I do not own this, nor the bit about when James first met Sirius. That was JKR. From Deathly Hallows, Page 538-539 UK edition.
A/N So here I am again hoping that just one sole person was reading my story after I was such a bad updater. It gets a lot tougher from here on out, sorry.
I am half done with the next chapter, so expect that following shortly. Thanks for reading.
A week passed in quick succession and no progress was made with James. He was no nearer to remembering anything than he had been. There had been no more slight flashes (not that he would have told anyone if there was) and he was getting increasingly frustrated at having no recollection what so ever. People kept saying things to him that meant nothing and it hurt.
Many girls approached him, especially that Claire one, asking all sorts of things about if he remembered them and their ‘experiences’. From what Remus and the others had told him, he had not shared ‘experiences’ with most of those girls and they were just trying to take advantage of him.
But what hurt the most was the looks he caught Lily giving him when she thought he wasn’t looking. It was almost disappointment. Disappointment at the fact that he had yet to remember.
He was trying dammit. So hard, but nothing seemed to work. And to make matters worse his supposed best friend was never around to help. He needed Sirius’ infamous (or so he had heard) light hearted attitude to keep him going when things got tough. But all that boy seemed good for was getting himself into detention.
How he managed to get himself in detention when they had no lessons was beyond him. Only Peter had been asked to attend lessons due to his previous bad marks. Sirius on the other hand had not been in lessons for the past week.
Originally James had thought he was imagining Sirius ignoring him, and that it was just that there we’re so many other people around him all the time. But now it was plain to see Sirius was never on his own with James, if there ever was a chance for him to be, he would make excuses and go somewhere else.
On one occasion Sirius had actually used the library as a means to escape James. James would not have noticed anything odd about this, had the others not exploded with questions like; “Do you even know where the Library is?” But apparently he did.
Sirius would constant be bringing up new photos or ask other people to ask about certain memories, but it would never be personal one to one time that James had a strange longing for.
“James, are you having trouble there? I can help you if you want?” Alice cut in to James thoughts, and he suddenly noticed he had been staring off into space lost in thought for some time.
Just because they had been let off lessons did not mean that they had been let off having to catch up with the work. At the present moment the group, barr Sirius of course, were gathered in the library attempting to tackle the mound of work that they had been set. They had been in the library all evening and it was now getting late.
James looked up from his Potions essay, “Oh… no. I’m fine, I’m just not sure on some of the ingredience. I’ll just go check it out” Not wanting to be sat there any longer he jumped up and disappeared behind the bookshelves, not really looking for a book, but just for an escape. But he could not escape the feeling of Alice’s concern eyes still on him.
He wandered aimlessly behind the bookshelves just pretending to look busy. He stopped at a bookshelf two from where the gang were sat.
“Okay this is ridiculous! Work was never this hard when we were actually in class you know!” James heard Marlene suddenly burst out along with the sound of her throwing her quill across the table and onto the floor.
He slowed slightly listening in. It was not his fault, he was just curious by nature.
“But, Marlene we are missing tons of lessons so it is go-“
“Don’t you dare go and say that it is good we are getting all this work” Marlene growled cutting Lily off mid-sentence. James could imagine Lily just shooting her a dirty look for that. James still did not remember Lily from further forward than last week, but he did know one thing.
Do not, under any circumstances cross Lily Evans. Unless of course you have a death wish.
“Plus… McGonagall’s dropping round today’s work this evening.” Remus dropped in, his voice slightly unsure, as if he were worried that Marlene might jump across the table and bit his head off.
James could see how one might fear that. Marlene was defiantly a feisty one.
“More work!?” That was Alice. She had evidently forgotten about James now and was engrossed in the conversation. “How much do they want to give us?”
“Alice, moaning about work, well, I never thought I would see the day!” Said Marlene; a smirk evident thorough the tone of her words.
“Well, it is getting a little silly now!” Alice reasoned obviously trying to keep her reputation as a silent hard worker.
“I can see how it would be … overwhelming…” At that voice Marlene feinted a sharp gasp.
“Lily. Evans. Oh my word. That’s worse than Alice moaning!” Marlene commented, laughter in her voice. “Now the apocalypse is truly coming.”
“But then again, it is our NEWT year, and we are missing an awful lot of lessons.” She noted.
“Oh… there she is… Lilys back” said Marlene.
There was silence for a few moments, and the occasionally scratching of quills. Then Peter spoke up for the first time.
“Well, you could come back to lessons with me” He said in a quiet voice as if bracing himself for the attack of ‘no’s’. But there was just silence again.
