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Hi everyone, this is my first story here. I Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters in this story.

 

While the door of the hospital wing swung shut behind me, I fastened my step. I had to do this and I’d rather have it happened as soon as possible. I met a few students on my way to the entrance hall, looking shocked or scared. Luckily most of the students were still at the maze. I had to confess to myself, even, I was quite nervous. What if Voldemort would be so angry he just… killed me?

I have to do it, I thought while I stepped out of the entrance hall onto the steps. From the direction of the maze I heard noise, screaming. Ignoring it, I walked to the gates. I had promised Dumbledore and although I still wondered whether it was a good promise or not, I had no choice. Not anymore. I thought about Lily, her beautiful hair and her eyes. Her eyes. The Potterboy had her eyes and I couldn’t stand that. I couldn’t stand seeing her eyes on a body so like James Potter. I had reached the gates. After leaving them behind I stopped. I inhaled deeply, then focussing on the graveyard, I disapparated. 

The next moment I stood there, on the edge. I heard voices in the distance. One was particularly high. It must be his. My heart pounding, I started walking towards it. From a distance I could tell there were two people.

“ Peter, do you hear someone as well?” The Dark Lord asked. I stopped dead in my tracks. Peter. Peter Pettigrew, the reason Lily died. I waited for just a second to control my anger. I couldn’t arrive in any other state than humble.

“ I believe so, my Lord.” Peter’s voice sounded.

“ Reveal yourself,” Voldemort said, clearly.

“ It’s me, my Lord.” I said, walking faster towards the Dark lord. He looked different. As if he were wearing a mask, his eyes red, he barely had a nose.

“ Snape.” The Dark Lord’s appearance changed suddenly from expectant to angry. “Where were you half an hour ago?”

Thinking that would be best I dropped to my knees. “My Lord.”

“ I asked you something.” He sounded even angrier. “CRUCIO.”

The, long-not-felt, wave of pain came over me. I pressed my head in the earth in front of me, groaning. I didn’t want to look weak, I couldn’t, otherwise I would have screamed in agony. Think of Lily, think of what you are doing this for I kept telling myself over and over and over again.

The moment I thought I couldn’t stand it anymore, the moment I thought I would start screaming and writhing, it stopped. I kept sitting that way. On my knees with my head and hands pressed against the earth, panting.

“ Well? Ready to answer me?”  He still sounded angry, “Or do you need a little more…”

The next moment it was there again, the pain. This time I fell over, screaming. Why? Why had I promised Dumbledore? Was this worth it? It went on and on and on. And then it stopped. I lay there, every limb of my body aching, but I knew that I had to answer right away, if I didn’t want to be tortured again or killed.

“ My Lord, I have stayed where you ordered me to be before you…. Disappeared thirteen years ago,” I panted.  Voldemort raised his eyebrows at my words, but stayed quiet all the while. I continued, aware of the fact that his being quiet could be even more dangerous.

“You ordered me to teach at Hogwarts and so I did and I stayed there. As you know Harry Potter is in his fourth year there, so I have taught him for a rather long time. I can tell you a lot. If you want me to, I can be of great service.” I was careful, very careful. Being too direct was dangerous now.

Voldemort stayed quiet for a long time. I bowed my head, focusing on my breath to keep my calm. My body was still aching from the cruciatus curses and I was more afraid than I dared admit.

“Is he still alive? The boy?”

“Yes, My Lord, he is taken care of.”

“Good. Keep him alive. I must be the one to kill him. It has been shameful and a disaster that he escaped, but he will not escape again.” I saw the fury in Voldemort’s eyes.

“My Lord, do you want me to tell you what I know?” I asked, carefully. It was beginning to look like I was going to stay alive after all
“Not tonight, Snape. I want you to go and be nice to Dumbledore. I am going to need you as my spy at Hogwarts…”

“Does that mean you want me to go now?”

