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Rating
Mature
Chapters
20
Words
27,447
Characters
Harry, Ron, Hermione, McGonagall, Lucius, Narcissa, Draco, OC
Primary Relationship
Secondary Relationship(s)
Ron/Hermione, Draco/Hermione
Genre(s)
Humor, Romance
Era
Hogwarts
Advisory
Strong Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature
Story Reviews
410
Status
Completed
First Published
2006-04-25 2:53pm
Last Chapter
2006-11-13 5:10am
Last Updated
2011-11-24 4:51am

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Ch. # Chapter Title Word Count Reviews
1 And it all comes crumbling down.

McGonagall had given all the House Elves permission – she had even encouraged them – to poke Malfoy with a stick. (But only Dobby does this from time to time and it is always followed by a lot of self-inflicted pain on his part.)

849 16
2 The boy referred to as delicious.

‘Tall, blond and handsome, you mean?’ she finally said. This threw me off for a second, until I realised you could describe Malfoy like that. It was just so far from what I’d anticipated she would say. ‘I guess…’ was all I managed to mumble.
 

1,129 19
3 How pie sets in motion a chain reaction.

When I returned to the kitchen Malfoy was already sitting at the counter (one) and munching away at the tempting pumpkin pie I had baked (two) with the smug smirk on his face (three) that always makes me want to bash his head in with whatever is within reach (four). I know that when something or someone annoys you; you should count to ten and then you’re supposed to feel calm again. With Malfoy however, I never seem to get beyond four or five. But I was genuinely trying until he said ‘I’m back!’

1,083 10
4 The nut, the nail and the sweater.

‘Um, would you please help me? My sweater is stuck on a nail and I can’t…’ I began, but before I’d finished the sentence Malfoy was already standing before me. He was wearing a black sweater and a faded pair of jeans. A tiny defiant wisp of his hair tickled the side of my face as he bent over to study the place where nail had captured sweater. When he began pulling on the sweater he came even closer and suddenly this intimacy scared me so much that I started shivering. He immediately noticed the change in me and spoke to me in a reassuring tone. ‘Come on, I won’t hurt you.’

1,190 11
5 'I ate it.'

‘The letter you just received. I know it was Potter’s owl, so if the information is confidential you can just not tell me…’ he fell silent for a moment. ‘Where is the letter now?’ ‘I ate it.’ ‘You ate it,’ he said as if it wasn’t proof of me being totally mental.

1,055 13
6 Honey, sugarplum, cupcake: No! No! No! No! No! No!

‘I gather you know the saying?’ ‘Which saying?’ I asked. ‘Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned. Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,’ London recited. She glared at me, briefly focussed on something behind me and then walked past me as if she didn’t just threaten me.

1,013 11
7 Revenge tastes o so sweet.

Neville, Ginny and even Luna, who was never one to judge, kept going on about how evil and manipulative Malfoy was and that I shouldn’t get involved with him. Harry and Ron, no doubt informed by Ginny, were wearing down Hedwig with long letters directed to me pointing out the danger of succumbing to Malfoy’s charms. What charms? The guy possessed no charms. Personality-wise Malfoy had everything I didn’t want in a man.

1,324 14
8 A half-baked decision.

‘Marriage,’ Malfoy said. No, I should rephrase that; I thought I heard him say marriage, but of course he didn’t say that. This was like the time when I thought he called me honey and…he called me honey. Okay, this was nothing like that. HE. DID. NOT. SAY. MARRIAGE. Now that was cleared up I was going to have to find out what he did say and I wasn’t about to ask him whether he’d asked me to marry him, so I feigned temporary deafness.

1,304 22
9 I consume, you consume, we don’t consummate.

‘Dobby has heard you’re to marry the son of my former master. Draco Malfoy,’ Dobby said with his big, round eyes firmly on me. ‘Yes, that’s right. And before you’re going to say what you think of him and cause yourself grave bodily harm I’ll do it for you. He’s evil, not to be trusted, a coward, a disgusting cockroach, a superficial twit, a conceited git, and on top of it all he’s an arrogant weasel. Is the insult you were going for somewhere in there? Dobby?’

1,426 23
10 La Casa de Comida.

‘Well, we aren’t married yet, you bitch!’ he snapped. ‘Quite right, bastard!’ I responded. He’d risen from his chair and picked up his drink. Trembling with restrained anger he stared outside and drained his glass in one big gulp. I was furious to the point where I could have pushed him out of the window, bludgeoned him to death with one of the ugly vases standing around or poked his eyes out with my wand. Any one of those three sounded very good to me at that moment.

1,540 23
11 Groom on the cake and vice versa.

