I woke up on New Year’s Day feeling like absolute crap. My hands hurt and my head was spinning. It took me a moment to remember what had happened. Jocelyn. Jocelyn kissing a snake. The biggest snake of all. I couldn’t think of anything or anyone that was worse than Rosier except for Snivellius.
“What the fuck!” I shouted to no one in particular. I was so angry.
“Oh, you’re awake” Lily appeared somewhere in my vicinity.
“She’s your friend. Explain. Was she cursed? Imperiused? Love potion?”
“I don’t think so” Lily sighed. James joined her by my bed, and I decided to sit up and face them.
“I don’t understand” I said.
“Neither do we, mate” James ran a hand through his already messy hair. “This is so out of character. He’s not even the type of bloke she usually goes for”
“I just have a horrible feeling about this” Lily shivered.
“Go on” I demanded.
“She said she wanted to go for him precisely because he’s the polar opposite of everything she’s used to. Not just looks wise, but personality wise too”
“Why?” Remus joined our little meeting.
“I have no idea”
“She’s been acting strange lately” I informed them. “I don’t think she’s been working with McGonagall. Most of the time I can’t find her on the map”
“Do you think she’s been... you know, with him?” Peter suggested.
“With Rosier? What like this has been going for a while?” James was absolutely horrified at the idea.
“It would make sense, wouldn’t it? She wouldn’t tell us about it” Remus said.
“This is Jocelyn we’re talking about, guys. She’s the most loyal person I know after Prongs. It doesn’t make sense. There’s got to be another explanation” I insisted. If I accepted that she just fancied him it would break me, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to put myself back together.
“I agree, it’s very strange, but I can’t imagine any legit reason for her to snog him in the middle of the great hall” Remus commented. I had to hold on to my blankets to refrain from punching something again. I did not need that image back in my head.
“I agree with Sirius. This is not something Jo would do” Red said. “There must be an explanation. There’s something we’re missing”
“What if she just fancies him? I mean, he’s a major dickhead but I know for a fact girls like him” Peter supplied. I growled at him. He recoiled and put his hand sup. “Sorry”
“I thought Jo fancied Sirius” said Remus.
“You did?” I asked him.
“Yeah, but I’m sorry to say mate, I was wrong. There’s no way she would have done this if she liked you. She knows of all the people in school this was probably the only one you’d never forgive” he said, shaking his head.
“FUCK” James grabbed my hand before I reached the bed post I was aiming for.
“No punching stuff, Padfoot. I need your hands to remain functional” he told me. I crossed my arms angrily.
“What do we do about Jo?” Peter asked.
“Nothing. She made a very public and strong statement. She needs to come to us” said Lily.
“Aren’t you supposed to be on her side?” I asked her.
“I am. If we go after her she won’t budge. Whatever is going on in her head she needs to sort out for herself. Pushing her won’t work” Lily explained.
“And in the meantime? Are we just going to be okay with her and... that?” Remus asked.
“Absolutely not” James said.
And so, it was decided we would wait it out. I was determined to give Jo the benefit of the doubt and be civil towards her but all thoughts of friendliness flew out of my head when we walked into the great hall and saw her sitting with Christian at the Slytherin table. It all went downhill from there.
Everywhere I looked I saw them. He seemed unable to take his hands off her and was always touching her in one way or the other and, even worse, she let him. I couldn’t stomach it. I knew I could not be alone with her, not even for our beater practice. I wasn’t even sure she’d show up, so I stayed behind. When I saw on the map that she was waiting for m, it took all I had not to go meet her. Instead, I went looking for Fiorella hoping she’d distract me long enough.
Lily was in bits. She confided in us that ever since they had become friends in first year, her and Jocelyn had never had a fight. Ever. That was very impressive considering even us marauders had had a feud or two. She kept looking at her across classrooms and the great hall, and I was pretty sure she was willing Jocelyn to come back to us with her mind. If only it was that easy.