“Yes, go. You are free for now, but I want you back soon to tell about all the things you have observed at Hogwarts. And don’t try to be smart on me! I need rest now, Wormtail. I’ve been through too much tonight already.” He turned his back on me.

I let out a sigh of relief. That was it then. I could return to Hogwarts alive. While Voldemort and Wormtail walked away in the direction of the manor seen on the top of the closest hill, I kept standing there. Breathing heavily, staring into the dark of the graveyard. I was relieved and at the same time I already felt the burden I had to bear. From now on I had to be Voldemort’s spy and Dumbledore’s spy. When I couldn’t hear the footsteps of Voldemort and Wormtail anymore it became totally quiet. I heard an owl hood somewhere far away. I sat down on a bench a few meter away. Suddenly I was sobbing. Tears started streaming down my face. I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed of still being moved by Lily’s death, afraid of what might happen. And here I was, a man of not even 40 years of ages, crying.

It took a while to gather myself. I would do it, for the love of Lily. I had promised and I would. I had found my strength again. Getting up and turning on the spot, I found myself back in Hogsmead, just an instant later.

“Severus, Severus!” I turned around and saw Rosmerta running up to me.

“Rosmerta,” I tried to say friendly. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone now, except from Dumbledore, although I only wanted that because I knew I had to.

“Severus, what happened at the castle? Is everyone all right?”

“I thought you were going to come to the third task?”
“No, I couldn’t go.”

“The Triwizard Cup was a portkey, Potter was taken to Voldemort. He killed Cedric Diggory. Alastor Moody turned out to be Barty Crouch Jr. under the influence of Polyjuice potion. Voldemort is back, Rosmerta, he’s back.” I spoke fast. Rosmerta blinked for a while, but then she gasped in horror and started to ask questions.

“But how Severus? Is anyone else hurt? Is Potter still alive? How? What about the Diggory boy?” Before I could answer them she excused herself and ran off in the direction of The Three Broomsticks, saying she was going to close it and get her coat.

I was glad I did not have to answer all her questions and walk with her. I walked off, fast, in the direction of Hogwarts castle. I used one of the back entrances only Dumbledore, McGonagall and I knew about. I wanted to avoid other people. I walked straight to Dumbledore’s office. He sat there, writing something, when I came in. He looked up when I entered and smiled.

“Ah, Severus, so everything went well.”

“You could say so…” I answered, faking a smile. Dumbledore’s smile faded and he asked:

“What’s wrong, Severus?”

“Nothing.” I was not going to tell him the truth. I would seem weak.

Dumbledore didn’t say anything for a while. He just looked at me.

“What did he say?”

“Not much. He was very angry with me… he tortured me a few times. After I explained everything he wasn’t angry anymore, I seem to be on the safe side now, but I shouldn’t do risky things.”

“You don’t want to do this anymore, do you?” Dumbledore squeezed his eyes a bit and leaned back. I decided on telling the truth.

“Honestly, no. I am done with being a spy. Staying strong on two sides.” I looked him in the eyes. His eyes seemed to change from friendly to harsh.

“YOU chose this, Severus. YOU promised to help me.”

“I did, but would you do it? Would you do it, if you knew you would risk your life again and again? Would you risk being tortured?” Anger rose up in me now.

“I would,” Dumbledore said, simply. “You know, Severus. I’ve been tortured again and again. You’re the first one I tell this. In my search for Grindlewald, I’ve been captured and tortured for 24 hours straight. I survived. You will survive this too. You’re strong. Just be as numb as you appear to your students.”

“And what if I quit?” I asked defiantly.

“That would be your choice. If you do so, know I won’t be the hero to save your day if you’re in need.” Dumbledore sounded harsh. “But Severus, if you keep on doing this, you will have a key role in the order. We wouldn’t be able to do without you.”

I didn’t say anything. After a while I stood up and walked to the door.

“Severus?” Dumbledore asked me, when I was nearly at the door.

Reluctantly, I turned around.

“You’re always stronger then you think you are. Just try.” He smiled.

I leaved his office. Just try.

 

 

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