“Well, that is a possibility with lessons and all…” Remus said breaking the silence, and from the murmer of agreement he was speak what the others were thinking.
“No, don’t be silly. What about James?” Lily voiced James own thoughts. Were they going to give up on him? He supposed they could work in the evenings, but how tired would they be, and with all the extracurricular and homework, they would barely have time, along with the fact that Professor Dumbledore had informed James that he was to start patrolling again and taking up his head boy duties the following week.
“We have tried Lily…” Alice said gently.
“What do you mean tried?!” Lily was getting fired up. If they wanted to be saved much pain, they should just back down now James was sure. Fighting Lily was never a good course to choose.
“Shhh, keep your voice down…” Alice reasoned, “We don’t want to upset James.” She said the last bit so quietly that James had to strain his ears to hear it.
He heard the scraping of a chair as someone stood up, no doubt to see if James was anywhere near. James pressed himself flat against the dark back wall out of sight.
“I can’t see him” Came Remus voice as he sat back down. James leant forwards slightly. What were they going to say that they needed to keep from James so much?
“Just… just consider it Li-“ Marlene began in a soft voice.
“No I will not!” Lily cut across in a furious whisper. James moved closer to the bookshelf to hear. “I can’t believe you are even considering it!” James felt such a rush of gratitude toward her. He had, in essence, known her a week, but she obviously cared about him for the amount she was willing to do for him.
“Lily” Remus said in a soothing tone, “It has been a week, and Madame Brown said that the first few hours were critical, if there has been no sign at all, then maybe …” He trailed off leaving the last bit. He did not need to expand, everyone knew what he meant.
It had been a week, if there was no improvement yet, then there wouldn’t be none. But what they didn’t know what that James had remembered. But he had not told them.
He had his reasons for not telling them. Lily in particular. She was the one the memory seemed to focus around, yet she seemed disinclined to share any memories from the past that concerned them two together.
There must have been a reason for her to not want to tell him. And until she admitted to him that there had been something between them, he was going to keep it to himself.
“So you are saying… give up?” Lily said in a low tone.
“No, not give up exactly… but try and get back to normality, there is only so much we can help” Alice said kindly.
“I will not lose him!” Lily hiss furiously, “I can’t, okay? I will not give up, and neither will you. I’d hope it you think about where your loyalties lie next time; with the school examination boards or your best friend?” And with that James heard the shuffling of paper and the distinct sound of Lily getting up and storming out the library.
“I… I guess we didn’t think about that...” Remus said quietly. There was a bang as the library doors slammed shut after Lily.
“Does this make us bad friends? I want to help, I just... It’s not working.” Peter said in the same hushed tone, his voice dripping with disappointment at himself.
“No, you are right. It is hard. We have been trying.” Alice re-assured, not only Peter but the rest of the group. It went silent, and there was not even the scratching on parchment to break it slightly.
James stood there in the silence. They were right, it had been a whole week. And nothing. He hadn’t even had anymore flashes. It was pathetic. He was weak. He wasn’t trying hard enough. No matter how much he willed it, nothing came.
The stories they told him were like a strangers life. The pictures they showed him only gave a pang of recognition because of the empirical evidence of him being there. He remembered none of it.
He was still himself. He could play Quidditch as well as ever, but could not remember being made captain in fifth year. He was the top in Transfiguration, but could not remember learning everything that got him there. He just knew it.
Deciding the silence had gone on long enough James grabbed a random book from the shelf and loudly made his way back. At his entrance everyone jumped up and plastered on fake smiles.
“Where Evans go?” James asked indicating with his head her empty spot. The group looked around nervously at each other.
“She said she concentrates better in her common room...” Peter supplied easily. The others nodded going along with the story.
James pretended to soak it in. “Well, I was going to head back anyway” He said keeping a straight face. He packed up his things and swept out ignoring the eyes following him.
On the way back to the Heads Dorm he could help but let the worlds that his friends had said get to him. The more and more he thought about it the worse he felt for the pressure he was putting on them.
Obviously it was effecting them more that they let on. They were all smiles and happy to help, but behind closed dorms they were discussing his progress, or lack of it.
He was so deep in thought that he didn’t even see the person in front of them until they knocked the books out of his hands.
“Watch it- Oh, hey” Came the very recognisable voice, “Back from the library, I better go and see if the others need help” And without even looking James in the eye Sirius hurried past him in the direction James had just come.
“Amnesia is not contagious Sirius!” James yelled out at Sirius’ retreating figure. He froze on the spot and turned to face James, a confused look on his face.
“You heard me. What are you scared of? Spend too much time with me and you will end up like your old pal James with no memory?” James seethed angrily. He didn’t know where the anger had come from so suddenly. It was like he was suddenly furious at the boy stood in front of him.
