Ch. 1: Sirius' Mistake

In the inky black darkness, Sirius struggled. He struggled with longing, fear and desperation. He struggled against the weakness and he agonized over the feeling of helplessness that had engulfed him.


Sirius sank further into the shadows of his room. Company was the last thing he needed.

“Come now, it can’t be that bad.” The soft voice moved closer. Her steps were tentative and Sirius could hear the slight quiver in her voice.

“Afraid of me, Lily?”

“Of course not.” Lily sank down beside him. “Are you still angry?”

“You’ve disappointed me. You’re usually such an excellent judge of character.”

“What do you mean?”

“Coming here? To my room, in the dead of night? What would your little girlfriends say about you sitting in Sirius Black’s bed?”

“They’d be un-imaginably jealous.” Lily relaxed. “At least you don’t sound quite so angry anymore.”

“I’m not angry, Lily. I never was.” Sirius sighed. “Once again you’ve misjudged me.”

“I never misjudge you.” Lily said softly. “It’s just easier to say you’re angry than it is to bruise your ego by saying your feelings were hurt.”

Sirius ignored her comment and pulled her to her feet. “Let’s go walk the grounds. I could use some air.”

As they moved through the corridors and onto the darkened Hogwarts grounds, Sirius shortened his steps to match Lily’s smaller ones. The misty fog had grown heavy with nightfall and he didn’t want to chance her getting separated.

“So, why would they be jealous?” he asked absentedly.

“A midnight rendezvous with the mysterious and reclusive Sirius Black?” Lily laughed. “Their imaginations would run wild. They’re hopelessly infatuated with you.”

“Really? I never noticed.” Sirius shrugged and tried to get his mind back on their conversation.

“No, you never would.”

“Is that what this is, then? A rendezvous?” Sirius could see the blush on Lily’s cheeks evening through the murky fog. He laughed loudly and it echoed across the grounds. “Don’t despair, Lily. Your virtue is safe with me.”

Sirius slipped his arm around her shoulder, letting it rest there as they continued to walk further away from the castle.

“Where are we going?”


“Wipe that smug grin off your face. I don’t scare that easily.”


The two walked in silence until they reached the outskirts of Hogsmeade. Directing her to a path she’d never noticed before, Sirius led her to an alley behind several shops. “Wait here.” Sirius stepped a pace away from her and tapped on a wooden door. He talked quietly to the man who answered, then soon returned to her with two mugs in hand. “Come on, there’s a place around the corner we can sit and talk.”

“I don’t drink, Sirius.” Lily protested as she followed him to a quiet place in the trees.

“Relax, Evans.” Sirius plopped onto the ground with a thud, resting his back against a tree. “The mead is for me and the hot cider is for you.”

“Cider?” Lily sniffed the mug he handed her uncertainly.

“I didn’t spike it. I rarely find I need to get women drunk. You just looked chilled.”

“Kind of you.” She sank down beside him.

“Don’t spread it around.”

“Why do you let them affect you so much?”


“Yes, the Slytherins. Lily sounded exasperated. “You shouldn’t lower yourself to their level. It’s beneath you.”

“Is it?”

“Who would’ve guesses that Sirius Black has self-doubts?”

Sirius didn’t answer and sipped his drink instead.

“Anyone who really knows you, I suppose.” Lily answered herself. “Remus didn’t mean those things.”

“Sure he did. He’s a prefect, isn’t he? I was fighting as dirty as Lucius. I probably should have been in Slytherin.”

“Don’t say that. You’re loyal…”

“Must you always be so positive? For once, can’t you see the other side of things?”

“You mean the other side of you?” Lily countered. “No, I can’t. Because it’s not true. The darkness you see in yourself is just a shadow. An illusive silhouette that you think will one day become real.”

“English please.”

“You’re just afraid you’ll turn out like your family.” Lily was surprised when Sirius didn’t argue.

“It haunts me.” He said quietly. “When I’m awake and when I dream. It’s always there.”

Lily moved closer to him, placing her hand on his arm. “You’re carrying a heavy burden, Sirius. Your family name is legendary.” Lily put her hand over his glass as he tried to take a drink. “But you are not them. You will not be known for the things they are known for.”

“Well, what will I be known for?”

“Whatever you want.” Lily said lightly. “And I can only imagine what that would be.”

“Loyalty.” Sirius whispered. “More than anything in the world, I want people to know my loyalty to my friends is true.”

“They know…”

“No.” Sirius cut her off. “They doubt. Everyone does. Just once, I want everyone to believe without question.”

“You could die happy with something as simple as that?” Lily asked in disbelief.

“Yes.” Sirius grinned. “I’m full of surprises.” Lily settled back against Sirius. “How about you?”

“I just want to have a family and grow old.”

“A muggle fantasy.” Sirius laughed and wrapped his arm around her in a hug.

“Think I’m crazy?” she dropped her head into his chest.

