Chapter 6: Holy Cow!
I swear I am an evil genius. I didn’t even know I held so much evil in me. Well, James Potter could bring out the bad side in anyone if he really wanted to. He just doesn’t choose to do it to anyone; he only does it to me. Ok, and Snape but he’s pure evil anyway; I once walked past the dungeons and looked in a lab to find him stood over a cauldron, which was bubbling green, cackling. Like a witch. I mean psycho or what?
Anyway, I am so brilliant I think I could take over the world if I wanted to. Actually, scratch that; if anyone was to read this I would be sent to Azkaban for sure. But just to be safe I want you to know, if I did take over the world, I would make it a better place. I would rid it of people like that Lord what-ever-his-name-is who likes to dress people up as skeletons. I thought I should tell you because seriously, I could not handle being in Azkaban with those dementors. It’s bad enough being around Potter who sucks the fun out of everything. Ok, so he actually makes a lot of the fun. I mean, I don’t find what he does fun. This is mainly because most of the fun things he does are at my expense. But I’m sure the rest of the school finds it funny when I’m passing out because of a spider or babbling about killer ghosts.
See! This is what James Potter does to me; he makes me rant and go totally off the point. I want to kill him now and technically this is not his fault. I just find it better to blame him for everything; it makes it easier for me to hate him. Not that it’s hard to do anyway.
Right, back to me being an evil genius. I had a talk with the big headed twirp the other day. You know who I’m talking about when I say twirp right; James I’ll-make-Lily’s-life-hell-if-it’s-the-last-thing-i-do Potter? Yes, I actually had a talk with him. And I spoke calmly, there was no shouting involved. Well don’t seem shocked, it has happened twice before.
So I’d been thinking for a week that I needed to plan some sort of revenge on the boy that is the bane of my existence. It needed to be good, something that would be remembered for a long time. Something that might deflate his head a little. And the idea came to me like that! As soon as he mentioned it I knew what I had to do.
You see, I’ve been reading Advanced Potions in my spare time and the other week came across a very interesting concoction. The potion makes its drinker hallucinate, seeing whatever the maker wants them to see. Potter is afraid of cows. In fact, he’s petrified of them. You heard me correctly, those cute things with big watery eyes scare the almighty James Potter.
The only problem that I realised was I needed a cow’s hair. Now, I have a very clever friend in 7th year that is the top of her class in transfiguration so we decided to do a practice dose this morning using a transfigured cow. It worked perfectly. The only thing that I need to do now is somehow slip my potion into Potter’s dinner time drink. How I’m going to do it I have no idea. But I’m Lily Evans, new found evil genius; I will find a way.
End of Lily’s POV
Lily Evans stood by the doors which lead to the great hall, her three best friends traipsed slowly behind her. She held a mirror up to her face briefly and frowned at her reflection. “I cannot believe I am going to do this,” she almost mumbled.
“I think it’s hilarious,” Alice chuckled.
“It’s only what he deserves,” Zayda said seriously.
“I don’t know,” Celina nibbled her bottom lip nervously. “You could get into some serious trouble Lily.” Lily seemed slightly worried as she pondered over what her friend just told her.
“I…I don’t care,” Lily stuttered. “I’m fed up of Potter and his stupid little stunts. And anyway, we always prank them back.”
“Yes, but they’re simple things like whoopee coushins or disguising vomit flavour beans as caramel ones. I suppose in a way, this could potentially be dangerous.”
“Stop trying to talk her out of it Celina! She needs to show Potter he can’t mess her about.” Zayda rounded on her.
“I’m not. I just want you to know what you’re getting yourself into Lily. We know what you’re like.”
“I know,” Lily said barely audible. “Everyone knows what I’m like. But I am about to prove them wrong.” She lifted her head high and strutted confidently towards the Gryffindor table.
Click Clack could be heard across the floor as a girl pushed the doors open and stalked into the great hall. Lily Evans flicker her hair back casually over her shoulders and slowly applied some red lipstick. Heads turned in her direction and boys wolf whistled.