We figured out pretty quickly that Jocelyn was sleeping in the Room of Requirements. This made James very happy because he could go stay with Lily every night. According to James, they hadn’t gone all the way yet, but Lily missed Jo so much she couldn’t sleep unless James was there. I was happy for my best friend. They really were the perfect couple. In the rare moments I was feeling cheerful since this whole thing with Jo and the snake had started, I had even begun writting notes for my speech at Prongs’ wedding. I was willing to bet it wouldn’t take too long for him to propose to her after graduation.
After the party episode with Christian, my friends pretty much shunned me. This was, of course, what I had expected and planned for. It made my little charade all the more believable. Christian, being the disgusting snake that he was, took extreme pleasure in flaunting our ‘thing’ in front of them every chance he got. I hated myself for letting him, but I quickly realized that the more I fed his ego, the more careless Christian was around me. He’d have conversations with his friends with me by his side, probably thinking I was lovestruck and wouldn’t or couldn’t hear or understand. They used some ‘code words’ but they were so lame I had no trouble figuring them out.
“I like your new bird” said one of his friends a day or two before the end of the holidays during lunch. I had taken to sitting at their table since I wasn’t really speaking much to anyone in my house.
“She’s the reason we lost the first quidditch game, again” said another. I hadn’t learnt their names yet. I wasn’t too bothered.
“Yeah, that sucks but you’ve got to admit it’s pretty sexy. She’s got mad flying skills” replied the first.
“Thanks” I muttered.
“How do you think the Carrows and Snape are going to take this?” friend two asked Christian.
“That you’re seeing her now” it was annoying that they talked about me as if I wasn’t there, but I kept quiet. If they got used to it, there was a big chance they’d eventually start talking about other things as if I wasn’t there, too.
“I don’t need to ask them for permission” Christian replied.
“I didn’t mean it like that”
“I can shag whomever I want. Alecto needs to get over herself” I looked at him at that.
“You’re with the Carrow girl?” I asked him.
“No. Not more than I’ve been with anyone. You know I don’t date” he shrugged.
“I don’t want any fucking drama, Christian” I said. I had caught on pretty quickly that he liked it when I wasn’t afraid of him. The cockier I was, the more into me he got.
“There won’t be” he assured me.
“Let’s get out of here. I’m bored out of my mind” I said. He stood up and I followed.
We walked out of the Great Hall and, as luck had it, we ran straight into the marauders as they, too, were leaving. I wanted to say something, to explain it to them, to beg them to see beyond the charade I was playing, but I must have been a lot more convincing than I gave myself credit for, or they never really knew me as well as I thought they did, because they had bought it.
“I think it’s time I show you my room” Christian said a bit louder than necessary.
“Lead the way” I saw Sirius fists curl and James put a hand on his shoulder out of the corner of my eye. It took all I had in me not to run after him.
“People are back tomorrow. I’d like you to meet my friends” Christian told me the night before the holiday was over. We were in his bed, his hand was playing with my hair.
“Really?” I looked at him.
“I do. I like you” he told me with a small smile.
“I like you, too” I replied fighting the urge to gag.
“You can stay here tonight, if you’d like” he offered.
“Is your cold heart thawing, Christian?” I teased him. It was a well-known fact that no one, not a single girl, had ever stayed and slept the entire night in the same bed as him.
“I think it might be. If you tell anyone, though, I’ll have to kill you and that would be sad, so don’t” he replied.
It turns out that not even Death Eaters were immune to feelings. They were awful people, who had very little if any reservations at all when it came to pursuing their own blood-purist agenda, but they understood family, and their own wicked version of love and loyalty. Christian’s parents had been in love since they were in school, he had told me.
“Why don’t you date, then?” I had asked him.
“I haven’t found anyone who’s worth it. Girls at this school are too dramatic, too weak. They fawn all over me, follow me around like lost puppies. They don’t seem to have brains of their own. Who wants to date someone like that?”