I grabbed the biggest piece of the cake and I threw it in his face. Merlin, that felt good! ‘The cake is good, but I’d rather have it on a plate’ Draco said with his face full of cake. ‘We had an agreement. The kiss would be platonic,’ I said. ‘So?’ ‘Well, that kiss wasn’t platonic. There was tongue!’

1,495 17
12 Lost appetite, the wedding night, prelude to a fight

Mock. Mock. Mock. Mock. Go ahead. Mock me for hours. I deserve it. Agreeing to marry Malfoy and then also going on a honeymoon. It’s enough mock-material for years to come. But anyway…I wanted to go away on a honeymoon. Not because the thought of Draco and me alone somewhere, married and all, excited me (though it certainly did).

1,448 22
13 Recipe for trouble.

Immediate punishment for sleeping with the enemy. What is it about Draco that makes me want to do…all the things we did last night? I don't even like him, but I want him. Punishment for the above: Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy and Ron and Harry in one room. Throw Draco and me in the mix and you have the recipe for trouble. Harry was the first to recover from the horribleness of it all and speak. 'Have you two… No don't tell me. I don't want to know and I especially don't want the visual that goes with that knowledge.'

1,492 19
14 Mind over batter

‘It’s me, Draco,’ a voice out of the dark answered and I recognised it. It was Draco alright and at the same time it wasn’t. His voice was cracked with hurt. He sounded as if he was in actual physical pain. My eyes were adjusting to the darkness, but he was still a shadow. 'Don’t you want to come in?’ Another silence. I was so close to him now that I could hear him breathing. His breath came out in raggedy, difficult puffs. ‘I have to go,’ he simply said, offering no explanation. ‘No! Tell me what’s wrong,’ I stated firmly. I was cold and tired and growing more concerned.

1,341 12
15 Why new foods and intimacy terrify us

‘You kissed me,’ Draco said. What was up with those weird stating-the-obvious-sentences? ‘Well, kissed. If touching your lips with mine is considered kissing then I guess I did.’ ‘I’d consider that kissing, yes. If I remember correctly, the lips of two people touching is indeed kissing. I could look it up though. I’m pretty sure that’s the synonym for kissing, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we should…’ he said, grinning.

1,882 21
16 A dish best served cold.

‘What did you discuss with Draco?’ I asked, straight to the point even though I was afraid of what her answer could be. ‘Discuss? We don’t discuss a whole lot. Sometimes we don’t even talk, if you get my drift,’ she says staring intently at me to see how I react to this revelation, but I don’t show her a glimpse of the disappointment I feel. My non-reaction doesn’t seem to satisfy her and her face reflects a strange mixture of anger and mildness.

1,539 22
17 'Bite me!'

‘I’m so tired of being called strange and being referred to as “it”. I was going to say you were strange because you’re so adamant on believing that you’re the bad guy. Have you ever considered the possibility that you don’t have to be the bad guy? It’s a conscious choice you make and not a matter in which you are a mere puppet. And just because your father has chosen to be the bad guy, as I now so simply put it, doesn’t mean you automatically also are the bad guy. Think about it,’ I said,' because personally I think you'd make a perfectly good good guy.'

1,090 15
18 Broken dreams and plates.

On top of my headache the ice cream wasn’t such a good idea, but it would be impolite to refuse his non-apology gift. Furthermore, if I’d told him I had a head ache he would have wanted to take care of me and the last thing I wanted was a repeat of the intimacy we’d shared when he was unwell.
I think we both got a brain freeze, because we were so uncomfortable in a bedroom in each other’s presence that we ate the ice cream way too fast. Maybe we were hoping for a false reality to take over in which we were friends.

2,049 20
19 Kiss the cook

I jumped almost through the ceiling when George yelled,’ Boo!’

‘Blimey! George, do try to act your age for once,’ I said, regaining my senses.

‘”Blimey”? You’ve been hanging around my cute little brother too much. Since you’re Hermione I think can rule out the possibility that you’re here to purchase some of our products?,’ I nodded affirmative and George continued,’ Do you know we actually considered advertising our Headless Hats with the tagline ‘Hermione Granger calls them CLEVER’? But then we decided against it, because we like our frowned upon reputation.'

1,755 20
20 Cutlery that does mesh

'And now you listen to me. I am married and you can’t just come in here and start kissing me. If you’d wanted to kiss me you should have done that a long time ago. But you didn’t and you’ve blown your chance. And let me tell you something else. I have had it with you and Harry’s stupid excuses. ‘We need someone at Hogwarts’, ‘We can’t tell you anything because you’re married to Malfoy’. I’m sick and tired of your whole men’s work crap. I’m going to help you find those Horcruxes, I should have been doing that all along.’

1,443 80

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