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Confessions of Adhara Greengrass | Confessions of mental lists, awkward silences and screaming










    Current location: bottom of the first floor staircase.

    I can’t believe I rolled down the whole flight of stairs.

    Scorpius is running down the stairs after me.

    “Are you all right now?” he asks me, panting slightly.

    Of course, I’m all right! I’m perfectly dandy! I just fell down a flight of stairs and before that I told Albus Potter that I’m a lesbian!

    Silence. I’m contemplating throwing my shoe at my idiot cousin.

    “What happened to your eye?” he continues, concerned.

    “A wild beast attacked me.”

    He gasps, in a very feminine way, I might add. “Where is it?” he asks, a little scared now.

    “Probably in the common room… or the dormitory.” I say.

    Scorpius looks around frantically. “Should we alert Slughorn?” he asks me, nervously.

    “I don’t think he’ll understand how Eleanor is a wild beast.”

    Silence. Again.

    I really do hate these awkward silences. Some Muggles even say that everytime a there’s awkward silence a gay baby is born.

    I think I should make a mental list of things I hate to organize my thoughts.

    Good idea, Adhara.

    Adhara Greengrass’s list of things she hates:

(1) Awkward silences.
(2) Eleanor, or as I will now refer to her as, the wild beast.
(3) Staircases.
(4) A stupid boy with messy black hair. And green eyes. And a girlfriend called Gemma. I can’t even say his name.
(5) Blemishes.
(6) Gemma. And her stupid blonde hair and her stupid yellow prefect’s badge and her stupid boyfriend who I will no longer address or acknowledge as a person and —

    What on earth is Scorpius going on about now?

    “Look, all I was trying to say was that I think its fine that your door swings the wrong way. You didn’t need to try and kill yourself, Adhara. Being a lesbian is no reason to be suicidal. There are plenty of — girl fish in the sea…”

    I think I’ll just make a mental list of the reasons why I may kill myself.

    Eight reasons why I may kill* myself:

(1) I pushed my infatuation into the Black Lake.
(2) I told him I was a lesbian, even though I am not. I am in love with a boy for Merlin’s sake! Unless Albus turns out to be a girl... I would be very surprised by that, though.
(3) He thinks I’m serious.
(4) My very daft cousin thinks I’m seriously a lesbian. And he’s also concerned that I’m suicidal. Honestly.
(5) I think I may have broken my leg when I tripped down the stairs.
(6) I have a black eye from my row with Eleanor. She’s a beast.
(7) I have a lurker lurking on my previously spot-free skin. It must be due to stress.
(8) It’s on my nose.

    *I am not suicidal. I may just move to Iceland and never show my face ever again. I’m sure the puffins in Iceland will be better friends than Eleanor. At least they won’t punch me. Or tell my secrets.

    … Are there even puffins in Iceland?

    I take my mind off of my mental lists to tune into what Scorpius is saying…

    “Its fine, I’ll stand by your decision to — erm… like girls. Now we even have something in common! We both like girls,” continued Scorpius, cheerfully.

    Oh, Bloody Hell.

    “Scorpius, I am not a lesbian!”

    “Adhara, you can trust me. Your secret is safe with me.” He mimes zipping his mouth and throwing away the key. How queer this boy is, really. “Don’t lie to me. You just can’t keep yourself all bottled up… you have to let your true self… come out!” he says, gaily.

    Merlin.

    “Scorpius, shut up.”

    “No, Adhara. I will be supportive through this… endeavor.”

    “Scorpius, I am not a lesbian!”

    “Yes… you are. Albus told me! Are you suggesting that my best mate lied to me, Adhara?”

    “No, Scorpius. I am not. I am saying that I lied to him. Because, he’s knows that I like him... and it’s awkward and… argh!”

    “Have you considered seeing a therapist?”

    …And the award for the dumbest idiot goes to… Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy!

    No surprise there, folks.

    I get up and face Scorpius. “You’re an idiot.”

    “What? Me? I was trying to be nice… and supportive!”

    “There’s nothing to support!”

    “All right!”

    “Okay!”

    “Nothing?”

    “Shut up!”

    “All right… I was just making sure —”

    “Scorpius… if you know what’s good for you, you will not speak.”

