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Two icy hands gripped my arms tightly as I was carted half consciously off to Azkaban. I didn't fully come around until the salty sea air filled my lungs. I glanced around, noticing my fellow death eaters escorted by two dementors, just as I. As hopeless as we all were, they still had their pride. Most fought against The Order and lost to trained duelists. Some, like me lost to 14 and 15 year old want to be-heroes. However, I was the only one brought down by that filthy mudblood, Granger.

The closer we came to the prison,the more surreal it all felt. I felt myself clinging to the last happy memories in my life as they sealed the lock on my cell. I felt my strength slowly leaking from my soul as those weaker than me screamed for mercy. The cell beside me slammed shut when a smooth icy voice called out, "I am a highly respectable Ministry Official.I am a member of one of the longest pureblood lines out there, you can't leave me out here!" Lucius Malfoy's voice started out calm and controlled, but ended as a plea like everyone else before him. I would not show weakness. Not again.

It was my turn to show them all I was strong. Dread was taking its toll on me as I leaned against the wall. Not a happy thought could cut its way through the always thickening hopelessness. I could clearly remember the first time I felt this hopeless and tried to be strong.

Crabbe,Headmaster Dumbledore would like to see you in his office,”Professor Slughorn said to me one day before potions in my firstyear. I quickly gathered my things and rushed out. A day without the ridicule of my classmates was far more inviting than potions.

I quickly climbed the stairs two at a time wondering why, of all people, the Headmaster would want to see me. Before I knew it I foundmyself outside Dumbledore’s office. I drew in a long breath,promising myself no matter what happened, I would show no weakness.

Ah,Mr. Crabbe. How are you?” Headmaster asked gravely.

Fine,”I replied emotionless.

Why don’t you sit down?” he asked me as I stiffly took the seat infront of his desk.

I don’t mean to be rude, sir, but I really should be in potions,” I said a lot more harsh then intended.

Please,Vincent, I was given some terrible news,” my mind was racing as the headmaster paused, “The Ministry has confirmed that your mother passed away last night.”

I felt a sudden tightness in my throat. “Am I allowed to go home?”

For as long as you need too,” he replied sympathetically.

I’ll be back in two weeks,” I said as a tear slowly rolled down my 11year old cheek.

Don’t you want to spent time with your father?”

It’s his fault she's dead. He is weak, and doesn’t bloody give a @#!*% !” I spat, unable to control my anger any longer.

Vincent,I understand you are hurting from your loss, but you can’t honestly believe this is your father’s fault.” Dumbledore asked in a slight air of shock.

I know it is, Sir. She has been sick since before I left school. He never took care of her, it was always me. Coming to Hogwarts was thebiggest mistake of my life.” I quickly left shaking with rage anddespair.

I was blundering threw the halls looking for a place to hide my weakness when, CRASH!

Be careful, Crabbe,” Daisy Thornton said, obviously upset I just knocked her to the ground. I just sat there, on the cold stone floor,in absolute shock. My mother. . . Gone. . . “Crabbe? Vincent? Are you okay?”

“No, Daisy, I’m not okay,” I whispered to myself, sinking to the dirtycell floor. “I will never be okay.”

The screams around me began to cease with time as dread took its toll. Every now and again, an Auror would take rounds checking in on us with two dementors on each side and his patronous close by his side.I quickly learned that if I sat really close to the front wall and fought to only think of happy thoughts, I could feel the warmth of the charm.

For that fleeting moment three times a daywhen he brought my meals to me, I could feel hope. I longed for that millisecond of hope everyday as poisonous thoughts intoxicated my mind. Not a day goes by that I’m not suffocated by the memories ofmy weakness, my failures, my misery.

Ah,Crabbe, I see that you finally dropped that filthy little mudblood,”Lucius Malfoy sneered blocking my path on the train.

What do you want, Malfoy?” I growled. Term hasn’t even started yet,and I was not in the mood to be ridiculed.

You better watch yourself, Crabbe,” Malfoy threatened, stepping closer.“I’m Prefect now.”

Vincent, I’ve been looking all over for you,” Daisy said, stopping abruptly when noticing who I was with, “Come on,” she said,pulling at my robe.

Yes,Vincent,” Malfoy said, smirking, “you wouldn’t want to keep your mudblood waiting.”

Before finally leaving I sent one last glare his direction before taking off down the hall dragging Daisy behind me.

Why do you let him walk all over you like that?” Daisy huffed once we found an empty compartment.

I will be much more powerful than him someday. Lucius, and everyoneelse who has ever treated me like scrum, they will pay.”

What...what do you mean?” Daisy asked in a small, frightened voice.

The Dark Lord has powers far beyond his bloody prefect badge,” I said fixing my gaze at the distant mountains out the window.

Daisy choked; a noise sounding like a gasp strangled with a whimper. I chanced a glance her way and wished I hadn’t, as I saw tears streaming her face. “Do you know what he does to people like me?”

I reached over taking her small delicate hands in mine. “I won’t let him hurt you.”

How can you stop him?” she demanded, her voice close to hysterics.

Because I’m not weak.”

