Chapter image by Elisa@TDA
Remus lay on his bed with his hands behind his head. He’d been lying like this for about a half hour when the door to the seventh year Gryffindor dormitory opened and Sirius walked in. “Oh sod off and get back to your knitting,” Sirius shouted before slamming the door.
Remus looked at him curiously and sat up. “What was that all about?” he asked softly.
Sirius huffed angrily as he flopped down on his own bed. “Gertrude Kettleman,” he said. “Blasted girl won’t leave me alone.”
Remus gave him a small smile. “Shouldn’t have led her on last year,” he said.
“I didn’t lead her on,” Sirius said defensively.
“Then what do you call snogging her in every broom cupboard or closet and then ignoring her?”
“Having a bit of fun,” Sirius replied with a bit of a grin on his face. “She’s a great snog.”
“Did you ever think about actually going on a date or two with her; to get to know her?”
“Well, no,” Sirius confessed. “She’s not really my type.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “She’s a girl, Sirius that makes her your type.”
“Oi, who’s side are you on anyway?” Sirius asked with a small laugh.
“Don’t you get it, Sirius?” he asked. “Gertrude’s crazy about you. She’s willing to love you for who you are.”
Sirius laughed. “All the girls here love me for who I am… Well, maybe not Lily, but then again…”
“My point is,” Remus said in frustration, “there’s a girl down there that really likes you and you’re just tossing her away like some rag. There are people in this world that would love to be in your position.”
“By ‘people’ you mean yourself; don’t you?” Sirius questioned with a smirk.
“Not just me, but yes.”
Sirius’s face went serious. “You could have that if you weren’t so dim to think you didn’t deserve love.”
Remus flopped back down on his bed and groaned loudly. “Are we seriously on that again?”
“You brought it up,” Sirius said indignantly. “Besides, it’s not like you haven’t had opportunities to date.”
“And you know exactly how that would end up,” Remus said with a huff.
“A date with the right woman might just end up with you getting married eventually.”
“Oh I can just see my proposal now,” Remus said in mock dreaminess. “Will you marry me? Oh and by the way, I’m a werewolf. Yeah, that’d go over real well.”
Sirius chuckled and said, “Well, I wouldn’t suggest waiting until you’re proposing to break the news of your furry little problem.”
“This isn’t funny, Sirius.”
Sirius went serious. “I know it’s not funny, Remus,” he said. “I’m serious when I say that you’ll find someone an…”
“Listen, I’ve told you before, I don’t want to talk about this, alright?”
“Fine,” Sirius said curtly as he stood up. “You know, you amaze me. You’re truly the smartest guy I know but when it comes to love; you’re so stupid.”
And with that, Sirius threw the door open and walked out, slamming the door behind him.
Three weeks later…
Remus exited the school library, stuffing his Charms essay into his book bag. He had missed dinner in order to finish it, a fact he was reminded of when his stomach rumbled loudly. If truth be told, he had missed more meals in the past few weeks than he cared to count. Not that I meant to miss all of the meals that I did, he thought.
As his stomach rumbled again, Remus maneuvered his book bag and pulled his pocket watch out to check the time. It was almost time for curfew so he felt there was no point in taking the time to grab a quick bite to eat. Instead, he continued walking to Gryffindor tower; doing his best to ignore his grumbling stomach.
He was so focused on trying to ignore his stomach that he didn’t realize he had reached the portrait that guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. “Password?”
Remus looked up at the portrait in confusion when it suddenly dawned on him where he was. “Oh, um Gargoyle,” he said and the portrait swung open.
The common room was buzzing with noise, which he knew would be dreadful for his studying, so he decided to go up to his dormitory. He quickly climbed the spiral staircase and entered the room belonging to the seventh years. “Oh thank Merlin!”
Remus jumped at the sudden out burst and swore. “I hate it when you do that, Sirius,” he said.
Sirius chuckled as he leapt of his bed and walked over to Remus. “Sorry, mate,” he said. “I’ve just been so bored! I almost resorted to pulling my hair out.”
Remus moved around Sirius and set his things down on a small table that sat underneath the window of the dormitory. “So why don’t you go find James?” he asked as he sat down at the table. “I’m sure he’d love to go off and pull some sort of prank with you.”
Sirius put his hand to his heart and feigned shock. “Can my ears have heard you right? Remus Lupin, a Prefect, is actually suggesting that someone make mischief?”
“It’s not like I have any control over what you guys get yourselves into,” Remus replied.
“True, but I can’t go find James right now; he’s doing detention with McGonagall,” Sirius replied.
“What’d he do this time?” Remus questioned, pulling his Potions book out of his bag.
Sirius took a seat in the chair across from Remus and chuckled again. “Got caught putting the Bat Bogey hex on Snivelus.”
Remus sighed as he opened his book and began flipping through it. “He’s never going to get Lily’s attention if he keeps doing things like that to Severus,” he said softly.
