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Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because, I gotta get outta here


Be my Escape – Relient K



I was staring into the last of my cold coffee. Contemplating whether or not anyone would notice if I attempted to drown myself in it. I shook my head to clear away the suicide by coffee thoughts and re-filled the cup. I kept getting that lingering feel of someone looking at me but I kept my eyes down. I didn’t want to know who it was.


I was playing the scene between me and Sirius, as if it was some horrible play. Don’t I wish it was, then we could leave stage and be friends again. It would be so much easier if life worked that way. It had been two whole weeks since me and Sirius had talked. We barely looked at each other. No witty remarks shared between each other, no random laughter to make the days go by faster. Nothing of the sort.


Oh and maybe I should also mention, two weeks since Sebastian asked me out. Give or take a few days that is. I realized that maybe it would be a good idea to go out with him, see what it would be like. Had I done anything about it yet? Oh no, of course not. Silly little me, just too caught up in Sirius’ immaturity.


I took a sip of coffee, scalding my tongue and mulling over the puddles of thoughts in my head. I could feel the stare, burning a whole in my head, not literally of course.


I slowly looked up, wondering who was so interested in my head. Stupid curiosity always got the best of me. You know that whole, “Curiosity killed the cat”, well my Grams used to say, “Satisfaction brought it back.” Yeah well, I wasn’t exactly satisfied by the persistent eyes.


Sirius’ slate colored eyes blinked a few times after catching my glance. When he realized I was staring back he gave a grimace of disgust and turned away, leaving me looking at the side of his head. I made a weird strangled whimper in the back of my throat and attempted badly to cover it up.


Yeah I was going to drown myself in the coffee.


I was in god only knows where, inching my nose closer and closer to the surface of the black liquid, when Lily pulled me back to reality.


“Lor, are you ok? You haven’t said a word and you look like your trying to stare down your coffee.” She slowly slid the cup away from my eye shot.


“Oh yeah fine, just thinking, Lily do you have classes today?”


“Yeah, why do you want to know?”


“Well because, I don’t. My only class today was Arithmancy and it was canceled.”  Lily and I were the only people to take Arithmancy in Gryffindor, besides Remus. The class had been canceled because the teacher had supposedly discovered a new magical meaning to the number 24. Whatever, at least it meant class was canceled.


“Oh, I don’t have classes either! We can do something today.” Ava squeaked in glee. I’m telling you, only Ava can squeak and not make it look nerdy.


After saying our good bye’s to Lily, we went to the common room.


“Yeah ok, what’s on the agenda then?” We were lying on separate couches drawing shapes in the air with sparks emitted from our wands.


“Whatever my fellow, how about a quick ride?” Ava stood up stretching her arms above her head.


Yeah, I could ride a broom and pretty well for not have much balance. James insisted on teaching us in 2nd year. Which was all well and good until he made me do some trick and I fell off the broom. I ended up breaking my wrist and dislocating my shoulder.


“How about later, let’s do something not so productive first, because if you hadn’t noticed, it’s only 9:30.” I pointed up at the clock, seeing the portrait of a woman standing at a cliff. I had some pretty good peripheral vision, if I do say so myself. The portrait reminded me of a scene from, “Pride and Prejudice”.


That’s it! I jumped up, grabbing Ava’s hand pulling her out of the door and to the 7th floor corridors. She didn’t question me once, only laughed randomly as I ran down the hall, dragging her in my wake.


I was muttering random words, trying to figure out a correct phrase to say. Words kept flying through my brain, back and forth.


I stopped abruptly and turned to my right, facing nothing but wall. Striding back and forth, or forth and back, as Ava says, saying; “I want a room, perfect for me and Ava.”


It was a bit vague but hopefully it was enough. I pulled the handle that had popped out of nowhere and jaunted inside.


“Oh my Lanta…..” Ava glanced around, taking the look of the room in.


