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McGonagall, Snape, Percy, Cedric, Fred, George, Oliver, OC, OtherCanon
Primary Relationship
Other Pairing
Secondary Relationship(s)
Cho/Cedric, OC/OC
Humor, Romance, AU
Strong Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature
Story Reviews
First Published
2008-10-12 12:03pm
Last Chapter
2009-04-20 11:33pm
Last Updated
2009-06-20 11:59pm

Track This Story: Feed

Ch. # Chapter Title Word Count Reviews
1 In Which We Meet the Heroine

Yes, I fancied Oliver, but I wasn’t going to start wearing enough make-up for a clown, a push-up bra, and shirts cut down to my navel just to get his attention. Instead, I pretended like nothing had changed, but made the mistake of telling Riley, Angelina, Katie, and Alicia about my little crush. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are great, but Riley is a hopeless romantic, Angie’s a cynic, Katie’s about as oblivious as Oliver, and Alicia has a tendency to be tactless.This would not in and of itself be a problem if I had realized it at the time.

3,147 30
2 In Which Wood is a Fascist Quidditch Captain

“You bloody moron!” I hissed, rolling my eyes in disbelief.  “That’s mad!  You can’t punish Katie for not dating someone, and you can’t punish Alicia because she only ran around with Roger after the match was over.” I lied.  “Please don’t start this year out by being all fascist again.”

3,042 21
3 In Which Wood is Disconcerting, and Kenna is not a Happy Camper

Potions class, as I had expected, was really quite dreadful.  What do you get when you add one irate Snape plus an icky dungeon plus evil Slytherins plus ingredients with a tendency to explode plus a six foot four Nazi Quidditch Captain as a partner??  That’s right.  Welcome to Kenna Appleby’s own personal seventh circle of hell.  In case that isn’t descriptive enough, or is somehow muddy in meaning, I’ll clarify.  Hell.  Is not.  Fun.

4,050 12
4 In Which Everyone Hides Underneath a Table and Wood Acts Girly

“ Bloody hell, geroff me, you wanker!” I announced peevishly.  “You’re squishing me to bits here!”

“Sorry.” he intoned, looking more devilish than contrite.  Then he got that look in his eye again.  The one that meant he was considering the fact that I was a reasonably fit, unattached female and that we were all alone and that he was about to turn my world upside down.  Again.

4,954 24
5 In Which Percy Introduces Idiotic Commentary and Someone is Threatened by a Spoon

I was sort of expecting Katie to argue, but instead, she just gave us all a long, hard look, then nodded, staring out the window at the Whomping Willow.  I swear, that tree is possessed Snape or something!  Seriously.  It’s bad tempered and rude and  never lets you have a chance to say what you want, and I bet if it could, it would totally take points away from everyone.

4,265 12
6 In Which We Meet Miss Grapealicious Banana-Melon Peachberry Princess

 I’ve been avoiding Wood like the plague, except when I can’t get away from him, like in Potions class or at practice.  He’s still got that look in his eye, and what’s more, every time he sees me, he gets this stubborn set to his chin and starts striding over, like there’s a conversation between the two of us that’s long overdue.  Ha!!  I don’t think so, Oliver!!  You might think you can charm me into being your love slave, and maybe you can, but I’m not giving you the opportunity to test that theory!!!

5,341 16
7 In Which Oliver Narrates, Kenna Rants, and New Rules are Instated

 Because if I fail in my mission (it’s titled Operation:  Make Kenna Realize I Am Not a Fascist), I’m going to have several highly pissed off people after me.  And while the idea of Kenna with a spoon is terrifying, I think I might survive.  She would eventually take one look into my 'iridescent amber eyes' (Her words, not mine.  Fred and George stole her diary once and read it to me.  I was both repulsed and fascinated.) and melt sufficiently so that I could make an escape.

4,429 26
8 In Which Kenna is Cornered and Percy Makes Another Bet

Ooh, Hogsmeade weekend is tomorrow!! Joy, joy, joy!! I will be able to get chocolate and recover the little bit of sanity I possess. I will be able to avoid Wood and those freaks I call friends and no one will try to ravish me against a wall.

