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"Have you ever had the urge to scream even though you knew nobody would listen?” I turned to Lily, we both had tears in our eyes, we were laying on my bed locked up in my room. I had had a killer headache in the morning, i had woken up in the bathroom but lucky Lily didn’t wake up with any pain at all, only a little groggy. I turned to her, she was looking at me, we must have been a pitifull sight.

“ You have know idea”

“ More then you think “  Lily reached over and hugged me tightly. When we had gone down to breakfast the boys had starts a yelling match, them against us, it was completly unfair. We were practically crippled and didn’t have Ms or Mr Potter there to defend us, whats worse is that Ace had came down and also started yelling at us.  We had gotten out of there and had locked ourselves in my room, it was now around 2 in the afternoon. We hadn’t gotten much sleep and hadn’t eaten a thing all day, we were starving. Lily suggested we go down stairs. We silently walked down the hall, still in our pijamas, which i don’t remember changing into and down the stairs to the kitchen. When we walked in we stopped in our tracks noticing someone at the counter but sighed noticing it was only Peter.

“Hello Peter” I said with a smile moving to the fridge.

“Good afternoon Peter” Lily said coming up behind me. Peter looked at use oddly, we must have been the sight, he walked out of the kitchen quickly most likely going to get the other Marauders. I grabbed out some strawberries, blackberries, raseberries, grapes, pinapple and made me and Lily a fruit smoothy which she made us each a salade, we decided on having a healthy day. Once we were done we grabbed our things and walked back upstairs, we didn’t want to come face to face with the guys which was the reason we were going quietly but it was hard to avoid when all of them were standing in the hall. Sirius was leaning against the wall, James sitting down, Remus leaving his room , Peter red in the face stood there awkwardly and Ace was about to retreat into the library when he heard us.

All eyes were on us.  We stood there, more awkwardly then Peter, we wouldn’t meet there eyes. I nudged Lily with my foot and we walked silently the rest of the way to my door, which was between Sirius and James.

“You know who helped you last night”  We stopped right before the door as Remus spoke.  “ We did, we took care of you while you were wasted. We took care of you. “  I was shaking, i didn’t know why, i wasn’t angry with Remus i knew he had a point and i was rather saddened but not enough to cry or get me rattled up. I wasn’t shocked, embarassed, nervous, i wasn’t grieving. But still i shook, as if i was standing in the middle of antarctica in a bikini. Lily turned to me.

“ Billie ? “ My eyes fluttered.

“Lils, i’m tiered “ I turned to Ace, his eyes filled with alarm “ I’m going to go to bed”  He hurried into the library. Sirius looked at me oddly.

“Need help”

“I’m fine!” i moved away from his hands. Lily nodded and i entered my room, placing my food on the vanity before collapsing on the ground. I was shaking even more and sweating, i was exhausted and felt as if i had a fever. Ace burst in and i could hear the protests of  everyone outside my door.

“ Here! Take it, Billie take them!!!”  He shoved two blue pills in my mouth and handed me a glass of water he had hurriedly gotten from the washroom. It was Sirius’s rinsing glass he used after brushing his teeth but this wasn’t a time to protest, i gulped down the water. Ace picked me up and placed me on the bed.

“You need to rest. Why didn’t you take your pills, you know you should have. That was close - you could’ve - “

“  I know ... I know Ace”  I turned my sweat soaked face from him, not wanting him to know i was crying. I was only aware of him getting off the end of my bed and the door closing before my eyes fluttered shut and i fell into a deep sleep.


I heard the door open, i turned around and spotted Sirius standing awkwardly by the door. Smiling sadly i waved him over, he shut the door silently most likely not wanting Remus to be aware of him in my room and took a seat at the end of my bed. I was laying on my back looking at the ceiling.


“Yea, Billie “  I looked at him, he looked like normal ego Sirius, in ripped jeans and a black t-shirt, his feet dangling off my bed.  He wasn’t looking at me, i looked horrible with streaks of black makeup down my cheeks, white as ever and my eyes shining with tears.  “ Have you ever trusted someone so much, that you thought they’d never deceive you?”