“No mate, I don’t know what you are talking about!” Sirius lied trying to look as innocent as possible.
“What am I talking about? How about the fact that you can’t seem to spend more than 5 minutes around me? Or that you avoid catching my eye when you are supposed to be MY BEST FRIEND.”
“I’ve been busy James. Alright, I can’t be at your beck and call like everyone else!” Sirius started to fight back. “You may not have noticed, what with all the attention you are getting but I have been trying to help you! I found most of the photos! I went to the freaking library for you!”
“Just so you wouldn’t have to spend time with me! A few pictures?! Great. Fantastic. It’s a shame I can’t remember what happens in the picture because YOU aren’t there to TELL ME!”
Sirius looked awkwardly at the ground, and them behind him, deciding it was not worth arguing with James over, “Look, I don’t really want to do this now. I said I would meet Marlene in 10 minutes” He glanced over his shoulder again showing he would rather be anywhere but there.
“So there you are. Leaving again. Why is it so hard for you to be around me?!” James shouted.
“BECAUSE YOU AREN’T WHO YOU WERE BEFORE! THAT’S WHY!” Sirius suddenly exploded his face contort with anger, “YOU AREN’T MY BEST FRIEND.”
James felt a knife stab through his heart and from that knife spread an ice cold feeling throughout his body. But the look of anger on Sirius face turned that ice cold feeling to fire burning him from the inside.
“I’M SORRY SIRIUS. IS IT HARD FOR YOU? OH GOSH, HOW HARD YOUR LIFE MUST BE. WHAT ABOUT ME? I AM A WALKING DISASTER, SO BAD THAT MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND DOESN'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME!” James bellowed back, breathing heavily. He was seconds away from grabbing his wand and cursing Sirius with all he had. This boy was not his best friend.
“YES IT IS HARD. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH WITH YOU, I CAN’T STAND YOU BE AROUND YOU BECASUE YOU AREN’T YOU.” Sirius stepped forward, his hand going into his pockets, the same thoughts as James had were obviously running through his head. Why would it matter if he cursed James? This boy was not James. It was an imposter.
“What about friends forever, Padfoot?! What happened to that?!” The moment he said it James knew something was off.
Sirius hand dropped from his pocket and his face became suddenly blank, “Wh-What did you call me?” He stepped closer again a glimmer of hope shining in his eye. “You called me Padfoot, and only 4 people know about that name. One of them being you...”
“I do- I don’t know why I said that Sirius, it just blurted out- argggghh” James’ speech was cut off by a piercing pain across his forehead. He dropped to his knees and clutched his head in pain. It was like someone was placing a white hot poker on his head.
“James?” Sirius rushed over, snapping out of his trance. “Are you remembering?” He could not help but seem excited by the prospect even whilst James was in such agony. James’ vision blurred and another image took over replacing the corridor and Sirius worried face.
“Now remember, behave, try your hardest, and try not to get in trouble!” James mother was scolding as she fussed over his uniform before sending him off to board the train for the first time. She neatened his hair and kissed him on the cheek.
“Erg mum! I got it okay. You are going to miss me.” Young James pushed away from his mother, messed up his hair again and wiped the remains of his mothers lipstick of his cheek. He looked over his mothers should and saw another boy, evidently going to Hogwarts for the first time judging by his neatly pressed uniform, void of a house symbol.
This boy was haughtily handsome with casual messy hair and a look of arrogance about him. His mother and father were strict looking people and that were most defiantly nowhere near giving the affectionate display James mother was.
The haughty looking boy nodded to his mother and father, who nodded back, then picked up his trunk and moved towards the train.
Young James looked back to his parents. His father, very similar in looks, looked down on him with a twinkle in his eye, “Make mayhem for them son” He smiled ruffling Young James’ hair while Young James’ mother looked on in mock anger.
“Harold!” She scolded.
“Sorry Mary, but still, try your best... Gryffindor if you can” He added with a wink.
Young James nodded proudly and with one last wave turned for the train. He heard his mother utter a sob behind him. She may be sad, but he couldn’t be more excited. He was finally off to Hogwarts.
Lugging his trunk onto the train he managed to find a relatively empty compartment with just the haughty looking boy from the platform and a young red-headed girl sat with her face pressed against the window pain, obviously she didn’t want to be disturbed.
Young James dropped onto one of the seats, and just as he was about to strike up a conversation, a greasy haired boy, who looked very uncared for, entered and went over to the red headed girl and started a conversation.
