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Thinking Of You…

Chapter 20: Halloween part 2


Now, James Potter was not the type of person to start an argument with someone for no reason.  Never in his life had he insulted anyone just to get a reaction and therefore cause a fight.  So, his slightly drunken state could be to blame for his actions.  Well, that’s what he thought everyone would think when they found him stood over Snape, wand in hand and a satisfied grin on his face.


Serveus Snape was sprawled across the floor, hand cradling a bloody nose and mouth murmuring incoherent sentences.  His eyes were narrowed towards James, not just in a look that could kill, but because the swelling of his nose has caused his eyes to blacken and puff up.


“That’s what you get for…”


“What the Hell..!?” Lily Evans arrived at the scene before James could tell Snape his reason for attacking him.  “Potter what have you done?” she hissed at James, bending down to tend to Snape’s bleeding nose.  Her hand, however, was pushed away as Snape scrambled up from the floor and aimed his wand at James’ chest.


James smirked and with a flick of his wrist Snape was hovering twenty feet above the ground.  James walked so that he was stood under him and looked up, a gloating grin on his face.  He lifted his wand but found his hand pinned to his side.  Looking around he found Sirius next to him, attempting to take the wand from him.


“Prongs don’t,” Sirius told him, a serious look on his face.  “What are you doing?” he asked.


“Teaching him a lesson,” James slurred, not quite comprehending why Sirius wasn’t joking along with him.


“Not now James,” Sirius said.  “Not here, not tonight.”


“What are you on about?” James asked incredulously.  “It’s just Snivellous; we do this stuff all the time.”


“Not tonight Prongs,” he repeated.  “Not at our Halloween Ball.  Evans has worked on this for weeks.”  At the mention of her name James looked up to see Lily glaring at him.  He tried hard not to flinch from the look on her face and looked around in hopes of finding something to focus his attention on instead.  What he found, though, was the eyes of every pupil there on him; disbelieving looks on their faces.


“What did you do it for?” Lily asked quietly while her voice shook with anger.  “Was it just to ruin this night for me, after I’d spent so much time setting it up?  Or did you want to ruin it for everyone?  Or maybe,” she continued, voice getting higher and louder.  “You just wanted some more attention.  Well Potter, every eye is on you now.”


James swallowed a lump which had formed in his throat and clenched his fists at his side.  “He’s a slimy git,” he said.  It was obvious to Lily, and everybody there, that James was drunk; he could barely form a sentence.  However, he was slowly sobering from the look Lily was giving him.


“So because he’s a slimy git that gives you the right to attack him does it?” Lily asked calmly.  “You know what,” she began with a shake of her head.  “I can’t believe you.  I cannot comprehend how your head is so fat that you think, just because you don’t like someone, just because you think Snape is slimy and unworthy that you have the right to attack him, to harm him.  I can’t get my head around the fact that you think you have the right to do any of this stuff.  What have you ever done to give yourself this authority?”


James’ eyes narrowed and his head began swimming.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw teachers shooing people back to their dormitories and knew in the morning everyone was going to hate him.  He felt Sirius attempt to drag him away but was held there by Lily’s glare and the need to defend him self.


“Back to your dormitories Mr Potter,” McGonagall stated.  “You can finish this there.” 


When James’ head finally caught up with him, Lily had gone.  His sudden sober state allowed him to take quite a straight run back to the Gryffindor common room, where he was determined to find Lily.


“Don’t talk to me.”  Lily bluntly said to him the minute he found her.


“Evans,” he began.


Potter, don’t,” Lily warned.  “I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t want to listen to you defend yourself, I know what you’re going to say.”


“Why do you hate me?” James asked, surprising not only Lily and everyone around them, but himself.  Sirius and Remus began moving people away, knowing the two needed to be alone in this argument.  Lily took a deep breath.


“We’ve established the answer to this before,” Lily replied, a slight blush rising on her cheeks from remembering what had happened the last time James had mentioned her hate for him.


“Then why don’t you like me?” he asked with a sigh.  “Why do you look at me the way you do?”


“What are you talking about?” Lily snapped.


“The look in your eyes when you look at me, it’s a look of hatred.  Yes, you’ve always looked at me as though you were disgusted by the thought of me but just then, down in the hall, it was a look of hate.”


“It was not a look of hate,” Lily said looking down.  “Hate is a strong word Potter.”


“And then there’s the way you say my name,” James continued, ignoring what she’d said.  “It’s as though even the sound of my name repulses you.  But Lily, I can handle that; I can handle you looking at me and talking about me as though I disgust you because to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if I do.  But,” he took a deep breath.  “I can’t handle the thought that you hate me.”


