I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the rush of your skin
I miss the still of the silence
as you breath out and I breathe in
Come on, get higher- Matt Nathanson
Three days, three long days. That's how long it has been since the day I left the infirmary. Three days since I lost a best friend, a boyfriend and gained a brother and the secrets that came with him. It wasn't as if I wanted to keep track of the days on the contrary, actually, it was driving me mad as the days went by. The three days that had passed were becoming increasingly hard. The first day was in fact the easiest, the weight of the situations was new but as the days passed the pain ebbed over me and made it hard to breathe. The only relief I had to this was that my brother was home but then he had secrets and skeletons in his closet that he wasn't so willing to tell.
I had become fond of thinking over each individual problem and thinking of different scenarios to go to.
It had been three, almost four days, since I have talked to my former best friend, Sirius Black. Now, seeing as we had, Potions, Defense against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, Astronomy, Charms and Care of Magical creatures together, not seeing him was near to impossible. Actually it was impossible also being, we shared a common room and ate at the same table, oh and the little glitch in sharing the same friends.
The main thing, though, is my class schedule insures we see each other everyday being, Mondays I have: Ancient Runes (Lily, Remus and.... Sebastian.) then Potions (Lily, James, Peter, Remus, Ava, and Sirius) then Herbology (Remus and James) Transfiguration (Lily, James, Remus, Peter, Sirius, Sebastian) then Care of Magical Creatures, (Sirius) and then lastly Arthimancy (Lily, Remus, Ava) So Mondays I see Sirius at least three times.
Tuesdays: I have break the first two periods, then Herbology (James and Remus) then transfiguration (with everyone but Ava) then Care of Magical Creatures, (Sirius) and then I get break but Care of Magical Creatures is technically my last class of the day.
Wednesday: I have Runes (Lily, Remus and Sebastian) Potions, (Lily, James, Peter, Remus, Ava, and Sirius) then Defense Against the Dark Arts, (Sirius, James, Lily, Peter, Remus) Transfiguration (everyone bedsides Ava), Care of Magical Creatures, (Sirius) and Arthimancy, (Lily, Remus and Ava)
Thursday: I have two periods of History of Magic (Lily, Remus, Sebastian, and Ava), Herbology (James and Remus) Transfiguration, (Everyone but Ava) Charms (Lily, James, Remus, Peter, and Sirius) and then break.
Friday: Break for one period, Potions (Lily, James, Peter, Remus, Ava, and Sirius), Dark Arts (Sirius, James, Lily, Peter, Remus) Transfiguration, (everyone but Ava) then Charms, (Lily, James, Remus, Peter, Sirius) and then Arthimancy (Lily, Ava, and Remus)
And then on Tuesday and Thursday at midnight I have Astronomy with everyone. James, Peter, Remus, Sirius, Lily, Ava, Sebastian. The reason for such an odd schedule is because of all the different classes students are taking and also because this year a lot of students had to drop classes due to not having an acceptable grade in their, Owl’s
But back to the matter at hand.
It had been three days of not talking to Sirius, who until then was my best friend. It's hardly fair; I couldn’t understand how the world had flipped in such a small amount of time. How was it fair that one bloke could kiss me, regret the kiss, make me want to kill him, kiss him and hate him?
How stupid could I be? Now, I know I'm not the fastest broom in the cupboard but to let any of this happen was absolute codswallop. I've known Sirius long enough to know relationships our jokes to him and he gives kisses out like they are candy, but to me? His best friend? Then after kissing me he loses the bollocks to do anything else and then nobly remembers his girlfriend, what hippogriff shit that it, and then to make me feel like the bad guy by guilting me about Sebastian, absolute shit. Sirius had kissed me and then took it all back and claimed to not be thinking, he got caught up in the moment. He is so full of it.
And just to add to it, I had to tell him to hit the bricks and he listens. Sirius never listens and the one time he does, was the one time I didn't want him too. How in the name of Merlin did I expect us not to see each other, we share the same bloody common room. But no, some how Sirius manages to amble around the school with his other Marauders, pretending like nothing ever happened and denying my existence. But I know him better then that, he knows I'm here. We would catch each other sometimes, green eyes meeting grey but then Sirius would look away, pretending I was just another face in the crowd, pretending to not see me, which I think is far worse then pretending I don't exist, simply because he couldn't stand to look at me.
