And now I'm left here waiting
for you to tell me how it ends
if I could only get a kiss
I could make you take a risk
for you to tell me how it ends
if I could only get a kiss
I could make you take a risk
Shine- The morning of (the truth comes out, part two)
I was running, I wasn’t even sure how long I had been running but the stitch in my side protested angrily and the beads of sweat that collected on my forehead threatened to fall. I clutched my side and ignored the cramp working its way up my ribcage. My lungs screamed at me to stop and my legs felt like jelly but I kept pushing, I needed to find someone.
It was a dark, cloudy day and the castle held a sad, eerie feel. The glow of the candles on the wall seemed almost unnatural and as my feet hit the ground the sound reverberated off the walls, filling my ears with the noise. The burning in my throat deepened and I couldn’t run anymore.
I stopped and tried not to collapse. My breath came in uneven, wild gasps and I sat down on the ground, wrapping my arms around myself, afraid I might fall apart at the seams. There on the floor is where the realization hit me; the panic spread through my bloodstream, paralyzing me momentarily and then the sobs racked my body.
The tears rolled down my cheeks without stopping and I could hear the cries coming from my mouth. The hysteria squeezed around me and the fear was almost tangible. People say that truth hits hard and fast but I never actually thought about it.
There was a Lord Voldermort, there were people who actually followed his lead and the wizarding world as well as the muggle world was in serious trouble. And I had to swallow all of that now.
I stood up again, shakily and wiped at my eyes, smearing my eyeliner. I took my wand out of my bag and stuck it in my back pocket, paranoia slipping in. Who could I trust now?
I walked to the end of the corridor and stood at the top of the stairs, I was nervous. I had to tell someone but I didn’t want anyone to feel the anguish and fear that ran through my mind. It had to be done though; there was nothing I could do if I didn’t tell someone.
I heard a creak behind me and I whipped around to stare into the darkness, the candles had went out and I hoped it was only some coincidence or there was a draft but I knew nothing good was about to happen.
As I went to turn, a pair of rough hands pushed me and I lost my balance and right before I fell, I caught the stare of gorgeous, hazel eyes.
Hushed whispers weaved themselves through my mind, mingling with dreams of sad, scared times. I listened to the voices of my friends and tried to claw my way back from my dreams but my eyelids were heavy and my voice was gone.
My head pounded and my stomach rolled as the taste of old blood filled my mouth. Breathing through my nose was impossible, something was blocking the way and I had to breathe awkwardly through my mouth.
“Will she be ok?” I heard a worried, Lily ask. “I swear, completely accident prone, she’s so unlucky. I mean seriously falling down the largest set of stairs in Hogwarts!” James said back to Lily and Lily hiccupped a laugh, she had been crying. Was I really in that bad a condition?
“She will be fine Miss. Evans, now please hold yourself together or I will give you something to make you calm yourself. Now please everyone, this area is much too small for,” She took a second, “Six people, move aside and let me get to her. The sleeping draught should be wearing off and I’m sure she can hear you. Miss. Evans?”
“Yes, Madame Pomfrey?”
“Not you sweetie, your cousin, Loren, Loren..?”
The heaviness that sat on my eyelids, lightened and a hoarse, groan escaped my lips. “Ow.” I whined and sat up. The room spun and I flopped back down. “Make the room stop spinning!” I demanded childishly and received a chuckle from around the room.
“Oh Lor! How are you feeling? Do you know where you are? Do you know who I am? Can you remember what happe-“
“LILY SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!” I screamed and rubbed my temples, noise hurt my head and I massaged my forehead. My hand ran over fabric, wrapped around my head and I stopped, where had that come from?
“Miss Evans, I would expect you to not use such vulgarity in my presence, thank you!” Madame Pomfrey snapped. “Now how are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling confusion! What happened?” Lily’s eyes bugged out and she opened her mouth. “NO! Lily I know I fell down the stairs but what’s wrong with me?”
“Oh well, you have a minor concussion, slight bruising around your eyes and head, you cut your lip, sprained your wrist and have bruises covering a majority of your body.” Lily replied.
“Loren you should be proud, it’s honestly a school record, most injuries received from falling down the stairs!” Sirius snickered and patted my hand.
Of course, only I could fall down the stairs and sustain injuries that people in car wrecks receive. Twice that I had fallen down the stairs today. Fallen? Wait, no I had been pushed I remember now, I was pushed right after I had my fit. Fit about what…? Oh, about the Lord Voldermort thing.
