“This is boring as hell,” I sighed, slumping sideways into my desk. There was literally nothing more torturous than History of Magic double on a Monday morning. To think I’d been looking forward to coming back to Hogwarts.
“Tell me about it,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “I mean who actually gives a shit about the goblin wars?”
I let my eyes wander the room, trying to think of something amusing to keep myself entertained. My gaze fell on the flop of greasy black hair, the hooked nose practically touching the parchment.
“Hey,” I whispered, kicking the back of Remus’ chair, “Wanna see me torture Snivellus?”
“No, I do not,” Remus sighed, wheeling back round to continue noting down dates.
“Seriously, Moony, you must be the only one listening,” Sirius scoffed, “Can I borrow your notes afterwards?”
“In case you haven’t realised, we have our NEWTs coming up, Padfoot, and they’re very important. You need to do your own work for once- and you, James, don’t sit there smirking. Besides, I’m not the only one- Dorcas is listening.”
Sirius shot a glance to the far end of the classroom. “Dorcas is asleep.”
I followed his gaze and stifled a laugh as I saw Dorcas sprawled out on her desk, her quill slowly slipping from her hand as Professor Binns droned on and on.
“Yeah...but still,” Moony said hastily, “She’s listening.”
“Course she is,” I chuckled, “And I’m a direct descendant of Merlin himself.”
Sirius turned back to me expectantly. “Well, go on then, are you gonna give us some entertainment, or shall I?”
I narrowed my eyes to where Snivellus was sat. God, I hated his guts.
And with a quick flick of my wand, Snape’s chair was flipped over and he fell off onto the stone floor, his ink bottle landing with a crack beside him and its’ contents spattering his face and robes. Professor Binns barely looked up from his papers, while Sirius and I howled with laughter at the back of the classroom.
Snape chanced a glare towards us and then began muttering charms underneath his breath to get rid of the ink and uprighted his chair again.
The bell rang, and everyone rushed towards the door as fast as they could even though Professor Binns continued to drone on, utterly unabashed. I looked up as Evans marched towards me and seized the front of my robes.
If she wasn’t so angry, it would have been sexy.
Oh, who was I kidding? Of course it was sexy.
“What do you think you’re doing, Potter?” she snarled, her green eyes flashing.
I searched my brain quickly for a smart arse answer. Must not lose cool in front of Evans. Must not lose cool in front of Evans. Especially when she’s pissed.
“Erm...I believe I am walking, Evans, unless you have decided to rewrite the laws of physics and I am actually standing still?”
Oh, that was a good one. I watch her intently as her eyes narrow- she doesn’t know how to reply to that.
Lily made an irritated growling noise. “You know full well that’s not what I meant,” she said through gritted teeth.
“You’re still hot when you’re angry, Evans,” I told her with my best lopsided grin, “We should date sometime.”
“Listen, Potter,” Lily hissed, “I am not going out with you. Not ever. And why did you just do that to Severus? He wasn’t bothering you!”
How could she stand up for him? The dirty Slytherin scum...he was the one who treated her like shit, yet every time I did anything to him it was me she had a go at. It just made me hate him even more.
“Ah, well we’ve been through this before, haven’t we, Evans? It’s more his presence on this earth that bothers me, so technically he was...”
“I don’t know why you think you’re so great, Potter, but I’ll have you know your presence on this earth bothers me. So just leave Severus alone, alright?”
My presence on this earth bothers you because my sexiness is much too distracting for you, Evans, we all know that’s what you mean really.
Wait...did I say that out loud?
And with that, she turned on her heel and left.
“Bad luck, mate,” Sirius said darkly from behind me, “C’mon then, we’ve got Transfiguration next.”
“Right,” I agreed, feeling throughly defeated as we followed Remus and Peter out of the classroom.
“I “I hate him. I absolutely hate him. Why does he have to be so....so...so....”
I gripped the table with my fists to stop myself from punching something. Sirius Black glanced at me from across the room, and then turned to say something to Potter. Or someone.
“Arrogant, conceited, egotistical, irritating?” Marlene replied in a bored voice, prodding her toad in the stomach so it croaked loudly.
“Yes! Yes! Those...and...and...”
“Now, Lily, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re becoming a tad overly obsessed with Potter and his little antics. He’s all you’ve been ranting about recently.”
“Well that’s because of how much I utterly despise him...”
“Are you sure? So he’s on the market then? Because Merlin’s beard, that boy is fit...”
My brain faltered slightly. Yes, James was gorgeous- not that I would ever admit it to anyone, not even Marlene.
