Callisto @ tda is an amazing and beautiful person!
A/N: This chapter contains a quick reference to human trafficking (don’t worry, the main character is educated on why her joke was really inappropriate), but if this would trigger you I encourage you not to read this chapter. It’s not super important to the main plot, it’s more of a filler.
I’m in the middle of wondering when TJ and Ben are going to arrive for breakfast when Audrey starts going on and on about Godric knows what. Merlin knows those boys are probably doing the dirty. I swear to Godric if they take one more minute to come—.
“So,” TJ says by was of greeting, cutting off my interior monologue and sliding next to me at Gryffindor table, half of which is ripped off thanks to the Albus-Scorpius debacle. “I was happening to jerk off last night when I found this.” He tosses a jumble of papers onto the table.
Audrey and I raise our eyebrows at him. “Okay, the part about you wanking was kind of unnecessary.” Audrey growls.
“Stop trying to shock us. You used to jerk off to Tim Wood, you killed a rabbit as a child, you know how to read. We get it. It’s not really surprising.” I tell him.
“…Well, maybe the last one.” Audrey says.
“No, if you’d pay attention once in a while you’d know that he’s actually a pretty good student.”
“Well, I’m not in three classes with him. I don’t have a single class with him.”
“You did last year.”
“Whatever. So what did you bring us TJ?”
TJ smirks, looking proud of himself. “A birth certificate and journal entries.”
“Oooh juicy!” Audrey cries, reaching for the crumpled and ripped papers. We end up getting into a fight over who gets to read first, and Audrey wins. TJ’s obviously read all of them, as his stereotypical love of gossip is about the gayest thing about him. Hella gay.
“Unhuh, this my shit!” Audrey cheers, skimming all of the journal entries. Then she gets to the birth certificate. “Holy crap! Ly look at this!” She shouts, shoving the papers in my face.
Jensen Atticus Diggory and Cho Chang
“Cedric Diggory had a brother?” We cry simultaneously, a bit too loudly. Silence goes throughout the destroyed Great Hall. Even the professors (who are busy pointing their wands at broken tables and walls to fix them) stop what they’re doing.
“Hush!” TJ whisper-yells. “Maybe it was a cousin, or close-in-age uncle, or adoptive brother. Don’t assume things, you stupid idiots. Now if we’re wrong we’ll be the school dumbasses for the rest of the year.”
Before I know it we’re all running up the stairs to Headmaster Longbottom’s office. We tumble over one another, different pieces of paper flying everywhere. We’re all in a race to break the news to him first.
We all skid to a halt at the gargoyles.
“The Headmaster’s busy.” One of them grunts.
“There’s been a breakthrough!” TJ gasps. “Exercise that isn’t quidditch is a whore.” He gasps for breath, panting and running a shaking hand through his smooth locks.
“Fine, go in.”
We all race up the stairs and fall in a big pile into Headmaster Longbottom’s office.
“What is it now, Miss Malfoy?” Longbottom asks without even looking up from his papers. He knows me by the sound of my footsteps, and it creeps me out. Once I was in trouble (as usual before I got my prefect badge), so I tried putting a charm on the sound my footsteps made, but he still recognized them. I think it was after I accidentally blew up one of the fifth floor bathrooms.
“Cedric Diggory might have had a brother!” Audrey says to him, throwing all the papers at him. He looks sternly through his glasses, that are on the bridge of his nose. I have to admit, they make him look old.
“Let’s just pretend you handed those to me calmly.” He says, his voice tinted in a bored tone. He flicks his wand at all of the papers and they arrange themselves into a neat stack.
“So anyway, the brother had a daughter called Cassandra with Cho Chang, and we need you to verify it. The brother was obviously a Gryffindor at some point in the past ten or twenty years, because TJ was—.”
“TJ was what?”
“Never mind what I was going to say.” I chuckle nervously. “He found them in his dorm.”
“Or perhaps he was corresponding with someone in Gryffindor.” TJ proposes, after glaring at me for nearly telling a professor that he’d been wanking when he’d found the papers.
