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A.N - MUAHAHAHAH. Oh...the things I have planned for this fic ;)

Please explain to me why my Hogwartian life is one of the most hectic lives to have to live through? I didn’t sign up for this. Yes, I know I complain a lot, but really – this much drama in one person’s life is just ridiculous. How did this even start? What, was it the party in the beginning of the year that triggered these unfortunate events? Or did it all start since that damn sleepover when I hung James Potter and his gang by their feet from his roof? When Sirius Black decided to yell out the inappropriate comment at lunch, everyone started to talk and gossip. There was uproar in the Great Hall. And for the first time this week, I didn’t feel like I was alienating anyone or ruining their lives because they were hanging out with me. It’s like everyone else is living, but I just seem to take things more literally and tear myself down too much. Is that even plausible? It lifted my spirits when Jess was the one being talked about, I gotta admit; although Jessica’s scandalous secret was blown a bit out of proportion. They were not ‘doing it’, as Sirius called it. I kind of feel bad for him right about now, because Jessica attacked him penguin ninja style.

How did I not know about this!?” I screech, while pacing back and forth.

Frank ran off, Sirius is in the hospital wing, and James, Peter, and Remus are comforting their friend with a broken nose. And me? I’m stuck in a boarded up closet with Emma Tebbon and Jessica Finelly. Jessica made out with Frank Longbottom….they snogged! THEY SNOGGED!

…Did you know that?

“I’m sorry! It’s just…you’re going through a lot right now. I didn’t want to add on to your stress,” says Jessica helplessly.

“Stress? What stress? You snogged Frank!”

“I know- I felt so bad about it…”

No, this is good! “What? Why?!”

“I feel bad about the whole thing, Lily! I cheated on Jeff.”

Emma and I exchange blank looks. “Jeff?” I guess. He’s the problem?

“Oh,” is all Emma says. Ah, right. Her ex-boyfriend. Jeff. Yeah, I know him.

“Wow, this couldn’t have come at a more opportune moment…” I scratch my head. Jess gives me a hard look as I think to myself.

“What Lily means to say, is that this whole break-up-through-a-letter thing from Jeff was probably what you needed.”

“Needed? How could I have possibly ‘needed’ my boyfriend to break up with me?” Jessica snaps.

“Come on, you didn’t cheat on Jeff,” I push. “I think that your relationship might have been over before you kissed Frank, and I’m not saying this to be mean. Jeff’s a good guy, but I’m not sure this muggle was your equal.”

“Well…crap,” Jessica states.

Crap is right. Since when did I go off having a backbone? Let alone the skill of logical observation?

“Er…sorry,” I blush.

“Where did that come from?” Emma asks, perplexed.

“I just asked myself that same question, Em.”

Jessica sighs. “So what you’re telling me, Lily, is that I didn’t cheat on my now ex-boyfriend with Frank?”

“No, you didn’t really cheat,” Emma puts in.

“I agree, you didn’t think about it when you did it, right?” I ask.

“Right.”

“Well, you didn’t kiss Frank on purpose to hurt Jeff, nor did you really snog him consciously. I don’t see a problem.”

“Lily!”

“What?”

“How can you be so cool about this?”

I bite the inside of my cheek in response.

“No, I didn’t mean to hurt Jeff-”

“Technically,” Emma cuts off, “You didn’t hurt him at all. He doesn’t know; but, Jeff is still the dumper in all this.”

“And I’m the dumpee,” Jessica sulks.

“Psh, I say you’re good to go,” I wave off.

Emma and Jessica look at me as if I stretched my lips over my face.

“Is it just me, or have we just been witnessing stages of Lily transforming for the past two days?” Emma mumbles to Jess.

“Definitely not just you, Em.”

“Excuse me,” I interrupt. “I’m right here.”

Where were we?

“Anyway – What I’m telling you, Jessica, is that you snogged him to get back at him. To prove a point, yeah? Well…you did.”

“Er, okay. But doesn’t that still count?”

“Depending on the situation, there are many different levels of infidelity. This is not one of them,” Emma concludes.

“Are you guys sure?”

“Yes!”

“Absolutely.”

“…But isn’t it kind of bad that I kissed him not realizing it?”

I flutter my eyes in thought. “Oh.”

Bugger. Now that I think about it, the fact that kissing Frank was so natural for her (subconsciously, I mean) definitely switches the table around.