Especially not Marlene.
“What?! No! Wait! Yes! He is not fit in the slightest, and even if he was, his overlarge head would get in the way of any good looks...”
“....got nothing on Black of course, but still, I so would...”
That was true too. It was so unfair how the two biggest arseholes I had ever met in my entire left also happened to be the two most beautiful to ever grace these hallways.
Stop it, Lily. They’re disgusting. Disgusting.
“Shut up, Marlene!” I cried. If she carried on I’d probably end up saying something I definitely didn’t want to say out loud. Something about Potter’s irritatingly perfect hair on his big brown eyes or the way his glasses-
“She’s right you know,” Dorcas added chirpily, as she had already succeeded in turning her toad into a cushion. She’d woken up a bit more after falling asleep in History of Magic this morning.
“Who is?” I snapped.
“Marlene. He’s cute, Lily.”
“More than cute,” Mary scoffed, wheeling her chair around to face us, “Have you seen that-”
I do not want to talk about James Potter’s arse, I do not want to talk about James Potter’s arse-
“Miss Macdonald,” Professor McGonagall said, looking pointedly down at Mary, who blushed slightly, “As much as it is truly fascinating to hear your incredibly insightful opinions on your friend’s love life, I can’t help but notice that your toad has made absolutely no progress at all from the beginning of the lesson apart from the fact you have turned it a rather violent shade of pink.”
I stared down at Mary’s toad and couldn’t help but suppress a giggle. She really was brilliant for comedic value.
The class sniggered in unison.
“Yes, Professor,” Mary muttered darkly under her breath, and returned to stabbing (a little more violently than before) her bright pink toad in the eye with her wand.
Marlene and Dorcas collapsed into fits of giggles as Professor McGonagall turned away from us and I couldn’t help but grin. James caught my eye from the other side of the classroom and winked. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and turned away as quickly as possible, pretending I hadn’t even noticed.
“See that, Lily?” Marlene elbowed me, “He wants you.”
“I never quite understood why you don’t just say yes, Lily,” Mary pointed out, “He’s asked you out enough times already. He’s one of the hottest guys in the school.”
“Who cares if he’s hot, he’s got the personality of a- a- “
“An annoying worm?” Marlene suggested, smirking.
I frowned at her. “Yes!”
Mary turned around again. “Guys, I don’t get it. What are we meant to be doing?”
“So Moony, tell me,” I called loudly as me and Wormtail jogged to catch up with him after Transfiguration (Sirius had hung back to attempt to flirt with Marlene) “When is it your time of the month again? Because I’m dying to get the Map out again...honestly, I think I can only deal with so much more boredom...”
A curly haired Ravenclaw in front of us glanced at us strangely and Remus gave me a withering look.
“Not here, James,” Remus hissed, increasing his stride as we approached the common room.
We climbed through the portrait hall and Remus increased his stride to cross the common room towards the stairs to the boys’ dormitories.
“Hey, Moony, wait!” I yelled after him, almost knocking over a bunch of first years as I followed, “Where are you going?”
“Need to get ready for prefect duties with Lily,” Remus muttered, “McGonagall wants us in her office at five.”
Prefect duties. Of course.
“What prefect duties? What could you possibly need to do? I mean, the job’s a joke, all it’s there for is to torture young Marauders like ourselves, innocent children fighting valiantly for the good of misbehaving...” and then it dawned on him, “Hey! How come you get to spend time with Lily alone? This is not fair.”
“Well maybe if you behaved yourself a bit more you’d – “
But a thought of such utter brilliance had struck me that I simply did not have time to waste with one of Remus’ behave-yourself lectures. I cut him off with a quick wave of my hand.
“Minor details, minor details. Anyway Moony, this is what you’ve got to do.”
I beckoned him closer, and placed one hand on his shoulder.
“Try and drop my name into the conversation, you know, here and there...if you do, you must tell Lily about me passing my Transfiguration OWL with one hundred and twenty percent last year, okay? That’ll get me in her good books. Oh, and there’s definitely a Chocolate Frog in it for you everytime you mention my abs.”
“Mention your abs-?!!”
“Shh, shh, Moony, listen. I need you to do this for me. Go on, be a mate. This could really get me in there, you know. I know she’s literally this close,” I held up my forefinger and thumb, “to agreeing to go out with me.”
“Righhht,” Remus looked apprehensive, “And this is because...”
“Oh c’mon, Moony,” I said, stepping back and messing up my hair, “Look at me. She can only resist me for so much longer. She’s got to cave in at some time.”
