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CHAPTER FOUR.
Addiction


I gently let go, letting my hand rest on the grass beneath me. Sirius wistfully turned his head towards the lake once again but still let his hand remain on top of mine.

"I don't usually do that." he voiced.

I looked down at my lap, not sure what to say. I watched as a small bug crawled onto my lap, then went back down to the grass, burying itself under the green blades. I waited for him to continue but he didn't say anything, so I mustered up the courage and finally spoke.

"So.. does this mean we're officially together?" When the words left my mouth, I silently cursed myself for sounding so stupid.

He looked at me, his eyes a delicate blue as the sun hit them. "Do you want to be?"

Did I? Here was a boy that I had known for four years who had never showed any signs of affection towards me and yet that kiss had left me completely breathless and longing for more. Part of me wanted to say yes, but the other part of me kept nagging me about his reputation. He was a womanizer, a man of many beautiful words but none of which came from the heart. He had a reputation of a heartbreak, a prankster and someone who was just in it for the fun.

I don't know why I said it, but it came out before I planned it and as I said it, I felt a small flutter in my heart, as though it was telling me, "this is it, this is what you've been waiting for".

"Yes."


***



We parted our ways and I left for my dorm, still feeling the warmth of his hand on my cheek and the other gently squeezing my hand. My right leg was slightly itchy from being under the dry, brittle grass but I didn't care. I was happy and that was all that mattered.

I took a look at myself in the mirror in my dorm. My cheeks were flushed red and my lips raw from kissing. I ran a hand through my hair, then peeled off my clothes and changed into one of my nightgowns. The silk felt good against my skin as a slid onto my bed, my book in hand, ready to read then call it a night.

I faintly wondered what he was doing, or thinking. He was so unlike me in every way and I found it interesting. He was barely seen during the weekends, and sometimes during the week. He was always sneaking out of the school and going to parties in Hogsmeade, or walking around the Forbidden Forest smoking.

He had first started the nasty habit of smoking around the same time I met him; third year. He had come back from summer with his hair longer, his figure taller and slightly thinner and a pack of cigarettes tucked into his back pocket. He had managed to fall into the wrong crowd, smoking up at the Astronomy Towers after curfew and sneaking out of school at midnight to meet with some airhead blonde with a nice figure. No one was sure what had happened to him, aside from James Potter. He was suddenly quieter, more mysterious and had a bad streak in him. Finally, towards the end of third year he managed to lighten up, sneak out less and not get involved in as much trouble as he used to, but he still hadn't managed to put away his smoking habit and still had a bad streak in him.

I put my book on my beside and pulled the curtains around my bed, casting a Silencing Charm so I wouldn't be disturbed by my dorm mates when they came up for bed. Tossing and turning in my bed, I replayed the events of the day until I finally managed to drift into sleep.


***



"You'll die if you keep up the habit." I said.

Sirius shrugged and took a long drag, keeping the smoke in his mouth for a few extra seconds before exhaling. "Everyone dies eventually."

"You'll die sooner."

Sirius chuckled and flicked the end of his cigarette with his finger, letting a few bits of ash fall to the ground.

We were sitting up in the Quidditch bleachers and watching the Gryffindor practice, something that Sirius always did to show a bit of support for James. He had invited me along, insisting that it would be a nice change. He had a half empty pack tucked in his back pocket and had a habit of letting his fingers touch the packet every few minutes, assuring himself that it was still there.

"Why don't you try one?" he asked.

I took a look at the slowly burning cigarette in his hand. "No thanks."

"Come on," he said with a grin, pushing the cigarette closer to me. "Give it a go. It's better than you think."

My father did always tell me that I give in to peer pressure to quickly. He said I was too soft at heart and that I should toughen up. I never really cared about all this until that moment, when I found my hand edging closer to the white cylinder that was the cause of many deaths.

Sirius noticed this and brought his hand closer, letting my fingers slide around the cigarette.

"Just inhale, keep the smoke in for a bit, then let it go." he told me.

I nodded and brought the death trap closer to my lips. I brought my mouth on the tip where it was slightly moist from Sirius's lips. As I inhaled, the smoke traveled inside me, filling up my lungs. My eyes watered slightly and I fought the urge to cough. Finally, I exhaled and felt a relief in my body.

And just like that, I was addicted.


***



"I hear you're going out with Sirius." Emmeline said. She was sitting on her bed, her hair high up in a loose bun and was applying a coat of hot red nail polish to her toenails.

I looked up from my essay and shrugged. "I suppose."

"I saw you smoking with him too." Emmeline added.

"It was just one." I replied, going back to my essay. I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and tried to concentrate.

Emmeline leaned back against the wall. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing.. I just never thought you'd smoke."

I didn't reply and tried to focus hard on my essay. Just ignore her, I thought.

"He's not really you're type." Emmeline continued. "I mean.. I feel like I should warn you that he's a heartbreaker. He's only in it for the fun. I was the only person he was every truly serious about. You do remember when we went out for a few months last year, right?"

Of course I did. Everyone did. They were the couple everyone wanted to be like. They were inseperable and looked perfect together. She was the only girl Sirius ever cared about, and rumor has it that he broke up with her because he was falling too hard and didn't want to end up getting hurt. No one had ever seen Sirius look as happy as he did when he went out with Emmeline. But Emmeline was never serious about him, and Sirius knew it. Emmeline had always been in it for the fun while Sirius was willing to commit to something more, to something greater for once. When they did break up, Emmeline managed to find a new boy to go out with within a week. And that right there nearly killed Sirius.

"Yeah." I finally replied.

"The only good thing about him," Emmeline said. "Is that he's a good kisser. That's the only thing that kept me from breaking up with him."

Cold hearted bitch, I thought.

Emmeline got up from her bed and put on a pair of shoes. "Well, I have to go. Benjy's waiting for me."

I looked up and forced a smile. Benjy Fenwick was boyfriend of the month. He was the typical choice; Quidditch player, muscular, and not too bad looking. It was always typical of Emmeline to have a flavor of the month. She had more boyfriends then she could count and has never gone a week being single.

I sighed, pushing the thought out of my mind and tried to concentrate on my Ancient Runes essay. I managed to good in a good few sentences before I was interrupted.

"Lily, you there?"

I sat up on my bed and pushed aside my homework, tucking my quill behind my right ear. "Yes?"

The door opened and there stood Margaret Finning, a Gryffindor 6th year. I knew her well, we had patrolled together for a quite a bit last year when Remus was sick. She was a small, shy girl with brown hair cut into a pixie cut and bright blue eyes. She was a bit wiry but tended to gain a few pounds around the holidays.

"The Head Boy's looking for you." Margaret replied. "He said something about a Head meeting."

Oh sod. I hastily grabbed a piece of parchment and put on my shoes. "Thank you Margaret! I nearly forgot!"

"S'no problem." Margaret said. "Bye Lily."

I smiled a thank you while I tied my shoelaces then darted out the door, running a hand through my hair.

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