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A/N: Wow, it’s great to be back. I couldn’t wait to get this up after the queue closure, because it seemed to go on FOREVER.

I took a liberty in this chapter and changed one of JK’s lines. “Dudley had spent most of his summer in the kitchen…as he ate continually.” I had to have him doing something all summer!

Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling I would not be sitting here waiting for validation, I would be going to my publisher and seeing my story out in print.

                                                    When the Aunts Come Marching In

It had been months since I found the diary; 7 to be exact. Now it was July. My favorite of months, for a few reasons, was here. I could watch t.v. at every meal, I could travel around the town as I pleased, beating up kids and gaining popularity, eat as much as I wanted, and most of all, make fun of him.

His wizard friend had tried to call him using the telephone. That was a fun site to see; Father squinting and turning purple and such. I happened to be in the room when he slammed the telephone back on it’s rocker, and yelled at him. It was a little horrifying to see Father so mad really. I guess I get my intimidation skills from him, eh?

Piers and I went out every day to get some ice cream and build up our gang. We had a one other now, a good puncher named Malcolm. We played a game I dubbed “Hunting” which included the name of whoever we were “hunting” that day. Usually, it was him. We liked variety though.  

My favorite ice cream was vanilla; it was plain and simple and could be topped with everything. Piers liked pistachio, (don’t ask me why) and Malcolm would eat nothing but chocolate. We would sit on the swings we had broken earlier in the year and discuss our plans. Although none would have guessed, we were very organized.

“Dud, I’ve got to be home by 4 today.” Malcolm groaned. “Me mum thinks she’s gonna take me out to look for a suit.” Piers nodded sympathetically. I raised my eyebrows and lifted my fist. It was meaty, sweaty, and grimy.

“Then we will just have to get on without you. Right Piers?”

Malcom jumped of the swing, his fists raised too. “I mean, I could try and get out of it or something.”

I nodded and went back to my ice cream. “Why don’t we stop her from getting home?”

Malcolm’s mother was one of the few who worked during the summer. She needed to support all 4 of her kids and drunken husband.

Pier’s eyes widened in excitement. He was the one with the ideas. “We could deflate the tires with rocks,” His eyes flashed. “The walk is pretty short. I expect we could get there in 15 minutes.”

“But since the walk is short, she would still get home.” Malcolm told Piers.

“I betya she would be so tired and frustrated she wouldn’t give a bloody care where you were though.” I cut in, pleased with myself. “C’mon guys.”

That was just one little adventure. I was right, his Mum was not happy. She couldn’t even pay the air conditioning bills for weeks; she had to save up for a new tire. Pier’s wasn’t so happy about that one either.

So sometimes we got in trouble, but usually we were off the hook considering how “good” I was. It was a great summer. A great summer that is, until the very end of July, beginning of August.

  I was watching the television and planning my activities for the day when I heard who was visitng.

My Auntie Marge.


She loves to smother me in kisses, squeeze my cheeks, give me hundreds of expensive presents when all I really want is a new set of boxing gloves, and teases him. That’s my job!


She came with her dogs every time.

And I absolutley hate canines.

One time, her dog chased me around the yard for two whole minutes when he stepped on it’s tail! Before he came out and distracted it, I thought I was a goner. I guess I owe him one. Anyway, the dog chased him up the Mongolia tree in the garden. Aunt Marge told me I did well, bringing it out to the lawn. She pinched my cheek, gave me a hug, told me a joke, and went to get more brandy. The joke was funny, so I laugh every time someone mentions that day.

Anyway, I turned and smiled, remembering the joke. Then I watched father talk to him. From what I gathered, he was going to pretend that he went to a criminal school for boys. That required effort on his part, hah! He had to lie, eh? My perfect cousin, lying! Humph.

I turned back to the television and started watching again. Father asked me if I wanted to come to get Aunt Marge. Was he crazy? No way was I spending any more time with that woman than I had to. After breakfast I retreated to the sitting room to watch the television in there and pass the time before…she came.

“Where’s my Neffers? Where’s my Dudley-poo?”

God, would it be nice to be invisible today. I trudged into the foyer. He was holding the suitcase. I had to surpress a smile. It looked heavy. “Hullo.” I muttered as she squashed my face, something most people do not even attempt to do. But, I did get paid to hug her. That meant I could save up for something big…I don’t know what yet. I didn’t like asking mum and father for everything, though they would have given it to me.

Everyone retreated into the kitchen, and I knew what that meant. Food! I ate my first piece and half my second piece of fruitcake before he came back down.

Now, I have always had a special talent. When I eat, I can tune anyone out. So I was eating my fruitcake and drinking my tea and I didn’t look up until I heard her ridicule him for still being here. She asked him if they used the cane at his make-beleive school. “All the time.” He answered. Then he went upstairs.

Over the next few days, I received four new computer games, three movies I already had, seven big bars of chocolate, and ice cream whenever I wanted. My cousin got a sliver of my chocolate, which I gave to him. He didn’t even say thanks. He just went on eating. Rude, yes?

The funniest part of her visit was when the wine glass exploded. I still don’t know if it was her “firm grip” that did it, or him.

Soon after that, the problems erupted. Aunt Mage started talking badly about his parent’s and their death, which I now know was not a car crash. He got very upset. I didn’t know the whole conversation because I was eating, but after he screamed that they didn’t die in a car crash, I looked up. Aunt Marge was obviously chocking on her words. “They died in a car crash.” She assured him, and was to say more, if she hadn’t blown up like a balloon. My father and mother tried to grab onto her leg as she blowed up and up…higher and higher…the Ripper, the dog, bit onto my father’s leg and father yelped. That’s the thing I hate about dogs. They are obviously evil and waiting to take over the world someday.

So, I was watching him the whole time she was floating. He soon ran to his room. I made to follow him, but mum called, “Dudley, stay! We’ll punish him! Don’t worry sweetims. We’ll get aunty all right soon.”

He came down. Trunk, cage, and magic wand in hand. He yelled at my mother and father, slammed the door, and left.

I raced upstairs, muttering “bathroom” to my parents, who I think were in shock. Really, I ran to my room and looked out the window, which showed me the street he was walking on.

So I watched the boy who had blown up my least favorite aunt walk out of my life, for a year, at least.

A/N: Hey everyone, it’s great to be back! I hope you liked this chapter, it was fun to write about Marge blowing up. And poor, poor, Malcom. I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes.

So please leave a review and tell me what I need to fix, or come visit me at my author’s page and ask some questions!

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