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By Rita Skeeter

“Good Morning to my loyal readers! Rita Skeeter here, reporting for the Daily Prophet on yet another story meant to correct the happenings at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I am here today with a victim of the school staff and students. First of all I must tell you that to refer to all trolls as uneducated is a fallacy as my guest is quite well spoken.”


“I am here with my guest Ralph! It is very good to have you hear today Ralph and I understand that you have a terrible tale of woe to share with us about your experience at Hogwarts. Is that true?”

“Why yes, Rita, it is very true.”  (Before we continue, please be aware that I have enlisted the aid of a translator so that those who are not familiar with the troll langquage can hear this poor, unfortunate troll's side of the story.)

“I see, well perhaps you would like to share your harrowing experience with the readers and I do have to say that I am very glad that the injuries that you sustained are healing. Please go on with your story.”

“Well Rita, this is my story and it, I hope will serve as a warning to the other trolls, especially the wee ones that go near that castle searching for adventure. I was lost that night, the rain was pouring down and I was searching for shelter when I saw this very strange little man enter the castle and leave the door open behind him. Not being one to pass up a chance to stay dry, I went into the castle, intending fully well to pay for my lodging! While I was standing there drying off, I realized that I could smell the most enticing odor and knew that I likely in time for dinner. Again, I must stress, I intended to pay for my lodging and the meal and so I went in search of the food and, to my great misfortune and due to the fact that the castle is quite large, I picked the wrong door to enter.”

“So let me see if I have this correct, Ralph, your incident was the result of the mishandling of things by staff?”

‘Quite so, Rita!”

“They left a door open and you got lost after you walked into the school, is that what happened? Not the story about you attacking a student?”

“Oh, Merlin, no. I have never killed or eaten a child. That is a story that witches and wizards tell children who misbehave. It is enough to make a troll cry. To think that I could be believed of that heinous crime is a travesty! Far more trolls have suffered injury at the hands of the witches and wizards than the other way around.”

“But they say that you attacked a girl in the girl’s lavatory. They say that they have witnesses, including Harry Potter. Are you saying that Dumbledore covered up the truth?”

“That is the case, Rita!”

“Please go on! My readers deserve to know the truth about the continued cover up at the school by Albus Dumbledore and his cronies.”

“As I entered the room, a girl walked out of a small box and then stopped and looked up at me as though I was about to harm her. I suppose the tree branch that I had brought along to serve as fire wood might have given her that idea, but it was meant as firewood. The next thing I know she goes diving back into the box and, without thinking, I knocked on the door to the box with the tree branch and bashed the box to splinters.”

“You don’t say. Please go on.”

“Well, she decided to start screaming and I was worried that she might be hurt so I tried to go after her to help her and, what do you know, I smashed some more of the boxes and she starts screaming even louder.”

“What happened then, Ralph?”

“About that time, just when I thought that I might be able to get close enough to her to ask her to stop screaming and tell me where the food was these two boys entered the room and then the girl starts screaming for help. Can you believe that?”

“No! Surely not! It sounds to me like they were doing a character assassination on you before they ever even gave you a chance to tell them what was going on.”

“Exactly! All that I wanted was directions to the food.”

“He throws his hands in the air and nearly seems ready to weep with relief at finally being believed. My guest is nearly overwrought at the thought of what terrible thing he was accused of doing at the castle that night.”

“The girl finally ran out of the last box and then tried to hide under this thing hanging on the wall. She was very poor at hiding; I could see her the entire time, even when she covered her eyes with her hands. I guess that she wasn’t very bright, thinking that if she couldn’t see me that I couldn’t see her. But that damn branch got me into trouble again, I was moving towards her when it hit one of the things that she was hiding under and broke it (something else I’ll have to pay for) into pieces. Then things got worse when I was attacked. They start picking up pieces of the box that had been smashed and then throwing them at me. One of the boys even called me a pea-brain (J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone), whatever that is. Finally one of the pieces hit me in the head and I got mad.”

“You were attacked?”

“Yes, Rita, I was attacked. That boy, Harry Potter, jumped up onto my back and attacked me. It was terrifying, I swung my head this way and that, trying to tell him that it was all a big mistake, but he wouldn’t listen and then he did the worst thing possible.”

“And what was that?”

“He jammed his pointy stick up my nose! It hurt terribly and it was then that I rather lost my mind with the pain. I forgot all about the firewood and knew that I had to deal with the insolent little bugger on my own terms. I reached up and grabbed his leg and pulled him off of my back and then, please forgive me for this Mother, I swung at him with my tree branch.”


“That had to have been extremely painful. But surely you didn’t hit him with the tree branch.”

