need to write this all down, because I miss you and the pain is too hard to deal with. I love you so, so much. And I need to tell you this.
You were across the Great Hall with your friends, laughing as I watched your beautiful face. A passing cloud that had been blocking the sun, moved. Sunlight drenched the room in gold, illuminating your face and making you look godly. My hands shook, butterflies flew around my stomach, my pulse rocketed. Feelings danced around in my mind, twirling and dipping and swirling. Your smile, your laugh, your face and the rest of you. And then you turned to me… A small smile tugging at the corner of your perfectly soft pink mouth. Your freckled hand raised and you gave me a little wave to go along with the smile, and nervously I gave a little wave back.
It was only a smile but my heart it went wild.
It was painful, the feeling I experienced whenever I was without you. Slowly, a blooming friendship grew between us. You were so still and beautiful, and all the time I was transfixed. You transfix me. As our friendship grew, the separation anxiety did as well. I need you.
Our friendship grew and grew, and soon I needed you even more. But now we were spending so much time together, and I felt okay on my own once in a while. But that ended when your lips brushed lightly against mine, and you gave me that heart winning smile again. I was back again, missing you whenever we were apart.
When school ended for me, at the end of the year, I cherished the summer with you before you needed to go back. Our long walks in the grassy parks, our swims in the cool and refreshing creek near your house, our nighttime stargazing. Our love stood still as our friendship went racing, and ever since that brush of lips nothing had really occurred between us, and we had never discussed the probable possibility of deeper feelings. I longed for your touch. And though now you’ve touched me many times, I desire you more than anything in existence. I need you more than air.
During one of these walks I felt your warm palm press up against mine, and our fingers curled and intertwined. Our hearts beating in synch. This was a confirmation that didn’t require words. And then I saw your happy smile. The smile that had won me over from the beginning.
And then, that night things went quickly. Kisses, moonlight, and intertwining legs. Really an awkward tangle in the night. I kissed you slowly, I kissed you fast. The most thrilling part was that you kissed back, fast and slow, deep and quick. I’d known you well for barely anytime at all, but you trusted me and I trusted you. We danced in the sheets, trying to get as close to each other as humanely possible. I am scarred in the best way by your soft lips, your gentle fingers, and your quickly beating heart. I cherish those moments, and I look back as often as possible.
"Okay, I'm being completely honest, that was totally unexpected. But I loved it none-the-less." You smiled.
You kissed my nose, and I hummed against your lips happily. You were my everything, and you still are. The only difference is now I cannot tell you as often as I want to. You were my sweet and gentle flower, my kind thoughtful snowflake. It was that morning that you said the little word among the four, but I only noticed the important word. I almost didn't hear it, but I did. I love you too, Hugo.
Your seventh year went by quickly. Soon I was helping you through your exams, giving you the same advice I had needed for myself two years before. I tried to support you in your times of stress. Our first real fight came about that time, around March break. I felt so horrible, your words had stung and I was sure that mine had too. I ran to your house in the pouring rain, and threw rocks at your window. You opened a few seconds later, your sleepy face twisting into a small smile. I came up into your room by climbing the tree near your window, and I slid in with a little thud. “I’m so, so sorry.” I cried. You apologized as well, and we held each other tight until morning, listening to the rain fall as we kissed lightly.
I thought that this would all end, in the drama of a teenage romance. But it carried on. Taken through years and beat up a bit, loved and cherished until the end. Our love seemed invincible at the time. I know now that it’s not. But let’s not think about that. I’d much rather remember the memories. Soon after you had graduated, and I was working hard at my brand new job. Shortly after you were seeking your own dream job, and we moved into our tiny little old apartment. Remember that one? The one with the ancient hardwood floors that would creak whenever you walked on them, the one we nearly destroyed having a paint fight, the one where we spent a glorious three years.
I never expected you to stay, or me. But you did, and I did. And I kept asking myself what in the world I did to deserve you.
Often we debated leaving our silly little apartment, but there were so many memories that we couldn’t bare it. Some of them were stupid reasons to stay, like eating old thai food on the kitchen floor in the middle of a blizzard when the power was out. Or maybe giving our puppy his first bath. But some of them were priceless.
That apartment was where I asked you a question that changed our lives.
You changed my life with your stupid, beautiful, amazing, perfect smile.
It was all so beautiful, but what really captured my attention was you. You looking at me from across the room. And there was that smile. We’re about to be eternally bound, and you give me the smile that first brought me to you, was all that I could think about. I wouldn't change anything about that spring day.
We packed boxes and boxes, and we moved to a bigger house. I remember how nostalgic we had been about that old apartment, how we’d run around chasing each other with cameras and making sure every inch of the place we’d lived in for three years was documented. And then we went to Nepal, and we came back with Chameli. We couldn’t resist how perfect she was for us.
Without that innocent kiss, what a life I'd have missed.
Still I can remember things before and after. Running bare foot in the grass, dancing with brightly coloured sparklers shining in our hands. Setting off fireworks and picnics and kids and dogs and lazy afternoons. I taught you how the world of healing worked, you taught me how to cook. The first present you bought me was a dreamcatcher, orange like your hair. The first present I bought you was a dog. The first trip we took together was to Lipari, that beautiful island in Italy. It was also the location of the last trip we took. The first car we had was a rather nasty red truck, which kept spluttering and ran out of gas too quickly. Our first kiss in the dormitory on a Saturday Morning. Our last kiss in that awful hospital.
If you’d not took a chance, on a little romance.
Still I imagine kissing you, and how it made me feel. I was so completely in love with you, and you were so completely in love with me. A marriage, houses, apartments, three kids now on their own, a history.
And then it all ended. I was horrified and I hated it all more than anything. I cried thunderous sobs, and I was so scared of what would come. What would happen to you. I thought about all the years, and all the time, all the kisses, and all the words.
And then you were sick again... And it destroyed me.
I tried to stop it, I really did. I payed all the money, I brought the kids to see you, I sat by your side day and night. You have no idea how much my heart broke and shattered as your eyes fluttered closed slowly.
Just know how much I love you. I love you, so so much. You will always be here in my heart, and I am immensely anxious for the day we meet again. I’ll see you up there, and at first you will not recognize me. But then you will give me that smile of yours, and as you embrace me I will know that everything is going to be okay.
I miss you more then words can describe, and I love you an infinite amount of times more than that. I love you.
Yours with indescribable love,
I wasn't expecting any of it. I wasn't expecting you.
Author's Note: This is my first song fic ever *hides*. I feel like I did horrible! So I am just letting you know that so that you do not judge me too harshly. I hope that you're having a great day, and that you enjoyed the story!
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