I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong
My mouth is dry,
With words I cannot verbalise –
Tell me why; we live like this.
- We Are Broken by Paramore
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
I swear to god, if somebody asks me that again, I’m going to scream.
Well, I would, if I could.
“You’re not looking too good…”
That’s because I was actually pronounced dead a couple of weeks ago.
“I knew it was a mistake for them to discharge you so early!”
Sirius, please do something.
I looked across the Common Room at Lily, James and Remus – whose worried faces proved that they were intent on making sure I was ‘okay’ every waking second of the day.
And then, there was Sirius. Handsome, wholesome, yet somewhat troublesome, Sirius. The boy who I had inevitably ended up like this for. And he was oh so
completely worth it.
And I did it for Lily and James and my little godson Harry. And that’s why I was being plagued at every possible free moment our final week of school had to offer. Because they all felt guilty. But they shouldn’t.
I’d succumb myself to this a million times to save any of them.
I let out an inaudible sigh and began writing on my personalised blackboard; the one they’d made for me the day my dad had left.
And here come the tears again. More tears from the orphan. The orphan whose father had left without so much as a nice word and had been exposed, days later, as having been under the Imperius curse and killed.
Sirius had tried to hide the letter from me all day. I knew something was wrong as soon as I woke up from my fitful sleep and noticed that the letters that had been unopened that morning had mysteriously vanished and Sirius’ pocket was slightly bulging. I love that boy but sometimes, he is such a halfwit.
So, at nightfall, as he fell asleep next to me, I moved slowly to pull the letter from his jeans and uncrumple it silently. I read it with muted sobs. I didn’t keep that letter. It wasn’t one of my letters that I wanted to keep.
It was at that point that I realised I was truly alone now.
Sirius knows and he understands. He knows I’m sick of the questions, bored of the attention and fed up with the whispers that seem to follow me everywhere now, especially during meal times, when the whole school seems to look up from their pudding every time I accidently clang my fork against my plate or similar times when I actually make a noise – though never from my own lips.
The days were good. It was just when I was sent back to the Hospital Wing to sleep. Or try to sleep. The dark seemed to swallow up my surroundings and engulf everything that was innocent and pure – turning them into monsters and ghouls. They weren’t real.
After the third night of my repetitive night terrors, Madam Pomfrey surprised me with Sirius, who would spend the night with me, so I could sleep peacefully. I’d love to say that it worked, but it was disastrous. Now, both of us didn’t sleep. Every time I would wake up, screaming or crying or (regrettably) ending up sick, Sirius would be the one holding my hand, whispering memories into my ear, lulling me to sleep, trying to block out the inescapable darkness that had a hold on my heart and mind. He would stay up, worrying, stroking my clammy cheeks and patting the damp cloth across my forehead. He knew, just as I did, that the darkness had a hold on me that would never disembark – it was like a demon, hibernating through times of elation, and then arriving in my sub-conscious during times of misery and solemnity.
“Guys…” Sirius said, back in the Common Room. He squeezed my waist in a sorry-I-am-trying-to-help-but-we-both-know-it’s-pointless kind of way.
I sighed and picked up the dusty lavender chalk (Lily, in her attempt to be positive and enthusiastic had bought them for me, “They’re scented, isn’t that great?!”) and etched the long words onto the small board. Everyone watched in anticipation as I did this. They always did.
Whenever they were having a conversation and they’d notice me, scribbling away, they would stop and wait for my input, smiling kindly, trying to make me feel normal. Unfortunately, that one time, I’d been attempting to draw a house-elf in a tutu. All the same, they’d been happy enough to end their conversation about graduation and bleat on about house-elves until they were blue in the face. They were true friends, completely loyal to me.
But it was so annoying.
I finished writing and held up the board to show them, ignoring Lily’s pained expression as she looked away, embarrassed; and still, guilty. I couldn’t blame her. She must feel terrible. I know I’m her best friend, practically a sister to her, but sometimes that girl cares a little bit too much.
‘ Stop this, seriously, I’m fine – I’ve only lost my voice… ‘
“And your father,” added James.
Smack. Thanks, Lily.
“And your sense of humour,” Remus said.
Whack. And thank you, Sirius.
‘ Lily has the pre-natal disease. Not me. ‘
“See? She does have a point,” said Sirius, squeezing my shoulder and winking at me. Gotta love him! Even through everything these past weeks, he’s only done it for my own good.
“But I’m worried about you! I know I feel fine!” Lily cried, putting down her mug of tea and looking over at James expectantly.
“Yeah.” Here comes the cavalry, I thought. “And Lily being worried is making me worried.”
All eyes locked onto Remus. James nudged him.
“And I’m always worried, ever since that disastrous Truth or Dare in fourth year,” Remus laughed, shrugging his shoulders.
‘ I feel sick just thinking about it. ‘
“YOU FELT SICK? Merlin’s beard, after a whole bottle of Firewhiskey, I should think so! But I can assure you, I felt worse!” he said, grimacing.