“OI!” James Potter shouted whilst turning to give all the boys in the hall threatening glares. He ripped his cloak from around his shoulders and ran to cover Lily’s almost completely bare legs.
“Oh James,” Lily pouted whilst patting his arm playfully.
“Red!” Sirius exclaimed looking Lily up and down. “New wardrobe?” He asked nodding approvingly.
“Oh Sirius,” Lily giggled as she nudged into him and took a seat between him and James. She turned her attention to James who surveyed her through wide eyes. “Jamsie,” Lily began fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously.
“Jamsie?” James narrowed his eyes slightly. “What’s happened to you Lily?”
“What ever do you mean?” Lily asked innocently placing a hand on her chest. “Do you not like my clothes James?” She crossed her legs which made her already extremely short skirt rise even higher up her thighs as she fingered the edge of its pleats.
“No, no red. What you’re wearing is perfect,” Sirius added whilst placing his hand on Lily’s knee. She slapped it away playfully.
“Tut tut Sirius,” she giggled. Sirius licked his lips at her as a smirk played across his face. Kill me now, she thought. Lily turned her attention back to James and pouted at him.
“Hmm?” She raised her eyes brows.
“No I…I love what you’re wearing Lily it’s just that…Well…” James struggled to get his words out.
“James?” Lily whispered; James gulped as she ran a finger softly down his cheek. He shut his eyes and took deep breaths. You’re James Potter god damn it, pull yourself together! Right on cue, arrogant mode kicked in. When James opened his eyes the smirk was present.
“Yes Lily?” He took her hand in his as he scooted closer to her and placed a hand lightly around her waist. This time it was Lily’s turn to close her eyes and take deep breaths. “Can I help you with anything?” Lily’s eyes may have been closed but she knew when she opened them she would find his face extremely close to hers as she felt his breath tickle her ear.
“Could you pour me some of that pumpkin juice?” This was the time to make her move. She pulled the glass vile out and put it behind her back as she flicked the lid off of it. James winked at her before turning to get the juice and Lily quickly looked around to make sure no one was looking. Sirius was deep in conversation with Remus and Peter but was slyly smirking at her ever now and then. She took the opportunity when he was animatedly gesturing something to slip the potion into James’ half full cup and dropped the vile back into her pocket before he turned back towards her.
“There you go Lily Flower,” he whispered as he pushed the cup into her hand. Lily giggled girly and couldn’t refrain from rolling her eyes at herself. She was reminded of the girls that threw themselves at James at every opportunity. “You know flower I think I like this side of you.”
“Really?” Lily said whilst placing a hand lightly on his chest. James slid an arm over her shoulder as he continued.
“Yep. Well actually,” a look of confusion came over James as he scratched his head in puzzlement. “Actually no I don’t. Well I don’t not like you I mean, what you’re wearing.”
“What?” Lily withdrew back and stared at James. Oh come on; short skirt tight shirt, it was James’ perfect girl.
“Well it looks kind of slutty don’t you think?” James screwed up his face slightly. “I mean, you’re gorgeous and you don’t need to do all this.” However Lily did not hear this last bit because her raging temper was pounding in her ears. He had just made her feel so stupid.
“Slutty?” James gulped. “I cannot believe you have just said that to me when any girl you’ve ever dated skirt has been twice as short as this one. It’s just because it’s me isn’t it? You just have to make me look like a complete idiot!” Lily voice was now one of a high screech as her eyes bore into James’ evilly.
“No…No…No,” James couldn’t think of anything to say. He took a big gulp of his pumpkin juice in hope that it would wet his dry throat.
“That’s all you ever want to do to me isn’t it?” Lily, who by now had stood, walked towards James threateningly. “Make me look…” However she was refrained from carrying on this sentence by James’ frantic…screaming? Yes it was true; James Potter screamed. Like a girl.
“GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!”