“That is your fault and your fault only. You pick the wrong girls” I teased.
“Well, turns out I needed a short, annoying, and stubborn Gryffindor. Who would have thought? Snakes and lions don’t mix often” he replied giving me a kiss.
“They still don’t”
“You are better off without Potter and his idiotic friends” he scoffed. I rolled my eyes.
“You’re jealous they are better at quidditch than you are” I said.
“You are better at quidditch than I am, and I don’t think you’re an idiot. Just sorted into the wrong house”
“Well, they were my friends. I kind of miss them” I told him.
“I find it strange you’d remain friends with an ex-boyfriend” he said.
“What would you know? You’ve never dated anyone!”
“I think if two people can remain friends after having been together they’re either still in love with each other or they never were in the first place” my mouth formed an ‘O’ at this.
“Since when are you so deep?”
“I know all about the theory of falling in love, I have just never experienced it myself” he shrugged. I tilted my head to the side.
“There’s a lot more to you than meets the eye, Christian”
“I still only started hooking up with you to piss Potter off” he told me matter-of-factly.
“What I don’t know is why you went after me” he said.
“I told you, I wanted to try something different. You are as different as different can get for me” I traced a finger across his chest. He was fit.
“Well, I don’t blame you. All those goodie, noble Gryffindors must be boring as hell in bed” he smirked, catching my hand and pulling me in for a kiss.
Later, we walked down to the Slytherin common room together and I left after sitting around for a bit. I thought of going to my room to pick up some clothes but it was late, and Lily was likely to be there. I couldn’t face her. She was the one most likely to see right through my lies, so I headed to the Room of Requirements instead. I sat on the armchair by the window and sighed. It didn’t matter that Christian wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, I was still miserable. I didn’t like him; I was pretty sure he was somehow involved with Death Eaters and Voldemort and I hated myself for sometimes forgetting it when he captured me with his charm.
Yes, it made it easier to pretend, and I was thankful for that. But I loathed the fact that I was a silly girl and that he could kiss my senses away. I hated it because every time I left and found myself alone the guilt and pain and longing for my friends and what could have been was stronger than ever. Every day became a little harder to bear and it had only been a week. I bit my fist to choke the yell that tore my throat apart and fell on the bed in a sobbing mess.
The great hall was busy for lunch. Everyone had come back today sometime during the morning, but I’d been hiding in the Room of Requirements until I was too hungry to stay there any longer. I had thought of going to the kitchens, but I always risked running into them in there, so I had waited for lunch instead.
“Jocelyn” I would recognize that voice anywhere.
“Sirius” I turned around. He was alone. We were alone in the corridor. So very alone.
“I want to talk to you” he said.
“Sure, I’m on my way to lunch” I replied.
“I meant somewhere we can’t be interrupted”
“Christian is waiting for me” I delivered the blow as gently as I could but still firmly. I knew myself and my weakness (who was standing right in front of me). If this plan was going to work, I had to keep him away from me.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Since when does your plaything prevent you from spending time with your friends?”
“Since you broke his nose in front of everyone!”
“He deserved it”
“He did nothing wrong” I said. He looked hurt and angry.
“He’s a snake, Jo. He’s going to end up hurting you. Why are you even with him? Of all the blokes in the school, why Rosier?”
“Well, Gryffindor was clearly not working out for me and I wanted to date someone new, someone different. Christian is different”
“Yeah, but he’s bad different. You hate Slytherin for crying out loud. I’ve seen you aim bludgers at their fucking faces just for fun” he said. He was absolutely right, and I didn’t have an answer to that.
“You shouldn’t have caused such a scene. Besides, you guys are the ones icing me out since New Year’s Eve”
“You haven’t even sat with us for a single meal in the past week! What are you going to do today? Are you going to sit with Snivellius? Lily will be thrilled!” he spat.
