Thanks to Jenna @ TDA for the lovely chapter image!
A/N: This corresponds with "Of Ex-Boyfriends and Heart-Wrenching Emotions" from Stargazing. Enjoy!
“. . . should dump him, I think. He’s smarmy.”
Lily Potter rolled her eyes at her best friend and sighed, shoveling a spoonful of potatoes into her mouth and saying through them, “You found like my fadder, Jacob.”
“I do not. Help me here, Hugo.”
Hugo looked over in a slight panic, clearly having no desire to cross his cousin. “Er, yeah,” he finally said, eyeing Jacob. “He probably only wants to get into your pants.”
“Oh my God,” Lily said, swallowing her lunch and ogling him incredulously. “You did not just say that. And so what if he does? Maybe all I want to do is get into his pants.”
“Oh, me too,” Julia agreed dreamily, eyes glazed over.
“Maybe he’s already gotten into my pants,” Lily concluded, gathering her things and sweeping off. “You’ll never know.”
“Where are you going?” Jacob called after her.
“I’ll be shagging my boyfriend in a broom closet until Potions!”
She stepped into the Entrance Hall and scanned it quickly.
“Hey, Lily Potter.” An arm snaked around her waist.
“Hey, Brian O’Connors,” she greeted, leaning up to kiss him.
His sparkling blue eyes met hers, and he guided her toward the nearest broom closet, opening the door for her like a true gentleman.
A few minutes later, her hands were knotted in his blonde hair, her lips crushed against his. He murmured softly, “Emily-Cat, why don’t you let me give you a tour of my dorm?”
She pulled away, trying to make out his face in the dark. “What did you call me?”
There was a prolonged pause, during which time she could almost see the cogs working under his curls.
“Lily,” he said finally. “I called you Lily.”
“Um, no,” she countered, eyes narrowing, one hand pulling out her wand. “You didn’t.”
“I can expl—”
She twirled her wand lightly, and the spell went unnoticed by Brian. “We’re through, honey.” She patted his arm and opened the door, smirking at the look on his face as she left.
When Jacob, Hugo, and Julia entered the dungeons they were highly surprised to see Lily already there.
“Cut the shagging short, then?” asked Julia. “That sucks.”
“Oh,” Lily said, smiling. “I had to severe it.”
“Oh, lord,” whispered a horrified Hugo.
She rolled her eyes. “I mean the relationship, not his penis, you moron.”
Jacob laughed as Hugo turned a bright pink. Other third years were filing in now, some murmuring about a commotion in the hallway. “Brian’s such an idiot,” one girl was saying.
“What’s going on?” Julia asked her.
“Oh, you’ll see,” Lily and the other girl replied in unison.
Julia and Jacob exchanged worried glances. “Lily,” Jacob said. “What did you do?”
“I’m a sleaze!” Brian shouted, running into the room and looking at Julia.
“What?” she asked.
“I’m a sleaze! I’m a sleaze! I’m a sleaze!”
“Lily!” Jacob cried. “You didn’t, did you?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jacob,” Lily lied primly. “Brian merely decided to come clean about his true nature.”
“Oh, lovely,” Jacob sighed. “You’re the classiest girl I know, Lily.”
She grinned cheekily at him and reached for her textbook.
“Oh, and Lily?”
“You didn’t really sleep with O’Connors, did you?”
