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While standing in front the bathroom mirror each morning it was easy to convince myself that it was just never meant to be. We just didn't match, that we were just too different. For a while I had played by his rules becoming carefree and spontaneous but it wasn’t me. Skipping classes wasn’t me. Lying to my friends wasn’t me. Detention definitely wasn’t me. 

It had just been a little fun. A well played out bit of fun. Almost six months of fun.
I was convinced. 

Then I saw him I was suddenly reminded that there would be no secret meetings or shared smiles across the classroom. I was at a loss of what to do. 

And it didn't help that he was suddenly everywhere. 

Avoidance became my best policy. It may not have been a long term solution but I also thought I would get over it. It had to end sooner or later and six months was definitely longer than I had ever expected. 

I thought it was over but ending things did definitely not put a stop to people talking. I could avoid James but I could not avoid everyone in the school. I kept my head down in hallways; I stayed quiet in classes and ate alone. There was nothing else I could do. I was already a pregnant prostitute that had to use potions and spells to keep a guy interested so what else could they say? 

But almost a week later while I was thanking the heavens that it was almost the weekend, people had started whispering something new. There was a new mood around the school; people were actually casting me sympathetic looks. For a moment I thought the pregnancy rumour may have taken off. 

In the great hall I spotted James easily as I always did. He was uncharacteristically slumped in his chair, keeping in eyes down like an attempting to blend in; something James Potter usually strived to do the complete opposite of. When someone spoke to him I expected him to snap out of it, to greet them with his usual inane grin. Instead his smile was grim as he accepted what ever they said. 

I was confused. I did not understand what was going on. 

Someone touched my arm and I whipped around. The girl smiled at me. “Absolutely pathetic what he did.” 

“Deplorable.” Her friend agreed. 

I wanted to ask what he had done. I was on my way over when Sirius Black got in my way. “What -- ” I asked as I was dragged back out of the great hall. I was ignored until I forceful wrenched my arm from his grasp. “Sirius! What is going on?”

“Hey Lily, have you heard the goss?” He asked in an over excited sing-song voice. “Apparently James Potter made the whole thing up.” 

Say what? 

“So, like, he is so in love with you that he just pretended you were having some sort of secret affair. He was just that desperate. How pathetic right?” 

Well that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard. “Who started it?” I asked, although we both knew I already knew the answer. 

“James did.” He said dropping the act. “And by making sure people like Mary Macdonald knew he had it spread around the school before breakfast.” He shrugged his shoulders. “So everything is back to normal now. Just like before.” He said. I had the sinking feeling those were James’ words and not his. 

They stung. 

I couldn’t speak. I had no idea what to say to the idea of James Potter turning himself into today’s gossip to spare me. I did however have a sudden appreciation to what he must have putting up with this morning. Sirius though apparently thought he still had a point to make, letting me know exactly what kind of a person he thought I was. 

I nodded along even though I had only heard half of his speech. I didn't need him to tell me all this. I already felt horrible. 

Every time I saw James that day I wanted to tell him I was sorry, tell him that everything had just sort of tumbled out of control and I hated it. 

A million times I almost walked over to him, with prepared to at least say something but then I lost my nerve. He would just look at me with this sad half smile and shrug as if to say; hey, this is what you wanted. 

What I really wanted to do was to scream at him. It was the complete opposite of what I wanted. I didn't like anything about this situation I had created. 

I didn't like the way he kept his eyes down in the hallway as people teased him. I didn’t like that it was my fault that if I had been able to do that at the start none of this would have happened. 

And I didn’t like that I can’t tell him any of this. I didn't like that we didn't even talk anymore.
We hadn’t spoken since Monday night. 

By the following Sunday I was loosing my mind. 

People must have noticed as when I emerged from the shower Tina and Mary were waiting to talk to me. I immediately had a very bad feeling. 

“What?” I demanded somewhat rudely when it got just a little too awkward. I was waiting for them to act, to do or say anything. Finally Tina Lancrey shot me a sympathetic look and patted the spot next to her on the floor, inviting me to sit. I did so trying desperately not to appear scared. 

Was I scared? Oh yes. This was the girl who could be your friend one minute and be tearing you down behind your back the next. There was no loyalty. 

“Mary told me everything.” 

I glanced at Mary and she nodded, loving the spotlight. 

“Everything what?” I asked quietly, not sure if I really wanted an answer. 

“How James asked me to change the story.” She replies smugly. 

Well that was news to me. “What story?” 

She sighed patiently. “You don’t have to pretend, silly.” She said, climbing down from her bed to sit in front of me. “And you don’t have to worry about us letting this secret out either.” 

Oh, good another secret? I was sick of the word. Secret. It was marred. 

“But you have been miserable for days.” Tina prodded. “And I don’t think he is much better.” 

I nodded slowly. “It’s bit of a mess.” 

“I don’t really understand.” Tina frowns. “Why?” 

I try to explain it as best as possible. How things just escalated. How it really started and the how it really ended. I told them how he was a completely different person to the one I knew before. How when he wasn’t showing off to his friends he was the sweetest person. 

It was nice to have someone to listen even if it was Mary and Tina. 

“It was kind of sweet what he did.” Tina told me afterwards. 

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. It was sweet in a totally moronic kind of way. 

A completely James way. 

“I miss him.” I admitted. 

“Then fix it.” Mary told me pragmatically. I didn't think it was that simple. The situation wasn’t messed up, I had messed up. I didn't even know how to begin to fix things. I couldn’t just walk up and tell him I wanted to take it all back. 

"I haven't spoken to him in six and a half days!" I whine.

Mary smiled. "I would start with hello then."

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