“It?...IT!?” Lily was now so vexed she could have hexed James to oblivion but slowly it dawned on her what was happening. A slow grin spread across her face as a chocked laugh left her mouth. “Well, well Potter.” It was now Lily’s turned to smirk.
“You can talk?” James asked as his eyes widened and he stumbled up onto the table full of food. “And you know my name? COWS AREN’T MEANT TO TALK!” James flung his hands up over his eyes and called for someone to remove the cow from the school. Everyone was hysterical laughing and Lily chanced a glance at the heads table. Dumbledore looked down at her with an amused expression and his eyes twinkled before he winked at her. Lily chuckled slightly and decided James had suffered enough. To stop the potion she just had to tell him that he was hallucinating.
“Ok, ok I think we’ve seen enough.” Lily walked towards James but he let out a petrified scream.
“Don’t…Don’t come any close,” he threatened holding out a stick of French bread. Lily raised her eye brows confused and turned to look at her friends who shrugged their shoulders.
“Potter what are you doing?”
“Stay away from me you…you…you fat cow!” Lily gasped. “I’m not eight years old any more. You can’t chase me; I’m bigger than you!” James stumbled over the table and onto the bench on the opposite side. “You may have caught me once but you won’t catch me now!” It suddenly hit Lily that James seemed to think she was the cow. She wasn’t sure whether to find it funny or to be insulted. James spun on his heels and was nearly out of the hall before Lily shouted after him.
“Potter you’re hallucinating!” James came to a sudden halt just inside the great hall and turned swiftly. He spoke through gritted teeth.
Damn her! Damn that girl! I could kill her if I didn’t love…Like (slip of the tongue) her so much. I wanted to take my hands and grip her neck and…Pull her towards me and kiss her! Oh I’m so weak! If any other girl had done that to me I would have strangled them. Ok, no I wouldn’t have because I don’t hurt girls but I would have done something. I would make up a really really good prank which would humiliate them in front of the whole school like she did to me. Wait, like I did to her with the spider. I got what I deserved didn’t I?
I am such a jerk.
I think I need therapy. I have like this alter-ego. I’ve named him Trevor. Yes that’s right I gave this thing in my head a name. He’s like a Sirius that is permanently with me; ok that’s not the right way to put it because I am always with Sirius. Well, it’s like this Sirius which I can’t ignore. I think to be charming and funny and he tells me how to do it. From his point of view, a girl will fall for me if I’m cocky and brag about myself. I’ve done it all my life so it’s a hard routine to get out of.
When Lily approaches me I think ”Right this is it James, show her the real you. Show her the you who will charm her socks off and she’ll fall for you instantly.” But then as Lily gets closer my mind blanks and I don’t know what to say so Trevor jumps in saying, "James my main man! Tell her to go out with you because if she doesn’t soon you might just change your mind and then she’ll be gutted.” I try to push him out of my head but without him I would probably stare at her like a drowning fish.
Gosh that girl makes me lose my mind. I’m not here to babble on about her, even if I could do it all day and night, I’m here to explain my plan for revenge. Right, that’s a lie. Initially I was here to bang on about how annoying she is but I knew you’d see right through me.
You see, there’s this dude, Jonathan. He asked Lily out last night and it was just before she was going to confess her undying love for me. Or maybe she was just going to tell me how I have changed again but it’s a step closer than telling me she hates me. Anyway, she said yes and they’re going to Hogsmead this weekend. It is not funny so don’t laugh or I will hex you. This is not an empty threat; ask Peter.
The point I was trying to get at is that I have come out with another one of my ingenious plans that will hopefully rid me of this problem. There’s this girl in Ravenclaw who has been throwing herself at me since the start of term; it’s really annoying. I am so not interested. Anyhow, I’ve decided I might as well give her a chance and asked her to Hogsmead this weekend. But I have alternative motives. I’m going to suggest a double date with my flower and Jonny. I know Lily will refuse but Jonny is too nice to say no.