“No, Rita, I didn’t hit him, I’m a troll not a barbarian. I kept missing him on purpose; just to scare him into knowing that you don’t stick a pointy wand up someone’s nose.”

“What happened next?”

“Well, Harry Potter was yelling to the other boy that had come in with him, you know, the rather dull one with red hair, to do something. And the other boy asked what he should do to which Potter said anything, just do something. I was ready to let him go, I really was, as long as he would agree to pull that damn wand out of my nose but he still wasn’t listening. The other boy pulled out his wand and then the girl said something about swish and flick, whatever that means. I heard the red headed boy say something that sounded like a spell and the next thing that I knew my tree branch floated out of my hand and up into the air, where it hung out of my reach. Well, I did what comes naturally, Rita, I looked up at it after looking down at the splinters that it left in my hand. Then it fell and hit me right on top of the head.”

“It hit you on the head?”

“Naturally, I hadn’t had time to move and Harry Potter wasn’t making things any easier by squirming around in my hand. I must have dropped him because I blacked out just as I heard the other boy say something about it being cool, even though it was rather warm in that room.”

“You blacked out? How terrible!”

“What happened next was almost as bad, Rita. There I was, laying on the floor, a lump on my head, bruises all over me and a wand shoved up my nose with them standing over me. I heard the girl ask if I was dead, and Potter said that I wasn’t. Then he reached down and just yanked that wand out of my nose, he didn’t even warn me, he just did it. It hurt like everything and he made some derogatory remark about “troll boogies”! I’ll have you know that I had a cold at the time and who wouldn’t leave residue on something that was jammed up their nose. I’ll bet that even the famous Harry Potter would it that happened to him!”

“So you heard everything that was being said about you?”

“Of course! About that time some more people came into the room, including the guy that left the door open in the first place, and they went on about first years being lucky and full grown mountain trolls and losing points (whatever that means). But no one even stopped to check to see if I was okay and then the one that started it all said something about leaving before I woke up. If I had been able to I might have gotten up and eaten him, just because he made me so mad.”

“Well, long story short, I woke up in the forest and I wandered back to my cave to drink down some Pain-B-Gone that I had bought from a trader. Yes, bought, not stolen. It made the headache go away and I was able to get a restful sleep, but I woke up terribly hungry and the only thing that I had in the cave were a few shrubs and a couple of Flobber worms that I found crawling around. They were not very filling and actually almost nauseating.”

“So have you been back to the castle since?”

“NO! The witches and wizards in that place hate trolls for no reason; we have never done anything to them and look what they do to us. We have rights you know, just like them and I intend to take my case all the way to the Ministry of Magic! Merlin’s Beard, they let the centaurs roam all over the place and don’t bash them in the headlines, why us? Is it because we aren’t as pretty as the centaurs with their bushy tails or the hippogriffs that fly around the lake? We do have some pride you know, I wouldn’t be caught dead with a frilly tail or let people ride me on occasion.”

“My guest is clearly overwrought at this point.”

“It’s not fair, Rita, what makes us different?”

“I don’t know, Ralph. Perhaps the generations of stories told about your people and the rumors about trolls eating children.”

“What about all of the times that your people killed and ate each other when you were living in caves? My people know all about that, but now you’re different because you live in these comfy homes and wear those clothes, does that make you better than we are?”

“So, Ralph, what shall you do now?”

“Continue to fight the fight, Rita! I won’t rest until we trolls have the same rights as you witches and wizards. Right now they all run screaming when I find my way to the Ministry building and then use their wands to send me back to my cave, but maybe someday they will listen. Until then, the students at the school will be told the terrible stories about me and my kin and we have to live with that.”

“And there you have it, yet another story about injustice at the hands of Albus Dumbledore and his hand-selected group of cronies. Sooner or later, we must act to correct the wrongs that are being committed at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and it is only through the kind actions of you, my wonderful readers, that this story of misfortune is possible. Thank you, Ralph, for taking time out of your day to speak to us about your terrible experience.”

“Thank you for listening, Rita, and getting the true story told to all.”

“As we bid farewell to our guest, and the several pounds of food that he ate while he was here, we would once again like to thank our readers for making this column a valued part of the Daily Prophet. This is Rita Skeeter wishing you a wonderful day!”

I had always wanted to do a story like this and decided to tell it from the troll’s point of view. Again, the great thing about AU is that you can make the characters what you want them to be (and have fun doing it). Thank you J.K. Rowling for providing the inspiration for this story and the wonderful characters that you created that became the basis for this one-shot. Thank you HPFF for providing the place to post it and the readers for taking time out of their day to read it.

Evil Otter

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