“Yea, i guess you always trust your family. “

“I mean besides your family ?”  i knew everything about how he was disowned, i knew it was horrible and i was glad i grew up with a loving family.

“Well, i know i could trust my mates. “  I nodded.

“Can i tell you a story. “

‘ I love you B ‘

‘ Really ‘

‘ Yea, come on you love me too don’t you ? ‘

 ‘ y-yea ‘

“Sure” tears were escaping my eyes and Sirius hadn’t noticed, was this the right thing to do, maybe i should tell Lily instead. Sirius must have caught on to my hesitation because he turned to me, a look of confusion washed over him as he noticed my tears. “ You can tell me..” and i knew i could.

“Two years ago, i was sixteen and it was the end of grade ten - kinda like 5th year. I was the blond bomb shell, miss it, cheerleader.  I was populare and everything.  Thats when i was happy. I had met this guys two years older them me, he was in his last year of highschool - its like 7th year here - and he had asked me out, i remember being the most happiest girl in the world. I had dated him for the rest of the year up until august. “ i turned away from Sirius and looking out at the sun which would be setting in several hours. “ We were invited to one of his friends parties, i was excited. Well we ended up drinking and somehow ended up upstairs in a bedroom. “

‘ If you love me, then you should trust me , alright’

‘O - uh - okay. ‘

‘I love  you ‘

“ I guess one thing led to another  but i decided i didn’t want to do it, i hadn’t done it before and i knew i wasn’t ready “

‘I’m not ready ‘

‘ What ? ‘

‘ I’m not ready ‘

‘ But we love each other, your ready ‘

“ I guess he really didn’t care about me or anything, i remember i kept saying no “

‘ Please stop, no, please ‘

“ I was crying and he still wouldn’t stop, it was horrible. Remus and Ace  found me a couple hours later, i had told my friend where i’d be and she told them. I didn’t want them seeing me like that, i didn’t want anyone seeing me like that. I made them promise not to tell my parents and i wouldn’t tell them who the guy was. “ I turned back to Sirius, he was stony faced and i wanted to turn away but i couldn’t. “ Remus promised never to speak about it again.... he pinky promised. “

“Why - why would you tell me this ? “ he asked, almost in disbelief.

“ I needed someone to talk to i guess.. “  He shook his head, letting out a chuckle, i looked at him heart broken. Here i was telling him my deepest darkest secrets and he was laughing at me. “ I was right, everything is always about you. Merlin, Billie how about trying to think about others for a change. “ He stood up and walked out of my room, slaming the door behind him.

That wasn’t the reaction i was going for, then it hit me, i was digging for others sympathy, i wanted them to feel bad for me. Maybe Sirius was right. All i thought about was myself, but it was so hard not to when everything around me was crumbling while everyone walked life happily.

 " You don't know how much i do for those around me " i muttered.


Later on that day me and Lily walked down stairs, both in a glum mood, all the marauders were sitting around the table looking extra happy. To tell you the truth i was frightened, Lily quickly started interogating.

“What are you guys up to ? “ She asked quickly in her superior, mother like tone.

“Planning. “ James said, neither of them took the trouble to turn to us.

“What ?” i asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“ A party of course” Peter said all smiles as he turned to us, finally and for a moment there i though i was wearing an invisibility cloak. “ We just finished inviting everyone. “

“ Oh, when is it ?”

“ Tonight “  i looked at them in disbelief.

“ Isn’t that a little late ?”

“ We are the marauders , this place will be packed. “ We both rolled our eyes and left for my room.  Seeing as there was a party we decided we should go shopping and also to get away from the house where we weren’t wanted.

We got dressed, grabbed our money and flooed to diagon alley, we quickly went to the clothing store and  quickly bought an outfit not wanting anothing incident like the last time to happen. As soon as we walked into the store we grabed a handful of clothes and rushed into the change rooms, quickly trying to find an awesome outfit. We ended up buying tons of fabulous clothes before going to a muggle cafe and having coffee and cookies, anything to stay away from the Potter Manor and its occupants. We were laughing about all different sorts off non sense, the coffee and being away from the marauders must have made us giddy,but it soon started to rain and we decided to quickly floo back home.