“Lily used to be good friends with him so she can’t really talk. The only reason they stopped hanging out was because he was obsessed with her and it was creepy”
“They are all creepy, Jocelyn!”
“Sirius, I really don’t feel like fighting with you. You don’t like Christian, I get it, but you’ve been quite horrible to me and I don’t feel like sitting with you guys for lunch today or at all. Now, I’m going to find him” I turned around and started walking.
I didn’t realise how badly I wanted him to come after me until he didn’t. A tear fell down my cheek. I wiped it away furiously and went straight for the Slytherin table. Christian had saved me a seat and, by the looks on their faces when I approached, he’d told them about me already. His little group included both Carrow siblings, Severus Snape, two boys I could never remember the name of and, sometimes, Regulus Black. He was younger than us but so moody and dark he looked older. He was almost as handsome as Sirius was but he didn’t have silver eyes and his jaw wasn’t as defined. It was like watching a version of Sirius that had a million little flaws. I wondered if anyone else noticed this.
“You’re friends with Evans” said Snape as soon as I sat down.
“She’s friends with my brother” Regulus Black said the word like it burnt his tongue. I shot him a look. He sounded so much like Sirius my heart hurt.
“Hello to you too” I retorted. Christian smiled.
“I told you she’s feisty”
“She’s annoying” said Alecto Carrow. I laughed. “What’s so funny?” she glared at me.
“That you think I’d be offended you called me annoying”
“Enough. Jo’s with me, you lot respect that or there’ll be trouble” Christian threatened.
“I don’t trust her” said Amycus.
“You don’t have to. You trust me, that’s enough” Christian replied.
“We can’t exactly discuss the holiday now, can we?” said Alecto, visibly annoyed.
“Sure you can, it’s not like I care what party you went to” I said feigning boredom. They shot me a condescending look.
“Christian, please, can you pass me that plate over there?” I pointed at a salad and he got it for me. I busied myself with my food. I knew they were assessing me, so I deliberately looked distracted and even hummed to myself a little bit.
“We went to a party at the Malfoy’s” Alecto said tentatively. I didn’t even let my eyes flicker. “Everyone was there. And I mean everyone”
“Any interesting gossip?” Christian asked. He was trying to keep his tone light but I could feel him tensing next to me.
“Well, the Lestranges are going on a vacation tomorrow for a week. They’re visiting some relative that works with magical creatures, he specializes in werewolves”
“That’s quite cool” Christian said. My heart was beating fast.
“Yeah. Anyway, everyone asked where you were. I told them you wanted to stay in school and they all agreed you must come home for Easter. We’re having another party and we were told it will be to die for” she said.
“Finally!” Christian said. In his excitement, he momentarily forgot his caution. “We’ve been fucking waiting for this for ages. They won’t leave us out of the loop anymore after that”
“If we do well” said Snape.
“We should go to class now” interrupted Amycus. I could almost feel the glance he shot in my direction to alert the others they were saying too much.
“I agree, I’m bored” I said, standing up. Christian followed and I took a moment to kiss him before we all walked out.
The day went on forever, but I couldn’t exactly disappear. It would have made them suspicious so I had to wait until the day was over. I made an excuse for Christian that I had to work on an essay and went straight for Dumbledore’s office. Albus and Minerva were impressed with my report and also very concerned.
“We’ll send word to keep an eye on the werewolf clans we know” Dumbledore said.
“I also think they are going to be marked” I told them.
“Are you sure?”
“I am pretty sure, yes. They won’t talk about it openly in front of me, they don’t trust me, and they know even if I’m dating Rosier, I would never join in with this”
“Keep it that way. We’d rather they don’t tell you everything than you being in a situation you can’t get out of” Minerva told me.
“Jocelyn, I know this is hard on you…”
“Don’t. The Order has to come first. Lives are at stake, my own little drama doesn’t count at all” I interrupted him. His eyes twinkled but he didn’t say anything else.