“I don’t hate you!” Lily said, finally looking up at him and throwing her arms in the air.  Something inside her started to ache, the need to just spill everything, get it all off her chest.  “I wish I did,” she said quietly.


James flinched, “Why?”  He saw tears fill up in Lily’s eyes and had to overcome the powerful urge to hold her and try to make her feel better.  What was it about him that made her so upset all the time?  “Lily please, speak to me.”


“James,” the word was out of her mouth before she could stop herself and with it came a flood of tears.  James bit his teeth together and grabbed a hold of the table to stop him self from comforting her and Lily sunk down onto a chair.  She put her head in her hands, her red hair falling down over her knees when she tucked them up to her chest.  “You…you wouldn’t understand.”


“Try me,” he said as he took a seat on the edge of the table.  Lily looked up, bright green eyes shimmering with tears which caused black mascara streaks to run down her face.  “Why do you want to hate me?”


“Because,” Lily’s voice choked over the words as she tried to stop her self from crying.  “That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”


“I don’t get it,” James said slowly.


“I’m supposed to hate you and you’re supposed to keep asking me out just to prove the point that you can get any girl here,” she said harshly.  “Just like you said.”


James bit his cheek; he was such an idiot.  He remembered that night when he’d told Lily he could have every girl in their year, and probably all the others, and that he would prove he could also have her.




A fourteen year old Lily Evans was seated at one of the windows in the owlery, legs pulled up under her chest and head resting on her knees.  She’d just received a letter from her mother telling her that earlier that day her father had passed away.  The letter was held in her hands, wrinkled from where Lily had crumpled it up the moment she read it.


Her father had been ill for some time, blinding headaches and then later, an aching stomach.  They thought nothing of it until his stomach had started causing him to be sick.  The headaches would be bad, but then they’d go for months at a time; how could they have known it was such a big problem?  One day he’d collapsed in a supermarket from a blinding headache and when they got him home he couldn’t stop throwing up.


The hospital had diagnosed him with a brain tumour and stomach cancer within the next two weeks and from there, everything went down hill.  They were told that with chemotherapy he could last anything from eight to eighteen months but the chemo caused him so much pain he took a break from it after six.  That was a mistake.


They came back from a week’s holiday to find he’d caught pneumonia and in the following weeks the cancer spread to his bowels and legs.  Lily hadn’t wanted to come back to school this year; she knew he was going to be gone before she was home for the Christmas holidays.


A racket from near the stairs brought Lily out of her thoughts and she quickly wiped away her tears.  She scowled, however, when she saw a certain messy haired quidditch player leaning against the door.


“What do you want Potter?” this was before the times that she spat his name.


“You,” James said casually with a shrug of his shoulders; if anything, this James Potter was even more conceited. 


“Too bad you can’t have everything,” Lily rolled her eyes.  “Now go away, I want to be alone.”


“You’re not a very good actress Evans,” James said casually.  “You can’t hide the fact that you find me drop dead gorgeous.”  Lily bit down on her cheek and turned her attention to the grounds below her.


“Leave me alone,” she said quietly.  James’ eyes narrowed.


“Well, if you don’t,” he said bitterly.  “Then you must have something wrong with your eyes.”


“Not everyone finds you attractive Potter,” Lily snapped.


“Ye whatever,” James laughed.  “But seriously Evans, I could have any girl in our year; possibly in the school.”


“You’re so big headed,” Lily scoffed.


“I’ll prove to you that I can have anyone,” James shrugged.


“No thanks, I’m not interested.”


“I can even have you,” he told her.


“Think what you like Potter,” Lily replied calmly.


“Listen Evans,” James began, his voice becoming harsher.  “You may act like you don’t like me now, but you do,” he moved so that he stood with his face mere inches from hers.  “And one day, you won’t be able to help but to give in to my charms and good looks,” he smirked.  “So you might as well give in now so I can get the hard part of this out of the way and move on to showing you how every other girl in this school has fallen for me.”


James pressed his lips against Lily’s who froze in shock for about half a second before pushing her knee out and colliding her foot with the bottom of his stomach.  James doubled over in pain and started spluttering something Lily couldn’t quite understand.


“Now you listen to me,” she began, anger burning through her.  “I am not interested in you now, and I never will be.  If you ever touch me again I will make sure your face is so disfigured that Moaning Myrtle won’t even be interested in you,” she stalked over to the door before turning and smirking at James who’d sat down to catch his breath.  “Got that James Potter?”


End of Flashback


James shook his head.  “I’m sorry about that Lily,” he said sincerely.  “I was young and totally stupid!”  To be honest, it was that day when James really started falling for Lily.  The girl had given him a reality check and from that day onwards Lily Evans became the object of his affections.  She was different from the other girls who fawned all over him; she was feisty and argued back.