“I’m not weak Daisy!” I screamed out as perfectly imagined silhouette vanished. A week in Azkaban and the dark damp cell was beginning to drive me mad. The bitter cold was eating away at my sanity, and everynight, one of two impossible things stood outside taunting me.

Last night was Daisy. Standing very stilljust as perfect as the day we graduated. I sat banging my headagainst the wall screaming against her voice, reminding me that I wasweak, powerless, and above all a failure.I sat, sobbing and thumping me head at the wall. “YOUR NOT REAL!”I would shriek, desperately wishing The Dark Lord himself would finish me off personally. “Daisy, I’m sorry...” I breathed,slipping into unconsciousness from excessive blows to the head.

Master,please,” I said on my knees before the Dark Lord, “She’s dying,there must be something you can do.”

A smooth menacing voice spoke. “You kneel before me, Crabbe, begging to save the life of a mere infant.”

Yes, my lord.” My voice came in a scared miserable whisper.

She has a brother, am I correct. Twins?”

Yes,”I said looking up into his red slits for eyes.

Don’t you find it selfish to beg for her life when one stands alone perfectly fine?”

M-my Lord?”

There is nothing I can do Crabbe.” The Dark Lord smiled as anguish flooded my face. Quickly I departed and made my way back to the hospital.

I’m sorry, Mr. Crabbe, there was nothing we could do,” A nurse said quietly as I walked into my wife’s room. Charlotte, my dear wife lay in bed sleeping soundly. My son, my new born son, in a cradle beside her.

My wife stood before me holding the limp body of a baby girl. “You didn’t save her, Vincent! You failed me! YOU KILLED MY BABY GIRL!” She was screaming at me, tears of anger flooding her translucent cheeks.

“No,Charlotte - I didn’t-” I choked from the damp floor of my cell.“Charlotte, I love you, please, I tried!”

“How could you love me?! You don’t love me, you don’t love your son,your even glad your daughter is dead,” she spat at me venomously from the hall. I sat in my cell like caged animal crying and screaming in agonising loss. “Did you think I never heard you atnight? Calling out that filthy mudbloods name in your sleep!”

I was sobbing now, crawling to the cell door as I hoisted myself to my knees withthe bars. “Charlotte, no it’s not like that! You’re all that I want! Please, The Dark Lord will save me!! I’ll show you I love you!”

“Daisy died because of The Dark Lord. He knows your loyalties left him ages ago.You will rot in Azkaban as the weak man you have always been.”Charlotte hissed, slowly evaporating into the air.

I fell to the ground, feeling like I would never make it out alive. I am loyal. I’m here in Azkaban because I am loyal.

Crabbe, you have asked so much of me recently and given nothing in return,”The Dark Lord said sinisterly, “Now is your chance to redeem yourself.”

I walked forward against my will and found myself face to face with the Dark Lord. Malfoy and Goyle brought in a woman, badly bruised, and threw her at my feet, smirking. The once beautiful face of the girl I loved looked up at me with as much hate and loathing she could muster. My entire body went numb as my blood froze in its veins. I suddenly felt incredibly nauseous trying to avoiding her eyes.

I see you and the mudblood Thornton seem to already be acquainted,” The Dark Lord said with glee, “you see, she seems to be personal friends with the Potters I long to visit so badly. It is your job Crabbe, to see what she knows.”

My face was void of emotion as I reached for my wand. This was a do or die situation fuelled by prejudice and old school loathing. “Where are the Potters?” I said with a voice of authority as I pointed mywand straight at her chest.

Idon’t know,” she said holding her hard gaze on mine as I sentwaves of pain through her body. Her screams echoed around the room aslaughter followed, mingling in my ears.

I pulled up and asked again. “Where are the Potters?” My voice cameas a low growl trying to mask the pain.

I don’t know,” Daisy said not as strongly as before. Knowing what was to come she braced herself as her eyes pleaded for mercy. I to braced myself for what was necessary,and blocked out her screams.Instead I pictured her perfect bright blue eyes swimming with tears on graduation. I could hear her whisper softly “Don’t leave me Vincent, please.” As I walked away seeing her for the last time until now.

I pulled the crucio away and saw her frail body laying limp on the ground. As I fought back tears she lifted her head just enough for me, and me alone to see. Voldemort pulled out his wand and illuminated the room in a flash of green light. The words she mouthed played over and over in my mind, “I still love you, Vincent.”

“I killed her,” I whispered, shaking uncontrollably, “I KILLED HER!”I quickly sprang to my feet, pacing the room, shaking. I ran my hand through my thick dirty hair, attempting to calm myself, all the while muttering over and over, “I killed her.”

The last bond to my sanity snapped as my hands clutched the frozen bars of my cell door.I rattled the bars over and over, screaming until my voice was no more than a rasp. I couldn’t take it anymore. As the Auror took his rounds with the dementors, I lost it. “KILL ME!” I screamed as the dementors glided my way. “Kill me,” I pleaded as I felt my soul be eaten away.

I don’t deserve to live. I was weak. I killed my first love. I never loved Charlotte like I should have. My only daughter was dead because I couldn’t save her. My son, he was following in my footsteps because of me. I deserved to die.

As the last of my soul departed from my body, my last thought was that my soul left long ago.

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