I traced my finger along the charred portrait of what used to be, my own brow crinkling in the same way his own used to as he gazed upon this wall. He must have known when he walked into that Department of Mysteries, it would be the last time I saw him. I turned away from the cracked wall before I began crying again. My peasant skirt swept across the floor as I settled back on the creaking, unused couch. I don't think he meant for any of this to happen, but it has. If I had one more wish, it would be to undo whatever it was I did that made me attach to him. He used to have this affect on everyone he came in contact with. The clear eyes pierced your heart, his heavy laughter penetrated the soul, and broke any walls that had been previously built up. Sometimes, (more recently coming up on the memorial service), I could feel his silky hair in my hands, and hear the whisper of grasses moving in the wind when we sat out for our monthly picnic.
And then there was the pain I felt all the time now. Worse than any I had experienced previously. I had blood rushing through my ears all the time, and there's nothing I could do to stop it. I heard nothing else; only blood, heavy laughter, and wind. I had an ache in my chest like no other, the pain crushing, like breaking the same rib repeatedly.
I sat up quickly and tucked my hair behind my ear as I heard someone in the hallway by the doorway. Remus closed the door when I looked up at him, and I slouched back down. I hated how they were treating me, lately. I understand perfectly well why I was being treated like china, but it was annoying. It was almost as bad as Regulus. Of course, I was the only one who knew he had already begun to betray Voldemort. Maybe if Sirius wasn't dead, I would be able to get information out of him, but for now, I was pretty much useless. I couldn't even get the courage to tell the Order I'd been in contact with him. Regulus didn't have much information, anyway. I'm sure he would be dead soon, as well. I couldn't bring myself to mention any of this. My own body was in a battle with itself, and both sides refused to cooperate. My brain would accept what my heart could not. He was really just another casualty in the battle, my brain knew that. My heart did not, and ached for that to be true. I wanted to be cold and distant, and have the ability to not care.
What happened to the old reliable Marlene? She rained joy and happiness on anything she touched. That girl was beautiful, and funny, and graceful. Trustworthy and overall, a kind person. It was funny how it was easier to hate yourself if you wanted to. Back when I was in Hogwarts, I wanted something to be wrong with me. I wanted to have a bumpy nose so I could hate something about myself. But, back then, we had no problems. We were carefree, and nothing could stop us. Now, I could pick out five flaws the instant a mirror was flashed in my face.
I was Marlene McKinnon, and he was Sirius Black, and we were separate entities. Another concept my brain grasped but my heart would not. I did not depend on him, he would be fine without me. One more that my heart did not accept. I loved him. He did not love me. This last one, my heart understood as well. I also knew in my mind, inexplicably, that he did not love me. No matter how many times he murmured, whispered, said, and yelled it, I knew it to be a lie. This was something that my heart and brain could both agree on.
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