“You’ll have to find someone other than me to fulfill that fantasy.”

“Why’s that?”

“Don’t think my family would welcome you with open arms.”

“Oh, yes. The dreaded mudblood.”

“Don’t say that.” Sirius moved her to face him. “I don’t want to ever hear you say that.”

“I was only joki…”

“No you weren’t.” Sirius shook his head. “I know it bothers you so don’t ever act like it doesn’t. But I can’t change my family.”

“You’re not the marrying kind anyway.”

“Remus or James. You should try them.”

“I’ll try and remember that the next time I feel the urge to sneak out.”

“I could make you forget.”

“Probably.” Lily ran her hand down his arm, the curves of his muscles making her hand fall in waves. When she realized what she was doing, she immediately jerked her hand away.

“Been listening to the school girls discuss me, have you?” he asked huskily.

“They have great stories, you know.” She said lightly. “Things you do…”

“Children’s gossip.”

“You mean…”

“I stay away from the girls at Hogwarts for a reason.”

“And why is that?”

“Because their gossip makes good girls like you think things like that.” Sirius said laughing.

“You can be such an ass.”

“We’ve been friends for a long time, Lily.” Sirius had gotten serious again. “We’ve sneaked out hundreds of times.”

“Well, of course we have.”

“Look at me.” Sirius commanded then his voice softened. “And you’ve never looked at me that way. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Lily eyed him defiantly but the words just wouldn’t come.

“I thought so. A mere curiosity brought on by the wet dreams of a bunch of gossipy girls.” Sirius pulled away from her and took another drink.

“Partially. I’ll admit that.” Lily answered finally. “But, Sirius, that’s not all.”

“Save the dramatics, Lily. There are some boys at the school who might buy it.”

“Why do you act like you’re above everyone? You’re our age, Sirius.” Lily’s irritation was continuing to grow.

“But you don’t survive in the Black household by being an immature, innocent git.”

“You’ve let yourself miss out on being a kid.”

“Well, perhaps one day I’ll be able to teach you something worthwhile because of it.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Like books aren’t everything? Like friends are something you don’t take so damn lightly?” Sirius said sourly. “Maybe I’ll even teach James some responsibility.”

“You need to learn that before you start giving lessons.”

“You mistake reckless for irresponsible.”

“They’re the same thing.”

“No.” Sirius pulled Lily close and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. “That was reckless.”

Lily tried to pull away but Sirius held tight. When he was certain she wasn’t going to move, he loosened his grip. Sliding his hands to her face, he let his hands caress the curves of her face. “This,” he whispered, “is irresponsible.”

Sirius’ breath was warm against her face as he drew closer. His lips traced hers without touching them. Lily leaned forward to kiss him, but Sirius kept their lips from meeting. Her breath was ragged and gave away her impatience as Sirius continued to explore the curves of her face with his lips. The tranquil stillness of the forest surrounded them and, in the hushed woods, the only noise to be heard was the seductive sounds of Sirius’ breathing and Lily’s pounding heart.

When he finally kissed her lips, his undemanding tenderness made Lily melt. She gasped for breath and Sirius slid his tongue into her mouth. His sensuous movements were unhurried, but he could feel Lily become more aggressive and exploring and he obliged by cupping his hand on the back of her head and deepening the kiss. Lily shifted her body to move closer to him and, as they made contact, Sirius immediately pulled away. Lily’s uneven labored breathing filled the darkness.

“Lesson over.” Sirius whispered.

“Sirius...” Lily reached toward him but Sirius caught her hand in mid-air.

“For your virtue and my sanity, lesson over.” Sirius repeated then kissed her hand and pulled her to lie back against his chest. He could feel her body quivering against his chest and he cursed himself. Why had he done that? If anything, her curiosity would be even greater than before and the likelihood that she wouldn’t go back and gossip was next to nil. Even worse, Sirius thought, he knew he was certainly leaving her in a position to want more. If he denied her for too long, what boy would she run to? Sirius’ unease grew with each passing thought.

“Irresponsibility affects someone else.” Lily’s voice caught as she spoke. She took a deep breath to try and return her breathing to normal.

“Exactly.” Sirius pulled her to her feet. “We should get you back.”

“I’m not irresponsible, Sirius. I won’t talk.”

“Hm.” Sirius’ disbelief was obvious.

“You only kissed me anyway.” Lily rationalized as they walked.

“Only? I think I’m offended.” Sirius laughed.

“No, I mean...”

“It’s okay.” Sirius squeezed her hand to reassure her.

“I just feel like we did…”

“Lil, it’s okay. I know what it did to you. Even if it was only a kiss.” Sirius kissed her forehead. “And I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t be sorry, Sirius, you were just being you.” Lily smiled. “And you are fine just the way you are.”

Her words, although meant to be compliments, encircled Sirius like death. Was that who he really was?

A/N: Please review. All comments are helping me to improve as a writer. Thanks to all you wonderful readers!

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