Being as the Hufflepuff table was next to the Gryffindor one, and Sirius happened to be sitting with his back towards where they would be sitting, he carefully looked around the breakfast table for the messiest, most disgusting used spoon he could find. He spotted it on it's way to Peter Pettigrew's mouth, covered in both saliva and some kind of overly sugary, sticky gruel. He grabbed it. For a moment Peter was confounded by the sudden loss of metal spoon in his fingers, then he looked at Sirius.
"Hey!" Peter said."I wasn't finished with that!"
"Oh shut up half a moment," Sirius grumbled, throwing him his own spoon.
Peter wrinkled his nose at it, although it was certainly much cleaner than the original one. Pouting, he pushed away his sugary mass of breakfast and took some toast instead.
"C’mere, you little stupidheads," Sirius cooed under his breath, eyeing the chattering group of Hufflepuffs. "That’s right, come to papa."
They settled on their benches, still talking, oblivious to Sirius’ malevolent eyes upon them. After a few minutes of their chatter and Sirius sitting, poised like an animal about to pounce, it happened.
One of the girls swatted at her back as if she’d been nudged by a passing person. Sirius grinned and aimed.
A boy three places down itched behind his ear.
The boy next to him, laughing, shifted in his chair after something poked him on the bum.
"What are you doing?
"I’m poking, shut up."
There was a pause in which another victim was added and the original three were bothered again.
"Because I can, shut up!"
Dink. Dink. Dink.
"But... but the spoon’s dirty," Peter hissed a bit loudly.
"Shut up, Wormtail." The third boy moved again, this time glancing at his friend next to him a bit suspiciously. The first girl wiped her back, listening to her friend chatter.
This time he had poked the new girl a bit hard behind her head in anger from Peter. She whirled around, massaging her head, and saw both Sirius with the messy spoon and felt the sticky mass of something on her hair.
"Hey! What are you doing?!" she cried.
"Oh sorry, I was trying to kill the bee in your hair," Sirius said innocently. "You and your friends are a bit covered in them."
"We aren’t covered in bees!" she said, and the other three suddenly realized that they, too, had been poked repeatedly and were sporting dabs of mess.
"You are, as well!" Sirius said back innocently. "Look, you’re bloody covered in yellow and black, and the only insect that is yellow and black is a bee. There’s one now!" He used the spoon to poke a boy’s house crest.
"That’s our house colors!" he howled.
"No, it’s bees, I tell you! Look!"
Sirius pointedly wildly at one of the girl’s hair, and when they were foolish enough to glance, Sirius threw Peter back his goopy spoon, grabbed his bag, and jumped clear over the table in two seconds flat, knocking Lily and James apart and dashing for the door.
"They’re covered in bees!!" he yelled as he ran. "I can’t get stung, I’m allergic!"
Sirius bolted out the door, leaving behind three bemused friends and four steaming Hufflepuffs.
Harry sighed, head in hand, as he watched Hagrid stride about the lawns, trying to give a class. They were all seated on the autumn grass, and bored, since the Blast-Ended-Skrewts were currently a memory of things that had happened last year. Hagrid seemed keen to start the school year a bit safer than last, possibly because he didn’t want to get in trouble. Ron was dozing on Harry’s shoulder, and Hermione was avidly taking notes that they would convince her to let them borrow.
"....’an tha’s why th’ rays can swim like tha’, what wit’ no water an’ all," Hagrid said, smiling. "Now, get yer in groups o’ three an’ I’ll git yer a ray fer yer all ter clean."
Harry nudged Ron awake, rolling his eyes when he saw a drool spot on his shoulder. Ron jerked up, hair tousled, and looked a bit surprised.
"Wha? What appened, mm?"
"Groups, we’re cleaning the rays," Harry said, climbing to his feet.
The three of them gathered around a table they had been made to levitate out here, and upon it were some Flying Ray cleaning lotions and the like. Hagrid came around leading five or six of the rays on some kind of leash that tied around their stingers; to Harry, they were essentially sting rays that lived in the air instead of the water. He took the leash, and as Hagrid strode away looked into the eyes of the ugly thing.
"Crikey!" he exclaimed suddenly, assuming the voice of Steve Irwin. "Tha’s a hyooge ‘un!"