“But that has nothing to do whatsoever with Jeff or your ex-relationship,” Emma emphasizes.

“Yeah, that has to do with your feelings for Frank.”

“Feelings? What feelings…?” Jessica asks impossibly. She takes a seat on an old crate as she reads the looks on our faces. If you’d like a mental picture, we look poser children for the saying of ‘Are you bloody serious?’ followed by the stink eye.

“You two want on each other!” I roar. I restrain myself from pulling out a pie chart to show their similarities.

“We do not!” She argues.

“So you’re saying that you have no feelings for him at all?

Jessica rolls her eyes. “Emma, I do not like Frank Longbottom, for the last time…”

Shitballs!

“Yes, you do.”

“Nope.”

“Yes,” I insist.

“Try again…”

“Argh!” I belt out.

“So you punched Sirius Black in the face because you don’t have feelings for Frank?” Emma raises her eyebrows disbelievingly.

“Obviously not. I tackled him because he just started a rumor about me, and pushed himself into my person life and threw everything out of proportion.”

“So it wasn’t because he let people know you two ‘did it’?”

“Emma! We didn’t ‘do it’. See? My point exactly. All he did was cause a whole rumor train, now everyone’s going to think I’m a slag!” She cries.

“You’re more worried about what the student body is going to think of you, rather than your own feelings for Frank?” I question.

“…What feelings?”

“You. Are. Impossible.” I cross my arms.

(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)

Reading in the library was always soothing for me. But lately, I’ve been finding it hard to take the time out to really relax. I feel like I need to fix everything. I have to make Jess realize she likes Frank and some how get them together. Second, I need to find out why James Potter is going through an identity crisis and has been acting like a prick to everyone (or so I’ve heard). But, before I start on the two named problems above – I have to take care of my own. With Frank.

Skimming the books in the Nonfiction section of the library, I pick out an autobiography about Wand making, anything that can distract me from my world, and take a seat. I make sure to pick a place to sit where I can easily dodge Madame Pince if she pops up with another one of her obsessive fangirl-ness over Nancy Drew. It’s sad, really. She should date more.

Falling deep inside the plushy seating of the chair in the corner comforts me immediately. Being so close to the window, I can’t help but gaze outside. It’s dark and looming with fog. It seems like it’s about to rain soon. The weather has really been exploiting my emotions lately, what the crap? Is the fog supposed to symbolize my struggles? If you call trying to grow some balls and charge up to Frank and apologize a struggle, more than a fear, then yes. It all fits in.

I wonder if Frank has talked to Jess since the dinner incident. Not that I’ve seen him. He had been completely absent during classes lately. I still can’t believe Jessica’s denial over snogging him. In any case, they’re crazy about each other – just too shy to let the other know. I must stab my best friend with the blunt sword we all call reality, fast. If only Frank could be a bit more social, I could find him. I could totally understand him being too embarrassed to walk out in public, but for him to be non-existent? That’s not like him. Frank is always around, always listening. He is all knowing, and not having him here is discomforting. My goodness, what if James hit him again?! Sweet muffin eating hippogriffs, I never thought of that! What if he is so badly beaten he can’t speak? It’s my entire fault! What if he had been in the hospital wing because of me? But no, James wouldn’t go that far. But at the same time, I was totally surprised to find Frank with a black eye. Even though no one told me who punched him, I knew it was James. I mean…who else could it have been?

Merlin, I’m the worst person in the world. Sure, I might not be infecting other people’s lives, but damn, I’m taking everyone down with me! The library was usually a place that Frank resided in, and in coming here to read a book and relax, I hoped he’d be here too.

Determined to find the boy, I put down my book (which was boring out the ass, by the way) and look around the library. Surprisingly, I actually spot him. Wow! Just my luck, eh? Haven’t talked to him in so long, and I need to set this right. I don’t want him to stay angry at me, if he is at all. He’s wearing reading glasses, turning the page of a thick book near the fireplace. He’s also sitting at a table. Hold on… he’s reading?

Yes, reading a book. And not just any old book.
But a chronicle…

A certain chronicle that’s now known to give me nightmares.

“You’re reading Nancy Drew?

It spews out of my mouth a lot more hostile and puzzling than I would have wanted.

Completely taken aback by my appearance, he coughs awkwardly. “Hi,” he looks away.

