Chapter 9 - Save Me (From Myself)
Hold me, and save me from my self.
I was judging you,
and I realized just how big a lie I lead, yeah
- Hold me by Matt Nathanson
I think, if I calculated all of my tears from the past 3 weeks and 6 days then I would definitely have enough salt water to fill the Lake District. Or the Niagra Falls. Or something large and melodramatic.
It’s day twenty-seven of phasing out Sirius black. It’s not going well. Dodging him was fine, up until last week when I went skitz on him. Now he looks worse than me, dodges my looks, and goes to bed straight after dinner. And I feel like an utter bitch, to be fair.
But, this is all for mum, and for dad, and for Linda. And I love them, and I would never do anything to upset them. Even if that means hurting the one boy I thought I could love. Well, okay, fine! Did love. Okay, I know I know – do love.
Oh god. I love him I love him I LOVE HIM.
I know I’m just gunna take out this note in about 7 seconds anyway so what the heck, I’ll take it out a bit earlier.
I looked at the parchment. It’s yellowing and crumpled and dog-earred, but perfect all the same. Covered in blemishes, but holds the most beautiful meaning. Without this note? I wouldn’t get through the day. No way in hell.
“Maisy. Put it away.” Lily called from the bathroom. Damn, she’s so good.
“How did you know I was…”
“Because I know you too well. Now quick, help me with the clasps. Ava and Lea have already left!” Lily was fretting. Bless her.
I clasped the satin dress, and her auburn hair tumbled down in curls over her midnight blue dress. The colour was perfect and clashed with her lochs, but still looked amazing. She was putting her diamond earrings in to complete the look when she looked up, smiling at me.
“What?” she said, grinning.
“Nothing. You just look, really really pretty.” Cow. Always looks nice. Rrr.
“Please come with us.” She pleaded for the sixteen billionth time.
“I can’t. No date!” I smiled. I’d even bought a dress for the ball, before mum died. I though me and Sirius would go together. It’s the colour of steel, and chiffon. It would have matched his eyes. We would have looked perfect.
“You know Sirius would…”
“No. Don’t mention his name, please?” I said sadly.
“Forget Linda, Maisy! You love him!”
“I can’t forget my family, Lily. You know that. It’s unfair on all of them,” I said, looking up towards the ceiling – hey mum.
“C’mon, no buts, okay? I’m fine. You have a good time, and come home with lots of gossip!” I smiled. Oh, how I want to go to the ball.
“If you’re sure?” She looked worried. No way was she missing her first real date with James!
“Go be Head Girl! Smile, wave, hold James’ hand, and make that amazing Christmas speech, superstar!” I winked at her.
“I’ll be back before twelve,” she promised, opening the dormitory door.
“If you’re back before midnight I’ll beat your ass right back to that hall myself.” HA. “I’ll be fine. GO!”
“Love you, Maisy,” she smiled. Gosh, it was only a couple of hours.
“Go, you idiot! Have fun with James,” I chuckled. She beamed and closed the door behind her. I heard her heels snap delicately on the spiral staircase then fade into nothing. The silence was back. Hello old friend. Missed me?
I picked up my note and my diary and sat on the bed, contemplating writing in the diary. What would I write about?
Today I thought about Sirius. Cried a bit. Thought about mum. Cried some more. Sat on my bed. Cried again. Clasped Lily’s dress. Sat on bed, again.
Cried. It was routine now to cry at least five times a day, about anything and everything.
I can’t believe Sirius used to carry me through things like this. Dreaded depressions and tears. I’m sick of myself. All I hear are my own thoughts. Every minute of the day. All about the same person.
WHY DID I TELL HIM NOT TO TALK TO ME. WHY DID I SAY I DIDN’T LOVE HIM. WHAT THE FRICKIN’ HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
Snapped out of my thoughts, a chestnut brown owl flew up to the tower window, tapping on the old glass panes. I smiled at it. Dad’s owl, awesome.
I ran to the window, tripped over a pair of pumps and landed on the floor, rather theatrically. I’ve hit my head. Owh.
After minutes of pain, and swearing on my part, I retrieved the letter (tickling Thimble for a while as he cooed) and vegged on my bed to read it. The scrawl was large and untidy – he’d obviously written this in a hurry.
Linda has informed me about everything. I finally got it out of her today when I mentioned the ball. Who is Maisy going with? I said. She replied, No one – she was falling for that Black boy. And so, the story was enrolled. I’m so very sorry.
Linda was wrong. I would never be upset with you, Maisy. Your mother would want you to be happy. Sirius obviously makes you happy. His father is a cruel cruel man, but Sirius is very different, as I’ve heard from many sources (cough, Lily. You’re lucky you have such a fantastic best friend.)
So my girl! Put on that dazzling dress, slap on some makeup and get to that ball – and get Sirius back! I’m expecting a full report when you arrive home on for the holidays, got it?