“And why is that, exactly?”
“Animal magnetism, my friend. And your trusty help,” I clapped Remus on the back enthusiastically, “Good luck, mate. I’m off to find Sirius.”
And with that, I headed back towards the portrait hole.
“So, as I was saying,” Remus said hastily, we patrolled the corridors, “James managed to get one hundred and twenty percent on that Transfiguration exam last year and it was practically impossible, wasn’t it? Oh and he- er- he’s really quite erm- easy on the eye, isn’t he?”
Why did he keep going on about Potter?
I stopped dead in her tracks and swung round to face Remus. “You know, Remus, if you like James so much, you should probably just tell him, you know...”
“Er- I’m sorry, what?” Remus looked abashed.
I frowned, confused.
“Well, that’s the tenth time you’ve mentioned him in the conversation and I was just...well, I just...thought you might...you know...”
“Thought I might what exactly?!” said Remus, highly affronted.
Oh dear lord, how do I put this? He’s my friend, and he should know it’s perfectly alright to be...
“Remus, it’s perfectly alright to be having these sort of feelings, you know...I mean there’s really nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all!” I said hastily, flushing slightly. I’d never really thought I’d have to have this conversation with him, to be honest. I’d always thought he fancied Dorcas.
Remus spluttered something about getting the wrong end of the stick, but I ploughed on regardless. I wanted to make sure he knew I was there for him no matter what.
“I mean, Mary’s got too gay uncles, she’s told us all about them, and she says they’re perfectly happy...”
“LILY EVANS, I AM NOT GAY!”
I nearly jumped out of my skin in surprise. Well then, why had he kept going on about James? There was something fishy about this...
Just at that moment, Professor Flitwick stuck his head round the classroom door nearest, looking concerned. “Are you two quite all right? I heard quite a commotion...”
“Yes,” Remus replied, turning beetroot red, “Yes, we’re quite okay, thank you...”
Oh Merlin, this had to be the most embarrassing thing I had ever done.
“Oh,” I stopped abruptly, feeling slightly ashamed, “Oh, well, then...I was just..well..you were bringing him up rather a lot...”
“That’s because he told me to,” Remus hissed, as we continued to stroll down the corridor, “I think he wanted to...to, er...get into your good books, so to speak...”
“Oh,” I repeated, blinking, “Oh.”
“Yes, oh,” Remus grumbled irritably.
Then I looked at Remus, and he looked at me, and simultaneously burst out laughing.
“I can’t believe...you...” I doubled up, panting in hysterics, and pointing my finger at Remus, “I thought...you....James...”
I was in tears of laughter.
“Yes, yes, very funny,” Remus snapped, having recovered from his own fit of giggles, and dragged me by the arm further down the corridor, “Now will you stop laughing?”
Once I had finished crying with laughter, I leaned on Remus’ shoulder and straightened up. “That absolute arse though...I can’t believe he got you to say all those things for him...”
I couldn’t believe the levels he would go to in order to piss me off. Getting his best friends to go on about his grades and his...I was going to have serious difficulty erasing the memory of Remus informing me about James’ abs from my mind...
This was just like James to manipulate his friend into doing something so stupid for him rather than humiliating himself. Would he stop at nothing?
Oh god, I was never doing that again. Couldn’t think of anything more humiliating. The look on Lily’s face when she had been going on about Mary’s gay uncles...I cringed inwardly just thinking about it, as we returned to the common room in silence.
For a while Lily had found it funny, but now I could positively feel her fuming with anger. I wouldn’t wish to swap places with Prongs right now.
“Ah, Moony, there you are!” James stood up from where he was helping Peter with his Transfiguration essay beside the fire, and made his way towards me, as I climbed through the portrait hole, truly feeling completely disgruntled.
“Did you tell her everything we discussed?” James added in undertones as I approached.
I bit my lip. Any minute now...
At that moment, Lily burst through the portrait hole, face blazing, hair flying around her face.
“JAMES POTTER YOU ARROGANT GIT.....”
“I’d get out of the way if I were you,” Sirius said grimly to James, finally disengaging himself from the pretty brunette he was snogging on the sofa.
“Hey!” I cried, suddenly distracted, “What’s she doing in here? She’s a Hufflepuff!”
“Yeah, well,” Sirius replied in bored tones, “There are certain privileges when one is hooking up with Sirius Black...”
I made a disgusted noise, and made my way up to the dormitory...it was always better to stay away when there was an argument between James and Lily...no one wanted to get involved in one of those...