5,446 19
9 In Which Kenna and Oliver Go to Hogsmeade

I saw the wheels turning in Riley’s head. I nearly ran out of the room then and there. “Oh, nothing much.” She grinned slyly before screeching loud enough for the entire castle to hear. “Unless you want me to tell you how KENNA APPLEBY FANCIES THE PANTS OFF OF OLIVER WOOD.”

7,049 26
10 In Which Snogging Occurs, Percy Returns, Advice is Given, and Oliver Narrates

One would think that I would already know this. After all, I had the bad taste to date him once upon a time, and it wasn’t like we were just a couple of innocent second years at the time. Although, come to think of it, I know I wasn’t all that innocent when I was twelve, and I don’t think Oliver’s been innocent since he first discovered he had the power to melt females of all ages with his smile. I like to believe that he discovered this little tidbit the moment his mummy first held him in her arms.

4,229 23
11 In Which Quidditch is Played and Oliver Asks An Important Question

In his defense, today’s the first Quidditch match of the season, and I suppose he’s too busy with his captaining to bother screwing around with his Seeker, who should by all rights be freaking concentrating on the match instead of worrying about a sarcastic, entirely too good-looking arse.

I can’t believe that I just defended Oliver.  The world must be coming to an end.

4,769 26
12 In Which Explanations Are Given and Kenna is Irrational

But no.  They insist on swapping saliva directly in the middle of the Transfiguration corridor.  In the middle of the corridor!!!!  I was just trying to get to Arithmancy as quickly as possible after skipping lunch (I wasn’t in the mood to try and act normally around, ha, Oliver, just yet), and I bumped into the pair of them.  Oliver broke away, startled.

3,784 27
13 In Which Love is Confessed, Snape Has the Giggles, Fights Break Out, and Percy Eavesdrops

His hair was no longer pink, but his nails were still growing and his mouth wouldn’t stop moving.  He clamped a hand over it, trying to avoid whatever it was he was trying to say, but it was no use.  “I’m a fancy pants!”  The entire class grew quiet, even Snape.  “I’m camp, gay, homosexual!”  Wow.  This was shocking.  “I want to shag Percy Weasley.”  That was just disturbing.  Ollie and I cracked up anyways.

5,650 26
14 In Which Pillows are Thrown, Brennan is Annoying, Fascism Returns, and Percy is Nowhere in Sight

“Oliver.” Katie said in a mock serious tone.  We all turned to look at her.  “Should I be worried that you’re going to cheat on me?” 

I rolled my eyes.  “For the last bloody time, WE ARE JUST FRI—“ I began, but she cut me off with a giggle.

“No, Kenna.” she told me, her face flushed with mischief.  “I was talking about Marcus.”

3,823 32
15 In Which Fred, George, and Kenna Visit a Broom Closet and Kenna Has an Epiphany

They exchanged smug glances.  “Let’s just say we bribed Percy to tell us what was going on.  After all, if Wood’s planning any surprise Quidditch ambushes, it’s in our best interest to know beforehand.” George explained.  In a strange way, this actually made sense.

4,935 32
16 In Which Snowballs Are Thrown, Brennan is a Stalker, Oliver is Ignored, and Aidan Asks Questions

“I thought that McGonagall was going to murder him for—Fred Weasley, if you don’t stop that this instant, I am going to write your mother and tell her about that last detention of yours!” Angelina finally snapped as yet another snowball pelted her in the arse.

5,100 30
17 In Which Kenna Eavesdrops, Aidan Visits, Oliver Annoys, and Smith is Introduced

I smiled thinly.  “He told me so.” Oliver made a sound of derision, and I went on.  “Also, he likes me and realizes that meeting my family’s a good idea.  The fact that he’d like to get his hands up my skirt probably doesn’t hurt.” 

5,431 30
18 In Which Kenna is Hurt, Aidan is Understanding, Oliver is Insulting, and the Weasleys Sing a Love Song

“If you’ll excuse me, then.” I said stiffly, and I stalked past the pair of them into the relative safety of the bathroom.  I’m not going to cry.  I’m not going to cry.  I am not going to cry.  I kept repeating the mantra to myself over and over and over again in my head until my mind was so numb that I couldn’t keep fighting it.  So that was what Oliver truly thought of me; he’d all but called me a slag.  To my face.  He thought I was no better than a prostitute.  And he was supposed to be my friend.