“And it’s 320 to 170 to Hufflepuff!” shouted Ollie Henderson above the roars of the crowd. “Gryffindor’s lead has slipped after Kolapski knocked Keeper Jacob Wood clean off his broom and McGonagall was all like, ‘You MUST go to the hospital wing, Wood!’ Anyway, Gryffindor Beaters James Potter and Fred Weasley are getting a little vicious; Potter personally seems to be aiming all his Bludgers at Kolapski. I think he’s shouting profanities at him after Kolapski launched one at Potter’s sister, who dodged it, of course. Gryffindor Chaser Roxanne Weasley has just snagged the Quaffle from Hufflepuff Chaser Erin Toppingham and she’s—oh, it’s been intercepted on its way to Hannah Greene. But the interceptor, George Noomen, has dropped the Quaffle! Wait—Gryffindor Al Potter has seen the Snitch, and he’s diving! If he catches it, Gryffindor will tie with Hufflepuff in this game and lose the championship! Don’t boo, he’s got no choice! Hufflepuff Seeker Carol Corner dives as well! What on earth—? Lily Potter has just dived as well; I don’t know what she’s doing, but I’ve never seen anyone go so fast on a broom, ladies and gentlemen! She’s gripped the Quaffle! She’s got it! This is spectacular! Potter—Lily, that is—is flying straight for Paulie Hamblin, the Hufflepuff Keeper and her boyfriend. Just thought I’d add that for all you parents out there so you could appreciate this moment as much as the students. Potter—Al this time—has almost got the Snitch, and James has hit another Bludger at Kolapski. Lily throws the Quaffle, and it’s good!”
The spectators screamed and shrieked as Paulie’s fingers slipped from the ball and it soared through. Their cheers grew to a deafening level as Henderson added, “Albus Potter caught it! He’s caught the Snitch, fans and foes! Gryffindor wins!”
The entire mass of red and gold leapt to its feet, bellowing and shouting.
“That’s my daughter!” Ginny Potter screamed to the crowd at large. “And those are my boys! What do you say to that, Chang?” She pointed wildly at Cho Chang-Corner.
Harry turned her body back to the pitch embarrassedly and shook his head.
“I can’t believe I missed it!” Jacob shouted, appearing right by the Potter, Weasley, and Wood section of the stands. “I heard the whole thing!”
“You’re all right!” Katie screamed, wrapping her arms around her son.
“Ew, Mum, get off.”
“Those are my nieces and nephews!” Ron was declaring to an alarmed-looking man in the row in front of him. “Did you see them? That was bloody brilliant!”
“Oh, she’s going to give it to him!” shouted Julia suddenly from somewhere in the midst of crazed fans.
Everyone’s eyes turned to the pitch where the Gryffindor team was hugging and yelling; James and Fred had stripped off their shirts and tossed them into the crowds, where a fight had broken out over them. Roxanne and the other Chaser Hannah were chanting something unintelligible, and Al was doing a victory dance. Lily, however, had flown off in the direction of Paulie Hamblin.
“Oh, a spectacle!” Henderson announced loudly; everyone who hadn’t noticed turn to watch. “Let’s take a listen, shall we?” He twirled his wand, and the players’ voices all came through clearly.
The crowd silenced immediately and watched Lily stop in front of her boyfriend of two months.
“You scored the winning goal!” Paulie shouted as if no one had noticed it yet.
“I did, thanks,” she replied easily, grinning.
“But Hufflepuff was supposed to win!”
“Yes! My father had money on it!”
Lily burst into laughter, nearly falling off her broom. “Your father bet on it? What an idiot!”
“He’s sitting right there in the stands!” Paulie cried. “Feel free to tell him that!”
Lily swiveled around and waved cheerily at Mr. Hamblin. “Hey, idiot!”
Harry covered his face with his hands as Ginny laughed.
Paulie frowned at her. “I can’t believe you’d score so I’d lose.”
“Honey,” Lily said, flying back to him and flinging an arm over his shoulders, “I’ve been scoring and you’ve been losing for a long time.”
Harry’s face was one of pure, highly amusing horror.
“You know what?” Paulie said. “I—”
“Oh, no, let me guess!” Lily clapped her hands. “We’re over, right? Because, you know, you’re an arrogant git who can’t lose to a girl, yeah? A girl who kicked your arse straight into seventh year, is that it? I couldn’t agree more, babe.” She pecked his cheek and flew back to the Gryffindor team, who were all watching her in stunned silence.
“We love you, baby sister!” James and Al finally shouted, pulling Lily off her broom and placing her on their shoulders.