“Perhaps.” Headmaster Longbottom says. He flicks his wand a few times and looks at some papers before he nods and says, “yes indeed. Cedric Diggory had a younger brother. He was very off the grid.”
“Wait, didn’t Cho Chang marry a muggle?” Audrey questions.
“She did, but they divorced.” TJ states.
“How do you know these things?” Audrey asks, squinting in disbelief. Clearly she underestimates TJ’s and my intelligence. Just because we’re not in the silly little OTC program doesn’t mean that we’re not smart too. She’s just… A little bit smarter.
“Well, you guys made a great discovery today. Congrats. Please continue to snoop around the school and find all of our secrets out.” Headmaster Longbottom tells us sarcastically.
We all stare, raising our eyebrows. TJ speaks up. “I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.”
We’re all back at Gryffindor table when Ben comes down in his pyjamas, yawning and sipping coffee. He trots over to us, pulling a book out of his giant pocket and tossing it to Audrey.
“So, what did I miss?”
TJ, Audrey, and I look at each other. “Nothing,” we chorus. If Ben finds out he’ll be pissed and grumpy for the next month that he couldn’t be the one to find this historical development and announce it to everyone. But that could’ve ended up badly. Ben has really weird historical theories. (Cedric Diggory and Oliver Wood were in a romantic relationship at some point, the original Lily Potter was bisexual, Voldemort was found by his father and told to cause world chaos and destruction, etc.)
That night there’s a party in the ROR. I decided that I wouldn’t be going, but TJ, Ben, and Audrey came up into my dorm to drag me along (skipping for Audrey, and clambering for TJ and Ben, due to the slide thingy).
“Lyra, we’re going!” TJ exclaims.
“No excuses!” Audrey says, trying to pull me out of bed, and signalling at Ben to help her.
“Come on Lyra. This time I’ll actually party!” Ben says, trying to convince me.
“If you get out of bed Ben and I will come out in the near future.” TJ tells me. I see Ben glare at him as I fall to the ground, making the whole room shake with a big “thump”. ‘The near future’ in TJ language is within the next ten years. How is that supposed to convince me? Also it’s their journey, not mine.
“Fine, I’ll go. Just promise me that you guys will stop pulling me out of bed and handcuffing me like you’re preparing to sell me to the highest bidder.”
“Fine.” Audrey huffs. Her way of forcing people to do things is pulling them out of bed, so I can get why she’s upset.
“Lyra, please don’t make jokes about human trafficking. It’s a very serious issue, and a horrible thing. Some people are sensitive to that kind of joke.” Ben tells me, looking me in the eyes.
“Thank you for educating us, Ben.” I say, my voice lacking sarcasm and instead voicing complete sincerity (a very rare thing). We all sit in a bit of an awkward quiet after that, all silently judging the inappropriateness of my joke.
“Okay, let’s just forget I said that and move on.” I announce, stand, and take Audrey’s hand so that she can lead me to the party.
“I can’t believe you’re going willingly!” Audrey cheers, as we exit the serious and re-enter the normal ignorance of our lives.
“Oh I’m not going willingly, I’m just going to make you happy.”
“Well, you’ll get to meet my boyfriend.” She says, feigning casualty. I drop her hand and raise my eyebrows in a questioning aura.
“Did you say boyfriend?” She nods happily. Audrey, Ben, and I start screaming with excitement, jumping up and down while TJ stares at all three of us confused.
“You guys are such girls.” He mutters, rolling his eyes.
“We are girls, what’s Ben’s excuse?” I say.
“I’m gay.” Ben protests.
“And I’m not?” TJ asks sarcastically.
“I’m excitable!” Ben says.
“No, you’re really not. Unless it’s about a schedule or a new class, you’re really not.” Audrey points out.
“He’s happy for his friends always.” I say. We settle on this, and then Audrey grabs my hand and continues to drag me to her stupid party.
We trot down the stairs and hop off the landing. TJ and Ben start going down, but then the stairs turn into their slide, and they start falling down. The two of them land on each other with a boom, knocking down everything in their path.
“Oooof that’s gonna leave a mark.” Audrey cringes.
