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disclaimer: Everything belongs to JKR. Lyrics by My American Heart. :)


Chapter Nine
The Shake (Awful Feeling)

oh, the brilliant mistakes that you seem to make always push me away.
and now you're steppin' on my feet, steppin' on my feet,
cause you were never on my side.

so i'll throw my thoughts into the sea,
where no one will ever find,
and your marvelous episodes of pain will very soon be mine.

i can't seem to shake this awful feeling,
you want, you want, you want me out,
and i can't believe.

they say a mind is a terrible thing to waste,
what good is mine if i'm locked up in a cage?
i was hoping you could help me out of here,
so i could finally disappear.

--My American Heart "The Shake(Awful Feeling)"



Sirius

I never really saw my brother as brave. I never saw him as generous either. And I never gave him much thought once he disappeared. Yes, I wondered what had become of him and how he was holding up as a Death Eater and all. He never graduated, but he was a smart kid and I figured he’d get by alright. I knew there wasn’t much to worry about. If anything, Regulus was working from the inside of the Voldemort’s circle and trying to make the world right. He didn’t agree with what went on and was just a kid that got in over his head.

I had my own life. I had Libby and soon Tristan . . . and when I got the letter announcing Regulus’s death, I was devastated. I even went to his funeral. Trying to remember if Darcy Smith was there, I remembered that there was a woman with a little girl. I figured it to be a Death Eater’s wife. But her face was covered and the girl was an infant. I hadn’t thought much of her. I didn’t bother wondering why she was there and no other Death Eater was. Just my parents, who didn’t even look at me, and Narcissa who represented the rest of the Blacks that were too above Regulus to watch him be buried. I should have wondered. I was usually very curious about things like that.

It wasn’t easy to push these new thoughts of my brother away. But I had to for more then one reason. Crookshanks, the cat, seemed obsessed with helping me. It was incredibly intelligent and I wondered if the cat was really an animagus. Of course, I was wrong there and soon discovered that this overly intelligent animal enjoyed chasing a disgusting rat that was missing a toe. I could never get close enough, of course, and I had to kill Peter quietly. But these thoughts were fun to think about.

Over the past couple of days, I noticed a change in my son. He was still miserable, that was obvious, but he wasn’t so alone anymore. He had someone that could understand him. Little Ginny seemed confused by Tristan and Lyra’s sudden friendliness. Maybe even a little jealous. However, she seemed to get over this and the group, including a blonde girl, seemed to get along just fine. If anything, I was a little proud Tristan was a misfit. Who wants to be just like everyone else?

Eventually, word got to me that the first Quidditch match of the year would be soon. Slytherin vs. Gryffindor. I knew Harry was Gryffindor seeker, but I had yet to see him fly. As much as I was curious about Harry, my own son seemed to my attention a lot more. And in the evenings, there were too many students out to be around the grounds. So I would then hide out in the Shrieking Shack thinking of all the things there were to watch that I was missing.

I was eager to see Harry fly. Very eager. If he took after James at all, well, he should be amazing. It had also been a long time since I’ve seen Quidditch and I wouldn’t give up a chance to see it now. I decided I would go to the game, in dog form of course. I would hide in the back of one of the stands. No one would see me and I would manage to sneak away before anyone sees me.

The morning of the game, it was pouring rain and very windy. For some reason, this made me even more excited. Not only would this be a match where I could watch my godson kick some Slytherin ass, but it should also be pretty good. I was at the school before I was sure it was even breakfast. I was glad my fur was so thick, since it was pretty cold with the rain beating down on me. I was soaked through in seconds.

I waited in the Forest for about an hour when kids started leaking from the castle, bundled up against the rain. More and more kept coming and I realized the Hufflepuff students showing their pride. I was confused. They should be supporting Gryffindor if they weren’t playing . . . it was then I spotted some Slytherin’s coming out of the castle. Though they were still in their Green and Silver, they were waving Hufflepuff flags. If they weren’t in a game, they cheered for whomever Gryffindor would be up against or whomever would be harder to beat when they played them. I realized there had been a change. It was Hufflepuff vs. Gryffindor.

