The bitch moves fast.

Me and Al watched with our arms across our chest and our eyes narrowed dangerously as Rose bent down to help pick up Scorpius Malfoy’s books.

A passing seventh-year tilted his head to take a look up her skirt, and he got hit by a Stinging hex and a Bat-Bogey Curse.

He deserved that. Bastard.

“I’m really sorry for crashing into you like that,” Rose did one of her cute big grins. Al hissed out a couple of cuss words.

So what if we’re protective of our Rose, huh? She’s my cousin, and hell if I’m gonna let one of these prickheads take advantage of her. My Weasley. One of my women.

“No problem,” Malfoy replied.

Oi, keep your ruddy eyes on her face! My arms tightened across my chest. Merlin, what have I done? Me and Al are both going to have ulcers by the time this game is over.

“So…I’ll see you around?” Rose pushed some of her bright hair behind her ear. Malfoy’s eyes followed the movement.

…not much I can say to that. He’s only looking at her ear. Or her hand.

“Yeah…yeah, definitely.”



“So, I’ll just –”

“Oh – oh, yeah, me too…”

This has reached a whole new level of sickeningly pathetic.

“Wonderful!” I said loudly, marching forward and towing Rose away from the prat. I thought he was supposed to be a git, not some sort of polite…nice…person! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT.

“Yeah, now that we’re done with our nice deed of the day, let’s get to class, yeah?” Al agreed, putting his arm around her shoulder. She sent us both Death Glares – the trick is to not look at her face, and you’ll be okay.

Rose craned her neck over her shoulder. “Bye!”

I grabbed her face and pushed it back to the front.

She turned around to smirk at me. “Malfoy’s actually a decent kid! Those 100 galleons are mine.”

I don’t have 100 galleons, damnit! I have 10 galleons! And those are the ones I got off Al yesterday!

Bloody fuck, I have to win this.


“Hi, I’m Louis Weasley.”

Okay, so, probably not my best. But honestly, how the hell else am I supposed to start off with a conversation? I can’t knock over Target’s books like Rose did (the little whore), because I am much too classy to copy my cousin.

So, option 2: look like a complete jackarse, but somehow start up conversation anyway.

Like I said, not my best moment.

“Are you really.” Target seemed thoroughly uninterested in this riveting bit of information.


“Er…” I scratched the back of my head and looked around the Transfiguration classroom. Al and Rose were already sitting on one of the desks near the back of the classroom, Al staring at me like I was a bozo and Rose smirking at the blackboard.

Both of them are gits. I don’t know why I publicly associate myself with them.

“Yeah,” I finally said, turning back to…er…whatsherface – Aisha! Aisha Mc…no…it wasn’t a Mc. Damnit.

Wait! Aisha DiMarco! SCORE!

…I’m still calling her Target.

She still didn’t look up from her book. Oi – I’m pretty, look at my face when I’m talking to you.

“That’s simply wonderful. Did you need something?”

I feel like an idiot.

“Uh, yeah. I was, uh, wondering if I could sit here?”

She finally looked up at me

“Why are you talking to me?”

What the hell.

“Because I wanted to sit here,” more scratching of the neck, “and I was wondering if it was okay with you.”

She stared at me for another three minutes. Merlin, this is getting uncomfortable. Look, I’m not asking you to bleeding marry me, okay? I just want to sit at the goddamned seat next to you. Now make a decision woman, my legs are tired.

“Do you even know who I am?”


“Aisha DiMarco,” I said impatiently. “You’re in my year and you’ve been in my Transfiguration class since I was eleven. I’m not a complete arse, you know.”

(Stop thinking what you’re thinking, because I do not appreciate it.)

She laughed a bit. I don’t know what’s so bloody funny, but I’m not amused. “How many people did you have to ask?”

Just one, okay?!

I sighed. “None. Done with the interrogation now? Am I fit to be seated next to your Highness’ presence?”

She rolled her eyes and went back to her book.

I took that as the affirmative.

Even if it wasn’t, well…tough luck. My butt is planted here, and it’s not getting up until the class is over, I have to pee, or someone waves food in my face to bribe me away. Cheers!

“Why the sudden interest?”

I whipped my head around to look at her, surprised that she was actually addressing me (call me paranoid, but something told me she didn’t like me too much. I’m a perceptive one, I am).

I shrugged, hoping it looked nonchalant and chill. I like to come across as a chill person. Because I am a very chill person. And I rarely freak out or act like one of my sisters.



Shut up.

“The seat next to you was open,” I grinned.

She looked around the room with an obvious sweep of her eyes. There were at least eight other desks open.

Merlin’s mother, did she have to be a perceptive one? How come Rose didn’t pick me a nice, easy, leggy brunette?! Those are my favorite types. They’ve got the formula of “Cha-Ching, I’m Getting Laid Tonight!”: Busty Boobs, Big Butt, and Basically Brainless.