I missed my best friend and the pain in my chest just deepened by the day and then I had to deal with the problem that his lips touched mine and it had been something I had wanted for god only knows how long. Now I had to try and pretend as if that hadn't happened either. I had to ignore the memory of complete passion that had us deepen the kiss and the longing that was there when his hands reached my waist. How could Sirius say it was a mistake, bloody lying git.
Speaking of gits, my brother hasn't spent more then five minutes with me since the conversation that occurred.. three days ago. Him, being a year younger then me, was never in any of my classes and had Owl’s this year so he had a large amount of homework or at least that was always his excuse. He had told me nothing of his whereabouts and writing to my mother wasn't worth it and she was fit to not tell me anything.
But I knew wherever and whatever he had been doing had something to do with my father, which terrified me because of the dreams I had been having.
Then to my last problem, Sebastian. Bloody wanker he was. After pushing me down the sodding stairs he expects to wiggle his slimy self back into my life with a note.
I pulled the paper out of my robe pocket, where it had sat for the last three days and opened it, smoothing out the creases. I looked up and around my transfiguration class, my eyes settling on the back of Sebastian's head, where he sat trying to change a turtle into a spoon. I looked back down to my own turtle, whom I had half-heartedly turned and now took on the silvery sheen of silverware.
I gave up trying to change my turtle and threw a cautious look at the parchment on my desk. It would be one of the hundredths of times that I had read it. I didn't even know why I had bothered to open it, I had it down by heart but the small, scratched letters always pulled me to it.
‘Loren,’ I wanted to ignore the deep words, everyone knows when you ignore something long enough, it just goes away. Stop lying to yourself loren.
My hands shook and I started again,
Before you crumple this and throw it away, please listen to me. Loren I would never hurt you, I would never think to hurt you and you must know that, somewhere. I beg you Loren. I love you, I love you, more and more each day, to be without you is something, that I, I could not even comprehend to think of. You are a friend, a confidant and the love of my love. You are so much to me, hurting you would hurt me and I am no masochist. I understand how you could have been deceived, hitting your head might have confused you or whatever thoughts that Black put into your brain. He is a master of trickery and a conner of the sorts. He has some hold on you and I don't blame you, I know you are sorry for cheating on me and I completely forgive you, now please can you find it in your lovely, gentle heart to forgive me for the argument we had previously and don't even give a second thought to the stairs incident I have forgiven you for this silly little mishap. So Loren, baby please, please, if you love me please meet me at the astronomy tower, I will be there every night at midnight.
Love, Always, Forever,
Sebastian.I let out a shuddering breath and tried to let the sob roll out of me quietly. I had debated every night since I had received the letter, whether or not to go. I had even made it as far as the 3rd floor stair case and then I would turn around, letting my feet find their way back to the common room. I knew the honorable thing to do would be to talk to him, Sebastian, that is. And for about ten minutes every night I had honor but then my fear would kick in and I would sadly become the coward with no backbone or bravery again. I couldn’t be noble or brave and it definitely wasn't the nerve or chivalry that put me here in Gryffindor.
If anything I belonged in Hufflepuff but maybe not. I mean, I'm not patient in the least and as for loyal, I just lost a best friend, was it not self-explanatory? Ravenclaw is a no, I'm not one of those too-smart-for-their-own-good gits, I'm not saying I'm a complete prat, I do have some higher level classes and I make decent grades but I'm not bookish or ready and willing with a smile on my face to do work. And as for Slytherin, that's obvious, I do not and will not support any of that dark art, he who must not be named shit.
So where does that leave me? I don't belong in any of the Hogwarts Houses, I'M HOMELESS!
I rolled my eyes at the over dramatic thoughts and wiped the tears that had slipped down my cheek, away. I had had enough of this stupid crying and jumbled thoughts stuff. It was simple, either, I forgave him enough to see him and believe he didn't push me down the stairs, or I could stay in the place I was and be completely miserable. The obvious answer was to go and met him but the smarter way was to not risk it and not even go near him.
But who said affairs of the heart had to be smart? I sighed inwardly, I sounded like a bloody soap opera.