I was disappointed.

I got over this quickly, however, when Tristan, Lyra, the blonde, and Ginny exited the castle. They were laughing at something Tristan had said, but he wasn’t looking amused at all. They were dressed in their Red and Gold, screaming Gryffindor. Ginny was walking with a bounce in her step. She had a thing for Harry. I knew that from an encounter I saw between Harry and Ginny the first week of school. James and Lily all over again, only the opposite and without the yelling and stuff.
I followed them, wanting to keep and eye on Tristan as much as Harry. They didn’t realize I was behind them and I got close enough to listen to their conversation.

“—full of bull,” Tristan was saying, “I say Malfoy swinging his arm around the other day when he didn’t think anyone was laughing. He just doesn’t want to get his hair wet.”

“Yes, well, we all know he is a girl,” Lyra shrugged, “Talking up his injury like he really lost his arm. He’s so selfish.”

“No offence, but all Slytherins are,” Tristan shrugged. Lyra nodded and smiled, obvious not offended in the least. A Slytherin passed by. He must have been a 5th year at least. He sneered at the group, his eyes lingering on Lyra.

“Traitor,” he muttered, then looked at Tristan, “Is your father planning on showing up, Black? I’m sure he would just love to see Potter play.”

Tristan said nothing. He simply glared and hung his head and I felt a growl vibrating in my throat. I clenched my jaw. Tristan wouldn’t stick up for himself. It made me feel horrible. Lyra sighed and rolled her eyes to the sky while Ginny stuck her tongue out at the back of the retreating Slytherin. Luna seemed to had missed what happened.

“I hope Gryffindor wins,” she said, “They always put up such a great match.”

“I know!” Ginny seemed grateful for the distraction, “Harry plays wonderfully. I wish it weren’t raining though. I love watching him fly and this will make it a little harder to see.”

“Ginny, I think you’re obsessed,” Lyra said, laughing a little.

“That’s an understatement,” Tristan muttered and Ginny blushed a deep scarlet as they started to head up to the stands. I waited until I was sure no students would be coming in the shadows.

After about a half hour, the stands were full and there was a lot of noise. I hesitated and then hurried up them. They were packed, but I managed to find a seat in the corner. No one paid attention to me and I spotted Tristan, Ginny, Lyra, and Luna cheering on the Gryffindors that had flown onto the pitch. They flew in a circle and I spotted Harry. He did fly wonderfully. I was impressed and I hadn’t even watched him play yet. I felt proud.

The game started.

You couldn’t hear the commentary. The wind was too strong and the rain too heavy. Everyone watched, screaming and cheering though I doubted they knew what was really going on. I watched Harry circle the sky, searching for the Snitch. I always felt like Seekers had so much pressure. They didn’t do much but fly around looking for something that you could barely see in the sun, let alone the rain. But the outcome of the game was really on you.

The game went on and I began to get more and more nervous. The lightning was streaking the sky and the storm was just getting worse. It was too dangerous to continue the game, but it would never be called off. I watched, on the edge of my seat, when a time out was called. Everyone in the stands was still cheering, talking amongst themselves. I felt a pair of eyes on me and looked over.

Tristan was staring at me, very curious. It was the same way he stared at me while at his birthday party. Like he knew I wasn’t a dog. Or maybe, he was wondering why I was following him. I was sure a dog following a kid was not something that normally happened. Or was even sane. He wouldn’t tell anyone he saw me, I was sure of it. Still, I felt exposed suddenly, as I stared back at my son. I wanted to change into my human form and hold him, tell him not to listen to mean Slytherins and that I was like my brother; good at head, just misunderstood.

But the game was back in action and Ginny pulled on his sleeve taking his attention off me.

