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“Well, I just want to put out information about Heliotropes, they’re very dangerous! My father...” says Luna, dreamily. She twirls my mane in her hands from where I sit on Dumbledore’s desk.

“Yes, Luna. I will speak about it at the Halloween feast,” says Dumbledore, cutting her off sharply but kindly. Luna smiles up and him and cries,

“Thank you, Professor!” before skipping out of the room, bare feet hardly touching the polished wood.

“Luna, your hat...” calls Professor Dumbledore, noticing that I had been left behind.

He sighs and places me on his desk, and my Luna, well she is long gone to proclaim about Nargles in the corridors.

There I lie her famous lion hat, made of soft orange felt with an open jaw where the head should go, a beautiful realistic mane in strips of gold and yellow and huge stuffed teeth. I am no narcissist, I swear.

He taps me fondly with his wand and I emit a fabulous roar that startles the Sorting Hat, from its unconsciousness on the same desk, I laugh, and another roar comes forth. Dumbledore considers us for a second, and to my horror, slips me under the moody old Sorting Hat and strolls out, winking at me and then just leaving.

I hear a voice in my ear and try to stop myself groaning,

“What doth wake me from my sleep?
I the hat that rarely emits a peep.
All year long I wait and slumber,
‘Til the children have a hunger.
Then how I sing, sing of the wise,
And now you’ve disturbed me, to my surprise.
I on your head, to sort you I guess?
Well, I’ll do what I must to fix this mess.
You’ve brains of gold but bravery galore,
Yes, I suppose you’re a GRYFFINDOR!”
sings the Sorting Hat, somewhat bitterly.

It then makes an effort to spring itself from my man and lands with a plop, facing me, a cynical expression fixed on the rip. I shuffle into his(?) face(?) and roar again, as if to show pleasure at being sorted into Gryffindor.

“Will thou stop roaring and make some speech?
After the brains she’s given you that ought to be a peach,”
the Sorting Hat sings again, in an accusatory tone.

“R-ROARR...ahem, yes, sorry. I’m not RO-used to using my words,” I spit, the human words tripping off my tongue awkwardly.

“I can if I like, now, I say, take a hike. Yes, leave my home you scoundrel, this is no place for an animal,” taunts the Sorting Hat in a sing-song voice.

“Oh, why must you R-rhyme?” I ask, good naturedlly. Yes, two can play at that game.

“I do it all the time!” it argues back irritability. I promise myself that I am not scared of this hat. It is merely a hat. I however am a full headwear complete with teeth and I have a beautiful tiara boyfriend. Ah Diadem, he is spectacular, he sparkles in the sunlight and will live forever. In short, he is supermegaawesomefoxyhot. I think if he ever left me I’d throw myself off a cliff. I sigh contently and another roar slips out. The Sorting Hat eyes me furiously.

I don’t know why he’s so angry, he has an alright girlfriend, the scarf of sexual preference. She’s average at best to be honest, what with her lesbian tendencies and garish colours, oh and she’s totally annoying as well. She totally labelled me as a necrophilic just because my Diadem’s been dead for like 117 years. Like, what ever. And oh my Merlin, she also said Diadem was gay! I know right?! Sparkles are manly.

The Hat stares me down for a bit and we sit there in silence, I break it.

“Look, we’re going to be here foROAR a while, until Luna roarmembers me, so we may as well try to get along,”

“That wouldn’t be the worst thing, you could listen to me sing,”

I gag a little, but there’s no stopping him.

“I’m practising for next year’s feast,
Listen up you ginger beast,
The founders four were an awesome bunch,
With feasts of RedVines and Monster Much,
Then Slytherin decided to bail,
Then the whole school began to fail.
Gryffindor saved the day,
That’s why he’s my favourite, hooray.
Ravenclaw is kind of tough,
And what the HELL is a Hufflepuff?”


Oh jesus, the Hat’s finally lost it. 

 




 *Disclaimer* Anything you recognise is the property of C.S Lewis, the Starkids, J.K. Rowling and perhaps even Twilight. Nothing is mine. 

A crazy spur of the moment, four-in-the-morning story, more chapters coming soon. Please review! <3

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