“Forget about it,” Lily said quickly.  “My point is, everything is changing and I hate it.  I look at you and see you look at me in a totally different way, you’re not asking me out anymore or making suggestive comments and you’re trying to be nice to me.  Every time I speak to you I find it harder and harder to dislike you and…and…”


“And what?” James asked worriedly.  “And what Lily?  What else?”  The tears which were silently falling down Lily’s face made James scared; he couldn’t stand seeing her so upset.


“And I’m scared I still like you,” she looked down at her hands which were clamped in her lap.


“Still like me?” James whispered.


“Yes, still like you,” Lily repeated.  “I liked you until a few weeks ago, I don’t know how long for because the only reason that I admitted it to myself was because of that stupid speak-your-mind potion.  But I didn’t want to get hurt so I made myself get over you.”


“You made yourself get over me?” James asked, his voice rising.  “You can’t make yourself get over someone.”


“Well I did,” Lily snapped.


“Why?”  James asked angrily.  “Why Lily, why do that?  You know how long I’ve liked you for, you can’t begin to imagine the pain it causes me to see you and know I can’t have you.  These passed weeks I’ve tried so hard to forget about you and instead turn my feelings for you into hate, but I can’t do it!  I told you I can’t stand being friends with you, not because I don’t want to, but because I couldn’t stand having that kind of relationship with you; a relationship so close to the one I want.  How can I be friends with someone I’m in…” he stopped.  “I just couldn’t do it.”


“I didn’t give in to my feelings because I didn’t want you to hurt me,” Lily bit.  “Why should I give in to you so that then you can go and prove to me that you can have every other girl?  Just like you said; get the hard part out of the way first.  Don’t give me all that crap about it hurting you.  You haven’t been with any other girls because that would give you even less of a chance with me and therefore your little plan would be ruined.  So I had a choice; give in to my feelings and get hurt when you’ve got want you want or, forget about any stupid feelings that are popping up unwanted.”


“What was said about getting every girl was said by a stupid fourteen year old boy trying to show off,” James said bitterly.  “I would never do anything to hurt you Lily, and if I haven’t proved that to you yet then I don’t know how to do it.”


James felt a hand on his shoulder and sensed Sirius by his side.  “Come on mate, we’re going down to the kitchens.”  James never took his eyes off Lily.


“I once said to my self that I’d wait forever for you Lily Evans,” he told her.


“Forever’s a long time,” Lily said.


“It is,” James replied.  “But there should always be someone worthy enough that you’re willing to wait forever for them.”  Lily nodded.  “I’m not going to wait forever for you Lily,” James said sadly.  “I’ve come to realise that, if you’re going to act like you can’t see how I feel for you, but I know you can, then you’re not worthy enough for me to wait for.”


Lily felt a shiver run down her spine as she looked at James and for once, didn’t see the golden colour that they shone, they were just hazel.  James turned and walked off with Sirius and Lily watched them until they reached the door.  She put her head in her hands and focus on stopping tears falling from her eyes.


“Lily,” a small, deep voice said.  Lily lifted her head and found herself looking into the grey eyes of Sirius Black.  “Are you okay?” he asked genuinely.


“I think so,” Lily replied with a small smile.  Sirius nodded and went to walk off.  “Thanks though.”


“What for,” he asked with a frown. 


“Stopping him from further hurting Snape.”  Sirius nodded and twiddled his wand through his fingers.


“We’re friends Lily,” he said slowly.  “He was wrong for not helping you with the ball and it was even worse for him to ruin it.  I was stopping James for making a prat of him self just as I was stopping him from ruining your night.  That’s what friends are for; Prongs would have done the same for me,” he looked back at the door which Peter was holding open for him.  “He’s a good guy Lily, makes the best friend anyone could ask for,” his eyebrows were rose.  Lily smiled.


“Thanks for letting me know,” she said quietly.  Sirius bowed his head in acknowledgment and made his way over to his other friend.




a.n. Okay, firstly im sorry for the stupid messed up spacing, i don't know how to sort it out =]  Secondly, i wanted this to be about 4,000 words long but i found that i'd put in everything i need with this chapter, which is just under 3,000 =/  But, i did originally intend on this chapter and the one before it to be classified as one so... =]  Anyhoo, a couple of serious chapters lately which, im happy to say, sort of end with this one.  The next one may be pretty serious in places, but it's a nice chapter...well, once it's written it's going to be!  I'm quite pleased with myself for getting this chapter up pretty quickly and for that, i have you lot to thank =D  The reviews were amazing!  And im sooo glad to see people are still reading even after i had disappeared for so long =]  So, thank you all...<3


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