    “I wasn’t…”

    “I have battled wild beasts, don’t test me.”

    “Eleanor’s not wild… or a beast.”

    “You just keep talking there, buddy…”

    “Shutting up now.”



*





    And now I find myself doing the inevitable.

    Going to dinner. Where Gemma and Albus will be. And no doubt Eleanor, wild beasts do need proper nourishment after all.

    Upon entering the Great Hall, I head for the Slytherin table. There is no sign of the wild beast. No sign of Ken and Barbie either. Fantastic. I smile cheerily at my fellow Slytherins who look at me oddly because I normally never interact with any of them. I really do need to be more social. Goal: be more social. Okay.

    I sit down at my usual spot.

    I begin helping myself to some food. As I begin eating, the boy who I will not name and ugly blonde Barbie walk in, ugh. And they just have to sit right in front of me.

    Joy to the world, Merlin must hate Adhara.

    I smile my big phony smile and Gemma smiles back. Lord, she is weird. Well, so are her parents. That must explain it. I avoid the boy-who-must-not-be-named’s stare and look down.

    All right, If I could just find a way to subtlety leave the table…

    “Hello, Adhara, where’s Eleanor?” asks Gemma, in an ugh, nice way.

    Stupid nice badger.

    I hate stupid Hufflepuffs, with their yellow robes and loyal qualities.

    I wonder why I wasn’t put in Hufflepuff…

    I could be loyal, except for the time I pushed Eleanor into a ditch and then ran away and left her there.

    I could be modest, if I wasn’t so good-looking.

    I’m honest, I always tell Eleanor when she wears ugly clothes or puts her hair up… okay, maybe that’s being blunt.

    I’m friendly, except to Scorpius… and Moaning Myrtle, but, come on! She's a bathroom stalker and she doesn't let anyone use her toilet.

    I’m kind, when I need to be, otherwise I’m just a complete cow.

    I’m hard-working… sometimes, when I’m not with Eleanor and I need to work with someone else or by myself.

    I’m pleasant, oh, right, no, I’m not.

    All right, shut up, brain! We get the point! I could never be a Hufflepuffian… although, I don’t know who would ever want to wear yellow everyday.

    Oh, well. At least I’m sly, crafty, cunning, clever, funny, ambitious and quick-witted. And I do look good in green and silver.

    Okay. Better answer her question.

    “You mean the wild beast?” I say.

    “I beg your pardon?” she asks, confused. She's so dumb and yellow, like a duck. I don't like ducks. But, I guess its not her fault, dumbness is hereditary. Professor Longbottom is quite... how do put this delicately? Oh, right, weird.

    “What beast?” asks Albus.

    “The one who’s name is Eleanor.” I say. They both look confused. Maybe I should just stop talking about the wild beast. Good plan.

    “Well, have you seen the igloos in Canada?” I ask to no one in particular.

    “Yes,” answers Scorpius, sliding onto the bench across from me next to Albus. “Mum said they were made entirely of real ice!” he says excitedly.

    Well done, Einstein.

    We sit in awkward silence. I should stop coming to meals. Albus is looking at me confusedly. Scorpius is the only one speaking gaily about some bizarre muggle contraptions called iPods. What an odd boy, really. His whole family are pureblood obsessed, yet he’s obsessed about all weird muggle inventions. I bet he even bought one and keeps it hidden from his parents. Loser. Gemma is pretending to listen intently and is nodding her head ever now and then, smiling falsely.

    And then in walks the wild beast. Oh, lovely.

    She better not come sit here. Please don’t sit here. Please don’t sit here. I cross my fingers.

    And she sits down. Right next to me. I really need to learn how to repel people.

    The wild beast doesn’t say anything to me. She just turns to the others and begins talking animatedly.

    I need to get out of here. Now.

    Scorpius is talking, “I’ve started a club,” he says.

    What a strange individual.

    “It’s to fight prejudice.”

    Oh… I don’t like where this is going.

    “It’s called the Anti-prejudice club.”

    Oh, how original.

    “What started this idea?” asks Eleanor.

    “Seeing prejudice,” answers Scorpius, “Affecting the people I care about.”

    Oh my god. He can’t be serious. Albus looks uncomfortable.Git, he shouldn't of told my genius cousin.