“Show that boy who’s boss!” Roxanne grinned, giving Lily a high five. “You are the most awesome little bitch I’ve ever met!”
“Ladies and gents, what do you say to that?” Henderson broadcasted. “Lily Potter is once again single, male population! Do your homework, learn to play Quidditch, and mess up your hair! She likes that whole I-just-got-off-my-broom style, yeah, babe?”
Jacob, Julia, and Hugo had collapsed into fits of hysterical laughter by this point and were clutching each other.
“Oh, lordy!” Julia wheezed. “Oh, lordy!”
“That was brilliant!” exclaimed Hugo, sliding out of his seat.
Jacob, however, said nothing. He was gasping for air and clutching the back of his mother’s seat to keep from keeling over.
“I love the whole I-just-got-off-my-broom style, Henderson!” Lily returned loudly.
“What is wrong with my child?” demanded Harry to no one in particular.
“Will you go out with me?’
“Hear that, everybody? I just got rejected by Lily Potter! How cool is that?”
“Now she’s open for you, Jakie!” Julia yelled.
Jacob straightened up, glaring. “I do not find you amusing, Julia Elizabeth Atkins. Die.”
“Now she’s open for you, Jakie!” bellowed Fred over the roar of the crowd.
“I do not find you amusing, Fred Remus Weasley. Die,” Lily commanded.
“Soul mates,” Julia sighed dramatically.
“I don’t trust him,” Jacob muttered, watching the tall dark-haired boy who was currently making out with Lily in the corner of the common room. “He just wants to shag her.”
“Doesn’t every bloke want to shag her?” Julia asked unworriedly, her eyes fixed on her Charms essay.
“I don’t,” Hugo and Jacob said in unison.
“Okay,” Julia said, exasperated. “Hugo, you’re her cousin. I would hope to heaven above that you wouldn’t want to shag her. Jacob, you’re lying through your teeth.”
“I am not! Is the notion that not every bloke wants to sleep with her that hard to comprehend?”
“Not every bloke wants to sleep with whom?” Lily asked, appearing out of nowhere and dropping onto the arm of Jacob’s chair.
“You,” Julia answered.
Lily pulled a hurt face. “You don’t want to shag me, Jacob?”
“No, I don’t.” He crossed his arms grumpily across his chest.
“Ah, damn. Now I’ve got to think of a new birthday present for you.”
He lifted his eyes to look into hers. “You are not nearly as funny as you think you are.”
She laughed, ruffling his hair. “Oh, Jake. I love you. You’re so adorable when you’re pissed at me for joking about sleeping with people.”
“I just don’t want people saying that my best friend is a slut,” Jacob sulked.
Lily draped an arm over his shoulders. “Jake, snookie, people will say what they want. I won’t worry about what they think. Now, if you think I’m a slut . . .” She let the sentence trail.
He considered saying that he did, though he knew she wasn’t, just to see if she’d stop snogging her boyfriends in front of him. But he grumbled instead, “No. You’re not.”
She was about to reply when Joey Morrissey came up and wrapped his arms around her. “Care for a walk, Lily?” he asked.
She slid off the arm of the chair and smiled. “Sure.” She waved to her friends as she and her boyfriend headed for the portrait hole.
Jacob frowned as they left. “I don’t trust him.”
“You already said that, Jacob. Write your essay,” Julia ordered.
He didn’t move.
She sighed, corking her ink and looking up at him. “What are you more worried about, him wanting to have sex or her wanting to have sex?”
“I—I don’t know. I suppose I’m more afraid of him trying to get her to have sex with him.”
“Liar,” Julia stated. “You’re more worried about her wanting to. Because you and I both know what will happen. If he tries to force her into doing anything, she’ll give him one good one straight to the nuts and a square right hook and put him in his place. You’re worried that she’ll want to, because you know stopping her would be near impossible.”
“But—but—but . . .” Jacob sighed and ran a hand through his thick brown hair. “I hate it when you’re right, Jules,” he finally conceded.
