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Author's Note- So before I give you the next chapter, I must profusely give my apologies for being an awful author! I am so sorry for not having a new chapter in two months, I have no one to blame but myself! And school but we can get to that later. I know all of you probably want to kill me for taking so long but better late then never, yes? Well anyway..

School has been so hectic I am failing miserably and I need to fix that so I will promise you this, chapters will indeed be coming reguarly again but if I disappear for a short while, let's all agree to blame it on my school. Okie and one more thing please do not kill me if you think this chapter is awful, I'm not too fond of it either, though it has its points. NOW PLEASE READ AND PLEASE REVIEW!!! good or bad folks. (:

Take these chances to turn it around
Just take these chances we'll make it somehow
And take these chances to turn it around
Just turn it around

When it Rains- Paramore

Yawning, I scrubbed my hands over my face. I had been sitting, alone, in my dormitory, waiting for Ava or my cousin to come back from classes. I stood up, stretching and stealing a glance over at the candle stub that, two hours ago was brand new, it gave the last flicker of life and then the room was bathed in darkness. I clicked my tongue and walked over to my stand, stumbling in the darkness. Slamming open the drawer in the stand, I pulled out a long, white candle, lighting the wick with a match instead of magic, instantly the flame caught and the room brightened a bit.

I paced back to my bed and then to the door, not sure where to go or what to do. Wringing my hands I made myself sit back on my bed, smoothing the duvet around me. The girls had been gone for hours and it had to be said that it was my own fault but in any case, Lily was wrong, Ava too. They could never just accept things for how they were and move on.

I had come to realize in the last few hours that no matter what not everyone would come out of this unscathed. Someone was inevitably going to get hurt and I might have been selfish to believe it would be myself. I lost someone no matter the scenario; well I would lose another someone. I lost Sirius and I was losing Lily and conceivably Ava, then I would lose James and Remus.

I was only left with myself and Sebastian. No matter how much love I had for him, it just didn't seem like a consolation prize compared to everything I was losing.

It didn't have to be said that I was beginning to panic.

I tried my hardest to not think of my already messed up life just slipping out of control more, but the more I pushed it to the back of my mind, the more it came full circle to rear its head at me.

Usually in this situation I would find someone to thank for making my life absolute shit but I could blame anyone but myself. Being angry with anyone was easy and pathetic but I knew the only person that could have caused this much damage was myself and that was the only person I could be angry with. I was angry with myself above anything else.

Angry with myself for ever bringing myself into this position and angry for bringing the people I love most into it with me. It was one thing to get hurt by myself but to hurt everyone within a mile of my heart was awful.

I hoped above hopes that I could fix things and try to salvage my life, but I was being selfish and should have just hoped to get as many people out of my life as safe as possible with me around.

I groaned and flopped back onto my bed, my foot connecting with the stand. I heard something roll over the wood and fall, hitting my ankle before glass shattered on the floor. Not thinking, I stood up to see what was broken. Hot pain seared through my foot and I jumped back lifting my foot, glass was rammed jaggedly into the soft flesh in my heel. I winced and pulled the pieces out before sitting on the floor.

Something wet moved around my fingers and I glanced down to the silvery liquid and followed the path to where it started. My eyes rounded on a million shards of glass and what looked like silver water and diamonds mixed together on the floor. Stars.

Sirius' snow globe had fallen from my night stand. I grabbed a thick piece of glass and fingered the smooth edge lightly. A bubble of pain rippled up in my chest and tears brimmed over my eyes, leaving small water marks on my jeans.

"I'm so sorry, so, so sorry." I cried, sobs catching my breath." I'm sorry Sirius, I didn't mean to, I miss you Sirius. I'm sorry, so sorry. I didn't want to mess anything up, please forgive me."

I curled my legs to my chest and leaned my forehead on my knees. My cries were muffled but I cried still, talking to the someone that I really needed to have back in my life but couldn't have. "Sirius I never meant to hurt you, I'm sorry for telling you to go, I don't want you gone, I love you. I love you more then anyone else. I'm sorry for breaking the globe, I didn't mean to. I don't want to hurt everything. Sirius I need you, forgive me. Forgive me, please."

I whispered the words over and over again, laying on my side and burying my head into my arms. I was pathetic and hurt.

And there wasn't a big enough band-aid in this world to make it any better.


Fingers waved over my face and body and an urgent voice whispered in my ear. I opened my dry eyes and lifted my tear stained face. Ava's blond hair pooled over my face. "Ava, I'm sorry." My voice was hoarse. She turned her head to me and pulled me up, wrapping me in warm arms her head leaning on my shoulder.

