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 Testosterone must have been invented to torture women. Because when they thought a girl was good looking, boy did they show it. Take right now for instance. We’ve just had a very hard, very impressive Quidditch practice session. So what does our delightful captain, Mr Harry Potter himself do? Take his girlfriend up to his dorm for a quick shag to release all that pent up energy. Now before you ask, no I didn’t go and watch to ensure they actually were. But the breathless, tousled look the pair had when they got back down suggested they’d been at it like rabbits. Now I’m not exactly a stickler, I’d have sex if it was with the right guy (if there is one, most of them are jerks) but the fact that Harry got horny and was able to bed Ginny there and then says huge amounts about why guys should come with built in collars and leads. Not that Ginny would agree, if her messy hair and exhausted grin are anything to go by.

“They’re at it again,” Neville murmured to me as we sat on the sofa in the common room.

“Tell me about it,” I replied, flicking the page of my Quidditch weekly magazine. “Oh look, Victor Krum’s been voted sexiest Quidditch player ever, again! Find someone else to talk about, for merlin’s sake!”

“Krum’s hot!” Zara protested. I rolled my eyes. “He is! I would kill to have a shot at that. And to think Hermione dropped him for Ron!”

“That’s looking like a pretty bad decision now,” Kate muttered and I grinned despite myself. It had been several days since their breakup and neither of them were speaking to the other. Hermione had taken to embedding herself in her studies, whilst Ron drove Harry and Dean insane with talk of everything but, well, Hermione.

“I wish they’d just go back out,” Neville interjected sadly. “They were such a cute couple.”

“Cute’s one word,” I snorted, hurling my magazine into the fire.

“You should try your luck with Ron,” Kate said to me. I shot her an evil look.

“Why? I’ve not even been at Hogwarts that long at all and the last time I thought hooking up with a guy was a good idea I got detention and ended up looking more like a plum than anything else. I fucking hate purple and I hate Peeves.”

I had gotten into the bad habit of swearing every time someone brought up that evening. Zara took over.

“You should give Ron a chance, he’s a nice guy and Hermione was never going to be good enough for him. He’s a guy, they only care about lookers.”

“And I’m…a looker?” I raised an eyebrow. “Neville?”

Neville went bright red and muttered something about pretty. I rolled my eyes. He may have been my closest male friend but he was fucking useless when it came to my appearance.

“You are hot!” Zara replied. “Your tits are about twice the size of Hermione’s and you’ve got great legs too.”

“Guys, can we not talk about my breasts!” I asked, blushing almost as bad as Neville, as Kate giggled.

“No, continue, we were very much enjoying that conversation,” Ron interrupted, him and Dean leaning over the sofa behind me. Ron was grinning at me but Dean’s eyes were lingering over to the other side of the fireplace, where Zara and Kate were sitting.

“Ronald Weasley!” I snapped, pushing his face away playfully. Ron and Dean laughed. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Harry and Ginny head back upstairs. Kate caught my eye and winked.

“So gentlemen, did you come to talk about tits or do you have any more meaningful conversation?” I asked, a teasing look slipping onto my face.

“What could be more meaningful?” Dean asked, winking at Kate who went crimson. My eyes glued themselves to her in alarm. Was she blushing at Dean? Oh hell.

“Don’t answer that,” Ron said, vaulting the sofa and slipping in between me and Neville. Neville groaned and Ron winked at him.

“I’m going to bed, night girls,” Neville groaned.

In hindsight, I probably should have remembered what was going on in Neville’s dorm but it had slipped my mind. That or I was feeling cruel. Lucy 1, Testosterone 0.

“So Lucy, are you going to introduce me to your friends?” Ron asked, grinning sheepishly at Kate and Zara, who were a mixture of awkward and gigglish. Please for the love of God girls, don’t fucking swoon over him.

“This is Kate and Zara, they’re in Ginny’s year,” I said, earning daggers from my new best friends.

“Is that the only introduction we get? How about beater extraordinaire?” Zara quizzed.

“Yeah, you two have mad beating skills,” Dean interjected, still resting on the sofa behind my head. “Shame I didn’t make the team this year.”

“The chaser crop was just too fine this year Dean,” I grinned, enjoying my victory. “It’s just a shame that you and Harry are the only males on the team Ron, I wanted some decent eye-candy in the dressing room, and all we get is you and my cousin.”

Ron went red. Lucy 2, Testosterone 0.

“If you want decent eye-candy, you should’ve let me in the team,” Dean winked. Kate swooned. Fuck. Lucy 2, Testosterone 1.

“Kate, could I have a quick word?” I asked sharply, ignoring the spluttering Ron at my side. I would enjoy that later.


I practically dragged Kate away from the sofas and rounded on her as she stood, sheepish and embarrassed.

“What the hell are you doing?” I hissed. “That’s Dean Thomas! He’s not even worth a second glance, let alone a mother-fucking swoon.”

“Sorry Lucy,” Kate replied weakly (obviously after the fucking swoon). “He’s really good-looking you know?”

“He’s not that good looking! Besides, he’s shit on dates!” I groaned exasperatedly.

“Yeah, I know,” Kate hung her head. “I’m not going to date him Lucy, I’m not. I won’t subject myself to that. But if I ever get really horny and he’s there…”

Oh for fuck’s sake Kate. Don’t go all fucking Ginny on me. Lucy 2, Testosterone 2. Just for that sentence. Well done Kate.

“Just go sit down and try not to faint,” I grimaced, turning to follow her when a hand grabbed my arm out of the dark. I winced as sharp nails dug into me. Hermione stepped out of the shadows, tearful and livid.