Tristan

“Tristan! Look!”

I looked over at Ginny, still aware that the dog was right there. It was definitely following me, I decided. Why would it be here, otherwise? I wondered where I stayed on cold nights like this. I wondered why I was so interested in me. And I wondered why it was so smart. It was almost human, with its intelligence that was so obvious in its eyes. They were light too, for a dog. But it couldn’t be human. What human would want to run around as a dog? In November too!

For the time being, I forgot about the dog.

The game was getting dangerous and very nerve wracking. No one was sure who would win. No one was sure what was even going on. They were all just very aware that the game needed to end very soon. Diggory or Harry needed to catch the Snitch. And soon. The pressure was on.

Lightning flashed. Harry was close to our stand. He was looking in our direction as the lightning flashed again. I looked over at the dog, who’s head was cocked to the side as if confused. And then suddenly, everyone was screaming as Diggory spotted the Snitch. Harry spun around and was soon chasing after it as well. The crowd was going wild, but I was oblivious to it.

The dog had jumped up and was trying to squeeze though everyone without being noticed.

“Tristan!” Lyra called, but I ignored her as I shoved my way through. The crowd was suddenly silent.

I followed the dog down the stairs and down on solid ground again. I then stopped, looking around and froze. Dementors were gliding past me and I ducked back into the stands, eyes wide as they passed by towards the pitch. What were they doing on the grounds? Everything was icy cold and sounds seemed to not exist. The dog was still in view. With a pounding heart, I took a deep breath.

I suppose what I did was pretty stupid. I mean, I ran pass Dementors, feeling them sucking the air. I remembered sad, awful memories and they flashed before my eyes. I clenched my teeth, crying out angrily as I continued running towards the dog, he was heading towards the forest. I didn’t care. I would chase this dog until I couldn’t walk anymore. I needed to know what this dog was doing following me. I was attached to it somehow. I couldn’t explain it.

The forest wasn’t as cold. I stopped at the edge and looked over my shoulder to see a silver light at the stands. The Dementors were fleeing. They were angry now. But they didn’t stop for me. And I relaxed. I was curious to see what happened. Harry had passed out with just one Dementor present. What would happen with hundreds? I was concerned and I was tempted to turn back and see, to be there for a friend. But then I looked over at where the dog disappeared.

My legs chose for me. They starred running again, dodging trees and ducking branches. I had never been in the Forbidden Forest. And I knew I was being foolish. But my legs weren’t in my control anymore. They seemed to know the direction the dog had gone and they wanted me to follow. I didn’t fight it. I just tried to remember the way out, though each tree looked exactly the same. At one point, I wondered if I was jut going crazy and running in a circle anyways. That would look good. I’d lose the friends I have and probably get my own file in St. Mungo’s. My mom would be devastated. Probably blame herself, even. Like mother like son, right?

I felt guilty for thinking my mom crazy. She wasn’t. Just . . . lost. Everyone says my mother and father were inseparable. They said their love was so deep. Without it, my mum is incomplete and that is what is caused her time in St. Mungo’s. And, I now realized, her memory loss. Yes, the medicines probably helped with that, but maybe it was the hole my father left inside her when he betrayed her. After all, I think I would be broken too, if I were that in love.

At this moment, I began to wonder if my father really betrayed my mother. I mean, yes I know that he sold out their best friends and lied to her for years. But I began to wonder if he really wanted to lie to her. I mean, you can’t fake love like that, I don’t think. Not unless he felt it too. Sort of like how Darcy Smith fell in love with Regulus Black. It wasn’t supposed to happen and it was dangerous, but maybe my dad fell in love with my mother on accident.

That would make sense, if you ask me. And in a way, it comforted me, too. I didn’t want to think of my father as this horrible man, even if he was one. Knowing that he could love, and maybe even loved me, was comforting.