True stuff.

“Okay, fine.” Another grin. I wish you had a bigger rack and were prettier. “I just haven’t talked to you before I thought it’d be a nice outlet to do so.”

I received another disbelieving expression. I should’ve just knocked the chit’s books over.

“That’s the most half-arsed excuse I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, it’s all I’ve got,” I snapped. “Merlin, you try to make a friend and this is what happens.”

She looked at me for another three seconds.

“You already have friends,” she told me flatly.

“Do I really? Golly gee, what a shocker. I had no idea.”

I’ve always wanted to say “golly gee”. Win.

She grinned widely at that one, and I inched away a bit. Here’s a tip for all you men-folk out there: when any woman smiles at you like that, they either a) have something devious in mind, b) already did something nasty to you and you’re just about to find out, or c) are trying to seduce you.

This smile is definitely a point “a”.

Fuckity fuck.

“What?” I asked warily.

“I enjoyed your sarcasm,” she quipped.

Bloody hell, I’m going to kill Rose for sticking me with a mental-case.

“…thank you?”

“Students, quiet down!”

Mickey-Gee started off the class, and I quickly pulled out a parchment and scribbled an angry note to Rose.

Dear Bitchtittyface,

            I hate you.

I crumpled it up in a ball and chucked it at the back of Rose’s head. It bounced off of her skull and landed on her desk, and she turned around to glare at me. I stared innocently at the front of the classroom. Three seconds later, the note hit me on the nose.

…I guess I deserved that.

Dear Whiny-arse,


Love, Bitchtittyface.



It was right before dinner when it happened.

No, not the apocalypse. No, not even Minnie pole dancing for the school (though that would be an experience anyone would kill to witness. But I’d have to force-Obliviate myself afterwards because that is mentally scarring beyond words).

I realized that I’m going to win this thing.

“Get out of my way, Weasley.”

Whoa-ho, who dares bitch at me?

Me and Rose both turned around.

Rose looked shocked. I raised an eyebrow.


“You could just walk around us,” I pointed out coldly. Malfoy responded with a flat glare. One of his cronies sniggered like the facial expression was the most impressive thing he had ever seen.

Malfoy is such a git. I knew there was a reason I’d picked him out for Rose – the bloke’s impossible to change, that’s why. That whole thing in the morning was probably a ruse to…confuse us. Something evil, no doubt.

“We’re not moving, so unless you’d like to stand there looking like a half-arsed idiot, I suggest you stop being a prat and just walk the hell around us.” Rose smiled in her scary way. I inched away from her as discreetly as I could.

Yeah, so maybe I am afraid of my five-foot-four female cousin.

What? Got a problem?

Didn’t think so, bitch.

Malfoy let out a humorless scoff. “Don’t make me laugh.” Trust me, we’re not trying. “Just get out of my way. I don’t lower myself to walking around the likes of you.”

I pulled out my wand and shoved it in his face. “Say that again, Malfoy.”

Rose grabbed my arm in the next second. “Don’t!”

Malfoy smirked slowly at me. “You heard the bird, Weasley.”

Bloody fuck, I really hate this kid. Rose stiffened from next to me.

“Yeah, Louis. If you’re going to pick a fight with someone, at least fight with a bloke who has the balls to fight back a bit. Malfoy’s such a wuss he probably has one the size of his singular brain cell.”

I put my wand back in my pocket with a huge guffaw. Merlin, I bleeding love Rose.

Malfoy flushed red in anger and glared at Rose, who smirked back like the fantastic badarse she is. Still looking fit to kill, he stepped around us and hurried off with his cronies trailing after him. They turned around to shoot us a lovely hand gesture on his behalf. We retaliated quite happily.

“You,” I told Rose, swinging my arm around her teeny frame, “are my favorite cousin in this entire family.”

She hugged me back. “I know.”

Al hurried up to us right then. “Sorry for taking so long,” he huffed, bending over to put his hands on his knees. A couple of girls stopped to check out his arse. I smirked at them and wiggled my eyebrows, and they turned red and practically ran away.

Ah, third years. Your naïve horniness will never cease to amuse me.

“Great job attracting thirteen-year-olds, Albus,” I told him.

He stood up to look at me. “What?”

Rose stuffed her face in my shirt and laughed. I’ll never understand why she can’t just do it out loud. Her face in my stomach tickles like a motherfucker and if I start laughing along with her, I’ll just look like an idiot since it’ll seem like I’m laughing to myself like that creepy kid who sits in the back of the classroom and snogs his stuffed monkey.


Al rolled his eyes at the two of us. “You lot are like females with all of your embracing and giggling.”

“You’re just jealous of our cousin love,” I informed him haughtily.



Haters gonna hate.