“How’s Ron? I hope you’re enjoying him!” she snarled. I shoved her off and made for the main part of the common room, where people would see us. Hermione muttered a spell and my legs locked. I hit the floor and rolled over to face her, furiously scrambling for my wand.

“I don’t like him Hermione, what do you want me to do? Shrink my own breasts so your boyfriend will love you more?” I yelled, finally removing my wand from my trousers, only for Hermione to disarm me. My shouting had attracted the attention of the common room. Zara and Kate were already on their feet, but couldn’t break through the crowd that was forming around us.

“I don’t know what you did to him, but you ruined our relationship!” Hermione screeched. Boy she sounded desperate and I shouldn’t have goaded her. But I was pissed off and sick of everyone acting like this was my fault.

“Oh please!” I retorted. “It’s hardly my fault you aren’t getting any. If you’re that desperate, Dean over there’s flirting with anything that moves.”

Okay, that was stupid. That not only pissed off both Hermione and Dean, but the looks I was getting from Kate told me that she didn’t take too kindly to being referred to as “anything that moves”. Dean was shuffling towards the exit. Good for him, he screwed me over. Hermione fired stunning jinxes, but I twisted left and right to avoid them. Someone (I assume Ron) broke the leg-locking jinx and I barrelled into Hermione, who raked her nails across my cheek. That hurt. Like a bitch. So I kicked the bitch. Hermione rolled back and the crowd cheered. They hadn’t seen a good cat-fight in ages. I was not going to oblige. I stood up, picked up my wand and walked away, turning back only to Petrificus Totalus Hermione when she lunged at me. I broke through the crowd to see Ron, Kate and Zara looking at me. I shot them apologetic looks.

“I’m sorry Kate, that was out of order,” I said. Kate shrugged and smiled despite herself.

“Dean deserved that. I know you’re just looking out for me. Come on Zara, I need sleep.”

The two girls headed up and Hermione was still struggling to break the hold whilst the crowd had dispersed. Ron and I had a brief moment of harmony.

“I’m sorry about her, she’s just jealous because I’d rather go out with you than her,” Ron said calmly. I swore internally.

“Ron, don’t say things like that, I don’t feel that way about you,” I groaned. It was true. I liked Ron, don’t get me wrong. But I didn’t get the urge to rip his top off every time I saw him. He nodded sadly. Lucy 3, Testosterone 2.

“Sorry Lucy,” Ron said quietly. At that moment, the tension was broken by a loud screaming as Neville tore down the dorm stairs. He crashed into the common room, his face nothing short of traumatised as he hurtled over to me, nearly knocking me off my feet before Ron steadied me. I tried hard not to laugh at poor Neville, knowing exactly what had caused his state.

“Lucy!” he panted. “Harry…Ginny…”

“Yes, I know, living in sin, isn’t it awful?” I giggled, trying desperately hard to contain my laughter.

“On my bed Lucy. On my bed!”

Okay, that was it. Here come the waterworks. I burst out laughing, unable to stop. If it weren’t for Ron steadying me, I’d have hit the floor I was laughing so hard. On Neville’s bed of all places! Neville looked horror-struck as I managed to stop laughing. Lucy 1,000,000, Testosterone 2.

“I’m sorry Neville, but that’s fucking hilarious!” I laughed.

“Thanks Lucy,” he sulked.

“You think you got it bad? Hermione just went psycho on me!” I said, making wild hand gestures. Ron and Neville’s faces went pale. I spun on the spot and Hermione was standing behind me, her face murderous. I reached for my wand but she was quicker and disarmed me. I flinched as she opened her mouth.

“Stupefy!”

The call came from behind me and blasted Hermione off her feet, causing her to drop both wands, which I quickly scooped up and turned to my saviour. I had thoroughly expected it to be Ron or Neville, but then I suppose it’s not surprising that it wasn’t, neither of them would have had the guts to stun Hermione. I half-expected it to be Zara or Kate but they were safely up in bed, oblivious to the current scenario. Hell, it might’ve even been a show of chivalry from Dean that was long overdue.

But nope, instead, I turned to see Harry Potter, wand raised, looking as fearsome as the day he defeated Voldemort. Okay, so not THAT fierce but he was pretty damn scary. And he had just stunned Hermione. I didn’t think I would ever see the day. Nor did anyone else for that matter. The whole room was in shock, including Ron and Neville, who were as gormless as Crabbe and Goyle (back before, you know). Ginny was stood right behind Harry. She’d been desperately trying to button up her shirt and smooth out her hair so people wouldn’t notice (failed miserably Ginny, I can see that bra) but now she was frozen. Not that anyone cared about them anymore. Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley sneaking away to shag was old news. Harry Potter stunning his best friend over a girl (admittedly his cousin) he’d just met was something new. And believe me, I was as surprised as everyone else. Maybe he’d been worried about the health of his chaser (yeah right) or maybe he’d gone with the whole blood is thicker than water thing. Whatever the case, he’d just saved my arse. I guess I owe testosterone one. I opened my mouth but he shook his head and gestured for me to follow.

“Let’s take a walk Lucy, that’d be good.”

I stepped over Hermione’s unconscious body and, aware that everyone was staring, followed Harry out the common room…

A/N: Well, who saw that coming? It's fair to say Hermione is definitely out of control and her characterisation on my part is a bit negative but that's how i percieve her being, at least from Lucy's POV, obviously she's torn up inside. Leave a review please guys :) HP

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