My plan is to spend the first half of the date all over urm…Bianca I do believe her name is…And then spend the second half warning Jonny off of Lily. My aims are to see if Lily gets jealous of Bianca (which was Trevor’s idea of course) and to get rid of Jonny. I’m not quite sure how to get over the Jonathan problem because, well, he’s a big guy. But I’m James Potter, prankster prince. I’ll have a few tricks up my sleeve.
End of James’ POV
Lily Evans and her date, Jonathan McCain, were sat in a very secluded part of the Hogs Head pub quietly talking. Well, Jonathan was talking and Lily was trying not to fall asleep. She did like the boy but all he had done for the last half an hour was bang on about quidditch. She liked to watch the sport but it was bad enough being in the common room when James talked very loudly about how he was told by someone scouting 7th years that his wronsky feint was the best they’d ever seen.
Lily rolled her eyes for the fourth time as he took a sip of his drink, she thought he had finished bragging about his skills, but he just took a breath and carried on. Jonathan must have noticed her boredom, finally.
“Oh I’m sorry; this must be an awful boring conversation for you.” Jonathan said politely taking Lily’s hand in his.
“Oh n…” Lily began.
“Good. Because I still haven’t told you all about our match against Slytherin which got us the cup.” Lily slouched down in her chair as Jonathan carried on. He was telling her the match play for play and the worst part was, she’d already heard it. Potter had given her the whole account last year. She swore they thought she was stupid; she was up in the stands watching the match.
“Jonathan listen,” she decided she’d let him down gently and come up with some excuse. “I’ve had a great time with you today but I really have a load…”
“Evans!” James Potter walked through the door to the pub and made a bee line for that secluded corner. Lily swore he had a Lily radar because there was no way he would have spotted her that easily. “Well what a surprise.”
“It’s hardly a surprise Potter. You asked me where Jonathan and I were off to at breakfast this morning,” Lily stated dryly. James chose to ignore this comment having nothing to come back with.
“You guys don’t mid if we join you do you?”
“Oh you’re so kind. It’s so busy in here we would be waiting forever for a table.” James had an annoyingly big smile plastered across his face.
Lily glanced around her; there were at least four free tables within 5 feet of them. She raised an eye brow to James who flashed his smile at her.
Lily turned her attention to the girl who accompanied James. She knew she was not a Gryffindor because she couldn’t recognise her. She had shoulder length brown hair and hazel eyes. She was quite pretty Lily supposed.
“Hi, I’m Lily Evans.” Lily conversed as she held out her hand.
“I know,” the girl answered friendly. “I’m Bianca Jane.” Lily smiled warmly and was about to indulge into some sort of conversation with her before Potter leant over the table and forced his lips onto Bianca’s. Lily rolled her eyes and turned her focus across to Jonathan who had finished his quidditch talk and was now onto some book he had just read.
James opened his eyes and looked side ways at the girl next to him. Lily was paying his behaviour no attention what so ever so he decided to surface. He smiled at Bianca who blushed slightly.
“Oh my god I love that bit,” Lily said in awe. Jonathan was just talking about a section in a book which he loved; Lily was shocked to find that she liked it too. “And when he’s about to hang and she shout’s that she loves him.” She sighed.
“I have to admit even I nearly cried at that bit,” Jonathan said truthfully. Lily thought this was awfully cute but James began to snigger.
“Is there something funny Potter?” Lily snapped.
“You nearly cried reading a book?” James asked Jonathan with a smirk. Jonathan glared at James who glared right back. Lily rolled her eyes; she seemed to be doing that a lot today.
“Well at least he doesn’t cry when he sees a cow,” Lily spat.
“Oh yes about that. Ingenious plan Evans I must say so myself.” James said sarcastically.
“Wasn’t it.” Lily smiled sweetly. “I have to admit, I think I might have out done the marauders.”
James couldn’t help but chuckle. He was thinking the same thing himself. Of course if he had planned it the whole of Slytherin would have been hallucinating things. But for an amateur she did extremely well. “Evans, you came very close to it, but it’ll never happen.” James smiled. A shocked look momentarily came over his face as he realised Trevor had not just butted in. Had he finally left him alone?