The walls were deep red, with black pillows and blankets all on the floor. There was a tiny fridge and shelves of chips and goodies on the far west side. On the east was a tower of movies, alphabetized, just like mine at home. Taking up the whole North wall was a huge movie screen, just right so you could see every bit of it.


“Movie marathon?” I pulled “Pride and Prejudice from the stack and flashed it at Ava.


“Oh yeah, definitely. I don’t care what anyone says, Mr., Darcy is hot!” I laughed and stuck the movie in, leaning back on the pillows.


I don’t understand why Lizzie didn’t realize that Darcy was infatuated with her. I mean, she couldn’t have been that oblivious. He was playing hard to get, wait can guys do that? It was a movie, obviously the most unlikely person to like you, would like you. But wait, she didn’t know it was a movie or even a book. She was a just an innocent, helpless character. Is that how it always is, movies or real life. You’re just too oblivious and all in your own world to notice that the person right there, all the time, liked you. Sirius was like that, was I like that to Sebastian? I never thought he would like me, he is too perfect. Was I the oblivious one? Was he frustrated with me, like I was with Sirius? He must have been that’s why he asked me out. He couldn’t wait for me to figure it out on my own, that might take forever knowing me. Wow, my whole life was just a circle of stupid people.


“Loren, do you think Remus likes me?” I choked on my piece of popcorn and turned to Ava.


Why did everyone always bother me while I was attempting Loren time? Ok yeah that sounded selfish. I took a sip of my soda and passed the bowl of popcorn to Ava.


“Of course he likes you, why wouldn’t he?”


“No, I mean like, like.” She had looked up at the screen and kept moving her bangs out of her eyes.


Told you she liked him. Now what to say.


“Well… me and Lily think so. Do you like him, hun?”


She looked down and fiddled with her charm bracelet. Breathing deeply, opening and closing her mouth, like a fish.


“Well … maybe… er.. I mean.. Ya know.” She looked so confused, I felt bad for putting her on the spot. ”Yeah” She sighed slowly and laid down.


I sprawled next to her, rubbing circles into her back. “Well what are you going to do about?”


“What do you mean?”


“I mean, how you gonna get your man?” It sounded so strange coming from my lips, I bit back a giggle and kept lightly rubbing her back. “I’ll talk to the bloke, if you want.”


“Oh I don’t know, he probably won’t like me. But you know, I really, really do like him.”


“Why wouldn’t he like you?” There wasn’t any human reason for him to not, Ava was this perfectly, sweet, beautiful human being. Why wouldn’t he?


“Because, I’m strange, I’m not as book-ish and I’m not his type.”


“What? Remus has a type, did I miss the memo? Because as far as I know, Remus is a good person and doesn’t do the whole stereotype, one tract dating kind of thing.”


“I just don’t know, so ah how are you and Sirius?” I cringed back and she knew she said the wrong thing. “I mean, what are you going to do about Sebastian?”


If only I knew. What was I going to do about Sebastian? I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good opportunity.


“I don’t know Av’s, what should I do?”


“I think that’s for you to figure out.”


“Yeah, I guess. So another movie then?”


“Yeah but wait, where is Avery?”


“Ah like I know, I have no clue where my brother is. He was supposed to be back 3 days ago.”




After 3 more movies (Carrie, Employee of the Month, and Grease) and enough popcorn to supply an army, we went up to the dormitories to get dressed. It was sorta sad that it was 3:00 and we were still in PJ’s. I sat on my bed, still procrastinating. I liked my jammies, a lot more comfy then jeans.


I looked over at the mountainous pile of presents. I hadn’t yet opened my present from my birthday, I was too mad to even attempt it. Yet it was three weeks later and I was still avoiding. I slid onto the floor and over to the pile. There was a present from everyone, except Ava, her gift was the three outfits. I had presents and letters and I had even avoided opening my Mum’s letter. She’ll be furious but I needed to cool down.


I reached over and took hers first.




Happy birthday Sweetie, hope your day is amazing. As it should be, I wish we could be there but I’ll see you soon. Hope you like your gift. Write back soon, you haven’t written more then twice this year!