I love you, sweetie
Dad x x x
Dad. I felt sick. Anticipation and fear churning in my stomach. I can’t believe the letter. I picked it up and read it again. And again. Consuming each word, mulling it over in my mind. Your mother would want you to be happy. I’m only ever happy with Sirius. I would never be upset with you, Maisy. Being with Sirius wouldn’t hurt him – I would have no reason to feel guilty. Urrr, what was I waiting for?
I looked at the clock. Nine thirty. Shit shit shit shit. No time for second thoughts. I pulled the dress from the hanger and shimmied out of my pyjamas faster than a hamster on onion. Sod the hair, it would have to do! Curly? Or maybe straight? No curly, he likes it curly. LILY WHERE IS YOUR MAKEUP BAG! I found the makeup bag under the sink and began applying silver dust to my eyelids. Not too much, he hates too much. But this is a special occasion! Right. How do I look?
The mirror didn’t reply. I shrugged my shoulders, thrust my wand down the side of the dress and bolted from the dormitory without a second glance. True love? I’m on my way. I’m actually on my way to my happy ever after.
I walked down the main stairs, scared now. So close to the hall. The star rail was clammy under my hand. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. I turned around to go back. No, I told myself firmly, it’s now or never. I descended the steps – holding on for dear life as Lea ran up them, tears streaming.
“LEA?” But she’d gone.
Another reason to turn back – he may not want me anymore. I would end up like Lea, sad and alone. Again. I needed to talk to Lily, find her, and explain my cunning plan to get Sirius back. She’d be happy. She was right all along. Gotta love her.
Lily walked out of the hall at that exact moment, looking hurried. I went to wave and smile, until I saw her hand that was dragging James with her. She was giggling and he was grinning from ear to ear, it was very sweet. He tugged at his bow tie savagely as she pulled off his dinner jacket. They ran together, down the corridor, kissing and pausing and laughing. Bless them. Together at last. It’s been a long time coming.
Now who am I gunna tell my plan to? I thought about going to find Ava, but she would be with Remus, seeing as they’d made up now and were finally back on track. Ah well, Remus would probably know what to do more than Ava would. I held my breath and stepped into the chaos of the Ball.
I walked into the Great Hall and was bewitched by the enchanted snowy forest setting. Real fir trees, dotted around the hall, with magical snow that covered the stone floor. It was like something from a fairytale – mesmerizing. People were milling around the dancefloor, or stood drinking steaming mulled wine by the full length stain glass windows. Everyone was happy, chatty and laughing – left right and centre. And I felt, complete. Like this was something that had been missing for a long time. I’d finally pieced myself back together, the atmosphere being the glue that held me together. I walked further in, the snow chilling the soles of my feet slightly through my heels. Did I care? No way in hell.
The teachers were stood on the opposite side of the room, tapping their feet to the music and drinking together. Professor McGonagall smiled as I entered. Always had a soft spot for her!
Somehow, in a daze, I ended up near the dancefloor, looking around the hall for any sight of Sirius. He had to be here. He just had to! But here comes Ava. Thank god, she can gush at my ‘in love’ cuteness.
“MAISYYYYYY!” Ava squealed. “You’re here!” she smelled of hard spirits. Good ol’ Ava.
“Ava! I’m here. You’re drunk,” I smiled, still looking around for Sirius. Maybe I should just go straight to him, spontaneous!
“Remus slipped something in my drink?! I’m offended!!” she laughed, making a shocked face at me – then jabbing him with her finger when he came over.
“You drugged me! I have been VIOLATED!” she pouted, nuzzling into his sleeve, giggling.
“I think you were the culprit, my dear,” he laughed, winking at me. ‘She nicked some Firewhiskey. No idea where from’ he mouthed. I laughed, slightly uncontrollably.
“You seem happy!” Remus beamed, nudging my shoulder lightly. He looked pale in this light, and gaunt in his face.
“Yuh-uh. I’m looking for Sirius, I need to talk to him.” I replied urgently, craning my neck at the group in the corner. SIRIUS! He’s over there! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! EEP!
“Excuse me, I have to go…” I rushed off, giggling at Ava slurred reply following me. ‘Wait’ Remus called at me, but whatever, I was off. Ava, always on the spirits. She was going to regret that tomorrow, ha. She always did.
I was picking up speed, faster and faster, thinking my feet would slip on the snow, but I stayed upright. I was reciting words in my mouth, what I would say, how I would say it, envisioning his face when I told him, our make up, the lazy summer days to come, birthdays, Christmases, Hanukahs, everything…
Then, it happened. The worst thing in the world; happened. And it had to happen now.
I pushed past a group of fifth years to reach Sirius, only to find him tangled with a girl in a fuchsia dress. Her hands were clasped on his face, pulling him towards her. Then her hands were on his chest. She pulled him into the crowd and he was consumed by the mass of people. I stood there, motionless... Stood there. Watching the spot where they had been. Where they had been kissing. Sirius. My Sirius. And some, some, SLUT?!