"Loren, no matter how wrong I think this all is. I'm not leaving you" She soothed pushing my hair back. "What happened to you hun?"

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself, holding anything left of me together.

Ava gave me a weak smile before sweeping the glass into a container and dropping it into the trash can. She stood walking to the bathroom, poking her head from the bathroom she said, "Lily isn't coming back if that's what you were waiting for. I'm sorry Loren; I don't think this is going to magically fix itself."

The words I knew were coming stabbed at my brain and the unused tears I had washed over my face. Ava came back a second later with a small box in her hand and two clothes in the other, "None of that love, you'll fix things and I'll help. Now just stay still and here."

She handed me a warm cloth and I wiped over my face letting my breathing steady. I glanced over to Ava and watched as she washed off my cut foot, "I can do that you know." I pointed out and leaned over to grab the alcohol but Ava slapped my hand away.

"Just lean back," She reprimanded, "let me be your best friend."

I nodded and watched mesmerized as she wrapped my foot in gauze and sealed it of, patting it gently and pointing to my bed. "Sleep" She said.

I pulled myself up and pulled the covers down on my bed, but before slipping in I grabbed the container of glass and shoved it under my bed, I couldn't throw it out. I trudged to my bed and lay down, letting my hands lay over my chest, protecting my heart from any further damage. Weight pulled at my bed and I looked over to Ava who was slipping into the bed next to me.

"I figured there was only two of us and my bed is all the way across the room, besides you don't need to be alone." She kissed my forehead and squeezed me.
"Things will get better Loren. I promise you."

Leaning my head on her shoulder and whispered good night and closed my eyes, clearing my mind and letting a dreamless sleep fall over me.


"Are you going to eat lunch at the table today?" Ava asked, the next morning, rushing to grab her books.

"I don't know," I said wearily and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "it depends on what happened later I suppose."

Ava nodded, "Well I'm going to breakfast, see you in class, love."

I smiled in good bye as I watched her walk way.

To be honest, I would have rather not gone to class today. Or probably any day for the rest of the year but I wasn't going to miss class because of this. Vacation was in two weeks and I would just have to bear with life. I had class with Lily all day today and Sirius also, I wasn't sure how long I was going to make it with my sanity and then I wasn't sure how long I was going to make it without it.

Taking a deep breathe I walked out of the dormitory, glancing into the mirror on the wall beside the door beforehand. I grimaced at my reflection and took in my appearance. My hair was thrown up into a ponytail and my ebony curls were frizzy and snarled. I looked about as good as I felt. And right now I felt awful and tired. Shrugging my shoulders I walked down the steps and scanned the room for Lily, she wasn't there so I pushed open the portrait and left, not planning on making it to breakfast.

By the time I made it into the corridor my heart was pounding in my chest and I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and hide, I was nervous about seeing my own cousin, how sad. A movement behind me made me jump and I turned to look into dark circled, green eyes.

"Hello little brother." I said slowly.

"Hey, I heard about you and Lily and I heard about everything else that has gone on within th past few months." Avery said. I winced and motioned for him to walk. "Lor Bug, where did all your sense go?"

I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows. "What do you mean Avery?"

"I mean this; even if Sebastian didn't push you, you were capable of thinking that he had. And before that you cheated on him, you were never that girl. And then before that you sat around and let Sirius not know you loved him and let yourself get hurt. You're not like that, that was never something you would do."

I shook my head and stepped forward, "And you were never the person that kept secrets from me, especially when it came to our family." I sighed, "Daddy is in trouble, and I know it. When you're ready to talk to me, you know where I'll be. I have a lot to tell you." I walked away feeling his surprised gaze on my back.

I guess I was full of surprises lately.

I walked sluggishly down the hall, stumbling around the corner and dragging my hands over the stone walls. I let my feet guide me, leaving my brain free to wander. My eyes fell over the rows and rows of stones that set the ground below me.

I heard a muted sob in front of me and my neck snapped up, eyes settling on Moaning Myrtles Bathroom. I rolled my eyes but at the same time my heart ached for the poor, depressed ghost girl, who was, like me, alone.

I opened the door, slipping in quietly. I wanted to console the poor girl, but how do you tell someone that was doomed to the earth forever; that you knew how they felt? You couldn't because you could never know how they felt, unless you too, were a ghost. Another sob rolled from under one of the stalls and the locked clicked open, the door opening slowly.