“He was only defending himself; that sniveling git nearly hit him with Serpentsortia,” Sirius argued.
“What? Severus is a Prefect, he shouldn’t be cursing people,” Remus said, finally looking up at Sirius with a look of disapproval. “But even still, James is Head Boy and he shou…”
“Oh come off it, Remus,” Sirius interrupted. “Hey, let’s get the map out an…”
“I’m sorry, mate, but I’ve got too much work to do,” Remus said over him. “That last full moon left me in the hospital wing for a week. Besides, last I saw the map, James had it.”
Sirius leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. “You know, I wasn’t going to ask, but since you brought it up…”
“What is it?” Remus asked in frustration.
“My, we’re touchy tonight,” Sirius commented before continuing. “What was with all the clawing and howling? From what I recall, you haven’t done that since before James, Peter, and I became Animagi.”
Remus ran a hand over the back of his neck and sighed as he picked up a quill he had pulled out of his book bag. “I had that dream again,” he said weakly. “You know the one with the eyes?”
“A dream made you go all wild like that?”
Remus chewed on his bottom lip for a moment. “I’ve never had a dream in wolf form before,” he said. “It could have been that, or any number of other factors, I don’t know.”
Just then, the door open and James walked in. Shouting could be heard from downstairs and James turned around and shouted, “FOR THE LAST TIME; I DIDN’T TAKE YOUR BLOODY BOOK!” before slamming the door.
“Whose bloody book didn’t you take?” Sirius asked.
James crossed over to his bed and flopped down face first on to it. “Lily’s,” he said. “She’s convinced I took one of her spell books.”
Sirius cringed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry mate; I never would’ve taken it if I’d known…”
James got off his bed and threw his pillow at Sirius’s head. “Sirius you ponce! Lily thinks it was me that took it!”
“I said I was sorry!” Sirius said, chucking the pillow back at him. “I’ll go talk to her in the morning.”
“You’ll go talk to her now you prat! I can’t believe you’d do such a thing, knowing damn well I’d be the one…”
“It looked interesting and I knew she’d never let me borrow it, so I nicked it.”
“You know Lily always…”
“Oh will you shut up, Prongs? We’ve got more important things to discuss,” Sirius snapped.
James scowled at him. “Like what?”
“Like the dream Remus has been having.”
For the first time since he came into the room, James looked over at Remus. “What dream?” he asked.
“The one with those brown eyes,” Remus replied.
“You had it again?”
Remus nodded. “Remember the full moon?” he asked.
“Yeah, you were clawing and scratching like a… well, like a werewolf.”
“That’s very observant, James you know since that’s exactly what he happens to be,” Sirius said with a laugh.
James put his hand to his forehead as if he were feeling for a fever. “Bloody hell, I think I’ve been hanging around Peter too much today,” he said with a laugh.
Sirius smirked. “They must be some pretty amazing eyes to get ol’ Moony all worked up like that, eh Prongs?”
James walked over to the table and smacked Sirius on the back of the head as he sat down with his friends. Sirius gave him a questioning look as James said, “So, do you think this dream of yours caused you to act like that?”
“Maybe,” Remus said thoughtfully, “though I’ll have to look through some books to be sure. I mean, there could be any number of reasons a werewolf would act like that. They are wild after all.”
Sirius chuckled and shook his head. “Typical Remus, always turning to books for the answers.”
“It’s what I know, Sirius,” Remus told him. “I can’t go running off to ask someone else about my problems the way you two can because no one would understand my problems. I’ve had to come to grips with that since I became the savage beast that I am. So instead, I turn to books.”
James and Sirius looked at him in confusion. “Of course you can go to someone else about your problems; that’s what friends are there for,” Sirius said.
Remus shook his head. “You don’t understand,” he said simply. “I’ve been shunted by the Wizarding community as a whole since the day I got bit. I’m looked at as scum because of my condition.”
“Well that’s because most of the Wizarding world is made up of slimy gits,” James said indignantly.
Sirius nodded in agreement and said, “Yeah, just look at the stupid prats I have to call ‘family’.”
“Exactly,” James said. “They’ve shunted Sirius because he’s different from them; he’s better if you ask me.”
Remus growled a bit. “This isn’t the same thing!” he nearly yelled. “So you’ve been pushed away by your family for being opposed to their close-minded pureblood ways. That’s better than people looking down on you because you’re some kind of monster.”
Sirius pushed his chair back violently as he stood and grabbed the neck of Remus’s shirt. “You listen to me, Remus Lupin,” he snarled. “You are not a monster. You’re the most selfless guy I know and I’m not going to sit around and listen to you put yourself down!”
Remus’s upper lip curled up as a menacing growl escaped his throat. His eyes glowed gold in anger as he stared directly into Sirius’s gray ones. “Let go if you know what’s good for you,” he snarled in a dark voice that was not like him.