OH MY GOD, THE VOLDERMORT THING!
Over the next few days there was a steady stream of people in and out of the infirmary to visit me, much to Madame Pomfrey’s dismay. Most people came in, in groups and sometimes just one or two people at a time.
Sebastian had come to visit at least twice a day, everyday, carrying a box of chocolate frogs here, or some flowers there. But every time I heard the familiar shuffle of Sebastian’s footsteps, I turned and feigned sleep. It wasn’t that I didn’t not want to see my boyfriend but the accusations he shot at me about Sirius and I haunted me and I was more scared then ever that he could see more then I could.
I loved Sebastian there was no doubt in my mind about that but I also knew that somewhere I was still harboring some type of feelings for Sirius. And that terrified me.
During the last few days I had never felt more loved, I had visits from a ton of Gryffindors, including, Ava, Lily, Remus, James, Sirius, even Peter came to visit once with everyone. A few of my professors had come to give me missed work and make sure I would be ready for the next week’s lessons. Even some random people from my classes came to make sure I was still in one piece.
Every night, during dinner, Sirius slipped up to the ward and brought me food. I made sure at this time I was wide awake, I couldn’t wait till this time every night and I knew I was losing control of my feelings.
Thursday was my fourth night in the infirmary and Sirius had just arrived, ready with a tray of chicken, potatoes, and biscuits. He pushed me over and squeezed himself next to me, so we sat side by side and as I ate he curled a piece of my hair around his finger.
“Sirius, can I ask you a question?” I said, after I had swallowed a piece of biscuit. I turned my head to look at him and the piece of hair he had, slipped from his fingers.
“Well you just did but I suppose you can ask one more.” He reached for more hair and leaned his head back against the pillows.
“Hm, what if I didn’t fall down the stairs, what if I was pushed?” I mumbled.
My words were drowned out as the doors banged open and a girl walked towards me. I didn’t know her and I wondered if she was just bringing me some more class work. As I opened my mouth to greet her, Sirius spoke.
“Hi Tanya” He said and the girl with the strawberry blonde hair walked over, “Hi Baby” She cooed and kissed him on the cheek. I choked on my pumpkin juice and tried to regain some cool composure.
“Who is this?” She asked sweetly and motioned between Sirius and me, with a sour look on her face. I smiled to myself and spoke up. “I’m Loren, Sirius’ best friend. And you are?” I twirled the fork between my fingers and Sirius watched me carefully.
“Oh, I’m Tanya, Sirius’ girlfriend.” She giggled and shook my sprained hand; I winced as she squeezed too hard.
“And I’m Sirius, now that we are all aquatinted, what’s up Tanya?” He smiled.
Tanya smiled back and laced her hand with his, “Oh well I missed you sweetie.”
“I was just with you, ten minutes ago though.” Sirius said
“But I missed you Siri.” She whined and batted her over-done eyes. “Don’t you miss me too?” She puckered her lips. She pulled on Sirius’ hand and he stood up. I fingered the knife along-side my plate and thought of a few names I could call that Strawberry Blonde, Bitc-
“Of course I miss you. I guess I could spend some time with Loren later.” Sirius looked over at me and his eyes pleaded with mine.
Was he really ditching me? Was he actually going to go with her and leave me? His sad, wounded, best friend? I was just about to tell him what really happened and at this crucial time he was abandoning me! “Is that ok, Lor?” He asked and wrapped his arms around Tanya’s waist.
I pulled my face into a contorted smile and I was ready to spit venom, “No of course you can go, it’s completely cool with me. Plus I think Sebastian is going to be coming up soon. Oh Tanya, Sebastian is my boyfriend.” I did my best impersonation of her giggle and turned away from Sirius. “You mine as well go, I won’t need you here.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes and he dragged Tanya away, making promises of ‘seeing me when he had the time’. A loneliness that found its way whenever he left doubled and I wondered, what was I getting myself into?
I sighed and leaned back into the pillows. I never had noticed that Sirius held such a manner with my feelings, sure I knew that he did give me an odd reaction but I never knew I would want to rip the head off the girl he was dating. I knew that I would do anything for Sirius but at the same time I knew I would do anything for Sebastian also. But I needed to draw the line somewhere.
“Hey” I turned to watch Lily walk in with an armful of books.
“Hey love” I smiled at her, “More work?” I asked and pointed to the already three foot high pile mounting at the side of my bed.
