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Disclaimer: I do not own Dudley Dursley, only his most intimate thoughts.

                                                  Pig Tale (pun intended)

After a run-in with a giant man in a shack where we learned he was a wizard and had powers, he left for wizarding school. Before that, his big, fat "bodyguard" gave a final legacy: a pig's tail.

So let me tell you; going to the hospital to get a pig's tail removed from your arse isn't pleasant. So I'll just skip over the bad details, shall I? Plus, sitting for hours in that hospital before they were ready for me really brought a lot of complex things to my attention, which took my mind of the surgery.

First, my loser of a cousin was a wizard.

Second, my loser of a cousin could do magic.

Third, my loser of a cousin got all the luck.

Think of how much more popular I'd be if I could threaten with pigs tails and such! If I had magic, then I would make it perfect. I would practice and practice, and be the most famous sorcerer in the world. I would definitely be better than that "Hagrid" who I don't think knew what he was doing.

Then again, I wanted my popularity to be achieved by myself; my kicking, punching, wrestling, teasing, demanding self. I just needed someone to torment. Yah, I know. He's my cousin. But hey, he was right there! And he was asking for it-climbing the walls of the school, and tormenting my poor mum. All she wanted was to be normal, and then he had to come into our perfect lives. (I assume it was perfect anyway. I was only a bit older than him.)

Anyway, I couldn't help but feel jealous. I'm a Dursley and an Evans. Two families with a big jealousy issue. (Mum never spoke of her family though. She was ashamed.) He got to go far away where parents could do nothing to interfere…where you wouldn't have to lie about where you've been because there's no one to lie to! I would be honored and respected by all, even my parents, because I would be able to do special things to/for them.

Finally, they called me and the procedure was soon over. Mum and I were very quiet on the ride home, thankfully not back to that shack. When we were at the door, Dad chuckled. "Free at last, eh son?" It was a scared chuckle though, one that didn't believe it's own words. "And that bloody boy is long gone! I propose a bottle of brandy, eh Petunia?"

Mum nodded and kissed my cheek. "There's a gift for my brave little boy in the sitting room."

Groan. Little Boy. How many more times would I have to tell her to stop calling me that? And another present? The only thing that would now make me happy would be to get powers and go away with him.

School started out simple and stupid as usual although it was a new one. Smeltings had nothing special to offer in my case. It was farther away though, and I got away with much more…physical stuff let's just say.

Although I went to a rich-kids school where the teachers were pretty much paid to put up with us, I missed my regular punching bag. Piers missed him too. It confused him at first that he was no longer going to Stonewall. I had to explain countless times that he had got in a run-in with the law and now had to go to a criminal school-St. Brute's. Once it got through Piers's thick head though, he started blurting to the world; "DUDLEY'S GOT A CRIMINAL FOR A COUSIN!"

Though I had cowered at first, (I was worried about my behind if someone found the truth,) having a criminal for a cousin worked to my advantage. I was asked dozens of questions, and instantly raised to the top of the social ladder.

Thanks to him.

A/N: Hope you liked this revised version.

So, while I was writing I was thinking, (duh) “If Dudley could go to Hogwarts, what house would he be in?” I thought “Hufflepuff b/c even though he is mean enough to be in Slytherin, he is not sly.” When you REVIEW, tell me what you think!

Now some urgent business to discuss:  Reviews! I’m not perfect and if you want me to go on I need critism and ideas! Sorry it’s short again.

Thank you to my first reviewers! I appreciate the time you took to read and review my story. Elfgal, hannah17, lunarlovegood, Timechild, TheJealousOne, Loonylovegood, neo_pets17, adodcefa, Horselover328, NiennasMoon, GinnyAlamalexia, Lizzy Leigh, and ginwannabe, you guys rock!

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