“Yeah, it must suck to be wrong,” she agreed, returning to her essay. “And get to work, Jacob. Lily will be pissed at you if you don’t finish that paper.”
“She’s like my mother,” grumbled Jacob, pulling his assignment back toward him.
“Ew,” Hugo said, looking up. “You want to shag your mother?”
When Lily returned thirty minutes later, she looked highly grumpy and flung herself into the armchair between Jacob and Julia in a huff.
“Was there a row?” Julia asked.
“Did I miss it?” Jacob questioned.
Lily snapped, “Well, Joey was definitely thinking he was going to cross the line tonight, apparently, so I did what any normal girl would do.”
“You slept with him?” Julia guessed.
Jacob and Hugo both looked faint.
‘Any normal girl like me.”
“That’s an oxymoron, babe.”
Lily glowered. “You know what? Shut up.”
“Sorry,” Julia apologized. “Please continue with your enthralling tale of mystery and wonder.”
Rolling her eyes, Lily said, “So I gave him verbal warnings at first—you know, ‘get your hand off my boob’, etc. But, you know, after he stuck his hand up my skirt—Jake, are you okay?”
Jacob was watching her with sheer horror on his face. “He what?”
“Calm down, Jacob,” Julia said. “Lily had it under control, did you not, Lily?”
“Of course I did,” Lily responded as if it were the stupidest question she’d ever heard.
“Few guys are stronger than Lily, you know,” Julia pointed out to Jacob, clearly trying to make him feel better. “You’re probably one of the small number who could overpower her if you really wanted to.”
“How true,” Lily agreed, sizing up her best friend’s tall, muscular frame.
“I won’t ever try to rape you!” he shouted desperately, horrified at Julia’s insinuation.
The whole of Gryffindor Tower turned to look at them at the sound of Jacob’s outburst. He turned bright red and looked down at his essay in humiliation while Lily and Julia fought their laughter.
“What are you all looking at?” Lily finally asked, managing to keep the giggles from her voice. Everyone quickly turned back to his or her own homework. “Smooth, Jake,” she snorted.
“You can’t just go and say stuff like that to a guy!” Jacob demanded. “I have honor to uphold here, Lily Potter!”
Julia said after a few moments for her to regain her composure, “Please continue.”
“Right,” Lily said. “So I kicked him in the balls, gave him a black eye, and Bat-Bogey Hexed him—my specialty, you know—and was heading back here when McGonagall found me. Apparently Joey’s in the hospital wing for a while, and I’m serving detention every night for the next month. She says I shouldn’t go snog my boyfriends in dark corners of the castle. I was like, ‘Boyfriends, Professor? I have never dated more than one guy at once!’ But anyway, I’m in a bit of trouble. She’s saying that the violence was unnecessary, considering he’d let go of my boob when I asked him to and it was my fault for continuing to kiss him. She thinks I’m too violent.”
“I find that hard to believe,” Julia said sardonically.
“Ha-ha.” Lily glared.
“So,” Jacob said finally, “just to clarify: you did not sleep with him, right?”
She whacked him across the back of his head.
“Write the damn essay, Wood.”
“I forget why you broke up with him,” Julia said, gesturing to the tall, black-haired boy slinking into the Great Hall and trying to look inconspicuous, which was not working well: barely twelve hours after the breakup, and the entire student body was buzzing with the rumors of Lily Potter’s latest terminated relationship. As Lily and Jacob had walked down for breakfast only a few minutes before, they had heard two first years debating over whether or not it had ended because Danny had “knocked up one of those Slytherin sluts”, but the younger pupils had fled when Jacob threatened to knock them into Hogsmeade.
Lily ripped off a piece of toast with vigor and shrugged. “He was starting to get a bit clingy and overprotective. I hate that.”
“Good choice,” Jacob commented, lifting his orange juice cheerily; he was always in high spirits after Lily and her boyfriend broke up.
“Shame though,” Julia sighed. “He’s cute. Got pretty eyes.”
