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AN: Written for a challenge on SAYS (JLHufflepuff's Character/Theme Challenge). Hope you enjoy it! By gawsh, this is the WEIRDEST thing I have ever written (and I've written some pretty weird stuff.) -is ded-


Snape’s passion was nuts. Not ‘nuts’ as in ‘legally considered as psychiatrically disordered’, but ‘nuts’ as in ‘the hard dry one-seeded fruit of various plants, which does not split open to scatter it’s seed when it is matured’.

Snape was quite passionate about pine nuts, cashew nuts, almonds, tree nuts and, well, all nuts, really. But his particular passion was for that king of nuts, oily and delicious; perfect smooshed and spread all over a hot piece of toast, or just shelled and eaten by the handful. The peanut. Always perfect.

Snape didn’t have a lot going for him in life, really. He was still a virgin, he was in love with someone who had died years ago while still married to someone he loathed, and he now taught her son. He was a double agent, everyone at school found him abhorrent, and no matter how much shampoo he used, his hair was always greasy.

He was an abomination, if he was quite honest with himself. Which he wasn’t. Honestly was not a trait he highly prized, as it was commonly used in aiding his general self-disgust.

But he still had his nuts – all of them. Which was a good thing, because he would have been quite worried if his nuts (any of them) had disappeared over the long and lonely years of his (partially) self-imposed celibacy. It wouldn’t have been a promising start, really.

Now, Snape’s obsession had begun a long time ago. Well, not really that long ago. Actually, only last week. But he had made great leaps and bounds in the obsessive stages – he had already discovered his passion, spent long hours being generally obsessive and creepy about it, and was well on his way to being able to speak at great length about the various aspects of the humble nut. He didn’t really have a lot going on.

Snape had discovered ‘nut culture’ music and could be reduced to tears by the ‘piosenka od ten orzech ziemny’ (a largely overlooked masterpiece by Mozart, written shortly before his death. Mozart was eating a peanut at the time, and nearly had a life-changing accident when it became lodged in his windpipe. Luckily Mozart was a lifeguard in his free time and was able to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre upon himself and finish his magnum opus. Unfortunately, many people were not as enamoured with ‘piosenka od ten orzech ziemny’ as nut-lovers like Mozart and Snape and declared it unfit for general hearing. Mozart died of heartbreak a short time later. According to some sources, anyway. Others maintain that this makes no sense, as the title of the song is clearly Polish (although badly translated). These people say that it was instead written by a four year old with no particular musical ability and was, perhaps unfortunately, released to the public a short time later. They are all liars and pessimists however, and should not be listened to.)

Anyway, so this passion. Snape had discovered it on Tuesday last, when he was sitting in the staff room, generally being bored out of his wits but unwilling to do anything to change it. He had noticed a bowl filled with mixed nuts on the coffee table and grabbed a handful. Although he had eaten nuts before, for some reason this handful changed him. There was something fascinating about the way the light glanced off the tiny crystals of salt crusted to the nuts, the different shades of brown swirled over the shells, and the shapes – none of them were the same shape. It was like snowflakes, and they were just as transient in that you couldn’t have them in your hands without them disappearing, because who could resist the force of the nut?

Maybe the reason he became obsessive about nuts at this particular moment was because of boredom related madness, which he just put down as an obsession. However it happened, Snape was well and truly gone. There was no going back now – the nut had him in its powers.

He had been staring at the nuts for about half an hour when he was bought out of his epiphany-like state when someone opened the door. Stuffing the nuts in his mouth, Snape turned to the door and saw Potter standing there; looking shocked, as if he had caught Snape doing something incredibly wicked.

Snape stood up, outraged and unbelievably embarrassed to be seen staring at nuts, and yelled at Potter to get out, bits of nut flying out of his mouth. Potter’s eyes widened and he started to say, “but I-”

Snape cut him off, his eyes rolling a little. “Listen, Potter. If the next words out of your mouth aren’t ‘goodbye, professor Snape’, then I can assure you that they will, instead be ‘oh my crotch, you’ve punched me in the crotch.’ Alright?”

Potter backed out of the room slowly while Snape considered whether it was in character for him to say something like that and decided on unlikely. Anyway, he had an obsession with nuts. Surely that was out of character too. Or not, depending which way you looked at it.

He sat down again slowly, breathing heavily, and glared at the door. No-one else entered, however, so he stared at the bowl of nuts. They shimmered through the glass, taunting him, telling him to eat them, to stare at them, to generally be creepy and obsessive and quite possibly humiliate himself even more.

Snape looked around furtively and then picked up the bowl. He was just about to go back to staring at them when he realised that there was a better way to go about it. Standing up, Snape took the bowl and opened the door to the staffroom, glaring cautiously out at the hallway, hoping no-one would be out there. No-one was.

Snape stepped out, carrying the bowl close to his chest, trying to stride purposefully and theatrically as he usually did but only really shuffling anxiously because he was afraid of dropping the bowl or spilling the nuts or some other drama- and tear- inducing incident.

So there he was, shuffling awkwardly down the corridor and pretending not to be able to see the students who passed him, gazing curiously at the strange professor (which he generally did anyway, unless he had a great line to use on them, like ‘people might think you’re…up to something…’ which pretty much encapsulated his whole ideal – it was disturbing, frightened small children, and could be said with a great amount of disdain and sarcasm. Unfortunately, it wasn’t always that he could come up with such all-round fantastic one liners, so generally he settled for either ignoring, evil-eyeing, a screamed ‘DETENTION! ASK NO QUESTIONS OR I’LL MAKE IT GO TRIPLE TIME!’ or a general creepiness of the stare) when suddenly (as is wont to happen in stories such as this one) Dumbledore came around the corner a good five metres or so in front of Snape.

Snape jumped, nearly spilling the nuts and then glaring at the old man. He wasn’t very good with surprises. Dumbledore went straight past, giving him a cheery wave, and Snape relaxed again, having thought Dumbledore was going to talk to him about why he was carrying a bowl filled with nuts around the castle. Snape kept walking quickly, hoping not to bump into anyone else.

Reaching the dungeons at last, Snape went into his office, closing and locking the door behind him. He sat down in his favourite chair, reclining dramatically, and then had to lean forwards again to put the bowl down on the desk. He let out a relieved sigh, grabbing a handful of nuts and staring disturbingly at them. It was fantastic for his nerves. Snape didn’t come out of his office for a long time. Like I said, he didn’t have a lot going for him. He was lost completely from that moment forward (or actually, a moment about half an hour before) and the nut never loosened its grip. Snape was spellbound. 
AN: Sorry. Peanuts.

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