Oh, fudge. We’ve reduced ourselves to small talk. “Frank, can I talk to you, please?”

“Don’t pester me about Jessica, if that’s what you’re on about.”

My mouth drops. “I would never! How could you ever think I was here to pester gossip out of you?” I bite my lip. I know why he would think that; because he told me something and I spilled. I totally blew it.

“Look, I’d like to keep a low profile here, so just…talk to me later, okay?” He looks both ways, making sure no one can see us, and finds it upon himself to hide behind his book.

“I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

Heh?” He snorts quizzically.

“I messed everything up, and I’m sorry.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What the hell, Frank, what do you think I’m talking about? I’m sorry I gave you that black eye! I shouldn’t have said anything to James; I wish I could have taken it all back–”

It’s like a record is put on hold and the scratch echoes through our heads.

“WOAH, Woah, Woah…” He puts a hand up, cutting me off. “You told James?”

“Yes,” I say confused. “And I came here in the hopes of you forgiving me for spilling what you told me because-”

“Wait a damn minute!” He whispers coarsely. He puts his book down and pulls out a fedora. It takes me a while to get what’s just happened.

And when I do, the little man in my head goes: WTF. “A fedora?!” I say too loudly.

“It’s for disguise, Lily! Shut up!” He gets up from his seat and discreetly leads me down a section in the library that’s closed off from everyone else who’s working on homework. Who cares if the hat is for disguise? I want to know how he just pulled a fedora out from no where!

“What are you talking about, Frank? And why did you lead me down here?”

“We can’t talk out there, people are bound to here us,” Frank whispers. “Look, I don’t know what you’re on about, because I had no idea that you told James. Nor has he come up to me to yell at me as a result, or even come near me at all for that matter.”

“But, you’re black eye – it’s from James.”

Eyebrows together in thought and wonder, Frank responds with a long, “No…”

“No?”

“Not at all.”

“If James didn’t, who did?”

“Amos Diggory.”

My eyes bug out of my head. “Bah!”

“Shut your mouth, they’ll hear us,” Frank demands, putting his hand over my mouth while I mumble curse words and a mixture of incoherencies.

“This can’t be right!”

“Well, that’s what happened…”

“Why would Amos hit you? And even if he did, then why has James been turning back to his old ways? Nothing explains anything anymore,” I almost cry out in frustration. I thought that James was back to being a sarcastic jerk, like how nonchalant his personality was during this summer before Hogwarts, because he was mad at the world and blah, blah, blah. And now Frank is telling me that Amos hit him in the eye?

“Amos hit me because we got in a fight. Needless to say, we tried to finish what we started during class… he punched me first, lucky bastard,” he says more to himself than to me.

“Hold up, is that what Amos got detention for?”

“Yes…?”

“So that’s why you two weren’t anywhere near Hogsmeade! You were in the hospital wing and Amos was in detention!”

“Um…”

“So that leaves us to you,” I state, pointing at him.

“Me?” Frank says skeptically. “What the hell do I have to do with this?”

“Everything!”

“I don’t think so.”

“But you weren’t seen for like a million years!”

“Queen of Hyperbole, will you calm down?”

I huff in response while he continues. “I don’t know why you’d think James would hit me for you spilling his secret. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did, but that wasn’t the case at all. James hasn’t come to me for a while, and now that I think about, that might just be his retaliation towards me.”

“You mean that my theory of him punching you for what I said was a bit too much?”

“Basically. If anything, he’s not talking to anyone anymore because he can’t deal with you now knowing. I haven’t talked to him, like I said, but when ever that time comes, no matter how bad it might be… it will happen eventually. I can’t say for sure how he’s changed so far, but when I do get to talk to him, I’ll be able to figure him out within seconds. But as for the whole disappearing thing- I have been here all this time. Just not around you.”

“And why the hell not?” I ask pissed/understanding/happy about the new information.

“Honestly, you don’t know?”

“…If James didn’t come up to you to beat you up…and you were ignoring me because you were mad I blabbed…then how did you find out-”

“I’m not mad you,” he says simply. “And I didn’t know you told him until now.”

“Gosh, this is a mess!” I put my hands through my hair.

“Take a deep breath, alright? I’m going to explain this in the best way I can. ‘Kay, so…You told James at the same time it took Amos and me to get into an argument. On Hogsmeade day, you didn’t see me, but knew that Amos was in detention. And since then, you thought that me disregarding you when you were around was because James came to me, punched me in the eye, yelling that you told him what he told me not to tell you.”