That night, I didn’t feel like seeing Christian, so I went straight to the Room of Requirements. I was still reeling from my run-in with Sirius that morning and the news that I was, indeed, basically sleeping with the enemy. I had hoped that Christian would turn out to be just a silly snob, not a real death-eater wannabe. I was wrong, and it made it all so much harder.
Thinking of Sirius, I went over to the little drawer the room had provided me with and took out the black rose he’d given me, and spent hours staring at it, crying quietly. I missed him. I missed James. I missed Remus and Peter and I missed Lily. I felt so alone it was eating me alive.
The first time we had quidditch practice after Christmas break I walked to the pitch feeling terrified. I was clutching my broom so hard my knuckles were totally white. The team nodded in my general direction, but no one spoke to me. I tried to focus on my bat, on the bludgers and on the feeling of flying, but it just wasn’t working. It was the first time Sirius and I didn’t fly in perfect sync. In fact, it was a total mess.
As soon as practice was over, I practically sprinted away from the changing rooms. Things only got worse. Sirius didn’t show up for our private beater training the next day, and on my way back I walked in on him snogging Fusilli in a corridor. With that horrible image seared on my eyes, I went back to the Room of Requirements.
I also had to endure the humiliation of walking into our first transfiguration lesson of the new year to find that Sirius had asked McGonagall to let him work with someone else and, when she refused, he’d simply walked (more like swaggered) away. Not even two weeks’ worth of detention and McGonagall’s shrieks that he couldn’t miss the lesson stopped him.
“Is it true that Black walked out on McGonagall?” Christian asked me that evening.
“Yeah, he threw a tantrum like the five-year-old he is”
“I think he’s got a crush on you,” he said. “Reg agrees with me”
“Oh, please. That guy has a crush on himself” I laughed. Deep inside I was hurting so badly it was all I could do not to start bawling in front of Christian. That wouldn’t go down well. He laughed too.
“Besides, it’s not like Reg knows much about Sirius anyway. They haven’t spoken a word to each other since Reg’s first year” I added.
“Well, doesn’t matter really either way, because you’re mine” he said, pulling me closer and kissing my neck.
“I am not property” I retorted.
“No, you aren’t. But I don’t like the idea of anyone else touching you. I’ve been thinking, it bothers me” he said getting quite serious all of a sudden.
“Are you asking me for exclusivity?” I raised my eyebrow at him.
“No. I’m asking you to be my girlfriend. For real,” he said. I wanted to scream, to shout at him that he was a Death Eater, and a horrible person, and that I didn’t want anything to do with him and that he’d never be half the man Sirius was.
“Ask me nicely” I said, instead.
“Jocelyn, will you be my girlfriend?”
After that, they didn’t bother to speak in codes around me anymore. I was playing my part so well I would have started to believe it if it wasn’t for the overwhelming pain of my broken heart.
I missed Jocelyn so much. It was hard to be in our room alone. I felt the empty space she’d left like a knife in my heart. I had already lost so much when Alice was taken away from us, why did I have to also lose my best friend? It was unfair.
“Lily?” a knock on the door surprised me. I still forgot James could walk up the girls’ staircase.
“Are you okay? I’ve been waiting for you” he said. I’d forgotten we were supposed to meet.
“Sorry, I was distracted”
“No. I was thinking about Jo” I told him. He sat next to me.
“This must be super hard on you” it wasn’t a question but I answered anyway.
“It is. I feel like I’ve lost both of them, Alice and Jo. It sucks”
“I’m sure she’ll come around”
“Will you let her though?”
“She’ll have to grovel, but you’re not the only one who misses her” he said, sighing.
“I pretend I don’t because Sirius needs me, but of course I do” he added.