                        All my love,



I grabbed the little box and slowly tore the paper, showing a green box. I took the top off, peering inside. I gasped and dropped the lid.


It was a long gold chain, thin but felts strong. At the end there was a thin solid gold star. At each point of the star, there was a little midnight blue sapphire. I slid it between my fingers, touching the engraving on the back. I flipped it over and slowly read it;


Happy Birthday, our dear, sweet, baby girl



            Daddy, Mum



Oh no, were they trying to make me cry. I shouldn’t have started with their gift. I aggressively whipped the tears away and unlatched the necklace. I put it on and stood up to the mirror. It lay lightly and elegantly over my collar bone, making my eyes sparkle, contrasting the green against the blue. It was the prettiest thing I have ever seen. Oh no, I’m tearing up again. I flopped down, ready to distract myself and keep opening.


The next gift was a set of Ancient Runes books from Remus. Of course, who else would get me books? They were very nice though, leather bound and thick.


James got me a diary, burgundy leather and gold laced pages. It had a note on the front that read;


Figured you might like this.

Write in this to vent anger, instead of bottling up

And yelling at your friends……


I smiled slowly until I realized what it meant. Sirius and his bloody big mouth, James only got half the story, which made his best mate sound all so innocent. I snorted obnoxiously and set the diary down. Stupid boys all so stupid and…….


Lily got me a bracelet. It was three puzzle piece, they broke apart and had separate chains. Each said friends but then they all had their own messages. They blinked little summaries of the kind of friend we were. I had to figure out which one belonged to whom. But I could do that later.


The last was a huge box with a red bow, wrapped delicately around. I untied it and pulled out a big black mass. It was a dog, a big black dog with grey eyes and shaggy hair. From his collar fell a note.


I though maybe Ori needed a friend. So here he is.

Make sure to take good care of him, his name is Canopus.

Weird name, yeah I know. But it’s the second brightest star, after Sirius of course. Aha. Happy Birthday



My stomach turned over nervously at the name. It was such a nice gift, no one would really understand. But I was really attached to Ori and now he had a friend. How cool was that. Only Sirius would come up with that. Jesus, I really miss him. But he’s so immature and rude. I don’t know what to do anymore. Wait; have I ever known what to do?



I sat down on the bed, my gifts thrown around me. Picked up James’ gift and opened it to the first page. Grabbed my quill and ink and wrote;


Hi, I’m Loren. I’m a walking disaster.

I can’t make up my mind.

I’m 16 and confused.

What’s a girl to do?


I waited for the ink to dry and shut it tight; I set it slowly down on the bed side table. My new diary, my new confidante.




Oh great, just what I need.

To write to inanimate objects, my sane-ness just shot down.





I fingered my pendent; I brushed each line and point on the star. I loved it, it was perfect. My mum and dad were the best gift givers. Maybe I should write to them, I missed them so much. Especially my dad, those dreams were becoming more consistent and more detailed. I blocked them out, numbed the pain as best as possible. I wouldn’t let it get to me. I reached again for my ink and quill and some paper.


Daddy, Mum,


I am so unbelievably sorry for not writing sooner. I have had so much homework, it’s been nearly impossible. I loved the gift. It’s so beautiful and simply perfect. Where might I ask is Avery? I’m off with Ava for a quick ride. Again, I’m completely sorry. Love you Daddy tons, Love you Mum.

                                   -Your apologetic Daughter.


“Loren, ready to fly?” Ava leaped off her bed, pretending to fly out the door. I trailed behind, letter clutched tightly.


“Sure, I have to stop at the owlery first though.” I linked arms and pulled her towards the Owlery.


It took my forever to find my stupid bird. I clicked my tongue and called but the thing is stubborn and doesn’t seem to like me too much. I think it’s because of its name; I had insulated it so now it would forever seek revenge. 


“KITTY, COME DOWN HERE!” I clicked my fingers impatiently. Yes, I named the damn bird Kitty. I think it’s cute, sue me!