I was so deep in my thoughts, I was shocked when I came out of them. The dog was just ahead. He had slowed to a slower trot type gait and I smiled. I would be able to catch up to him now. I would take him back to Hogwarts with me and figure out why it was so smart and what it wanted with me. I felt silly for wanting to kidnap a dog for such a reason, but it seemed the only logical thing to do.

I was so stuck in ways I was going to get the dog without it struggling or biting me and giving me rabies, I didn’t see the root in the ground. It was too late to stop when my foot caught. There was a crack that I really hoped was the root, and then I was falling. I rolled a little in the mud. And then the pain hit me. I gave out a cry and sat up, grabbing my leg that I knew was broken. The world around me was spinning suddenly and I felt sick.

Everything around me began to get fuzzy and I struggled to stay awake. Passing out in the middle of the Forbidden Forest didn’t seem like a very bright idea to me. I bit my bottom lip but couldn’t keep myself from screaming out loud again. The pain was too much and I knew I wasn’t going to be awake much longer. Everything was going black. I looked up and gasped.

I was hallucinating now.

The black dog was standing near by, watching me. I felt like it looked scared and confused as I stared at it. Everything was still blurry. I wasn’t going to be awake much longer and still, I struggled.

“Help me,” I croaked to the dog and then I let myself fall into the darkness where there was no pain.


Libby

The moment I got the owl, Tonks and I were running towards Hogwarts.

I was sure we both looked silly, as did the other Aurors stationed in Hogsmeade. We ran like we were really chasing someone and I wondered if someone looking out their window wondered if we finally had hunted down Sirius Black. Of course, Sirius Black was still no where to be seen and we were running towards Hogwarts because the Dementors, it seemed, just could not resist the joy of children enjoying the first Quidditch match of the year.

Of course, my main concern was Tristan getting hurt, though I was not to let anyone else really know that. However, by the time we got to the grounds, where Filch was waiting to let us in, the Dementors had floated back to their stations. At least, the majority had. Two of us were selected to go to the Pitch and search the grounds for any other Dementors that were a little more determined to get some memories. The rest of us were ushered into the castle and towards Dumbledore’s office for some notes.

To be honest, I was disappointed. The first real action since this mission started and barely any of us got to do anything exciting. I wasn’t sure how I was going to react the first time I see my husband again, but I wanted to capture him. And I wanted to be sure she never got away again. My worst fear was that he would get to Tristan before we could get to him. Of course, a lot of people were more convinced that he was after Harry. And I believed he was too. But I also believed that Tristan was also a target. It was, after all, his only son.

Dumbledore was pacing his office. He was not happy with the Dementors, obviously. I never seen Dumbledore angry before. Seeing it not made me wince. He looked up when we walked in and conjured seats for us all and took a seat himself. We all followed his lead and he looked up at us one by one.

“The Dementors need to go,” he said.

“Professor, they can’t,” an Auror, Hanks, said with a sigh, “They may be dangerous, but they are protecting too.”

“Sirius Black gets past the Dementors with or without them there. Who are they protecting?” Dumbledore asked, looking at Hanks. Hanks looked at Dumbledore like he was crazy for a minute. And then shook his head.

“The students, sir. You have Potter and Black in the school. Who knows who else Sirius Black may be after.” Hanks spoke slowly, hesitating. And I shook my head. Hanks knew that Dumbledore was right. The Dementors were too much of a danger to be at Hogwarts. But Hanks was right too. Sirius Black may have gotten past them more then once, but if he’s out in the open and they show up, I’m sure Sirius was not dumb enough to finish what he was doing.

“Professor,” I spoke up, “Hanks does have a point. Sirius has to fear the Dementors. He won’t let them near him.”

“Station the Dementors closer to the school?” Tonks gasped. I looked at her confused for a moment and then rolled my eyes and looked away from her. She was a smart girl, but sometimes, she did not grasp the bigger picture.