Sensing just how angry Remus was, James stood up and began trying to loosen Sirius’s grip on Remus’s shirt. “Sirius, let go of him!” he said sternly.
Sirius shook him off and continued to glare at Remus. “I can’t think of who actually deserves to find love and be happy more than you, Remus,” he said. “You’ve had chances at it too but you continue to push love away from you, why?”
“You know why!” Remus choked out angrily, grabbing Sirius’s wrist and prying his hand off of him easily. He took several deep breaths as he continued, saying, “I’ve explained it to you more times than Peter can count and yet you still won’t listen.”
“Well if I’m not listening, it’s because you’re just making up an excuse!”
Remus stood up and slammed his palm down on the table. “Do you think I want to be alone?” he asked. “I don’t. I want what every other guy out there wants; someone to spend the rest of my life with, but that’s never going to happen for me and that’s something that I’ve got to live with.”
“There’s someone out there for you, Remus,” Sirius said, his voice a forced calm. “All you have to do is find her.”
Remus pulled at his hair and growled wolfishly. “You’re just basing that on the fact that I’ve been having a reoccurring dream about a girl whose eyes are the only bit of her I’ve ever seen!”
“Alright, you’ve both made good points now can we all please just sit down and talk like the civilized people we are?” James asked.
Sirius ignored him and said, “The way you spoke about those eyes on the train here was pure. I could see in your eyes then, and I can see in them now, that you’re in love with this girl and that you want to find her.”
“Say I am in love and that I do want to find this girl, the second she finds out about my lycanthropy she’ll turn her back on me,” Remus said.
“You don’t know that, Remus,” James said quietly. “Whoever those eyes you’re dreaming about belong to, I bet she’s the one that’ll understand you the way no one else can.”
Sirius threw his hands up in dismissal. “You know what? Obviously Remus here is doomed to be alone for the rest of his life so there’s no point in trying to tell him otherwise,” he said.
James and Remus looked at Sirius in disbelief. “Sirius, why would you say something like that?” James questioned.
“Because it’s what Remus wants to hear.”
“That’s the most ridiculous…”
“Don’t you get it, James?” Sirius asked. “Remus doesn’t want to be told he can find love; he wants everyone to pity him the way he pities him-self.”
Without any sort of warning, Remus’s fist collided with Sirius’s eye forcefully causing him to stumble back several feet. “Don’t you EVER say that I pity myself!” he growled.
Sirius gingerly touched the area surrounding his eye and glared at Remus. “But don’t you see, Remus; that’s exactly what you’re doing with all this ‘I don’t deserve to be loved’ bullocks,” he said before turning and walking to the door.
Remus let out an exasperated sigh as Sirius slammed the door to their room behind him. James watched him silently for a few moments, giving him a bit of time to cool down before saying, “He’s sort of right, you know.”
“You agree with him?”
James nodded as he sat down in his seat again. “Listen, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but being your best mate, I feel it necessary to tell you that you’re being really thick headed.”
Remus gave him a look of disbelief. “Me? Thick headed?”
“Yes. Each time a girl has hinted to you that she fancies you, you find some way to push her further from you instead of pulling her toward you,” James explained even though he knew Remus already knew that fact.
“I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me,” Remus said quietly, sitting down at the table again.
“I know that, and Sirius knows that but… You said just a few minutes ago that you wanted someone to spend the rest of your life with, right?”
“Well, how do you expect to find that ‘someone’ if you don’t go looking for them?”
“I assume you’re talking about the owner of the eyes in my dream?”
James nodded. “Not all girls would run away from someone like you after finding out about your furry little problem. Take Lily for example; you two have been friends for several years, right? And does she know your secret?”
“Not all girls are like Lily Evans,” Remus commented with a smirk, knowing James could go one forever about Lily.
“Yes, that’s very true; she’s one in a million galleons,” he said dreamily. “But there’s a girl out there who will be just as accepting of you as Lily is, if not more so.”
Remus shook his head and chuckled at his friend’s stubborn assurance. “How can you be so sure?”
James smiled brightly. “Because I believe that every person in the world has a perfect match waiting for them somewhere,” he said. “And who knows, she might even be a werewolf in your case.”
“That’d certainly make the whole love thing easier, wouldn’t it?” Remus questioned with a laugh.
James stood and rubbed the back of his head thoughtfully, messing his already messy hair up even more. “Believe me when I tell you that the whole love thing is never easy.”
Remus smirked. I think it might get a bit easier for you this year, mate, he thought.
Sirius stomped down the stairs and into the common room. He could not believe how thick headed Remus was being. There has to be some way to get him to realize he’s good enough to be loved, he thought as he slumped into one of the armchairs by the fireplace.
He reached into his robes and pulled out a small book from one of the pockets. He flipped it open and began rifling through the pages and as he did so, he came across a page that was very interesting. That’s it, he thought with a big grin. I’ve gotta tell James!
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