She placed the pile down and sat at the edge of my bed. “Yeah, the work-load is getting bigger, just your luck you get hurt during this time.” I nudged her with my knee and stuck my tongue out at her. “Well it’s not really my fault, you see I wasn’t-“
I stopped and thought a second, “Lily” I said and the urgency rang through my voice. “Can you do me something, I know visiting hours are over in, “I glanced at the large clock, “5 minutes but I need you to use your Prefect rights and come down here in about an hour and please you need to bring a marauder, whoever you find first.”
“Why, what’s wrong Loren?” I just shook my head and the click of Madame Pomfrey’s heels made us both jump in surprise.
“Miss. Evans, visiting is now over, I know I won’t have to ask you twice like I do the boys.” She crossed her arms and stared at Lily.
Lily stood and looked at my concern burning in her eyes, “Please Lily?” I said and she nodded, “Yes” and walked out, Madame Pomfrey, closing the large oak doors behind her.
The hour waiting was almost unbearable. Right after Lily had left, Madame Pomfrey gave me my nightly dose of potions, turned the lights out and her, herself went to sleep, biding me goodnight as she went.
I watched the clock tick by, once falling asleep but only waking ten minutes later. At half past twelve the clock chimed, scaring me and I knew Lily and one of the guys should be here soon.
I was pulling at the loose string on the blanket, slowly making a small hole. It was 12:50 and I was nervous that Lily had forgotten. I was about to roll over and just go to sleep when I heard a light shuffling. I looked around, waiting to see them but my eyes met nothing.
“Hello” I whispered and stood up. “Hello?” I asked.
Lily’s face appeared before me and as I opened my mouth to scream another hand cupped my mouth. “Loren ‘SH’, its just Lily and I.” James said and his face appeared next to hers and then their bodies right after.
‘Oh: I breathed and sat back down. I pulled the cloak away from James, “you know I hate this things, don’t you?’ I hissed, he laughed and nodded, sitting on my bed. Lily did the same.
“Now, can you please explain to me why you sounded completely terrified earlier?’ Lily asked and James nodded, wanting to know the story.
I cleared my throat and relayed the story, telling them everything that had happened that awful day.
After I had told them, I sat waiting for them both to digest what I had said. James was the first to say anything.
“YOU WERE PUSHED?” Who was it? I’M GOING TO KILL THEM, YOU COULD HAVE DIED!” I shushed him; if he woke up the nurse we were all dead. And if you think I’m kidding I want you to meet the nurse.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. He certainly was not making this any easier. I opened my eyes to see a flash of red and raven running towards the doors.
Oh my god, I thought, they seriously are going to kill someone. Bloody brilliant.
I scrambled up from my bed, knocking over the sitting chairs on the side. I had no time to get dressed, I quickly glanced around the curtain to make sure the Matron wasn’t awake and then I was off.
I remembered moodily that the last time I was running around the castle like this, it lead up to the serious of events that brought me to the hospital wing. And then to add insult to injury, almost literally, I had just reached the flight of stairs I fell down.
“Oh what the hell” I growled, “Just perfect.” A slur of profanities left my mouth and I hopped down the stairs, gripping tight to the rail. I seen another glimpse of Lily’s hair, turning the corner and I screamed, “STOP RUNNING! YOU CAN’T RUN FROM THE CUNCUSSED!”
“GO BACK TO BED!” James screamed and grabbed Lily’s hand, running faster, if it was possible.
“NOT A CHANCE!” I screeched back and pushed myself harder. My head was starting to hurt and I was getting dizzy. “PLEASE STOP RUNNING SO FAST!” I whined my voice was hoarse; I seriously needed to get into shape.
“STOP FOLLOWING SO SLOW, LOVE!” James laughed and stopped suddenly; Lily skidded to a stop and stood next to him.
“Why-did- you-run-off’ I wheezed. Oh dear god, I seriously needed to work out.
“Togo get the other Marauders, we have to figure out who did this.” Lily said.
“Are you kidding me, it could have been ANYONE in the school with hazel eyes!” They looked at my curiously, “They had hazel eyes, that’s all I seen. Now can you just do what you have to do before I pass out!?”
Back in the infirmary, after I was carried piggy-back by Remus, we were all discussing who could have done it and why. The only explanation that fit was, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
We talked about what I heard from Voldermort’s followers and they told me they had been suspicious of Peter for awhile but they didn’t want him to know, they wanted to figure out as much as possible.
