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Giving In: Needing Forgiveness

I promised myself. And yet, I couldn’t even hold true to my own wishes.

When I was at Hogwarts during that dreadful year, everything I did was for him. Out loud it was to join the war effort, to help in the defeat of Voldemort, and to save us from the Carrows. But in my heart it was always for Harry. To help him and to make what he was doing worthwhile.

Even so, I was still upset.

I had every right to be mad at him. He had broken up with me. Yes, he was trying to keep me safe, but what difference would it make to Voldemort if we were currently dating or had been in the past? Voldemort isn’t really one for specifics. If he wanted to use me against Harry, he would, whether or not we were officially together wouldn’t have made any difference.

I understand where Harry was coming from, but that doesn’t mean I agree with it. And he wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to tell him. I knew from the start that it would only be temporary, but that doesn’t mean it was right. From the start I knew I deserved an apology. And that was what I had to keep reminding myself.

When he left from the wedding I knew I might never see him again. I tried to not think about that. I kept reminding myself that I would see him, and when I did there would be hell to pay. There was no question of if he would return, but only of when he would.

Nothing would keep me from getting the apology I needed and deserved. Thinking this might have very well helped me keep sane, but it was important to me. He didn’t get to just pick up where he had left things, especially not after leaving without a trace.

I had my moments of weakness, times when all I wanted was to be back in his arms with or without an utterance of ‘sorry’. The worst was his birthday. I wasn’t planning on kissing him, or even giving him a friendly hug for that matter, but I had gotten him a present. It was completely innocent at first, I just wanted to give him his gift, but then when I realized how close we were for the first time in awhile I thought I needed him.

Once he left, with Ron and Hermione, I couldn’t decide whether I should regret or cherish that kiss. I felt as if I had let my heart get the better of me, but at the same time that could very well have been one of the last times I saw him.

But like I said, I concentrated on when I would see him, not if.

I still felt I deserved an apology when I arrived in the Room of Requirement and saw him for the first time in months. I did not rush to him or give him much thought. I focused on the beginnings of the battle at hand.

And when Fred was killed, another moment of weakness caught me but this time it was comfort I craved, not love. Again, I did not go to him. If he had come to me, my resolve would have broken, but he didn’t and he shouldn’t have. There was much more at stake at that point. Being with me, whether as a friend or more, was not his priority, and I did not want it to be.

When Hagrid came from the forest with Harry’s body in his arms, I regretted every single choice I had previously made. I felt selfish for wanting an apology and regretted not having one last moment with him. At some point I stopped thinking, I couldn’t handle it. I resorted screaming and crying and punching anything and anyone I could reach. I no longer felt anything. I was numb. I fought, with all my might, but not in attempt to save myself. I didn’t care if I died, as long as I took as many death eaters with me as possible.

And then it was as if it was all a dream. Harry was alive! But with that, my anger came back in full force. It was no longer just the fact that he had left me, but that he had played such a cruel trick. I needed to hear it from him; I craved that apology. It was all I could do to not break down again. I had to channel everything into rage. It was the safest emotion I had, the only useful one.

That night, after Harry defeated Voldemort, once and for all, I kept up my brave front and did not approach Harry. He disappeared soon after; according to Ron he was asleep peacefully for the first time in months. We all turned in sometime soon after.

When I awoke, I reminded myself of my promise. I knew Harry would seek me out today, but I planned to hold my ground. I walked into the common room and he was standing there in front of the fire.

All he had to do was open his arms to me and I lost every bit of strength I had. Everything that I had built up over the past year broke and I knew it was all lost. All my feelings of hurt and the need for an apology vanished. I only accepted his comfort and platonic friendship that day, but that was all I needed to realize that Harry was the most important thing in the world to me.

Author’s Note:
Thanks so much to Nymphie Tonks at the HPFF Forums for being a wonderfully helpful Beta! And also thanks to houlestar for the title! And of course to mangagirl for the wonderfully inspirational Summary Challenge! For once I didn’t have to deal with writing a summary, which was so nice!

Of course I want reviews, but I do hate to beg. So I’ll leave it at that!
:) BaletGir

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