“Don’t worry,” I tell her. “TJ has a quidditch head.” I pause. “I don’t know about Ben though,” I say, just as he lets out a loud moan of pain.
“Maybe we should take him to the Hospital Wing.” Audrey wonders aloud.
“Yeah, sounds like a good idea.” TJ agrees whist rubbing his head, after jumping up.
After taking Ben to Madam Pomfrey we finally enter the party (half an hour late, and completely unfashionably). Ohhhh no here come… The swarm of girls.
TJ, unlike us, is actually quite popular. TJ is closeted. TJ is hot as fuck if I do say so myself (I’d never date him though, even if he was straight). TJ is a Godric damned girl magnet.
“Hi TJ,” Violet Vane greets with a sigh, her eyeballs popping out of her sockets and taking a ride around the park.
“Hi TJ,” Amanda Brown follows suit.
“Hey TJ.” Rowan Finch-Fletchley smiles coyly. Of course, poor TJ has to follow suit and flirt with them. I can hear Audrey running away retching already.
“Hi ladies.” TJ grins. “Sorry, but I’m here with someone tonight.” The girls all look like someone’s killed everyone they love. TJ turns to me. “I’m sorry” he mouths. Oh God. Oh No. Oh Please. Why does everyone I don’t like want to kiss me, but the one boy I actually do totally friend-zoned? He leans in, puckering his lips. I stare wide eyed as he comes closer. WHY ME? WHY NOT AUDREY? SERIOUSLY, WTF? His lips meet mine in a little peck, and I swear that I’m going to throw up in his mouth. How is it that TJ not coming out has to cause repercussions for me and not him? He continues to kiss, and it starts to turn into more of a peck. I break away and smile… If I don’t play along he’ll have kissed me for nothing.
“Babe, I thought that you wanted to wait to tell everyone about us. I will fucking kill you.” I say, then hug him and whisper-yell the next part.
“I just want everyone to know how much I love you. It’s not my fault, okay?” He squeezes me while saying the first part, then whisper-yells too. We let go of each other, and I take his hand until we walk away from their little group and behind the curtains the the room provided for couples who wanted to make out.
“You are going to the Hospital Wing and telling Ben this instant! I will not be the other woman. I. Re. Fuse.” I growl.
“Actually he already knows. We both agreed that if I’m ever in a tough spot that I should just kiss you.”
“Me! Why not Audrey?”
“Because she has a boyfriend ‘Miss I’m going to pretend to suffer from amnesia once in a while.’”
“Oh yeah,” I reply, tossing my head back and remembering everything. “Let’s go meet him!” I cheer excitedly, completely forgetting that TJ just kissed me.
After a few minutes of searching we find Audrey, who’s dancing with a tall boy who has brown hair that (if I have to admit) looks kind of as if a squirrel took a shit on his head and left its tail there, but is pretty cute. Audrey notices us walking towards her and squees, dragging the boy with her. He smiles at us. “Lyra, TJ, this is Parker.”
“Hi Parker, it’s really nice to meet you. Audrey’s told us absolutely nothing about you.” I exclaim. He chuckles at this. All of a sudden, TJ looks horrified. I look where he’s looking and see the girls from earlier smirking at us as if they don’t believe our lie. “So, tell me about your—.” All of a sudden TJ kisses me on the cheek nervously, and before we know it there’s vomit all over Parker. I guess that’s how disgusted I am by the idea of TJ and I doing anything romantic together. I gasp, tasting the bitterness of tonight’s meal mixed with gastric acid and a lot of Liquorice Wands in my mouth. Everyone stops, and the girls start snickering. Parker is cringing, his eyes are shut tight. TJ’s hand is in front of his mouth, and I think that Audrey’s fainted. As for me: I’m mortified. I can’t believe I barfed on him!
Worst. Party. Ever.
Author’s Note: Just clearing up something - Ben has never been a victim of the heinous crime mentioned in this chapter, he is just very conscientious of others, always. You should be too.
Also, I actually had no idea that anyone was going to get barfed on when I started this chapter, so I hope that it’s not too over the top.
P.S. No Parkers were harmed in the writing of this chapter.
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