"POTTER MANOR" we yelled together and not minutes later we arrived in the Potters sitting room. The welcome home wasn't so welcome , we were flung against the opposit walls, our bags flying in different directions and are laughter disappearing. Peaking over the couch, where we had landed i noticed the four laughing marauders, Lily's face had turned a deep shade of red and i simply glared as i grabbed our bags and retreated to my bedroom.

" I hate them, i hate them , ERRR!"  Lily grabbed a vase and flung it across the room , i looked at her fearfully. "Er, Sorry" Taking out her wand she repaired the vase and placed it back where it belonged before joining me in trying on clothing.  We went through the clothes not reallry caring what we were pulling out.

"So, whats happening between you and James ? " I asked the question that has been burning inside my chest.



"He's with Melissa. He loves her. They are perfect for each other" She said this with no emotion displayed on her freckled face. " How about you? You and Sirius, you and Remus? "

"It seems ever since i got here Remus has found one thing or another to be mad at me about and Sirius.... Well there isn't a Sirius. " she nodded in understandment. She understood what it felt like to not be wanted, by her sister, by her friends and by James, we had more in common then we had thought.  Lily crawled across the pile of clothes and hugged me tightly, we both needed a hug from a true friend and i felt a little bit of the stress and anger leave me.   We were trying to temporarily forget about everything as we went through the clothes and tried them on, we were trying to forget about all wrong we had in our lives. The party would be starting in no more then three hours and we had outfits to pick and a party , that we weren't wanted at, to go to.


"Yes Pincess" Said a man with fair hair as he pushed his young daughter on the swing he had recently made that morning, it was now sunset. The father and daughter had a ritual, every night while the mother was gone to work and her brother to a friends and  they were home alone they would rush outside before the sun sets and watch it until darkness covers the sky and sometimes they'd stay there watching the shooting stars until they fell asleep. But she'd always wake up in her comfortable, warm bed with the smell of wet grass in her hair. 

"  If i wanted to become a butterfly, what would i do ? "  The little girl with tangled blond hair, flowers she had picked from the garden tucked behind her ear. She looked beautiful in a white summer dress, her father noted as she looked up at him with rosy cheeks and a large smile.

" Now, why would you want to do that ? " He stopped the swing to get a better view of her father.

" I don't know - Freedom... If i could i'd turn Remmy into a butterfly, just so he wouldn't have to go through the pain  and then i'd change me you and mommy, because we can't be one without the other" She looked completly serious and thats what he loved about her, she could be talking about the most nonsense but still add meaning.

" Love, if you want to  see the rainbow you must go through the pain.. " The little girl nodded, she had not a clue what her father was telling her but she knew it was important, she reminded herself to write it down in her care bear diary when she got to her room.

" Still, how could i become a butterfly ?" She looked back out to the sunset, with a small smile so did her father.

" Well, my little princess. You must want to fly so much that you'd give up being a caterpillar" Looking down at his daughter he could tell she was trying rather hard not to laugh but she simply couldn't hold it in. She jumped from the swing as she giggled and ran around the garden as her father chased after her.

" How about this " Lily's voice shook me out of my memory, startled i turned toward her and thought about the outfit she was wearing. She wore a dark blue purple tunic that ended at her hips with a jean skirt and dark blue flats, her hair was pulled to the side in a ponytale and she wore light blue eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipgloss. The outfit looked ravishing but it was missing something, i lifted up a finger telling her to wait a moment as i walked into my wardrobe, not seconds later coming back out with a large dark blue diamond flower clip.