My eye twitches. “Meh,” I say in conclusion.

“Am I right?”

I nod. “But wait, why were you ignoring me then? If it wasn’t for James, then why have you been completely overlooking my existence?”

He looks down and blushes, which makes my heart beat out of my chest. Oh-My-God.

Little man inside my head, you are a genius!

I know why! And this time…I actually do know why; I’m not pretending to know something! Bah, I have basic logic skills!

Oh, happy day!

Ahhh!

Why am I exclaiming so much! (?)

Pardon me- that was an exclaiming question.

“Because of Jessica,” I blab out in realization. With my mouth agape, I stand there like a fool while I rant. “You didn’t approach me at all because I was always with Jessica!”

His chin is set in a hard line. Frank must really be clamping his teeth down hard.

“You like Jessica, and you haven’t been approaching me because you two snogged!”

I hear him mumble.

“Yes, I’m right! Say it… Say it!” He isn’t looking at me and I try to make eye contact with him, but it just turns into the ice-capades because I’m basically doing exotic interpretive dance moves just trying to get him to turn his head around. I’m like one of those kids in school that always annoys you and gets in your face. Yeah, the one that eats the crayons and likes being loud…That one.

“I know who you are, Frank Longbottom,” I smirk. Never in his entire life, has he had someone say that to him. I know that for sure.

Frank’s eyes immediately pop out of his head at my words, and his face throws a flabbergasted fit. He’s completely alarmed, and flees from the library.

Damn it, must we always part this way?

Sighing in defeat, I head back to my common room for the night. Frank really needs to learn how to say goodbye to people. My life is just getting more and more awkward by the second. Now, back to my goals; Frank is now crossed off the list. James hasn’t approached him and as far as anyone knows, James is back to his old ways. But on the good side, everything is sorta kinda cleared up with Frankie Boy. The marauders are keeping their distance (I wouldn’t be surprised, Sirius is probably more than a little pissed at his broken nose), Jessica/Frank are in denial (I’m working on that), and I still don’t know how the hell James feels about me (the tagline to my life).

I’ve had some time to think about things, and if James is really back to his ways, I’m not really sure what that’s going to do for us. Not that kind of ‘us’, like a couple. No, we aren’t a couple, so wipe that smirk off your face. It’s that kind of…you know…‘us’…oh, shut up. You get what I mean. And in any case, if there ever was a chance in Merlin’s panties that I’d being dating James Potter, they are up in flames now. He’s back to being a jerk. A womanizer. A bad boy. If the rumors are true, then it will completely change the equation around. But what I can’t understand is why he’s all of a sudden acting back to the selfish prick he was before. Does this mean he’s going to try to tease me and chase me again? Date other girls and show too much PDA? Flick paper balls in his Professor’s beard whilst sleeping up on his desk?

Not so sure about that last part. I heard Remus talking about something like that happening in Arithmancy, but you can’t really trust anything those damn marauders say. They’re rotten. The whole lot of them. Either that, or Remus is just the girlie best friend stuck in a teenage drama. The one that’s always trying to fix things but doesn’t act the part for her own character. Wait, did I just say that Remus Lupin is some manly chick in all of this?

… Is it weird that as soon as I thought ‘manly chick’ I pictured an old overweight Swedish woman in her late sixties with a beard and broader shoulders than a gorilla? Or Rambo, in this case?

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite redhead,” a smooth and rugged voice says out of nowhere in the darkly lit hallway.

I squint in the darkness, and in the moonlight, out comes James Potter from the shadows. The moon’s white light is illuminating him, as he’s walking by the window. I halt, my feet squeaking against the marble, as I swallow nervously. He’s looking so enticingly good-

FUCK!

Let’s halt, right now. My brain did not just think that. It was the little man in my head, it was him, I swear. I’m innocent!

“James.”

He smirks, walking closer to me. “Lily.”

“What are you doing here?”

James has a very poised face. Almost as if he hasn’t smiled in a while. That kind of face that doesn’t show emotion. What is happening to him?

“I was in the neighborhood,” he replies.

“I’m sure you were.” I cross my arms.

“I was actually planning on talking to you tomorrow.”

I raise my eyebrow skeptically.

“But since I’ve already found you…”

“What do you want?” I say, getting to the point.