I folded the note, sticking it in my binder, amongst the stacks of other papers and I looked down at my metallic, silver turtle that had crawled about a foot away. Grabbing my wand I said the incantation with a bit more heart then last time and watched my turtle turn into a small, intricately embellished teaspoon.
The bell rang just as I was finished and I collected my papers, binder and bag and waited for my cousin at my table.
"So, did you transfigure your turtle?" She asked lightly though you could tell she had something else to say. I nodded and raised my eyebrows, coaxing her on, "Oh well, me too and I got to move on to turning frogs into the actual china."
I laughed, "Only you would be that excited about turning a toad into a teapot."
"Frog." She corrected and I turned my head to stick my tongue out at her. She nudged me with her elbow and slipped through the door after Remus and James. I did the same but caught my toe on the door stopper, lurching forward and scattering all of my papers across the floor. I landed on my hands and knees, feeling the dull throb throughout my arms and legs, "Ouch." was the only thing I could say, I looked up through my curtain of hair at Lily, James and Remus, who all stood five feet away, staring behind me.
I flipped over, curious at what they were looking at. I could feel my heart swell, and then drop at the site. Sirius walked towards me with his bimbo of a girlfriend, he looked down to the trail of papers, letting his eyes find their way to me, who sat at the end of the trail. I knew I was blocking the door but I was in too much shock to move. I had two thoughts at that moment, the first was, ‘I wonder if he will help pick up my papers ‘and the second was,’ Wow he looks rough’
Sirius gave me a once over, lacing his fingers through Tanya's. He gave no indication of helping me and just stepped over my legs, ignoring my presence." Bloody wanker" I muttered, loud enough for him to hear. He narrowed his stormy eyes at me and pulled Tanya harder to step over my legs too. The hate that filled me brimmed over and as she stepped over me in her kitten heels, I brought my knee up, catching her foot and watching her eyes widen as she lost her balance, coming down in a wide arc, across my legs.
I watched Sirius whip around, thunderstorms in his eyes; I pulled my legs from underneath Tanya's and stood, straightening my skirt and jumper. "Oops." I said, a sinister smile playing across my lips. I 'accio-ed' my papers into a pile in front of me and shoved them into my bag with haste. I glanced over at Tanya, who had just stood up, dusting off her hands. "Bitch" She spat across to me and I watched the faces of my friends change from utter surprise to sheer hatred.
"Are you talking to, me?" I asked with complete innocence.
She rolled her over done eyes, "Yes, you. You're the only bitch in this room aren't you?"
I narrowed my emerald eyes and pursued my lips, "No," I said, "Sirius knows a lot about being a bitch but as for you, Hun, better to be a bitch then a slut."
Lily moved behind me, James and Remus building a bridge between the two groups, not choosing a side. I took a step forward, challenging Tanya. She too stepped forward, "Well even if I am a slut, at least Sirius likes it." She gave me a wink and pinched Sirius' arse.
I let out a little laugh, "Yeah but, Sirius would take any scum of the earth that would promise to give him a good shag and suck his--"
"Oye!" James called, "Please, not so vulgar Lor dear, you’ll scar me."
"You’re only jealous that he didn’t want you." Tanya quipped and stepped closer.
"Oh yeah, I’m so jealous. I mean he just snogged me because he didn’t want me.." I moved closer, pushing Remus to the side. Tanya gapped at me, her eyes in disbelief and shock, "Oh and he was’ not wanting me’ while you two were together. So if you put that together that means he must have been cheating on you."
The only thing I felt was absolute power, power over another person. I was being mean and sadistic and I liked it, I had felt so much that I was breaking and I was becoming cold. I was getting a high off the awful truth, I looked over at Sirius who hadn’t taken his eyes off me, and he looked at me like he would a stranger, someone he didn’t recognize. And I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t me anymore, he hurt me beyond measure I wasn’t his Loren, his best friend, Lily’s cousin Loren, I wasn’t best friend to Ava or Remus or James. I wasn’t Sebastian’s ‘love’. I was Loren, I was hurt and walked all over, I was Loren and that’s all I was. I had changed in the last few weeks; I was hard on the outside and shattered on the inside.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still best friend to Ava, Lily, James and Remus but that wasn’t my title anymore.