    “Who do you know that’s facing prejudice?” asks Eleanor, curiously.

    “Well… my cousin.”

    Well, I’m practically his only cousin. Besides my brother, Auburn, who is an idiot (it runs in the family) and who no longer attends Hogwarts.

    Everyone turns to me.

    My life sucks.

    Eleanor is getting all huffy. She looks like she’s trying to speak but no words are coming out. “What prejudice are you facing? You never tell me anything.”

    “That’s because you can’t keep your gob shut.”

    “I can!” she shouts defensively.

    Oh, god. Well, why doesn’t she just scream louder? She’s only gotten the attention of the entire Great Hall. This is like déjà vu.

    “And what are you being prejudiced against anyway?” she shouts.

    Oh, my. All the pairs of eyes in the Great Hall are staring at us now. Lord, haven’t they ever heard of minding their own business? Nosy Hogwartians.

    “Nothing!”

    “It is something, you can’t keep it bottled up,” says Scorpius.

    Oh, please don’t talk.

    “What have you been keeping from me?” Eleanor asks crossly. “I tell you everything!”

    Uh-oh. I can’t even answer her. Because, Scorpius is about to speak. I don’t like where this is going. I pick up the pie covered in whipped cream from the table and prepare myself.

    “She’s a… she’s a lesbian, Eleanor.”

    I grasp the pie in my hands and aim it at Scorpius’s face. There is a soundly noise as the pie hits Scorpius’s face and every one just stares in shock. The pie covers his face and some of the jam lands in Gemma’s hair.

    Silence. The whole hall is silent. Everyone hears the crash of the pie plate hitting the floor.

    Eleanor’s mouth has formed an o-shape, she looks too shocked to speak. Albus looks down at his lap. Gemma looks confused and the jam trickles down her hair.

    Silence, still.

    Scorpius is wiping the pie from his face, smearing it all over as he does.

    “You’re a… lesbian?” asks Eleanor.

    Everyone in the hall is murmuring or looking shocked at me.

    “NO I AM NOT!” I scream at her. And I turn to everyone in the Great Hall.

    “Just so you all know… I’m not a lesbian,” I say calmly, pushing a lock of my hair back in my ponytail. I walk out of the Great Hall with all of the dignity I have left. Which is nothing.

    Behind me I hear Scorpius say. “The Anti-prejudice club will meet on Thursdays at 7:00 in the…”

    Scorpius will be first on my list to kill.

    I walk quickly towards the staircases and try to breathe normally.

    I reach the first floor where I meet a most terrible fate: Peeves. He’s smiling gleefully. I’ve heard people talk about their nasty encounters with Peeves. The fates have really dealt me a crappy hand.

    “Hello, young Slytherin, are you in the mood for a little splash?” asks Peeves.

    I see a hovering bucket, water splashing out of its sides.

    No way in hell.

    “NO, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR ‘A LITTLE SPLASH!’ I TOLD THE BOY I’M IN LOVE WITH THAT I’M A LESBIAN TO HIDE MY FEELINGS FOR HIM AND THEN MY LOVELY COUSIN TOLD THE ENTIRE SCHOOL THAT I’M A LESBIAN TOO! SO, NO, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD TO BE DRENCHED BY A PORTLY GHOST!” I scream at him, hair flying and red-faced.

    Why, yes, I am insane, thank you for asking.

    He looks scared. Good. His eyes are wide. He floats away quickly.

    I sigh and all I can think about is locking myself in my dormitory forever.

    And I turn around and who else is standing there? Albus Severus Potter.

    I close my eyes and exhale. It just keeps getting worse and worse.

    “Please, just don’t say anything.” I say.

    “Okay,” he says.

    He walks closer. What is he doing? And he wraps his arms around me and hugs me.

    Okay, maybe my life isn’t all that bad.

    Uh-oh. I feel a sneeze coming on. He’s holding me so tight and I don’t get the feeling he’s going to let go anytime soon…









Author’s Note Thankyous for reading! Review please :)

ps. I have nothing against lesbians whatsoever. Please don’t be offended by this chapter and the previous one. It’s just because Adhara telling Albus that she was a lesbian was a major bad thing for her situation. And she’s freaking out, she’s not a homophobe.

Okay, I'm done.

chapter image by Ande @ TDA.

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