“Not a damn thing,” he says a bit too normally.

Little man says you’re hot.

“So why are you talking to me?”

Little man says you’re cold.

“Am I not permitted to talk to you? Last time I checked, that was still legal,” he answers, annoyed.

Little man says you’re yes.

“No, it’s just that you disappear on me, again, and then you come at me in the dark.”

Little man says you’re no.

…What? I have a snag for lyrics. Leave me alone.

He snorts. “Come at you in the dark? Make it sound like I’m trying to mug you, why don’t you.”

“Actually, it’s more like a pounce,” I say in acknowledgment. I bite my cheek. Man, I have to remember who I’m talking to sometimes.

“I don’t pounce.”

“…then you frolic,” I counter.

“Yes, I frolic,” he tells me, entertained. There’s this glimmer in his eyes. He gives me a devious smile and I can’t help but know what inside joke he’s laughing about in his head.

“Like a woodland animal,” I add on in a childish manner. I’m just going to keep accumulating things until he stops playing along.

James laughs out loud. While scratching the back of his head, he says, “Right on.”

Huffing, I look at him in agitation. First I try to insult him and it backfires. Now, he’s laughing at my expense. Does anything ever go my way?

“Look, if it isn’t important, I’m just going to go back to the common room, James.”

“Oh-ho, look at that. You said my first name twice, out loud!” He mocks. I bite my lip and give him a strong look.

“What’s with you lately?” The soft spoken words come out all on their own.

James walks closer to me, and before I can even catch guard, I’m backed up into a corner. His face has completely altered from his mocking face to his smoldering face. He’s so hard to read. I say one thing and the whole world stops for this guy; talk about PMS, for real. He’s more sensitive to words than Jess is during her time of the month.

“Oh, nothing, really. Just been battling some internal demons.”

Where have I heard that before…

“Why did you want to talk to me?”

He smiles. But not the genuine type of smile.

“I wanted to let you in on some changes around here that I thought you’d like to know about,” James tells me with full eye contact. My mind focuses on only one word: Change. How many times do we have to go through them? Every damn day is a challenge and every damn thing I know is disappearing. Change? I hate it. I can’t stand it. The effect of the word itself has turned my life into an inferno of drama, deceit, and lies. Why can’t things just stay as they are?

“I don’t like change. I don’t react well with…change,” I say slowly, completely off topic. His face falters for a moment, wondering why out of all that he’s just said, that one word is the only thing that’s caught my attention. James recovers instantly and arches his shoulders forward, so he’s leaning over me. Merlin, he has to stop doing this to me. Back against the wall, he completes the human box trap with putting his arm nonchalantly next to my head.

“Well,” he whispers, “You know what? Things are going to change whether you like it or not, Evans.” He leans in close and I can feel his breath tickle my face. I feel his eyes burning through me. Hesitantly, I look down, but the second I do I feel like I’ve broken a law. Because he somehow manages to make me pull my eyes back up to him.

How does he do it?

“Not if I can help it,” I whimper.

He chuckles blackly, “Always the stubborn one.”

I’m afraid to turn my head because I don’t want him to think I’m trying to escape. Nor do I want him taunting me for looking away from him because someone might see us. He leans in dangerously close before so much as a clear thought or decision to do anything enters my mind.

“Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I’m back.”

I stare at him long and hard. “What?” I feel like someone’s knocked the wind out of me. Please don’t let it mean what I think it means.

“Forget the party- all the crap…just erase all that rubbish. It’s gone. Dead to me. None of that ever happened. It’s time to start new, on a clean slate.” James is speaking tauntingly, and at the same time, it’s like he’s trying to convince himself. Even I’m trying to convince myself that what he’s just said is a part of reality.

“But how is that possible? What does that even mean?” I rush out.

“James Potter: Hogwarts Resident bad boy is back, baby. New and improved,” he smirks, his face looking marauder-devilishly handsome-ish. Oh, no. It’s that spark…The spark is back in his life. The James Potter Hell-raiser Spark.

“And you haven’t seen anything yet.”


Author's Note:
By the way, to clear up some confusion: When Lily was ranting and saying "Little man says you’re hot. Little man says you’re cold. Little man says you’re yes. Little man says you’re no" I was quoting lyrics. The lyrics are by Katy Perry, taken from her song HOT N'COLD. It fit so well, I just had to throw that in there =P

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