4,790 41
19 In Which Katie Meddles, Kenna Explains, and Oliver Confronts

Yes, Katie was a meddling little slag-bird, but she was my friend, my roommate, and in spite of her many faults, I loved her.  In a completely platonic and not-at-all creepy way, of course.  So if she was going to pretend to be too cowardly to confront Oliver, it was pretty much my sacred duty as one of her best mates to do so for her.

5,444 26
20 In Which Kenna Gets a Letter, Penny Gives it Up, and Nobody is in Love

And don’t you dare throw this letter away or burn it or tear it into shreds until you’ve read all the way through. Trust me, I’ll know if that happens. I may not be a witch, but I’ve been married to a wizard for twenty years, and I’m your mum. I have eyes in the back of my head.

4,596 29
21 In Which McGonagall Lectures, A Party is Thrown, and a Revelation Occurs

She seemed almost amused. “You apparently can’t focus around Montgomery, either. If there’s no other problem, you might try sitting with Mr. Wood again; the pair of you could probably pay more attention sitting next to each other. That way, you wouldn’t have to send longing glances at the back of his head, and Mr. Wood might be able to face the front of the class again instead of staring at you all period.”

5,833 24
22 In Which Nefertiti is Demanding, Oliver is Anxious, and Kenna is Still Confused

“To Mr. Oliver Wood, Gryffindor House, Hogwarts, Scotland.” I read in a voice I couldn’t quite keep from shaking.  Oliver stood up and started pacing, which I thought was ridiculous, but it was his future I held in my hands, not mine.  “Unfortunately, there is not a Keeper position open on our first team at this time—“ Oliver’s face fell dramatically.  “But we are pleased to inform you that there is a position open on our reserve squad.  Should you choose to accept it, the position is yours.” 

4,630 29
23 In Which Quidditch is Played and Kenna and Oliver are Locked Inside a Dormitory

“Mmphnga.” I tried to talk, but my mouth still wasn’t working.

“Oh, we know.” Katie replied brightly.  “We love you, too!  See you two later!”  That was definitely not what I had been saying.  Lucky for Katie that I couldn't move or I'd have broken her face.

7,152 33
24 In Which Kenna and Oliver Are Still Locked in the Dormitory and Things Occur

“This isn’t funny, Oliver.” my voice shook.  “Leave me alone.”

“I never said it was.” he murmured.  “But I’m afraid I can’t do that.” He reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, and I felt my knees lock.

“I mean it, Ollie.” I was coming close to panicking.  “This isn’t a game.”

His eyes met mine once more, and for the first time, they were completely serious.  “You don’t know how right you are, love.”

3,700 34
25 In Which Kenna Goes to Hogsmeade, Aidan Amuses, and Oliver Reveals

“Kenna!” Oliver called after me, but I didn’t stop.  “Kenna, no!  Wait!”

I didn’t wait for him.  I couldn’t.  The tears that I thought had dried up a week before came back in full force, and my eyes were streaming as I made my way out onto the street, going somewhere, anywhere that would take me far away from Oliver.

4,168 25
26 In Which Everything is As it Should Be and Nobody Wants to Kill the Author

“No.” I yelled.  “You are done talking.  I don’t want to hear how she’s the sun and the moon and the stars.  And do you know why?”  I didn’t even wait for him to respond.   “Because I’m bloody in love with you, you tosser.” 

4,079 36
27 In Which the Author Writes an Epilogue and a New Story Begins

“Actually, no.” I replied dryly, wiggling a little underneath him.  His eyes crossed and his body pressed harder into mine.  It was certainly true that he knew how he affected me.  But it was equally true that I knew how I affected him.  And if certain body parts could be believed, which they most certainly could, Oliver was definitely affected.  It brought a smug smile to my lips as I continued.  “I really don’t want to.”

3,598 65


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