Ava pushed my back and grabbed the letter.


“Pretty birdie, please come here. If you come down there will be a nice treat when you get back. Maybe a nice fat mouse.” Ava cooed gently


My medium sized gray, black Elf owl swooped down and landed neatly on Ava’s arm and sticking its leg out. I cursed quietly under my breath and crossed my arms.


“You’re my owl, you’re supposed to obey me” I whined childishly


“Lor, you have to be patient and sweet.” She let the owl fly off out the window and skipped merrily down the stairs.




We had been on the pitch, flying carelessly when I shouted toward Ava.


“AVA, what do I do? Should I try and get Sirius back as a friend, or should I talk to Sebastian?” I was getting desperate. I needed friendly help.


She flew towards me and hovered next me.


“Well in all honesty, I think you should try to get close to Sebastian. Sirius has been your friend for years! He will come around eventually, whilst Sebastian might get bored and give up. So I think you should lean more towards the latter.


I thought about it, playing back the words in my head. She was right; Sirius would come around, right? So trying with Sebastian wouldn’t be bad. It would be a new experience. I didn’t need Sirius’ approval. I needed to do what was best and that was Sebastian. I mean it had to be. I really liked Sebastian, I did. But I also really liked Sirius. I’m utterly and completely confused.


“I think you’re right Ava, dear. But will he actually still want me anymore; it’s been nearly a month.”


“There is only one way to find out, love.”


“And that is?” I felt incredibly stupid.


“Go get your man.” I giggled at Ava.


I waited for her to continue, until I realized she was serious. I starred incredulously. How could it be that easy, it was the same advice I gave Ava. So maybe I should follow it. My own advice, it could work.


“What are you waiting for, GO!” Ava gave me a light tap, not wanting to push me off my broom.


I jolted back and flew down. This had to be right. No going back and no doubts now.


I hit the ground hard, stumbling but caught my balance. I smiled up at Ava and started running. As fast as my legs could carry me, I launched myself across the grounds, toward the Oak front doors.

Sliding my hand over the cool metal I pulled it forward.


Where could he be? Library maybe, I ran past students at dinner. People giving me perturbed faces, I didn’t care. I kept running, my heart thumbing in my ears. I searched the library. No Sebastian damnit, where is he?


I bolted towards the Ravenclaw dorms. My legs taking over, my hair was whipping around my face and I could feel sweat on my brow. But I couldn’t stop. I clutched the stitch in my side but kept running.


I saw someone, far down at the end of the corridor, the build of Sebastian. It had to be him. I kept going, my hair a mess, my skin probably blotchy and red, my clothes all wrinkly, I kept going.


“SEBASTIAN!” I screamed out, trying to catch my breath.


“Loren?” Sebastian asked, squinting towards me.


I stopped within five feet of him and gulped cold gulps of air. My hands were shacking and my legs felt like marshmallow. But I had to say it.


“Loren, are you ok?” His velvety American accent, thick and smooth was all to caring.


“YES! YES! YES! YES!” I couldn’t get any other words to escape my lips.


“Uh ok then, did you want something?!” He scuffed his shoe on the floor.


“I wanted to say, yes! I will be your girlfriend I will. I’m sorry it took so long, don’t give up on me. I want to try this out.” I was practically hyperventilating. I was gasping for air. I calmed down and leaned forward, placing my hands on my knees. In and out Loren, just breathe.


“YOU WILL!” Sebastian shouted at me, his eyes were wide and he looked shocked. He placed his hand under my chin and gently lifted it. “You will?”


“Yeah, why not.” I laughed my answer out and he laughed after me. It was what I wanted. Sirius would see eventually. My breath caught in my throat, Sirius.


He would come around right?


He just had to. 

Alex's Note : )
Okie so it's been  awhile. But that would be the fault of the queue closing but still. Anyway. I'm not sure I like this chappie too much but I just wanted to get a little Ava-ness into the story. Ya know? I hope you like it. and now a little poll-ish thing...

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