Jonathan stood up and went to get some drinks whilst Bianca went to use the toilet. Trevor decided to make an appearance. “Your brains and my pranking skills could make some real magic,” Lily laughed and James tried to push Trevor away as he fought to keep her smiling. But he was too weak. “You and I together could make some real trouble.”
Lily watched as the smirk appeared; she knew it was coming. She was kind of intrigued by the way his eyes seemed to be disappointed by himself though. “Come any closer to me Potter and I will knock your lights out.”
James sighed. “I know. Lily I want you to know,” a serious look came over his face. “One of these days I’m going to prove to you that I am no longer an immature child.”
“And how are you going to go about doing that?” Lily questioned.
“Well,” oh no not Trevor again. “I could show you but I don’t think you’ll approve.”
“Potter get out of my way,” Lily said rising.
“Where are you going?” James asked suddenly.
“I am leaving.”
“Don’t go,” James almost pleaded.
“James Potter get out of my way now.”
“Or what?” Smirk.
“I’ll scream,” Lily stated simply.
“Go on then. Scream.”
“James,” Lily said through gritted teeth. “Move out of my way NOW!” Her wand flew under his chain and James lifted his arms up in surrender as he slid off his seat.
“I’ll see you later Lily Flower,” he called to her retreating back. James slouched back onto his seat and banged his head off the table. “Why do you always have to mess things up? When are you going to leave me alone?”
“Not until I get you the girl, Jamsie my man.”
“Well you’re not helping!” James whispered frustrated. “Great, and now I am having a conversation with the man in my head.” He hit his head extra hard on the wooden table.
“Are you alright Potter?” Jonathan had come back from getting drinks. James raised his head and scowled at him.
“Peachy,” he answered overly happily.
“Where’s Lils?” He asked worriedly. Lils? Don’t call her Lils, James thought.
“She left,” he answered.
“What did you do?” Jonathan asked accusingly as he put the drinks down on the table. James stood.
“What do you mean what did I do?”
“Well you must have done something for her to leave. It wouldn’t surprise me; you’re always doing her head in.”
“Listen mate,” James said through gritted teeth. He stepped towards Jonathan so that they were eye level with each other. They were the same height but Jonathan was probably twice the width of James. “I would never do anything to purposely upset Lily. Maybe she’s just not interested in you.”
Jonathan took a step forward. “If I find out you’ve done anything to upset her…”
“I’m not interested,” James cut across him. “Like she clearly isn’t. I suggest you give up.”
“If I find out you hurt her I’ll kill you,” James stated.
“You’ll seriously go all the way just to prove you can get any girl?”
“Don’t accuse me McCain. I’m not like that,” James said threateningly.
Jonathan laughed, “Whatever.” He turned and strutted from the pub.
James clenched and un-clenched his fist before turning and slamming his hand down, in frustration, onto the table. A pain shot through his wrist and up his arm; James drew in a quick breath tuning to leave, he slammed the door shut behind him.
Bianca emerged from the toilets and took a seat at the table where her date was just five minutes ago. She looked around confused as Madame Rosmerta approached her.
“Here’s ya’ bill honey.”
Bianca took the paper and looked down at it wide eyed.
A.N Well, theres chapter 6 ^_^ Hope yu enjoyed =] My review box is pretty hungry...It told me that if it doesnt get fed its gunna pack up this story and run away wiff it. I knoo, drama queen but hey...wouldnt yu run away if yu werent being fed?...Though so ^_^ Can i ask yu a massive favour....could yu check out my other story...i've just came to a big bit where id love some peoples opinions =] Sorry, its like 17 chapters but maybe yu could just read and review chapter 17 hehe n_n Well, ill shush now....oh yersh, recommend some of yur stories...chances are ill have read some already but i LOVE to read just as much as i love to write =] And i leave BIG comments so yersh...^_^
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