody gets rid of him…and who knows when that’s going to happen,” said James gravely.

4,795 13
15 Right Again

Lily thought back to when she had raged about Remus to James in the prefect lounge and recalled James trying to tell her that Remus was going through a tough time. In her fury, Lily hadn’t given it a thought but now she wished she had listened to him.
 
Why was he suddenly right about everything? It was really starting to irritate her.

3,519 9
16 The Diary of Snivellus Snape

She just couldn’t deal with all the chaos and ambiguity that came with James. Lily was starting to realize how much influence he had begun to have over her and she wasn’t sure how she felt about this change.   Once she had been so certain about what she thought of James Potter, of what she thought of everything.
 

6,435 14
17 Disguises

Lily nodded and let her eyes flicker once more over Clive, who had a tint of shrewd amusement on his face as he continued to stare at her. Lily blushed deeper and walked through the doors of the hospital wing, knowing that he probably still had his eyes fixed on her back and feeling quite pleased about it.

2,661 16
18 Sinking

As if possessed by another being, Lily’s arms went around his neck. He moved closer and pressed her into the wall, sneaking his cold hands under her robes as his lips slammed into hers. Lily sunk into him weakly, letting him numb her mind. For the first time that day, she stopped worrying.

3,867 17
19 Despised Addiction

She was supposed to be the one who got to walk away. She was supposed to be able to leave James, wallowing in guilt and humiliation. Instead, she watched James turn his back and walk away with his mates as though he hadn’t a care in the world. 

3,436 25
20 To Be Loved

They didn’t ask any questions. They didn’t mention the funeral or the dispute between Lily and Summer or any of other things they had been struggling with during Di’s absence. They simply regrouped, slipping for a brief time into their own perfect universe where these things didn’t exist.

2,843 17
21 Unforgiving Marks

She turned to James and nearly collapsed to her knees. He had slid to the floor and lay there, motionless. There was a rushing sound in her ears; she felt like she was falling, falling…

3,143 15
22 Ready to Fly

And now she could see that she had always missed that part of him…ignored it. It had always been there for her to see, all those times she had spent with him throughout her entire life at Hogwarts. She had just never bothered to look before this moment.

4,258 20
23 Part III: Sacrifice, Chapter 23: Those Spring Nights

A light had flicked on in her brain that first night she had flown with James.   Lily saw that although James had pushed for the riddance of Clive, he had stood back and let her make the decision for herself, knowing it was what she needed. She could now see that, like Sirius, she had been blind to certain parts of James. He was wiser than he seemed.

4,204 12
24 Trust Me

As they ascended, she grew more and more uneasy. Lily’s mind began to bubble with wild notions of where he could possibly be leading her. There was something distinctly off about James: Was this really the time to put her trust in him?

3,369 13
25 The Only "He"

She yanked James’s arm as she crept through the shop. They tiptoed through the basement door and started down the staircase. Halfway down, James’s foot caught on a large crate. He fell against Lily and they both went crashing down, crate and all. They landed in a heap among the contents of the box, James giggling wildly.

3,399 13
26 In the Rain

Before she could stop them, scenes of the morning before flashed through her mind. She winced. She was so tired of feeling this pain. It made her even angrier with herself. Why was she letting him do this to her? That’s what he wants…The only thing she should be feeling is fury; that’s what he deserves.

4,193 29
27 Shattered Perfection

It was odd to feel so different while following the same daily routine. Lily always had a smile sparkling just beneath the surface. She forgot how to walk, but skipped or flew instead. Her happiness shimmered within her very skin. It was gentle and pure but could spark up in brilliant flames.

4,237 13
28 Blaze of Hatred

She tried to imagine James as Prongs, antlers edged with silver moonlight, galloping around Hogsmeade with Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail, having nothing but carefree fun. She hoped the image would calm her but instead, it made her restless and uneasy. 

2,655 10
29 Fatal Fury

Suddenly, a window burst from the inside as Pritchard and the girls passed by. Lily was only partly aware of the commotion and was even less fazed by it. She kept her eyes focused on the back of Snape’s head and concentrated on moving her feet in his direction.

2,080 11
30 A Nightmare

Sirius stood up. He was looking past Lily at James. Perhaps it was fortunate that Lily was not looking at him and could not see the utterly lost expression they shared. It would have made her vomit and she already felt too weak to support Diana. It was better that she did not know everyone around her was weighed down with the same feeling, that Sirius and James were nowhere near to having the control they appeared to have. For the moment, Lily needed to believe the pretense or they all would have broken down.

3,306 6
31 The Foolish One

James’s chest rose and fell so quickly that the lining of moonlight along his silhouette smeared into a blur. He could not speak.
 
“ANSWER ME, BOY! Let’s see that famous Potter family courage!” The man’s voice had filled with hatred.

3,615 20
32 First Defiance

Lily wanted to run to her and wrap her arms around the poor woman’s head, squeeze out her ability to hear so that she would be spared of having to face the words, “He didn’t make it.”

3,985 14
33 Fire

Lily knew she was going to ask why and she would have no choice but to say that he had been tortured by his father and then she would have to explain everything—about the curses and the attack and Voldemort and that whole, terrible night. There was too much they didn’t know, too much they could never understand.

2,796 18
34 The Questioning

Everything was exactly how James had left it that night of the battle in Hogsmeade. For a moment, Lily could imagine nothing had changed since then. It was almost as though he would throw open the door and come striding into the room. 

3,685 11
35 Little Fantasies

Lily thought she saw a spark of anger flash through his eyes. “I’m not giving up on him. Of course not. He’s Prongs.” Then his face softened. He reached up and gently cupped his hands around her arms. “I just can’t keep seeing him like that. I can’t stand it. You know?”

4,324 17
36 Lost Time

What do you think is wrong?” she cried. “Have you noticed that someone rather important to me has not been around lately? Or are you too busy getting ready to work for that power-hungry bloke who almost arrested you for murder? I don’t know, Di, but I don’t really see what isn’t wrong with that! I just know that if I ever killed someone, the last thing I would do is celebrate.”

3,172 29
37 Lullaby

"They recognized the group lounging under the beech tree by the lake. Half of Lily wanted to sprint over to them screaming, “JAMES IS BACK!” while the other half wanted to slow their pace and keep him all to herself."

2,972 11
38 Epilogue: Lily and James

She had been doing everything with more care these past few weeks, as though relearning how to do simple acts of day-to-day life. Because her life was no longer day-to-day. And it was no longer only hers. She could not be careless.

2,381 36

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