“No, leave them where they are,” I explained, “I don’t think they’ll be doing anything more after today’s incident.”

“I believe you’re right, Libby,” Dumbledore nodded, “But if something like this occurs again, I will get rid of them myself. They can’t come that close to the students again.”

We all agreed and I thought of the paperwork I would have to write up on this conversation later. It was all rather boring. I thought chasing after Sirius Black would be exciting and I would always be moving and busy. But so far, nothing. Really, it was the most boring mission I have ever been signed on. And I wondered if Kingsley stationed me here in Hogsmeade because this was where the least action was at the moment. Whether or not Sirius was saying he’s at Hogwarts in his sleep.

As everyone was leaving, Dumbledore called me back and I turned towards him and smile. Dumbledore smiled too. That twinkle was returning now and I was grateful that this conversation was not going to be depressing at all. And I certainly hoped it was not going to be about Tristan; I was already worried about him, I don’t think I would be able to continue if I was anymore worried. I hated that Tristan was so unhappy.

“Is Tristan alright, Professor?” I asked instantly.

“Yes, I believe he is. Over the past few days, he has seemed better. Relieved almost,” Dumbledore explained, “I thought after Sirius broke in that maybe things for him would just get worse.”

“I thought so too,” I said. I was relieved myself that Tristan was doing better. I didn’t want him hating his years at Hogwarts. And he was still so young, just a kid even if he did have the tendency to act older.

“Would you like to go see Harry? I’m sure he’s awake by now. He should still be in the hospital wing. And I’m sure Tristan would be there too.”

I left right away and headed towards the hospital wing. I turned a corner and stopped. I remembered.

“What do you think about the new team?” Sirius finally broke the silence.

“We should do pretty good this year,” I grinned, “I mean, the new members will get better once they get trained a bit more. And we know how hard James is going to work us all. His life is Lily Evans and Quidditch.”

“Poor guy,” Sirius said sadly. We laughed quietly for a minute.

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind if I was a guy’s life,” I said after thinking, “Yeah, it would be weird if he like stalked me, but like how James is with Lily. So in love that he’ll do anything for her.”

“I thought it was a bit pathetic,” Sirius muttered. I turned my head to look at him.

“I want that,” I said, a bit defensive. Sirius looked at me now, raising an eyebrow.

“You’ll find it someday,” he said in a little more the a whisper.

This would have been a nice moment. A very nice one, indeed. However, it seemed that right now I wasn’t supposed to enjoy this nice moment. I was still staring at Sirius, shocked by how gorgeous his grey eyes are. I totally forgot I was walking and as Sirius and I turned a corner, I turned to early and—Smack!

I walked right into the wall, banging my head.

“Ow!” I said falling back and grabbing my head. I felt Sirius grab my arm.

“Are you okay?” he asked me, I heard the amusement in his voice. I opened my scrunched up eyes and saw he was smiling, but a concerned look was in his eyes. I ignored the look.

“You’re laughing at me!” I pouted.

“Well, that was pretty funny,” Sirius admitted, “You were just walking and then smacked right into the wall. It was like you forgot you were solid,”

“Well, I was to busy looking at you, so this is your fault,” I said, I pulled my hand from my head, “Is it red?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, “There’s going to be a bruise,”

“Damn,” I muttered.

Suddenly, Sirius was hugging me. He kissed my forehead lightly, right where I had bumped it. I tensed up and looked at him, shocked. I seemed to fit into his body perfectly. Yes, I was much smaller then him, but I seemed to be perfect for him to hug. I almost smiled, but held it back.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Making you feel better,” Sirius grinned

“Thanks,” I sighed and rested my head on his chest. Again, this was a nice moment. But nice moments didn’t want to happen today because my stomach grumbled in hunger. Sirius laughed.

“You need food. Come on,” he said. Then he lead me to the kitchens.