Tanya had taken this moment to talk, her normal perfectly straight hair was bushy and her clothes wrinkled and I realized then and there, she wasn’t giving up, Tanya wasn’t a person who gave up. She had the rich, pure-blood crazed lifestyle and the Gryffindor ego which was a lethal combination. She stepped closer, a foot away and looked me right in the eye, holding her head high.
"You’re just an awful, boyfriend stealing, mudblood." She smiled too, the same smile I had plastered to my face. But in that moment I snapped, lost any resolution. I watched Sirius’ mouth fall open and I felt Lily tense behind me. I seen James and Remus look at each other and then my mind went blank. I lunged forward, sinking my nails into the soft fleshy part of her face and I felt James and Remus throw their arms around my waist, pulling me away. I kicked at them, feeling my converse scuff someone, "Ouch Loren, stop." Lily said.
I wriggled forward, moving my fingers towards her eyes. Remus and James pulled me back again but I grabbed her nose, keeping a good grip. "You stupid, good for nothing, pure-blood maniac. I hope the ground swallows you, you git!"
Sirius stepped forward, placing his hands over mine and loosening them, having no luck he opened his mouth, "Loren, stop."
Sadness ran through my veins, making the contents of my stomach churn and burn the back of my throat. I let go of Tanya, looking at the eight bloody gashes on her face. I fell back, my body weak and I stood up, pushing the guy’s arms away from me. "Haven’t I heard those words somewhere before, Sirius?" I grabbed my bag from the floor and walked away, leaving the two groups to stare at Sirius. The pain that was etched across his face didn’t even phase me.
Checking to make sure Ava and Lily were asleep, I threw the covers off of me, grabbing my cloak, I had ten minutes to make it the astronomy tower before midnight. I crept to the door, quietly, not wanting to wake the two light sleepers. I hopped down the stairs, jumping over the creaky, loose boards. I made my way into the quiet common room, my eyes adjusting to the orange glow that came from the dying embers. I heard a noise to my left and spun around, looking for someone or something, but nothing was there so I opened the door gently, trying not to wake the fat lady.
I ran down the fourth floor corridor, my footsteps light as not to make a sound. The clock above the great hall tolled midnight, making the hairs on my arms stand up. It was eerie to be alone in the dark, the faint remnants of moonlight leaving squares of light on the ground. I stopped at the stairs that led to the Astronomy tower and swallowed the bad taste in my mouth.
"Now or never Loren" I said to myself. I tightened the cloak around me and started up the steps. As I made it to the top I was met by the site of Sebastian, sitting with his legs dangling over the edge, his strong form relaxed against the wall and his hair rippled lightly in the cool wind. The moon shone down on him, lighting up one side of his face, showing his handsome features while the other was hidden in the dark and it was hard to imagine him ever being so but scary to look at.
I cleared my throat, "Sebastian." I said and he turned around slowly, the moon playing over him. He jumped down, coming forward, his arms outstretched. I flinched at first but his arms came around me, cradling me, his face in my hair and my arms wove around him, finding their usual place." I missed you." I said in one breathe. Realizing then that it couldn’t have been Sebastian, he wouldn’t hurt me like that, I know it.
"I missed you too, more then you can believe. Please Loren, don’t believe what you think. I wouldn’t hurt you." I nodded into his chest, kissing it lightly and moving up to his lips, pecking him once.
"I believe you, I’m sorry I ever doubted you, I was so lost and so confused. I’m sorry I cheated on you; I never would want to hurt you. Sirius plays no threat to you. I promise you that, he was a crush you are the real thing, some one I couldn’t be without."
Sebastian kissed my forehead, "I couldn’t ever be without you either Loren, I forgive you, water under the bridge. But please, before I lose my mind, can I kiss you?" I laughed and nodded
He leaned down and his warm lips touched mine and his hands reached my waist, my hands went to his face and I felt so at home. He deepened the kiss, lifting me up and pressing my back against the wall. I smiled into his lips. His lips moved from mine finding my neck leaving small bites across my neck. I could feel the blood rush to my face and everything around me was warm and hazy. I brought his face back up to my lips, letting my tongue graze his bottom lip, asking entrance. He opened his mouth to me and his teeth nibbled my bottom lip, making me let out a muffled moan.