"Here, now its perfect. "  I smiled as i placed it in her hair, she swept her bangs to the side but i moved them back to were there usually were and smiled. " Perfect"  With a large smile she took my place on the bad and i went about putting an outfit together. I put on a white fancy summer dress, it had a corset bustier with a diamond studded waist and ended above my knees and paired it with white converse, diamond earings and a pearl knecklace. My hair was up in a messy bun with two thin white head bands pulling my hair back as my bangs hung in my face, i wore a lot of eyeliner and eyeshadow and a bit of lip gloss. I turned to Lily for her approval, noticing she was staring off into space like i was moments ago i cleared my thoat, with a small shocked jump she walked over to me and looked over my outfit.

" Good?" i asked, with a smile she nodded.

"Perfect. "

Arm in arm we walked down the hallway, we could hear the loud music from the party downstairs, smiling as we reached the winding stairs we walked down them together knowing the Marauders would be annoyed with our arrival as all eyes were on us.  We stopped at the top of the stairs, i could spot James, Sirius, Remus, Melissa and other girls fauning over the marauders accept Peter, he probably had gotten pushed aside. Everyone stopped shouting, everything was quiet except for the music.

"Are you ready to party" I grinned, a loud wave of cheers went through the crowd.

"Lets get this party started !" Lily yelled as we decended the last stair well and joined in the yelling, dancing ,drinking and partying.  We were in the middle of the dance floor dancing with drinks in our hands in which someone had passed over to us, we were drinking, laughing and dancing with the people around us, all in all having a good time when we were stopped as strong hands grabbed a hold of us.

"Whats up with you two ?"  It was Remus, the marauders were angry and it didn't take an idiot nor a drunk to tell. Sirius and James wouldn't let go of us, i felt like a child as Melissa and her skanky friends glared at us as if they were superiour which they most likely thought they were. I turned back to Remus, my grin still etched on my face.

"Dancing, drinking , partying. Just like every other low life, miserable teenager here"  I grabbed Lily and walked off, i stopped at the bar and ordered drinks. " Thanks" i said to the young and cute bartender and handed a large glass to Lily who imediatly gulped down its continents. After momentarily shock i did the same and we ordered two more. We were on our third round when the marauders found us this time with out there fallowers of skanks.

"What! Whats this ? " James started taking our drinks away but Lily punched him, taking the drinks back and handing me mine, by this time i was giggling and spilling alcohol all over myself.  "What? Lily! What the Fuck did you do that for?!"  She simply started giggling which caused me to catch it also and start giggling myself.

"Don't touch my drink you ass hole" I snorted taking another large gulp.

" I Potter and I Evans, we are at a tie here, who will win the round!" i slurred in a mans voice.

"I didn't do shit to her!" James protested, Sirius and Remus stood back glaring. Where the heck was peter? Most likely drunk in a corner, poor boy his a-hole friends most likely left him.

"Uh, Yes you did you  - "

"No! I did not!"  we were beginning to sound like children but Lily stopped us with a wave of her hand. She gulped down the rest of her drink before handing her glass to Eric, the cute bartender and ordering more for the both of us, when we finally got our drinks she started talking.

"Infact James you did, but its all right your big ego takes up to much of your brain to notice. For over four years you've been humiliating me infront of the entire school,  i lost friends and boyfriends because of you but  i don't care about that anymore. The thing that hurts and pisses me off the most is that you ran off with Melissa, skanky whory Melissa who is only going out with you to piss me off. " She put her drink down and pushed him hard in the chest. " But then again i can't blame you, i've rejected you how many times and you've only rejected me once and without even noticing it! So i guess its James 0 and Lily 1, because someone as perfect as you is never in the wrong" She grabbed her drink and walked off, i was about to fallow her when Sirius and Remus stopped me. Turning to James i noticed he had tooken up Lily's spot at the bar and had his head in his hands, i turned back to the other two marauders with a glared.

"What is it? I don't have time for your nonsense shit i got to go find Lily!" Once again i tried pushing past them but they were stronger and kept me where i was.

" Why are you always putting your problems on everyone? Do you really want them to feel sorry for you all the time ?" I looked at Remus confused. " Why would you tell Sirius such a bull shit story, i told him you lied to him! Why would you tell him you were rapped? " Remus was fuming.