His memory faded slightly, the middle bits missed out, he only caught snippets of images dancing before his eyes. From what he could gather the red headed girl was Lily and she was joined by another he had not yet come across. James and the haughtly looking boy were laughing at Lily and the boy.
“Come on Severus, let’s find another compartment”
“See ya Snivellus!” the haughty boy called as they left. The haughty boy turned to James, “Sirius Black, and you are...?”
Young James grinned at his new friend, “James Potter.” James knew that he and this boy would stick together and a warmth spread through him as he made his first friend.
The image shifted and James was much older, around 16, lounging around on a sofa in a large house. Sirius wouldn’t be arriving to visit for at least a week so he had nothing to do. He was playing with his wand when the bell rang.
“MUM. DOOR” He yelled out not moving from his spot.
“JAMES. DOOR” She yelled back. He sighed, realising he wasn’t going to win. He dragged himself to the door moaning the whole way. The door bell rang again.
James swung open the door and was greeting by a shocking sight. “Sirius? What happened?” He immediately went to his friends aid. Sirius looked close to collapse, his face was bruised and bloody.
“Thanks...” He said weakly leaning on James. “Parents... left home...”
James dragged Sirius inside, “Mum! You are going to want to get here!” He looked back at Sirius, “You are staying here okay?”
“No... I do- no...” Sirius tried to say, James knew Sirius would be adverse to any kind of charity.
“No buts. You are staying here. You are my best friend, and I won’t take no for an answer.” James said firmly pulling Sirius into the lounge as his mum came bustling down the hallway.
He dropped Sirius onto the couch.
“Thank...you so much... James” Sirius said in a pained voice. “I ... owe you”
“No mate” James reassured, “You are my best mate. You owe me nothing.”
James mind went blank; there was an unbearable pain across his forehead. He couldn’t see the pain was blocking his vision. He felt two arms round him like vice grips holding him tight. Tears streamed down his face as the white hot rod of pain extended round his forehead down to his ears. He let out gasps of pain.
He wanted to die. He wanted it to end.
“James...” A voice was reaching him through the blackened state, “James, come on, stay with me...”
James tried to focus on the voice. He began to have feeling, his knees were hard against the floor. “ARGHHHHHHHH”
“James. Come on! Its alright.” The arms rocked him slightly, he focused on the feeling. The pain in his head began to dull. His eyes sight returned. He could see the cold stone floor inches away from his face.
“Arggghh” He gritted his teeth as the pain faded completely to a dull ache. He could see the blood dripping from his nose to the floor. His breaths came fast and heavy, a shine of sweat on his forehead.
“James? Are you back... James?!” It was Sirius. Worry laced his voice.
“Yeah... yeahhh” James said breathlessly, as he tried to sit up.
“Mate, you don’t want to be doing that too soon. You just had a fit on the floor, and yup, your nose is bleeding. Here, get to the wall” James felt Sirius put his hands under James’ arms and drag him back a few paces to the wall. James leant up against it gratefully.
“Thanks...” James breathed. He wiped a hand under his nose to see his shirt covered blood. Sirius was sat next to him staring with a worried look in his eyes.
“What happened there? One minute you were yelling at me. And... and you said Padfoot, the next you were fitting on the floor, your eyes rolled back and you looked like you were in agony.”
James leant back against the stone cold wall, the pain in his head more of a headache now, “I remembered.”
“No. Just two things, when I first met you, on the train. And that day you came to my house to stay.” James took a deep breath, “I think it was the two most important moments in our friendship and I remembered them”
“At a price though...” Sirius added, “This happened before?”
James nodded remembering the two occasions. “Twice with Lily. You actually triggered one. It was in-“
“The great hall a week ago. You had a nose bleed. But that wasn’t as bad as this. I mean this time...” Sirius shuddered at the thought “This time I don’t even know” He closed his eyelids and pressed hard down on them as if trying to erase the memory of James in such pain.
“There was more this time. There was two compared to the one. And the other memories were short.” James stopped and looked over at his friend, “Sirius, I’m scared. I’m scared that I will remember more and it will hurt like that. Some things not right Sirius,” He wiped his nose again, which was still bleeding onto his shirt, “This shouldn’t happen.”
A/N I hope you people are happy, I wrote this a day after I wrote the other chapter. THAT NEVER HAPPENS, EVEN WHEN I WAS WRITING ALL THE TIME. I love this chapter, I think it has shown a lot about what James has to face in the future and how he will cope.
I don’t know about you, but I am scared for him.
Will he tell Lily about it?
And what did you think of Sirius’ attitude? Was it right of him?
Let me know any predictions.
R and REVIEW please. I like this, and I want to know if you did too!
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