Before I had any real time to register that it was a human in the bathroom, I was already in the nearest stall, peaking through the crack of the door, crouched on the toilet so they couldn't see my feet.

High heels shuffled over the floor making a light, click, clack noise. Every so often a small sob would escape her lips and then a short sniffle. I waited quietly for the girl to come into view, wondering shamelessly who it was. As a crop of blonde hair came into view, my shoe slipped lurching my legs forward and my body down. I hit the ground with barely a noise and thanked Merlin I was a graceful klutz.

I looked back through the crack of the stall, my breathe hitching in my throat, Carly, Sebastian's friend, leaned against the sink, something in her hand and mascara stains painted down her cheeks. For a split second I felt pity for the obviously upset girl but at the same time the word, 'karma', worked its way into my vocabulary.

You don't hit on my boyfriend and then expect life to flow swimmingly.

Whatever her evident problem was, I had convinced myself it was my cosmic doing. I had found my revenge somewhere in the stars or in tea leaves and whatever the heavens had cast upon her was her own fault. Eye for an eye and all that good stuff. For once life was working for me and Saturn must have been in line with Mars or something along those lines because in the air was the pungent, sweetness of what was meant to be revenge and I hadn't even had a hand in it.

Another sniffle and the blonde girl fixed her skirt and threw the little bobble in the trash and clacked out, sweeping her hair over her shoulder before leaving the bathroom completely. Scrambling up, I pushed open the door and stepped out, stretching my limbs and pulling my bag over my shoulder.

Normally I wasn't a curious person (my conscious gave a little snort at this statement) but I had to figure out what the gods were cursing her with. So looking from the door and back I walked over to the garbage bin and looked down at the newly added piece of trash. Scanning my eyes over the tissues, old lipstick containers and ripped up notes my eyes stopped over a small white piece of plastic.

"What the..?" I whispered before using my wand to flip it over. My brain took a minute to register what the gods had smitted her with. But slowly realization swept over me and I could barely contain the gasp that left my throat. Right there in front of me, blared a big, light pink cosmic plus sign.

"Shit! I didn't mean to knock her up." Was the last thing I said before running out of the bathroom.

Professor McGonagall walked by but not before fixing my hand position. I smiled at him curtly and dropped my hand resuming my all day- day dreaming. The only thing that had come to mind all day was that Carly was pregnant and I was just guessing but besides her and her new bundle of joy, I might have been the only one who knew. I sighed and ran my hand over my flat stomach. In a few months, Carly would have more to worry about then finding her favorite shade of lipstick, she would have a kid, a living, and breathing life that screamed for attention and before that would be like a little science experiment in her stomach.

The term, 'Just add water' echoed in my head and I rolled my eyes.

How could anyone that young have a baby? She was only sixteen, maybe seventeen the same age as me and I know that I could never be pregnant at this age. It was impossible. I would probably forget to feed him. How do you remember when to feed him? But a better question appeared as the other trailed way, what do you feed a baby?

I was never having sex, ever. Bad news for Sebastian but unless he was going to remember to feed Junior he was shit out of luck. My stomach rumbled under my fingers and I remembered that I had forgotten to stop at the kitchens this morning; I had forgotten to feed myself.

The human race stood no chance with me, I was one of those people that weren’t meant to have a child, I was the volunteer population control.

How would Carly get by? Would she finish school or just never come back for our last year. She would surely get fat and you would see her waddle through the hallways wondering whether she had eaten too much for lunch or if she had forgotten to use pre-contraception.

And who was the father? Probably a Slytherin. A fellow follower of you know who, their baby set to be a minion.

I dropped my wand on my desk and poked my boyfriend in the side. "Seb?" I asked him, waiting for him to turn. "Seb!" I repeated urgency in my voice.

"What Lor?" He asked and turned his stool towards me. The freckles on his noise spread out to his cheeks and I smiled at him.

"Carly is pregnant." I mumbled and motioned to her with my head. "I know it isn't my business to tell but I seen her this morning in the bathroom with the positive test in her hand!" I bit my lip and blushed, feeling bad for spreading gossip but it was the truth and it was only to my boyfriend.

I watched carefully as Sebastian looked from my lips, to Carly across the room and then back to me before his mouth made a small, 'O' shape. His eyes glazed over lightly and his face turned red. "Wow, uh, that's a lot of information Loren. Maybe you shouldn’t ya know, tell anyone else?" His voice shook and I wanted to hug him for being such a loyal friend.