“I think she misses us too” I said. “She doesn’t look very happy”
“Well she doesn’t seem to be very sad either”
“It’s just confusing. When she’s with Rosier, physically, she seems fine but I think it’s a distraction. Like when Sirius hangs out with that Fiorella girl” I said.
“I don’t get what Jo needs distracting from, though. And why it has to be Rosier”
“Neither do I. She said she wanted to forget Sirius...”
“Why? He was about to ask her out! Why would she need to forget him? It’s absurd” James said raising his voice.
“I think it was an excuse. She is pushing him away though”
“I don’t fucking get it. He’s miserable and I know she can tell!”
“There must be some stuff we don’t know” I sighed. “Do you think they can work it out? Eventually?”
“Not unless she has some sort of amazing reason why she’s done this. Sirius would forgive anything but… Rosier? I don’t think so. Even less so now that Regulus is also hanging out with them”
“I really thought they were going to end up together. They are so perfect for each other” I put my head on his shoulder. “I hate that our friend is hurting and we can’t help him”
“Me too, Lily. Me too”
The second quidditch game of the season was just as much of a mess as all our practices had been. Sirius didn’t trust me, and so I couldn’t trust him, and all our tactics and skills didn’t work. I tried my best but, for the first time since James had given me a spot on the team, we lost the game. I was raging. I guess a part of me had hoped that Sirius would love quidditch enough to ignore everything else. I was kind of counting on it to keep me going. Obviously, he’d rather lose than be civil towards me. I stayed in the shower for a long time, hoping everyone would be gone by the time I came out. I was happy to find the changing room empty.
I took my time. I didn’t really have anywhere to go or to be. I sure as well wasn’t going to see Christian that day, even my commitment to the Order had limits. I was only wearing my t-shirt and underwear when I heard the door to the changing room open. I turned around out of habit and froze in place. It was Sirius. He was staring at something on the bench close to me, and I realized he had forgotten his wand behind. I hadn’t even seen it before.
He walked very slowly and stiffly towards the bench. I resolutely ignored him. Thank Merlin he was also ignoring me. But then, he glanced at me and even though it was very quick, I saw it. All my determination crumbled.
“Don’t fucking talk to me,” he snarled. I recoiled at his tone.
“You don’t have to be so horrible, you know?”
“You should be used to it. You hang out with Slytherins now, isn’t ‘horrible’ what they do for fun?” he spat.
“I get it, you don’t like Christian. So what? It’s not like you were a big fan or Hardin, or Jax for that matter!”
“It wasn’t the same!” I thought that, even though he was shouting at me, this was progress. I much preferred a shouting match with Sirius than getting the silent treatment.
“Well, clearly not, seeing as you haven’t talked to me for two months. WE LOST THE FUCKING GAME BECAUSE OF YOU!” I knew the minute I said it, it was the wrong thing to say. In his rage, he took two big steps towards me so aggressively I backed away a little.
“Don’t you fucking dare pin this on me. This is on you. You are a traitor”
“You are being so fucking immature about it. I thought you were my best friend!”
“Well you thought wrong!” ouch. That hurt.
“Karma is a bitch”
“I don’t believe you! You can’t pretend we weren’t friends because you’re pissed off I’m dating some guy!”
“You’re not dating ‘some guy’ Jocelyn. YOU’RE DATING THE ENEMY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
I realized with a jolt he’d kept walking towards me, and I’d kept backing away. This was brought to my attention by the wall I had rather painfully smacked my head against.
“I can date whoever I want. You do! You know I hate that fucking Ravenclaw slut and you still shag her every chance you get. How’s Christian any different?”
“DON’T SAY HIS NAME. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT” for a very short second I thought Sirius was going to punch me. Then, I realized how ridiculous that was as he slammed his hand on the wall instead. I felt his breath on my cheek and was suddenly hyper aware of the fact he’d got way, way too close to me in his outburst.