"I was pissed off at you for thinking for yourself but now... I can't believe you'd lie about something like that. Like i said several times before, it isn't all about you. "  Sirius yelled in my face, i looked at them in confusion.

"But.. I didn't lie.. I didn't.... what? "  Why would i lie about something like that, i knew what happened to me it was like a memory i couldn't erase from my brain.  " I didn't lie! Remus, you knew.. You were the one that found me, you promised, you pinky promised, remember!"  i yelled getting the attention of the people dancing, Melissa and her friends walked ahead of the crowd joining the marauders.

" Attention seekers, you and Lily need to find a knew crowd" Melissa said, nor Remus, James or Sirius protested against her.

"Pinky promised, Remus. You can't break a pinky promise" I noticed Remus's slight nod and it hit me, he was angry at me for telling his friends such horrible things, he had promised not to say a thing and he didn't and never would. I turned to Sirius.

"Sirius - "

"No, Billie!" One of Melissa's friends came up behind Sirius, she had dark brown hair, light eyes and was the picture of perfection. She reminded me of how i used to look, tears welled up in my eyes as watch him take her hand in his.

"Sirius, please ." tears escaped my eyes, from the corner of my eye i noticed James look at me with a pitying look before turning back to his hands.  " You got to understand.... You were the only one i trusted, i didn't know why but.... But know i do..." I grabbed my glass which was filled to the brim with alcohol and with a sad smirk i turned to Melissa and poured it over her head.


I left through the crowd who were know laughing at cheering, the party was starting once more. I couldn't find Lily in the crowd so i made  my way upstairs to our rooms, Ace was just leaving the library.

"What are you doing ?"  He asked, i glared at him.

" Whats up with the interrogation? You aren't my father, i could do what i want when i please!" I pushed passed him and rushed into Lily's room. The light was off and i could see her laying on her bed, slight sniffles could be heard as i walked closer to her. I sat beside her and placed my alcohol soaked hand on her shoulder, i could feel her shake under my grip as well as the power flowing through my body, i slightly let a bit leak out into Lily and soon her sobbing stopped and she lay there looking sadly off into space.

" Sometimes i which i could just escape this life... " Lily said.

" Turn into a butterfly" i muttered, she turned to me questioningly. " Something my father used to say.. " she nodded.

" I wish we could just leave.... " Thats when it hit me, like a strike of lightning. I grabbed Lily by the shoulders and shook her happily.

"We can,get dressed,  pack your things and meet me out on the balcony in ten minutes. Hurry!" I left through the window doors and entered my room, turning on my light i conjured my trunk and started folding clothes into it, all my bikinis, skirts, shorts and jeans, shirts and sweaters and all my converse and makeup. I grabbed the box from under the bed and shrunk it to fit in the trunk. I took off my party dress and got dressed in a simple white summer dress with a light purple cardigan over top. There was a slight knock at the balcony door, turning around i spotted Lily in a blue long sleeved summer dress, her trunk at her side.  I closed my own trunk, locked it and brought it out onto the balcony.

"Alright, now we need a rope ... " Lily's eyes grew wide and she took a quill from her trunk and turned it into a rope, i smiled my thanks at her and tied my trunk to one end as i grabbed the other and heaved it over the balcony and on the grass, i did the same to Lily's before tying the rope to the balcony edge.  " Now we climb down and steal James real cool SUV " i said with a smile, at first Lily looked shoked but nodded. I climbed down first, i threw my legs over the balcony edge and then let my feet slide of the balcony as i sliped down the rope with difficulty. The rope soon came to an end a good ten feet from the ground, i let go and hit the ground with a wince. Lily came down soon after doing the exact same thing as i did previous, grabbing our trunks we sneakily walked around the front and into the garage, i still had James car keys on me from me and Lily's night out so we hopped into the SUV and sped out of the drive way leaving the manor, the party, ace and the marauders behind.

"Where are we going ?" Lily asked after a while of driving.

" Canada" The sun  started to rise and a bitter smile came across my face.

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