Then, I ran.
I ran; out of the hall. He wasn’t in love with me anymore. I was too late. My eyes were blurred with tears, and black makeup covered my hands as I wiped away the tears. I ran until I crashed into another figure.
“Maisy! Woah, are you okay?” Jason asked, sounding concerned.
Great. Jason. Perfect.
“Do I look okay? Excuse me, I have to go.” I tried to push past him but he held onto both of my wrists, pulling me towards him.
“You know you don’t want to go,” he whispered in my ear.
“Are you drunk?!” I shouted. Sleeze bag.
“Maybe a little. But I don’t need to be drunk to tell you this! I LOVEEEEEEEEEE YOU!”
“Oh, please. Say it to Lea!” I should know.
“Don’t love Lea.” He said indignantly. “Love, you!”
“You’re pathetic. Love isn’t real.” Says me, who was eternally in love forty-five seconds ago, but now believes in feminism. Awesome. Not.
“No, no it is, Maisy, it isssssss!” he breathed on my neck. The alcoholic fumes seemed to swirl around me, making me feel sick. Around me, like Sirius was around that girl.
“Let go of me, Jason.” I said, fisting his chest hard.
“But I love you!”
“You wouldn’t know what love was if it hexed you into oblivion.” Ha, that would confuse him.
“Maybe! But I do know this…” he whispered, and he leant into me, kissing me full on the mouth, pulling at my waist, and keeping a firm grip on my back. I tried to resist, but his hold was too tight, and I couldn’t break out. He seemed to hold me forever. It was putrid. He pulled back and smiled triumphantly. Smarmy git.
I punched him, hard, on the jaw. My eyes began to fill with tears again as I fled from the Entrance Hall, tripping on the stairs copious amounts of times, until I burst into the Common Room, breathless. Jason germs, all over my mouth. Ugh. But, but Sirius had SLUT germs on his. What’s the difference? I’m not in love with Jason though. Whereas Sirius is in love now.
My heart was beating hard and making me feel nauseous. Sirius, in love. But not with me. Sirius had been kissing that Ravenclaw girl. He was in love with her. Rita? Resa? RUBY. Bitch. Sirius was kissing her. I don’t think my mind can take the shock.
My heart broke into two pieces. I felt it.
He didn’t love me anymore.
It broke into four. Rip rip rip.
I’m alone. Again.
It broke into eight. Shattered now, like glass
“BUT I LOVE HIM.” I shouted to the deserted common room, crumpling against the portrait door, sobbing uncontrollably. Sirius. He was gone this time. For good. And it was all my fault. My own selfish thought.
“Maisy?” A soft voice came from behind the armchair. A familiar face glanced over the top of it, wincing slightly at my appearance.
“Sirius.” I gulped, standing up and straightening out my dress. How did he get here so fast? My heart thumped uncontrollably as I looked up at him. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, it kept saying. TELL HIM.
“Good night?” he asked, indicating my blotchy face and creased dress.
“Fantastic, yours?” Bet yours was fucking great, wasn’t it? With that Ruby bitchy bitch slag bitch.
“It was okay.” Hmm. Not great? Pfft, whatever. BY THE WAY, I LOVE YOU. Ugh, reflexes! Get a grip Maisy…
“Well, night then.” I said, clearing my throat and retreating to the dormitories. I’d ruined a perfect opportunity again.
“Night Maisy.” He said, staring at the flames in the grate. He didn’t turn. I watched him as I walked up the stairs, dejected. His eyes were unblinking and his expression was blank. He just continued to stare at the fire, dancing around in his grey thunder eyes. He’s just so hard to read.
How I didn’t run down the stairs and jump on him, tell him I love him a million times over and beg him to never leave me when I got to the dormitory was beyond me. Instead of the romantic response my body wanted to live, I tugged off my dress, crawled back into my comfy pyjamas and wrapped myself in my feather down duvet. Soon enough, the tears began to fall; seeping into the pillow, stinging my face, soon followed by the silent heaving and gulping. The only image I saw until dawn was the one image replaying in my mind. Sirius and Ruby. Together. And every time I saw the image, I died a little more inside. When the girls returned, and stumbled into bed, I was still thinking of them together. And when the sun rose and shed coral pink light through the dormitory windows, I was officially succumbed to the heartbreak that would inevitably ensue the rest of my holidays, and possibly the rest of my school year.
A/N: I actually hate this chapter. Like, alot. Sorry
A/N3: Thankyou to the people who have been reviewing and begging me to not abandon. I promise all readers here and now that there are thirty chapters backed up so far - so chill out. It's just the validation I wait for, I don't not post, I always post - I love having people enojy my work.
So, thanks and keep reviewing or just leave me a smiley, a smiley's always cool :)
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