His hands pushed my shirt up, leaving warm trails where his fingers touched. I shivered lightly and tightened my grip on him. I pushed my hands up his shirt, letting my fingers trace the contours of his chest, he braced me against the wall and pulled his shirt away, my eyes raked his perfectly shaped chest. I kissed his neck hungrily and moved to each shoulder blade. He lifted a finger to my chin and looked me in my eyes, Sebastian pulled at the hem of my shirt and I nodded, un-clasping the cloak from my neck. He lifted my shirt up, leaving me in only my bra. The cold air ran over my skin leaving goose bumps in its presence. Before I could shiver though Sebastian’s mouth was planting, hot kisses along my chest and neck.
I dragged my nails across his back, pulling him closer to me. His fingers ran all over my body and to my back, pulling at the hook to my bra. I bite harder then usual into his neck making him moan. I giggled lightly and loosened my legs from him, letting my feet touch the ground. I kissed him once more before grabbing his shirt from the cold, stone ground.
Sebastian looked confused." Did I do something wrong?" He asked, running his hands over my shoulders. I shook my head and laughed.
"No, love but we just made up after a long while and besides do you not realize it’s about 20 degrees out. Also I’m not sure how far I’m ready to go." He smiled, understandingly and wrapped his arms around my cold body giving me my, wrinkled shirt. Sebastian kissed my nose, eyes, temples, then my lips, muttering his words of love into my skin.
I reached up, tracing his features with my index finger, over his perfect nose, around his bright eyes, lightly over his lips. I felt his body shiver as I moved past and I wanted so much to always be this close to him, our hearts open and willing, our bodies places for each other to explore and our souls connected to one another’s wanted to know he would always be mine and I was his. We as each others and no one else's. I wanted to keep the feeling of rightness, the need for the other. The way our hands lingered over each other, our nerves fine tuned and electrified, I wanted to keep that feeling always close to me, open to tap into any minute, to hold in my hand and be in control.
I wanted to know we could always be like this.
"Sebastian, promise me," The hysteria in my voice bubbled up, "promise me, there will always be a place in your arms for me."
He folded his arms around me, tighter, his forehead resting lightly against mine, nose to nose. "I promise you, love, Loren, I promise to not hurt you and to be always what is good for you. I promise, your spot will always be right here." His arms tightened again and he leaned down, kissing the spot right above my heart.
I slipped in my dormitory, my face warm and a smile stuck to my lips. A euphoria ran over me and the option of keeping to myself wasn't conceivable. I tip-toed to Ava's bed, gently waking my 'missing in action' best friend, pulling her over to Lily's bed. I nudged my cousin's arm and pushed her over, sliding between the sheets and Ava after me.
"You guys," I whispered in excited tones, gripping their hands under the duvet, "me and Sebastian are back together." I waited for the sleepy mumblings to end before their realization seeped in.
"WHAT?" Lily shrieked, sitting up, her hair a blur of red. "Have you gone completely nutters? He pushed you down a staircase for lord's sake are you going to wait to break up with him when you're standing on the edge of a cliff?" I snorted at Lily's comment, earning a glare from both Ava and Lils. "This is not funny, Loren Evans. Why in merlins pants would you do this?"
"Calm down! Lily, he didn't do. I know he didn't!" I squeezed her arm reassuringly. "Lily he loves me, so very, very much. I love him too, you guys. I couldn't be without him. He didn't do it, I know."
My cousin rolled her emerald eyes, "Loren, you were positive he pushed down the stairs, now you're positive he didn't? Which one is it? How can you be sure? He could be a danger to you. I will not stand for you being so naive."
"Lily, I'm sure. I know he didn't. I'm not being naive, I love him and I know him. Don't act like you know best, because you don't" My words came out in a hiss.
Ava stood up, walking out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I stared at the door incredulously. What was her problem? Was she mad at me now too? I stood, stamping my foot hard, startling Lily to look back at me. "Can you never be happy for me, truly. You have what you want, you have James. I want Sebastian, I need Sebastian. He didn't do it. I know it. Be happy for me, or just leave me alone." I crossed my arms, waiting for her apology.
Lily's eye went wide in shock, and then narrowed into green slits. She sauntered forward, "Fine Loren, your way or nothing? Then you get as you wish, I will leave you alone, give me the same honor." She turned around, bursting out of the doors, the same as Ava had a minute before. I stood in her wake, completely and utterly lost. Had I just lost both of my best friends?
Ava's point of view.