After dinner, Al and Rose went out to do some Prefect crap, which left me by my lonesome with no one to irritate.

Luckily for me, I have a huge-arse family.

Today’s victim was Lily Potter.

She’s a fun person.

“I’m bored,” I whined for the umpteenth time as I continued to stare at Lily write her History of Magic essay. She offered to let me write some of it (how kind of her) but I figured staring at her write it was infinitely more interesting. I declined her tempting proposition.

“Go do something,” Lily snapped at me.

She’s always irritable when she’s doing HoM homework.

Or maybe she’s on her bitch week.

I asked her.

She flipped me off.

…I’m taking that as a yes.

“Do what?” I asked, just to see what she would say.

She sighed and threw her quill down, glaring at me through her brown eyes. “Don’t you have any homework to do?”

I smirked at her. “Well, dearest Lillian –”

“My name is Lily. Just Lily.”

“ – I, unlike you, am in my sixth year, and I, unlike you, do not have to take my OWLs, as I have already passed them with flying colors, so I, unlike you, don’t have any homework today.”

She sure likes that middle finger of hers.

“You Potters are all haters,” I huffed.

“Go find me a book,” Lily said, rolling her eyes.

“Okay! Which book?”

She glared at me. “I dunno. A book on Goblins or something. Just go.”

“It sounds to me like you’re just trying to get rid of –”

“Hey Lou, I have my period today. My left boob hurts like a bitch, and I’m so hormonal right now all I want to do is stuff my face with chocolates –”


Jeez. Thanks for scarring me for life.

I shuddered all the way to the bookshelves, and started browsing through them, pulling books about Goblins out at random. I’m sure Pincy will have my head for this. Whatever, I’m just making sure she’s not getting paid too much. Gotta do your job, Pincy darling. Earn your galleons.



I quickly hid my face behind a book featuring a goblin with a face like a potato. “Louis? Don’t know him, sorry. He sounds French. Maybe you should go to France.”

The Squealer pulled the book away from my face. I winced. It was Dom’s friend, the daft one whose name was not Sarah.

“You’re so silly,” she beamed.

I’m also not three.

I smiled weakly. “Yeah…”

“So,” she said chirpily, “what are you up to?”

I glanced down at the stack of books in my arms. Maybe it wasn’t obvious enough?

“I’m finding books about Goblins for Lily,” I said cautiously.

“You’re so cute!” She erupted.

Bloody hell, kill me.

“I have to…er…go…and, give these back to Lily.” I turned around and prepared to speedwalk the hell outta there.

“It’s Amanda.”

I turned around. “What?”

She smiled hugely again. “My name? It’s Amanda.”

I don’t recall asking her for her name. “Uh…that’s cool. Bye.” I turned around again.

“Hogsmeade is in three weeks,” she called after me as I took another couple steps.

Should I run for it? I think I should run for it.

I ditched all of the books except one and started running.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go with me!”

Bloody hell, she’s chasing me.

“Sorry,” I shot over my shoulder, “I have to feed my…nargles!”

nice. Dumbfuck.

“Can I see your nargles?!”

I turned the corner sharply and hid behind the bookshelf and she ran past me, looking like the most desperate human being on this planet.

I need to have a chat with Dominique about her creepy friends.

“Real smooth there, charmer.”

“Fuck!” I whirled around and raised the goblin book like I was going to beat someone up with it (which I’m pretty sure Pince would castrate me for). But Target was standing in front me, looking mightily amused. I groaned and threw my head against the bookshelf. Fantastic.

“Didn’t mean to scare you.” She smirked.

“I wasn’t scared,” I protested, pulling my head off the bookshelf and looking down at her. Merlin, she sure is tiny.

She gave me a look that clearly begged to differ.

“You just…surprised me,” I corrected lamely.

“And you tried to kill me with a goblin textbook.” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, well…” I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly.

“Is this how you impress all the girls?” She continued, looking at me as though I was a new specimen of ‘mildly amusing puppy.’

I smirked at that one. “Nope.” I popped the ‘p’ and pushed off the bookshelf with my foot. She raised her head to look me right in the face as I towered closer to her instead of stepping back away from me. Damn, a fighter – I like that.

“I show them my nargles,” I said quietly to her. I winked and she scoffed, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms across her chest.

She wants me.

“Catch ya later!” I called, walking backwards so I could see her.

“Don’t count on it!”

I gave her another smirk and a two fingered salute, then stuffed my free hand in my pocket and strutted away.

I’m practically made of cool.

Try not to be too jealous.

SPREE TIME :D so, i changed my mind about how many chapters i'm gonna get out. i just finished writing chapter nine yesterday -- signalling the end of part 1 of Pretty Boy -- so i'm just gonna go ahead and spree the entire part one of this story ^_^

lemme know what you think in a review! 

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