“Cute creeper beelining in our direction,” Jacob observed, dropping some more bacon onto Lily’s plate. “Celebrate this joyous occasion, Lily!”
She ignored him, turning to watch Danny approaching. He stopped a few feet away and cleared his throat.
“Oh my God,” whispered Julia. “I think he’s going to serenade you.”
“I hope not,” Lily muttered back out of the corner of her mouth. Jacob and Hugo had both moved to get a better view, Hugo’s fork, laden with eggs, halfway to his lips.
“Lily Potter,” Danny began
“Aye, McGregor, may I help you with something?”
“ ‘Aye’? Jacob, she’s been spending too much time with you,” Julia sniggered. She had always found Jacob’s slight Scottish accent to be amusing, while Lily christened it ‘absolutely sexy’. Jacob’s then-girlfriend had been highly displeased at that.
“Shut up,” Jacob retorted in a whisper.
The whole hall was watching the spectacle, everyone leaning in to hear. Professor Longbottom had stopped chewing halfway through a bite of kipper, and Flitwick pulled out his monocle to see better.
“I love you!” Danny declared grandly.
“Oh, for the sake of all that is good and holy,” Lily groaned.
“In fact, I spend every night in my dormitory fantasizing about—”
“Whoa, there!” Lily held up her hand in alarm; Jacob was choking on his orange juice. “Way too much information, honey!”
Julia seemed to be overcome with a fit of giggles.
“And I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Lily!”
Roxanne’s whispered “Stalker” did not go unnoticed; several people laughed.
“I desire you to be the woman who has my babies!”
Julia had to duck under the table as Lily’s brothers let out a cry of protest. Jacob was still choking madly, torn between laughter and horror and unable to breathe properly.
The hilarity only grew when Danny pulled out a small velvet box and dropped to his knees.
Roxanne doubled over in fits; for once, James and Albus were left speechless, mouths agape; Jacob, who had just regained some oxygen, began spluttering again; Julia leapt up and ran from the hall, screaming, “Oh my God, I have to pee!”
“Lily Luna Potter, please do me the honor of saying you’ll be my wife. I love you with everything I’ve got. Will you marry me?”
“Oh my God . . .”
He crawled toward her on his knees, grabbing her skirt and holding tightly. “Marry me!”
Lily, more horrified than she ever imagined it was possible to be, started yanking at the fabric. “Let go, you creeper! Let go!”
After a few more moments of struggle, Jacob and Hugo reached down and pulled him back, standing up to drag him away. “No!” Danny shouted desperately as soon as they released him, throwing himself at Lily, who had climbed onto the table and was sitting in the oatmeal. “I love her!”
“Don’t you dare take another step near me!” Lily commanded, drawing her wand. “I swear to every listening deity out there—!”
He launched himself at the table so quickly she barely had time to react. One moment he was professing his love, the next he was sprawled across the stone floor, unconscious.
“Oops,” Lily breathed.
The silence in the hall was deafening. No one could ever remember something like that happening in Hogwarts’s history.
“Wow,” Jacob whispered, moving forward and offering a hand to Lily, who looked shocked and seemed to be shaking slightly. As he helped her off the table, he said, “That was . . . something else, Lily. Are you okay? You’re shaking.”
“Wow,” Lily echoed him. “Oh, wow.” He glanced at her, frowning, and she added weakly, “Yeah, I’m fine. That was just a little . . . um . . . frightening.” She shook her head, and when her eyes met his again, she flashed her smile, already looking more herself.
“Lily,” Hugo called, bent over Danny’s unconscious form. He held up the ring box and opened it. “True love.” Inside, on a bed of velvet, rested a ring pop.
While Jacob dropped to the bench, laughing (along with the rest of the hall), Lily sighed. “I need to find a better boyfriend,” she mumbled, glancing around. Her eyes fell on her best friend, and she smiled. She’d just have to wait for him to develop feelings for her, she decided.
Until then, though, she had a free piece of candy to enjoy.
A/N: Happiness is a new review!
A/N: Happiness is a new review!
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