"I won't, promise." I mused and kissed his cheek. "You're such a great person, looking out for your friends and everything."

He laughed nervously and kissed my cheek his gaze going back to Carly.

One thing was for sure, I hoped the father of her child was as good to her as Sebastian is to me.


I gripped the banister as I hopped down the stairs, following Ava's wake. "So are you coming to lunch with me?" She asked, turning to me at the bottom of the stars.

I grimaced at her and shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the Marauders and the rest of the Gryffindor’s. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face anything. I wasn't getting used to hiding.

"I guess Ava." I told her and looked from my hands to her face. She smiled at me appreciatively and grabbed my hand, pulling me to the Great Hall.

As the smell of lunch wafted through the air, my stomach growled for the millionth time that day and my mouth salivated. I hadn't eaten since the day before yesterday and food seemed like a god send at this point.

I let Ava pull me to the table, keeping my eyes trained on the benches, plopping down when I had to. There was only us and a few others at the table so far, none of my old friends in sight. "Where is everyone else?" I asked in hushed tones, dropping salad onto my plate.

"They'll be here." She said, pulling a basket of rolls and butter toward us

I stifled a groan behind a yawn, "Oh that's good." I lied and took a sip from my goblet. Ava eyed my, raising her eyebrows at me. "Well what do you want from me?" I ran my finger over the fork next to my plate.

"Well for one I want you to not have gotten back together with him. And two I want you to pretend to want this all back." She motioned over the table with her roll.

I narrowed my eyes at my best friend, "Ava we aren't getting into this, I love him and that's final," I whispered in furious tones "and I do want this all back, why would you think I wouldn't?"

"Because Loren, it doesn't seem like you're trying to hard to get it all ba-"

"Shush," I half yelled, as Sirius and James plopped down across from us. "We can talk about it later." I said my voice wobbling.

Ava nodded and handed me an apple from across the table, "Eat Loren, you haven't eaten in awhile, I know you must be starved." I nodded at her and gave her a grateful smile before digging into the Shepard's pie I had placed on my plate.

"Hullo Loren" I looked up, food in half chew. James smiled at shyly and I dropped my fork in surprise. "Don't I get a 'hi' back?"

I swallowed the food, my throat searing in pain as the half chewed substance slid down my throat. "Hi" I said and mouthed an, "I missed you."

He cocked his head to the side and ruffled his raven black hair. "I missed you too" James whispered before scooping some food from my plate and shoving it into his mouth.

"Oh how very attractive" A familiar voice said from behind me. It took all I had to not turn around and smile at my cousin. A small thump signified she had sat next to Ava and a metallic clatter suggested she was started to eat.

Lily greeted everyone happily before setting cold eyes on mine; she turned her head as if I wasn't there and engaged in conversation with Remus.

I could feel the hot tears welling in my eyes and I pushed my plate away, trying to swallow the sob that was churning in my stomach. Something kicked at my leg and I popped my head up meeting both James and Sirius' gaze, but before I could even think of what happened Sirius' head was trained back on his napkin.

Had he just kicked me? Or could it have been James? Or someone just was adjusting their leg at the table. I gulped and shook my head to clear my thoughts. My whole body screamed that it was Sirius, I of course wanted it to be Sirius but just because I wanted it to be him didn't mean it was. But there was barely a doubt in my mind that said it wasn't him. I smiled to myself, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was him and no matter how much he hated me he had tried to get me to not cry and to distract me when I needed it most. His best friend abilities were still in his reflexes and it that small thing that brightened my day.

As I gobbled down the last bit of my food and chugged the last of my juice Sirius rose, walking away from the table without saying goodbye to anyone but on his face sat a smile, a warm, sincere smile that you could only see from him was in awhile. Everyone's eyes flew up to Sirius and then back to me, well everyone besides Lily. But before anyone could question the smile on either of our faces a small tap on my shoulder made me break eye contact with everyone else.

I spun around looking into my eyes for the second time that day, "Hey Loren, I thought about it and we need to talk," said my little brother, making my already noticeable smile a little bigger and a little more noticeable.

A/N- Well if you hated it, you're on the same boat as I am but I needed to get this out to you anyway because I felt awful for not having one in so so long. If you liked it, well thank the sweet lord! (:
Now a few things- this chapter has foreshadowing coming out of its arse, being completely honest, there is a TON of it!

thank you that will be all. READ & REVIEW LOVES! <3

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