I yawned tiredly and I guess they took that as a hint to leave, everyone that is except Sirius. He stood at the end of my bed and I starred at the ceiling, unwilling to even look at him. I was wondering how long me ignoring him would work before he spoke up, it lasted about two minutes before, “She told me she loved me.”
I took the bait, “Who?” I asked curiously and Sirius walked over, shoving my over and sitting next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned my head against his shoulder, “Tanya.” He replied and I tensed, taking my head of him.
That’s just- great.” I said fiercely.
“No, it isn’t.” I looked up at him and he answered my un-said question. “I don’t love her Loren, sorry to disappoint common belief, but I have never told any girl I have loved them. I wouldn’t want to lie.
“And how did she take it?” I leaned my head back down, feeling even more comfortable from where I was sitting.
He chuckled and pulled his sleeves up, showing me long, raw marks across his skin. “She clawed me, bonkers she is.” I laughed and rubbed his arms, “Poor baby. “I teased.
“Why haven’t you told anyone you love them?” I asked quietly.
“Well, if I tell you please don’t interrupt.” He glanced over at me and I nodded slowly.
“Well you know my family, who doesn’t. They are a bunch of asshole, blood status freaks and I can’t stand the lot of them. Since I was younger I was always the black sheep of the family. I was always the odd one out and it was always a bad thing to them. One day I told them to shove their prejudice thoughts up their arses and I left. I ran away to James’ and that’s history. I know it’s not the whole story and I will tell you that one day but right now all you need to understand is that my life isn’t as perfect as I make it seem.”
“I don’t tell girls I love them is because I can’t really believe in love. If there was love then my parents wouldn’t have hated me so much and I would still be a part of their family and not orphaned.” He nodded his head at me, letting me talk.
“Sirius if you don’t love anyone, why do you go through relationship after relationship, all over and over again? I mean are you just, idunno?” I left my sentence open, waiting for Sirius to answer.
“Compensating” He finished and I nodded “I think so Loren, I think I do it just to feel like someone needs me but when I get myself to far in I run. I don’t want to hurt anyone at all. But I know I can’t love anyone, the only girl I have had come close to loving, doesn’t share the same feeling and I wish so much she would.”
My stomach exploded with butterflies and my heart jumped into my throat. Is he going to tell me who he almost loves? I couldn’t help but wonder if it could have been me, no matter how much I was almost positive it wasn’t and how wrong I knew it was that I wanted it to be me, I still hoped and prayed it could be me.
He rubbed his face in frustration and looked down at me. His eyes held so much emotion, their normal grey a stormy blue. I stared into them, trying to count the emotions; Sadness, wanting, need, compassion, confusion. Everything that mirrored what I was feeling.
His eyes became watery and it broke my heart when it turned into tears. One single drop brimmed over and rolled down his cheek. I groaned and rubbed it away with my thumb, my breathe catching in my throat. Please don’t cry, please. My brain screamed and I wanted to hug him and tell him that his family was disgusting and awful, I wanted to tell him I was here for him and I wouldn’t leave. But some how I think he knew that, I didn’t have to say anything, he just knew.
“Sirius” I whispered, I let my hand linger on his cheek.
And right then and there, was the first time his lips touched mine. He tasted like mint and coffee. The kiss held so much emotion but his lips were soft against mine. His hands found their way to my waist and my one hand knotted him his hair, while the other stayed against his cheek. His tongue traced my bottom lip and opened my mouth, deepening the kiss. I couldn’t stop, I needed this, and I needed him. I was completely happy in this little perfect, blissful world, Sirius’ soft kiss and the lack of oxygen to my brain made me light headed and woozy. And I thought, this is how it’s supposed to be.
I broke the kiss to get air and my perfect, little world broke. I touched my lips, lightly and they were warm under my touch. I reached over to touch his lips too and they were also warm but red and swollen and I knew my lips looked the same.
Sirius jerked back at my touch and a strangled sound left his throat.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I can’t.”
A/N- there chapter 14 is now all the way complete, both parts. What did you think? I hope there was a sufficient amount of, Loren/ Sirius- ness in this. I'm actually very proud of this chapter.
Now reviews would be splendid, because I have notice my read counts going up but a lack of reviews D:
Lastly as mentioned before, I wanted to add more lyrics since last chapter lacked.
I wish you never told me
I wish I never knew
I wake up screaming
it’s all because of you
I wish I never knew
I wake up screaming
it’s all because of you
Scared- Three days Gracethere ya go :)
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