I’m not jealous… I am not jealous!
This is the statement which Albus Potter repeated over and over again in his head as he lay on his four poster bed, listening to the sound of Scorpius snoring lightly from his own bed to his left. However, even as he continued to recite the words to himself in the privacy of his own mind, he knew that the statement was a lie - no matter how many times he said it in hope of convincing himself it was true…
“So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, a lot of thinking… More thinking than I normally do and I’ve been wondering…” Albus had watched as Scorpius had licked his lower lip before biting down on it nervously. He’d winced after, as though he’d bitten down on it too hard, and then his gaze had lifted from the floor to stare straight ahead. “I’ve been thinking that you and I could probably make a great team—- I mean a great couple and we should, maybe, even give it a try and be that… You know, a couple? So, I was wondering, like I said, if you wanted to go out with me.” The silence which had followed had been deafening and Albus had been certain that he had been able to feel it weighing down upon him as he had followed Scorpius’s gaze to meet his cousins eyes…
Even now as he relived the moment, Albus could feel his chest tighten uncomfortably and he could recall the expression on Rose’s face. She had fixed him immediately with an expression that made it clear that she thought he had somehow played a part in orchestrating this ambush which had taken place on the Grand Staircase. Huffing irritably, Albus turned restlessly on his bed so that he was now on his back and staring up at the ceiling. His mind was reeling, a million thoughts flying around in his brain though he was finding it difficult to focus on just the one… I’m not jealous, he thought to himself again stubbornly, and then a voice in the back of his mind asked: “Are you sure?”
The girls behind Rose - her friends who Albus could not remember the names of right now and didn’t particularly care about knowing - had shared a look before bursting into a fit of giggles and Albus had felt a stab of irritation toward them. However, when he had turned to glance sympathetically at Scorpius, the blond seemed un-phased by the girls’ laughter and was still watching Rose patiently.
Albus could see the look Scorpius had been wearing on his face then swimming in front of him. He had looked so hopeful, as though he had expected his chances to be bettered as a result of his patience, and when Albus had looked away from Scorpius to Rose again the action had been forced.
“Oh.” Rose had muttered finally as the realisation that Scorpius was being serious had finally seemed to hit her. Albus had watched as her expression had softened slightly and she had given Scorpius a small smile that hadn’t quite reached her eyes.
It had been at that point that Albus had known what the answer was going to be even before Rose had opened her mouth to speak…
In his bed, Albus reached up to run a hand through his hair and tugged at it as he did so, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing that he could just fall asleep so that he would be able to escape the whirl of thoughts and emotions coursing through him.
“I can’t quite believe I did that!” Albus jumped, his eyes snapping open and he turned quickly to look over at Scorpius’s bed. He had heard the other boys voice so clearly in his mind as he had recalled the aftermath to… that event in his head that he had thought for a moment that Scorpius had woken up. Scorpius, however, was still sound asleep on his bed and Albus was torn between jealousy and awe at how peaceful Scorpius looked to be right now: carefree and dreaming dreams that he was sure to share with Albus in the morning. In Albus’s mind, however, they were both back in the empty classroom which they had run into following Scorpius’s awkward asking out of Rose.
“I can’t quite believe you did that either.” Albus had echoed and he had been unable to stop himself from smiling at the sight of Scorpius grinning at him, admiring how his eyes were lit up with excitement and his usually pale skin was tinted pink at his cheeks.
“Rose Granger-Weasley.” Scorpius had muttered and Albus had observed that he was talking more to himself now. “I asked out Rose Granger-Weasley.” He’d added, his voice riding slightly and his eyes had widened as though he had only just realised what he had done in that moment.
“And she said ‘no’.” Albus recalled the words he had spoken earlier and they escaped through his lips once again. Why, then, was he still lying awake right now and unable to ignore or fight the feeling that made his chest feel as though it was physically constricting?
I’m not jealous, Albus thought to himself and the voice once again called him out… That’s a lie.
I shouldn’t be jealous, he argued with himself but the voice insisted on the truth: But you are.
Albus shook his head as though trying to clear it though it was no use.
Scorpius is my best-friend, he argued with the voice in his mind, I’ve always known he had a crush on Rose. But Scorpius had never actually acted on it, never asked Rose out until now… Albus heaved another sigh and amidst the jealousy, bitterness, confusion and guilt he felt for feeling as irked as he did, his mind seemed to settle on the part of it all which bothered him most…
I should be happy that he at least plucked up the courage to ask her out… But why her?
Why not me?
Why not me? Albus thought to himself, turning on his best to lay on his side and he let his eyes rest on the dimly lit figure of Scorpius across from him. He could not come to understand what it was that Scorpius found so desirable about Rose. Yes, she was smart and Albus guessed she was pretty, people were always commenting on her red hair… But apart from that? There were no similarities between her and Scorpius, nor did they have anything in common. Not like he and Scorpius did.
Albus had often thought to himself that he and Scorpius shared so much in common that it was a wonder that they were not the same person. They shared a complicated relationship with their Fathers (though Albus more than Scorpius and both were steadily on the mend), they shared many of the same opinions and interests, likes and dislikes, and had they not been through so much together, in the space of only a year as well… Did none of that count for anything?
Albus was pulled suddenly out of his thoughtful state and back into reality as the sound of Scorpius turning on his own bed caused him to jump, though he did not know why the thought of Scorpius waking up cause him such panic. His thoughts were safe in the privacy of his own mind and Scorpius did not know how to perform Legilimency - something which Albus was extremely grateful for…
“Albus?” Scorpius’s voice called in a hushed whisper from his bed and Albus found himself closing his eyes and his body tensing as he forced himself to lay still. Even as he pretended to be asleep, he was unsure as to why he was doing so and he settled for the pathetic excuse of not wanting to put off sleep anymore - though sleep right now proved impossible… “Are you awake?” He heard Scorpius quiz and a rustling of bed covers as Scorpius settled down once more after being met with a lengthy silence.
It wasn’t until he heard Scorpius’s breathing deepen that he dared to move again. Adjusting his own covers, he tried to get more comfortable and prayed for his mind to grow exhausted sooner rather than later. Later rather than sooner, the endless stream of thoughts did stop and his eyelids became too heavy to keep open. Eventually, as they fell shut Albus was finally pulled slowly into what was sure to be a restless night's sleep.
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