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Chapter 15: And so it begins Jessica looked around. She was supposed to be in the black empty space, but instead she was in a…restaurant? She bit her bottom lip, trying to figure out exactly what Sirius was trying to pull. Just then, a waiter came up to her, wearing roller skates and a pink apron with a dog sewn onto it. “Can I take your order, miss?” Sirius was standing there with a pad of paper and a pencil, looking at her with his eyebrows raised. “Sure, I’ll have a what the hell is this?” Jessica looked at him in shock. She hadn’t expected to see him in a pink apron. Although, Jessica thought, relaxing a bit, he looks good in pink. “Okay, okay, just trying to have some fun. Black space gets a little boring after a while. Really gives me the creeps.” With a clap of his hands, the booth and restaurant disappeared, along with Sirius’s outfit. They were back to the normal dream world. “So, what can I do for you? You seemed pretty urgent in that poem, so I decided to talk to you tonight. How nice am I?” He flashed her a smile. Jessica didn’t return it. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Jessica said in disbelief. Sirius sighed. “Just trying to make you laugh a little, because I know that right now you are furious with me. I knew that you would find out what the book really contained sooner or later, although, I must admit, the stupid slime ball Snape had you find out sooner.” “Well, you’re right, and now I’m asking you exactly why you gave this book to me? Why make me more unique than I already am?” Sirius sighed again, this time very deep, and looked down at his hands before answering her question. Jessica sensed something bad had happened, or would have happened, and she immediately felt sorry for yelling at him. “The truth is, Jessica, that particle has been through more people and to more places than anything I’ve ever seen. This particle was, in fact, created before the other particle; the one Voldemort is so desperately seeking for. There are ways to get the positive particle without the negative particle. By the way, you have negative, it makes the story easier.” Jessica nodded once before gesturing for him to go on. “Well, the positive is…well…an offspring of the negative, I guess you could say. The positive’s power, when alone, look like mere baby magic when it is combined with negative. I have been doing my fair share of snooping, Jess, and I have a pretty good hunch on what is going on inside Voldemort’s head. I’m thinking he already has found a way to get the particle, but wants to be powerful. Well, of course he does, he’s Voldemort. But the book, how the particle got to be in the book. Sorry,” and he grinned again, and Jessica felt something melt in her heart. He was good looking. This time she smiled back. “I had stumbled across the particle by accident. The thing is, oh god, how to say this. The thing is Lily had the particle before me. James had given her a necklace with it in there. I don’t think he knew what it was, but he knew it was powerful and pretty and most girls would love it. But he didn’t know its powers. Lily would become frequently agitated with him and he didn’t know why. And then, when Voldemort came looking for them, well James and Lily had found out by that time what negative was and that Voldemort wanted it. They went into hiding and trusted me to keep their secret, or shall I say secrets; where they were and what they were carrying. But foolishly, I gave their home secret away to Pettigrew, the only one of our friends who I made a mistake in by trusting him…” Sirius’s eyes became more haunted than usual, and it was clear he was letting the one fatal mistake come back to him, again and again, even in death. Jessica put her hand on his shoulder, just like Lupin always did to her when she was feeling down. He grabbed her hand and squeezed. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t worry; I know how you feel. Not exactly, but pretty darn close, I think, considering the entire weight of the world as we know it is now unwillingly on my shoulders.” “Hey, it’s not that bad!” Sirius gave his dog laugh/bark and continued on. “I went to go check on Pettigrew that night. I felt something was wrong. I got to the house, what used to be their house, and I realized Pettigrew was the one, the spy. He was looking for something else, the negative. Voldemort had told him about it, and he was looking for it. The only thing that could allow him to kill Harry while he was still young was that particle. I refused to let it go over to the dark side without fighting with my life to save it. “I walked in and there was Peter. He was looking through the drawers, his back showing to me. I took aim and silenced him, then took his wand. He made to move towards me, so I stunned him. I reached down to Lily’s…Lily’s body and grabbed the necklace and ran. I knew Peter had seen me grab it, knew he knew what I was carrying, and I knew it would be soon that I would be caught. So I ran to my house and grabbed the first book I found. Of course, because of my luck, it was a spell book, and it absorbed the particle. The pages immediately went blank, so I have no idea what the spells were—good, bad, I doubt it even matters—but I hid it in my house, under my mattress. “The next day, Peter found me. He threatened me to give it to him in quiet, but I won over. I knew how to talk to him. Stupidly, I said I would fight him, and that’s when he screamed to the street, in his whimpering voice, ‘Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?’ And before I know what’s happening he’s running down in this huge crater as a rat and Aurors are struggling with my arms. But I could care less. The particle was still safe. The particle was still safe. I laughed as I saw a tiny rat’s head poke up out of the sewer. Kept laughing all the way to Azkaban. But then, of course, I spent thirteen years worrying about Peter finding it. He had been to my house a million times before. But the dementors were still guarding his worst supporters, and I would go to bed again knowing my other secret was still safe.” Sirius stopped talking all of a sudden and looked to his left and upwards. “Time’s short. I have been abusing this, I’m sorry. You haven’t even talked at all.” “I don’t want to. I want to listen. I still don’t get why you gave it to me.” “I couldn’t give it to Harry. How do you think he would have reacted to get something that both his parents and his godfather kept protected, and in a way it killed all of us? He would’ve thrown it away out into the open before I could even explain part of the story that you now know. Again, I’m sorry. I know you are different, but you were the one that really had the power, the mental power, the power within, whatever you want to call it, but I thought you could handle it. You’re doing a great job, by the way.” He started to blur a little. “Wait! I have one more thing!” She reached out her hand, but he was falling backwards, his shape becoming unfocused, and she opened her eyes to find her arm reached in front of her, clutching for imaginary robes. She got up; grabbing one of her sweatshirts she took from home. The one from the Grand Canyon, the last family vacation they had all taken together. Trying not to think of her family, how they were probably getting along just fine without her, secretly loving that she was gone forever, she went downstairs into the kitchen. She had a craving for hot chocolate. She found Lupin in the kitchen, reading a piece of paper with a mug of something halfway to his lips. He didn’t hear her come in and jumped a little when she said his name. “Hi, Jessica, sorry I didn’t know you were awake. Is something wrong?” He asked when he saw the look on her face. “Here, I’ll make you something.” A minute later she was sitting down at the table with Lupin, holding a steaming mug of hot cocoa in her hands. Weird how he knew that, Jessica thought to herself. She started to tell Lupin about her last dreamlife with Sirius, but he raised a hand stop her. “I already know.” He said. He motioned to the piece of paper. Jessica noticed his hand was shaking a little as he did. She started to reach for the paper, but then stopped in midair and looked at him. “Go ahead.” She grabbed the paper. My Dear Moony, Today Jessica learned about the particle from Snape. I have to tell her about it, and I should then tell you too. It is the same one that Lily and James had. But, Jessica is safe-for now. I should tell you this, though: DON’T LET HER GET NEAR— “I’m sorry; I forgot what was in there.” Lupin quickly hid the paper out of sight. “What? No, I need to read more!” Jessica should know if she needed to avoid something, something else that might cause her harm. She rested her head in her hands, frustrated. What now? Fight it. What? Fight it. Who are you? You know me. No, I don’t. You will. Here we go. Here we go where? There are times when a great mind has to cease… Jessica’s head snapped up. Lupin quickly looked to her in concern. “What happened?” He asked sharply. “There was someone talking, talking inside my own head.” Jessica whispered. She cocked her head to one side, listening, as more thoughts came into her mind. There are times when a ruler will fall to their knees… What do you want? “Jessica, please speak to me!” Lupin’s voice contained worry now. But Jessica wasn’t listening to him. She was listening to the voice, the rest of the poem. There are times when little ones do something big… Go away. There are times when a dog, just has to dig… Sirius? Is that you? There are times when nature can be very disturbing… I don’t like this. There are times when your parents won’t be perturbing... What about my parents? They don’t care about me. Don’t be blind; you must see… See what? You’re not telling me anything! Illumination of these problems is the key… Problems? When reality strikes, we must hit back… Stop, please! Or we won’t be a candidate; we’ve run off the track. Are you done? Tell me what’s going on! Be brave. I am brave. Don’t cry. I’m not crying!! I’m happy, I’m smiling. Look at me, I’m fucking smiling! The voice paused for a second, and Jessica thought she had finally won. She started to get up when she heard it again, for the last time. And so it begins.

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