“How so?” asked Lily, feigning innocence. She looked at me with knowing eyes. Of course, everyone knew that I had drank a whole bottle of Firewhiskey as a dare in fourth year at an attempt to impress Sirius, back when I had the most horrific crush on him. I ended up ill and passing out before ten o’ clock and woke up the next afternoon practically naked in the boys’ dormitory. And Lily, sweet innocent Lily, had actually helped me drink the bottle in our dormitory and had put herself to bed halfway through the game – not that I remember anything past my first dare but that’s what she told me. No one else knew she had drank it, she didn’t want anyone to know she had drank alcohol. That would be a travesty, in her words.
“Well, when the game had finished, she decided to throw up, a lot. All over herself. So, I looked after her all sodding night. I stank of vomit for days…” Remus shook his head sadly.
‘ Still doesn’t explain why I was half naked in the boys’ dormitory though. ‘
“It does!” James laughed, actually slapping his thigh. God, sometimes he was so old.
“James!” Sirius hissed, it was only now that I’d noticed how quiet he had been. The muscles in his chest were tense – he was angry…
“C’mon Padfoot, it was years ago!”
“You promised!” Sirius hissed.
“I haven’t said anything!” James laughed. “Yet.”
“Please don’t…” Sirius begged.
‘ Tell me? It can’t be that bad. ‘
Though I was sure it probably was. These were the Marauders we were talking
“This is going to be goooooood!” James squealed, moving Lily closer to him,
grinning. He was settling himself down for a story, like a five year old.
“It is classic,” said Remus nervously, looking at Sirius apologetically.
‘ You left this bit out of the embarrassing story then? ‘
“It wasn’t my story to tell,” he said, holding up his hands.
‘ Spill. ‘
“Remember I love you, okay?” Sirius said, biting his lip. “And all of us Marauders
were sworn to secrecy for your own benefit – I didn’t want you to feel hurt or betrayed because of this. I thought it was the right thing to do. We were never going to tell you because you didn’t remember anyway…”
‘ I’ll decide your fate after I’ve heard it. ‘
“Wise move!” James whispered loudly. A hex from Sirius narrowly missed his ear. “C’mon then, Padfoot, the two lovely ladies are waiting.”
Sirius let go of my shoulder and moved to sit on the arm of the sofa. It was afternoon lessons and the Gryffindor Common Room was deserted, except for the seventh years who had no more lesions now until graduation next week. And, we were the only seventh years left. Lea and Ava were at Lea’s French villa for her grandmother’s funeral, which would be followed by a holiday in St Tropez. Nice place to mourn, we had thought, but each to their own! Peter was still with his mother and would be missing graduation due to her ill health.
I’d always imagined graduating with all of my friends and family around me – but apparently, that couldn’t happen now.
Sirius opened his mouth to speak and shut it again, looking like an exasperated fish.
“I can’t!” he moaned to James.
For fuck sake.
“Just do it ol’ Paddy ol’ pal!” James grinned.
“I hope this is entertaining for you!”
“Yep, best entertainment all week. And we’re not asking Maisy how she is every
five seconds, so she’s probably mildly ecstatic also,” he said, winking at me.
I guess this was a nice change. But this secret does not sound good. God, I hope I don’t cry. It can’t be that bad though, can it?
“Does Maisy really need this today?” Lily asked sceptically.
‘ I’m fine. Shitting myself now, though. ‘
“You should be!” scoffed Remus.
“Get on with it, Pad!” James cried, on tenterhooks with excitement.
“Are you okay?” Lily ask him in a creeped-out kind of tone.
“Did you pee your pants?” we all said (well, I wrote) simultaneously, falling into fits of giggles at James’ sheepish expression. Bless him.
“Okay, right, if you need to know, I’ll tell you.” I looked at him with hindrance. “Okay, I guess you need to know…”
“Where to begin, eh Sirius?” James butted in, looking up in mock dream-state.
“I know where to begin!” he said, looking at me. He went to speak again, but James got there first.
“Getting the lady on your good side first, eh?”
“She wasn’t too innocent either!” Remus interrupted.
“You need to confess first though, Moony!”
Please, Merlin, no more confessions.
“Okay, no problem.” He said, turning to me as well. “Maisy, I lied. I didn’t look after you when you were shit faced and I didn’t smell of vomit for days. I took the wrap for Sirius – because we knew he had to sell you some sort of story for the things you couldn’t remember. Unfortunately, most of it was lies.”
“All of it,” coughed James.
“Okay, all of it.”
My eyes widened in horror and lead dropped in my stomach. Everyone seemed to notice because Remus bit his lip and looked away. Lily piped up, scared for my own sanity,
“I’m sure they’re making it sound worse than it was!”
“They’re Marauders, remember?” Her eyes were almost maternal as she tried to make me feel better.
‘ That’s why I’m worried. ‘
“Maisy, just stop,” Sirius said, touching me hand and stroking my fingers. “I’m going to tell you everything.”
A/N1: OOOOH what could it be? Any guesses. Haha, I haven't left much to the imagination! Reviews would be appreciated.
A/N2: My little When Sirius Met Harry one-shot is lonely and needs some reviews to warm it - c'mon, you know I'm worth it! (",)
Track This Story: Feed
Write a Review
JOIN HARRY POTTER FANFICTION
Get access to every new feature the moment it comes out.Register Today!