I came out of the memory shocked. I turned towards that corner again and then touched my forehead. I remembered Sirius kissing me there often. It always had a way of comforting me. I remembered so clearly what it was like when his soft lips would press against my skin for a moment. I remembered his lips on my own. I touched my lips. I always loved his kisses. I loved anything he did. I loved him.

Normally, I would try to hold onto a memory and it would slip away. But as I let it go, pleading it to go so my aching heart would stop, it stuck with me. The memory was more then clear. It was like watching a clip form a movie. My heart ached some more and then I realized that I still loved Sirius, even if he did betray and lie to me. I always would. He was, after all, my first love. And my love for him always ran deep. With a sigh, I knew that it would take more then 12 years for me to get over a love like that. It would probably take more then a lifetime.

I continued to the Hospital wing, more eager to see Tristan now.

Everyone looked up when I entered. Harry, it seemed, hadn’t woken up too long ago and was staring at a pile of wood like his dog just died. I realized it was his broomstick and I knew how he felt. My own broomstick had broken back in my sixth year. I remembered that it was Sirius that caught me. Ben had been too involved in the game or something.

“Ms. Cullen!” Ginny said brightly, I gave her a smile.

“How are you feeling, Harry?” I asked, looking at him. My motherly instincts came alive as I looked at him with concerned. Harry gave me a sheepish smile.

“I’m alright,” he muttered. He seemed embarrassed almost and disappointed. Everyone seemed disappointed.

I looked around and saw that Ginny was there and the other Weasleys. Hermione and the rest of the Quidditch team was there as well. But no Tristan. I was instantly saddened by this. I looked at Ginny.

“Where’s Tristan?” I asked. Ginny shrugged.

“He went running when the Dementors came. I figured he was running from them, but I haven’t seem him sense. And I don’t think he would just be so careless and no check up on Harry,” she said. I could tell she was a little worried. Even more concerned for Tristan then I was Harry, I nodded.

I went back to Dumbledore and told him what Ginny told me. He, too, was also worried by this and had the portraits check the school. Each returned with not sign of him. I sat in Dumbledore’s office for an hour when Tonks came back with a very weak Remus.

“Remus!” I gasped.

“Hello, Libby,” Remus gave me a weak smile, “I heard Tristan was missing. I wanted to wait with you.”

I stared at Remus for a long time and smiled, “You’re sweet,” I said, “But you really don’t have to. You can go to bed.” He shook his head determined.

Another hour went by. And then another half hour.

There was still no sign for Tristan and Remus had long fallen asleep. Tonks was staring at him. I stood up.

“I’m getting the other Aurors,” I announced, “We need to find my son.”



Author's Note: Hello again! Yes,as you can see I really am back. I decided I needed to get back into writing. Like big time, obviously. And I'm going to finish this story, Hold Your Tongue, and Sister Potter 3 before I offically leave. Though, I have some new ideas i want to ask YOU guys about. I'll be around a lot longer, I think, whether I am published or not. :)

So my first idea was a short story about Darcy Smith and Regulus Black. You know, more detail on what really happened and why. I would write it when i'm done with my other three stories, of course, because i don't like when things are piled up. Anyways, it would be a short story. no more then 15 chapters, and thats at the most. And yes, it would be another spin off from It was Only A Kiss.

My other idea I got yesterday when a reviewer (LilyEmeraldFlower). She made me think when she asked if this story will be ending after Tristan's 4th (Harry's 5th) or if we will see Tristan graduate. Originally, it was to stop at 4th year, because after Harry's 5th year, well, the point of Libby and Tristan remembering Sirius is kind of done with. That plot is over.

So what do you guys think of a third part to It Was Only A Kiss? It would be Tristan's 5th-7th year. I think it would be interesting to write about him and Ginny at Hogwarts with the Death Eaters in year 6. And then afterwards in year 7. But i don't want to over do it, you know? What do you all think??

Thanks so much for everyone that has returned! I will update again soon! Please review!

xoxo
Carolyn!

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