I turned my head again towards Sirius’ face very slowly. He was breathing hard. The air between us was thick with tension. His eyes were fixed on mine with an intensity I couldn’t bear. Silence hung between us, heavy with all the things I wanted to say to him but couldn’t. All the questions I wanted to ask him, but wouldn’t.
“You are blowing this way out of proportion, Sirius” I whispered, hoping to calm him -and myself - down.
“You aren’t giving me any choice” he replied.
“Why can’t you just be my friend and accept I’m dating him?!”
“BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FUCKING FRIEND!”
Of all the ways in which I had imagined a possible first kiss with Sirius Black, this was not even remotely an option.
His lips crashed mine, and there was no more shouting, no more swearing. There was nothing but him, his mouth, his tongue. He kissed me like it was the last night of our lives.
There was no other way to describe it. Sirius’ lips burnt me; his body pressed against mine sent every one of my cells into overdrive. His kiss was all encompassing. I felt like it would consume me, like if we kept kissing my world might explode. It was intoxicating. I couldn’t do anything else than give myself over completely to it, body and soul. The hand he’d slammed on the wall now cupped my face whilst his other arm picked me up with ease. I wrapped my legs around him and buried my hands in his hair. He bit my lower lip and sent a rush of heat running through my veins. Everywhere he touched me, every inch of skin his hands explored caught fire. I whimpered in protest when our lips parted, and he started trailing kisses down the side of my jaw and neck. He bit me lightly, and then grabbed my t-shirt, pulling it over my head. I was afraid if he looked at me he’d regain his senses and stop, but when we locked eyes I realized he was just as far gone as I was. I had never seen his silver-grey eyes dark like this.
All thoughts quickly flew from my brain, however, when Sirius took off his own t-shirt and jumper in one swift motion. I tried to lean back ever so slightly to get a good look at his torso. It was all I could do not to drool. After that, it took about two more minutes for all our clothes to be discarded in a pile around us. Our kisses became more urgent, more violent; aggressive like our fight had been, even more desperate, if that was possible.
Even though I had had sex with four people before him, it had never been like this. Never. Not even close. When I gave myself to Sirius, in those final moments before it was over, I finally understood. Drowning in the sensations he awakened in me, and deafened by the sound of my heart shattering, I thought ‘Epic’.
The quidditch game against Hufflepuff was embarrassing. I could see Jo trying her best, but we were just totally out of whack. When we landed, I remembered this same game last year and wondered if this was all my fault. I kept thinking that if I had been braver and told James how I felt about her earlier maybe I would have had a chance with her and this wouldn’t be happening. I was halfway to the common room when I realized I had left my wand on the changing rooms.
“For Godric’s sake! I forgot my wand”
“I can come with?” Prongs offered.
“Nah. Go ahead without me, I’m not in the mood for company anyway”
I walked back, still tormented by my failure to tell Jocelyn how I felt about her and wondering what would have happened if I had just said something earlier. I pushed the door to the changing room open and nearly had a heart attack.
‘What’s she still doing here?’
It took all my willpower and stubbornness to keep my eyes off her legs. I focused on my wand and my wand only. Grab it and go, quick and painless. She was trying to ignore me too, I thought. I was almost there. I almost had my wand when my eyes betrayed me, and I risked a glance in her direction.
The yelling match that ensued was one for the history books. She made me so angry, so irrationally furious that I couldn’t help myself.
Somewhere between the shouting and fighting I’d found my way to her. I always thought if Jocelyn and I ever did kiss it would either be a dare during a drinking game or a romantic first kiss after we declared our feelings for each other. It had never occurred to me that love and hate dance together over the same fine line, or that lust and wanting can override your brain and push you past the point of no return.
When I came back to my senses, with Jocelyn shaking in my arms, I felt as if I was standing on the edge of forever. This moment was going to change it all and I was terrified because I didn’t know which way it was going to go. I gently helped her get back down on her feet and ran a hand through my hair. She didn’t meet my eyes. That wasn’t a good sign.
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