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Some of this is taken/adapted from Jo's work.  I am sorry if I bore you. I'm also sorry it took so long. The validators thought I had too many quotes from the book. 

Disclaimer: I do not own Dudley although I wish I did. Tell me what you think; can I do a better job with him than Jo?

JUST KIDDIN! Here’s the next chapter; it’s longer!

The Best And Worst Birthday

The school year went by easily and harshly. Easily, meaning I didn’t do anything but bully and fail, harshly meaning I didn’t do anything but bully and fail. Mum and Father didn’t say anything about my grades. Dad said he had been a “late bloomer” too. Late bloomer, hah! I could have gotten B’s if I had wanted to. I just had more important things to do, such as tormenting the squirt from down the block.


Finally, the school year was at a close. Two days after I got out, we had to go to the train station to get him. He was at platform 9 ¾. Father thought that was the funniest thing. He was delighted at the prospect of not being able to find the place he would come home to. I however, was excited. I wanted to hear all about this special school. Mum was looking utterly terrified.

“Mum, what’s wrong?”

“Oh Darling, these…wizards,” she whispered the last word, as if afraid the world would scold her, “Can be very dangerous people.”

“They can?” I questioned.

She gave me a pointed look at my bottom. Oh. I gave her a small look of anxiety.

That’s when he came over. Father was looking absolutely embarrassed. He took my cousin by the scruff of his coat. “Get to the car. Don’t talk. Push your luggage.” He didn’t argue, but he did send me a smirk as he walked past. I jumped. Could the school year have changed him from the easy-going toothpick to a dangerous wizard like mum had said?

The car ride home was cramped and tense. He was fiddling with a stick. I gulped. A wand, maybe? A magic wand? Like in the story books?

His owl would not shut up. She was really pretty, I have to say, but she was downright obnoxious. After the fourth squawk, father pulled of the road.

“Shut up that Bloody owl!”

“I can’t.” He muttered. “She’s scared. She’s never been in a car before. Maybe I could let her fly behind us.”

“Don’t you dare let it out of this car! I’ll put both of you back in that cupboard!”

The owl must have gotten the message, because the ride was silent after that.


For the first week or so of the summer, he stayed in his room, only coming out at meals to cook and be yelled at. I confronted him one suppertime when I was getting very hungry.

“Can’t you use that…stick to make dinner go faster?”

He smiled, a little evilly. “Do you want me to?” He pulled it out and pointed it at my behind. “Backity offity, Duddleyo.”

I stepped back. Now he was really scaring me. “Mum! Mum! He’s threatening me with that stick!”

She ran into the room. “How dare you.” She hissed. “You are not to use that…you are not to take it out in our sight.” He put It back in his pocket.

I honestly don’t know why he was being so mean to me. The worst I had ever done was ground him to a pulp and brake his glasses. Not that much harm. He had gotten better anyway.

The next breakfast was in particularly interesting, if not scary. I was hungry and wanted more bacon. Guess it was the wrong time to ask, because him and Dad had just had a row.

I asked him to pass the frying pan.

“You’ve forgotten the magic word.” He replied smugly.

I gasped. Was I magic? Could I summon the frying pan by saying something such as jigulous pickulous? I fell onto the floor. Imagine, magic! At last! I looked up. I was so excited I couldn’t wait to tell mum. I opened my mouth but father had to speak.


He stuttered and father yelled. A lot.

I toned Father out, I had just realized something. He had meant please, obiously. Come on. I wanted powers. I wanted to be special!

I continued eating my meal and father started grilling me about what to do when our dinner guests got here. I droned about taking their coats when they arrived. Then we went through what to do in the lounge. I acted out asking if I could take Mrs. Mason into the lauge, then put out my arm to be funny. Mum took it as practice and went on about her little gentleman and all that. Crap. I really didn’t want to sit through this dinner.

Then I had to go on about a school project about heroes. Like I had actually done that project! And I sure wouldn’t do it on that idiot. Anyone thick enough to buy from…never mind.

I then went outside to toment him for the night before. I said something I thought would touch a nerve.

“Today’s your birthday. How come you haven’t got any cards? Haven’t you even got friends at that freak place?” I was hoping to make him feel guilty and alone. Like he had made me feel all school year. Yet, his only reply was about mum not hearing me talk about his school.

That conversation ended with him pretending to use magic, mum scolding him, him doing work, and me eating ice cream.


The dinner was a disaster.

Like usual, because of him.

A/N: Okay, hope you liked the chapter. See you later!

Yah, I’m kidding. That’s just usually how I end, you know, “Thanks to him.” I couldn’t’ resist. OK. I’ll stop blabbing and let you get on with the story.

The beginning of the evening went well I guess. Well meaning I was bored out of my mind. Dad told some stupid jokes. He was in the middle of a really funny one when we heard some noises upstairs. Mum, Father and I exchanged looks. Dad excused himself. While he was gone, the Mason’s asked me questions. No offense to Father, they seemed more interested about me than the drills.

“So you go to Smelting’s?”

“Yes sir.”

“They teach good manners.”

“It seems so ma’am.”

She laughed. “How cute! We only ever had a daughter. I always wanted a little boy!”

Little? Ugh.

Father finally came back. A few minutes later, all hell broke lose.

1.)   The pudding mum had artfully made that morning smashed onto the floor. We all screamed and turned to see him, covered in dark chocolate. He grimaced.

        2.)   A large owl, like his but larger and brown, delivered a letter into his hands. After the Mason’s left, he read it and grimaced again.

From what I heard, he was not allowed to use magic outside of school. That was a relief to me. To mum and father too.

Dad barred him up and banned him from going to school. Mum fed him soup through a flap. I laughed from behind the door. Then I felt sickened. I wanted to help him so he would tell me all about the magic school. The door was locked well though, and it creaked.

One morning, Dad took me aside.

“Dudders, I want you to be a good boy and promise me something. You’ll get a nice reward in return.”

OoO, a reward. Who cared? “Sure, father.”

“I looked you cousin up, but you never know. He might escape. At night. That’s the easiest time, you know? I want you to get him if he wakes up. Come get me. You sleep much lighter than I do.” I nodded. “That’s m’boy.”

Then I made the silent decision not to wake my father.


One night, father’s fear came true. Three of his friends came in a flying car to get him. I pretended to snore even while I heard him talking. Two people scurried down the stairs and into the cupboard. They retrieved his books and stuff I expect. Then they packed up the car. I opened my window to get a better view, and his owl heard. She hooted. “Shit.” I thought.

I ran to his room, right behind mum and father.

He screamed something that sounded like “see you.” Then they were off. Father was furious.

Man. “Why does he get to do all the good stuff? And why does he always have the good lines?” I wondered.

But I did feel some reassurance knowing that I saved him about two minutes. He owed me big time.

A/N: Sorry guys, now I actually am done. I hope you enjoyed. How do you like my little cliffie? Isn’t it cute? LALOL. (Laugh a lot out loud. I use it a lot. Get used to it.) Anyway, we all know how Harry ‘pays back,’ so it’s not really a clifie is it?

PS: I am looking for a better name for this chapter. If you think of one, let me know!

I hoped you liked, and THANK YOU to my awesome new reviewers! I’m not putting your names here because I it’s too confusing, but each of you have a special place in my heart! LALOL.

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