I stormed out of my dormitory, had my ears deceived me? Was Loren really going to stay with Sebastian. Even if he didn't push her, she had accused him out it, had a solid thought that he had hurt her. I hadn't been around much for my two best friends and I do have reasons for that but I had been set to be around more, help Lor through her break up considering the events but now? Now where am, I mean I agree 100% with Lily, Loren was being naive but I couldn’t leave Loren without someone to lean on, especially without her cousin, she would be lost.
I ran up the stairs, opening the guys bedroom door, stalking quietly to the neatest side of the room. I opened the curtains, wiggling in, trying to not wake the sleeping boy inside. I gently shook him, his eyes moved underneath his lids and his breathing sped up, he was waking up. I leaned back and sat Indian style waiting for him to come to. He stirred again and blinked, once, twice and then stared at me.
"Hello love" He said huskily, sleep deep in his voice. "What are you doing here? Not that it isn't a pleasant surprise."
I blushed, feeling the blood run warm into my cheeks. "Hello Rem." I said and I could still feel the blush coloring my cheeks.
He propped himself up on his elbow, bringing his other hand to cradle my face, pulling me down lightly. His lips found mine in the dark and I threaded my fingers in his tousled, honey colored hair. I pulled away and put a finger to his lips to silence his words of protest. "I, well we, have a problem."
He nodded, motioning for me to continue, "Well" I said, wringing my hands, "Loren is back with Sebastian."
Remus' looked at me and started laughing, "You're kidding, yeah?" I shook my head and he just looked at me.
Before I even had time to register what happened Remus was on his feet "HAS SHE COMPELTELY LOST IT?" He was thundering around, pacing back and forth.
James sat upright out of nowhere, sleep still stuck with him, "Was-goin-non" He rubbed his eyes and looked around, grabbing his wand and igniting all the candles in the room. I closed my eyes, I was close to tears. "Loren took Sebastian back."
James stared at me, I realized then, there had been a lot of blank staring going on that night, and James opened his mouth once, stood and walked across the room and pulled from a heap on the floor a cloak, the invisibility cloak. "I'll kill him." were the only words James spoke.
I laughed nervously and then the tears brimmed over and my laugh turned into a sob. Remus ran over to me, his arms around me, hands flying to my face, wiping away the tears that had fallen down my face and onto my shirt. The guys new about me and Remus, they had found out themselves with that clever little map they own. I had felt bad but the girls still don't know, I couldn't tell them. I don't know exactly why, Remus said it was safer that way and I knew very well in my head I kept this to me because it was my secret it felt so much more mine when I only knew, this was my little lie, my little secret, my little love affair.
Remus kissed my eyes when they had run dry and I hugged him tight to me. My little, love.
I looked to Sirius' bed, surprised that he had been sitting up, listening the whole time. James walked to him, sitting at the edge of his bed, like he was breaking tough news to him, like a death had happened or his favorite comb had been lost.
"Sirius, mate, Loren and Sebastian are back together."
Sirius' eyes never flickered; he opened his mouth the words coming out fluidly and in one monotone sentence. "Yes I knew that."
I raised an eyebrow, Remus and James matching my confused look. I waited for someone to talk, to say something. Nothing. So I said something. "What? How did you know?"
He stood, grabbing his jeans off the ground and digging into the pocket, he pulled out a piece of parchment. The paper had many lines and creases, looking old and worn. He flicked it across to us and it landed in my lap with a soft, whoosh sound. "She dropped it earlier," Sirius muttered and left, his footsteps bounding down the stairs.
And by 'she', we knew who he meant, the only 'she' Sirius had really thought of in the last few weeks. Loren.
Alex's Note- HA! Sebastian didn't push her down the stairs :p! So for all those lovely reviewers who took the time to back-track. You didn't look close enough. I praise you though for being so devoted to actually re-read. And now to my apologies! I'm so so so so sorry for the long wait. I have a very good reason though, my pleasent mother turned off my internet! But after much begging, she got it back (: And I am not satisfied with this chapter at all, there was too much random information that I felt was needed though
So I'm on vacation and I will be writing a lot this week. (It's only monday the 16th) And one last thing, I noticed my readings going up but my reviews going down, come on people! I need reviews!!!! XD
NOW, GO, REVIEW!
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