Hermione looked shocked for a moment, but also being muggle raised, recognized the Australian accent immediately. She giggled.
Harry grinned, keeping on with the accent. "It’s a big ‘un, boys. I aint never seen such a big ‘un!"
A few of the other kids around class knew the joke and were laughing behind their hands. Hagrid was arguing pointedly with Draco Malfoy, and missed the whole thing.
The class progressed nicely, Harry going the entire time with an Australian accent. At the end of the lesson he waved to Hagrid and said,
James and Sirius laughed, unable to stop, at the look on Remus’ face. The three of them were sitting in their private broom closet, working on their herbology extra credit project. A haze filled the air, and neither boy had ever seen Remus looking dumbfounded and alarmed.
"See, Moony?" James giggled. "His hand still has its thumb!"
"Here, here, I’ll give it back," Sirius said, sliding his bent thumb towards his other one, the kind of "thumb disappearing" trick that usually worked on three year olds.
"Wow!" Remus gasped, eyes wide. "How did you do that?! It’s like magic or something!"
The three boys sat there, before all cracked up and started laughing again. As they laughed, James said,
"Wow, I’m realllllly hungry."
"You’re really horny?" Sirius asked.
"If you’re horny," Remus said, smiling, "you should take a de-horning potion!"
James laughed, "Not that kind of horny!"
"Then what kind of horny?" Sirius said, slightly confused.
Laughing, James took his finger and made one raise, like an erection. Remus laughed, falling over on the floor.
"Prongsie’s finger is hooooorny!"
"My finger is horny!" James laughed, index finger still raised. He poked Sirius with it, who screeched.
"Jamsie poked me with his horny fingerrr! Ew ew lesbian!"
"Yes I am lesbian," James laughed. "Cause I looooove girls!"
"And girls love the marauders!" Remus said their line.
"Hay, ho, Marauders!" all three boys cheered, then bursting into uncontrollable laughter.
They sat there for a while, before Sirius said,
"So there I was, nekkid in Mexico..."
"Where’s Mexico?" James asked.
"It’s north of south America," Remus said.
"It’s above Florida?" James asked.
"I think so," Sirius said. "Florida is in the south."
"I went to Florida once," James said. "There were lots of Mexioans in Florida. Sirius!! Did you know Mexicoans have blond hair? They’re like Aryans!"
Remus laughed. "Nuh uhhhh, Mexicoans have red hair!"
Both other boys said, "Ohhhh!"
"Yeah, and they have their own island!"
"If they have an island, how can they be above Florida?" asked Sirius.
"Because Florida is a peninunala," James said. "It’s got water around it.
"I see," Sirius said quietly.
"Hey, hey, know what would be funny?" Remus asked.
"If Lily was here!"
James laughed until his face felt hot. "Lily! Hah! She would never do a herbology extra credit assignment!!"
The boys laughed, Sirius falling onto James’ shoulder as they sat on the floor. Suddenly the door behind Remus opened, causing him to fall back into the hallway, bright light to cascade in, and a haze of smoke to billow out. Blinking, James looked up and saw his red-haired girlfriend standing there, eyebrow raised as she took in the scene.
"What.... are you doing?" she asked.
Remus was lying on the floor at her feet, laughing at the fact that his head hurt. Sirius gasped at Remus.
"You’re a seer!"
"We’re working on a project," James beamed.
She eyes the weed blunt in his fingers. "Project."
"For herbology! Extra credit!"
"You grew marijuana in a closet for a school project," her eyebrow raised farther.
"Wow, your eyebrow moves," Remus giggled, sitting up.
"And mushrooms!" Sirius said, grabbing one. "Want some?"
There was a silence as Lily tried to control her rage. Finally she glowered down at them all and said,
"Detention. Three weeks. Your ‘project’ is going in the trash. Be glad I’m not reporting you."
With that she closed the door on them and walked away. As their eyes adjusted poorly to the darkness again, James took a drag on the blunt and looked at Remus, who was considering the mushroom he’d taken from Sirius.
James blew out. "Your name isn’t going on the project."
"I don’t get any extra credit?" he asked, looking sad.
James flicked the blunt at him. "No."
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