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Chapter 4: Secrets and Decisions

They year flew by with me in Remus’s arms. Before I knew it, it was February. “Remus!” I said as he took my hand. “Just tell me! I hate surprises! You know that!” I wined.

Remus smiled. “You’ll just have to wait! “ I groaned, but smiled. I trusted Remus. He would never hurt me. I let him take me down to the grounds to find a picnic waiting for us by the lake, the sun, right in front of us, on its way to set. It was beautiful. We ate and watched a beautiful sunset, but then another popped into my head. It was the fist time that I had thought bout James since the first time Remus and I kissed. The sunset brought it all back. I was instantly saddened. Remus noticed, and asked what was wrong.

I couldn’t tell him that I ever had/still had feelings for a guy that I met over the summer for two weeks! “I’m just, tiered.” I said. Remus gave a faint smile. We continued until the sun was long gone, and then headed back inside. Many other couples were out, with it being Valentines Day and all.

We had the common room to ourselves. I led Remus to the couch where we watched the fire a bit. When we sat down, our legs tangled. After about a half an hour of me being in his arms, Remus looked at me and gently brushed his lips over mine. Every so often, it got more passionate, but still soft, slow and sweet. It was a while before someone came into the common room. I couldn’t tell you how long though. All sense of time was erased, but of all people, it had to be Peter. He quickly ran up to his dorm to leave us where we were.

Eventually I broke off. “It’s getting late and people will be back soon. I need some sleep as well.” Remus nodded and let me go. Truthfully, I wasn’t tiered at all. I just needed some time to think. The whole sunset thing though, I don’t know. I don’t know anything any more. James never came into my mind since the beginning of the year, and now, he is back. I truly thought that I was over him, but I guess not. I didn’t understand myself. I was in love with a guy that I had only met once and over a period of nine days! I tried asking myself if I really loved James, or if I really loved Remus, or did I love either one of them, or am I just going crazy? I think that it is the last one.

Weeks went by, and I still wasn’t sure. I had been trying to look deep into myself, but part of me was worried about Remus as well. Once every once in a while, he would come to breakfast looking all beat up and tiered. He would never give a strait explanation. In the middle of April, Remus actually came to me about it. “I can’t do it anymore.” He said. I looked up from Runes Homework with a questioned look on my face, saying, ‘go on. What do you mean?’ He understood, so he said, “ Well, there is something that I have been keeping away from Peter for a reason, and you and Niki. I know that you have been wondering why I sometimes look absolutely horrible. I just didn’t want you to worry about me. But, well, the thing is, I am a werewolf.” My eyes widened, but then softened. I reached over and gave him a huge hug. I now understood.

There was just one thing that I didn’t understand. “Why didn’t you tell us before? We could have helped. Well, me and Niki anyway.” I asked.

“Well, I didn’t want you to worry, or no longer be there for me. It made me feel better to come in the morning after a rough night, and see you and Niki there, waiting for me.” He said. “I didn’t think that you would except me. And, I was ashamed.”

I looked at him. “What of? You are my best friend, boyfriend even! I would never leave you just because you are a werewolf! We want to help!” I said, trying to comfort him.

“Thanks.” He said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said, and kissed him. “If there is anything that I can do, just let me know.” Remus nodded and smiled.

This made everything more complicated. How could I let him go knowing that?! Not only that, but for someone that I will never see again? I was horrible. Now knowing all of this, it would be extremely hard on him. I had to go to the only person that I knew would be able to give me answers. “Niki! I need to talk to you!” I said when she walked in the door.

“What about?” she asked as she sat on my bed.

“Well, I am not sure if I love Remus anymore, but he just told me something that makes everything more complicated!” Niki looked at me. “He is a werewolf, and I don’t want him thinking that that is the reason why I want to break up!” Niki looked at me, understanding.

It took her a moment to come up with an idea. “Well, the words, ‘I love you, just more as a brother’ haven’t been used by anyone we know.” Niki said. This was true. None of us has ever said that or have ever heard that. Well, except for Niki. Her older sister used that one, but Remus didn’t know that. Niki knew that I didn’t love Remus like I used to. She just heard every other reason other than the main one. All I needed was a day. Since it was the middle of April, I figured May eighth. That was a Saturday, so he would have a day to not worry about any classes. I just hoped that he would be able to take it well, and that we would still be friends in the end.

Days went by and each seemed like ages long! Then may first came along. I was as nervous as hell. I didn’t know how I was going to say it, when, and tried to figure out every possible reaction, most not so good. I was a wreck. By the end of the week, I looked like how I felt. My hair wasn’t too good, I didn’t even bother with makeup, and my outfits were nothing like I would normally wear. I was a completely different person. Remus was taking notice to the new me and kept asking me if I was ok. He cared about me so much. It just made me feel even worse. Knowing that he didn’t have a clue.

Eventually the day came. It was about noon before I got out of bed. I really didn’t want to face the world. The day was already bad. I didn’t want it to get worse. Just knowing that I was going to break my best friends heart was bad enough for me. When I did finally roll out of bed and put on some day clothes and went down stairs, it was one. Remus was by the fire, waiting for me. “hi,” he said, smiling when he saw me come down the steps.

“Hi,” I said, just over a whisper.

“I didn’t know when you were coming down, so I brought you some breakfast.” Remus said, opening the two plates. Pancakes. My favorite. Now I regretted not going down for breakfast. That way, the pancakes would have made me feel somewhat better, but since Remus brought them up, and I was just going to let him go, I decided not to eat. I knew that they would taste bitter with a side of guilt.

“Um, Remus,” I started. He looked up. “Um, we need to,” talk? Was that the best I had? That was so cliché! Not to mention obvious. “Well, what I mean is that, I want out.” I said, as calmly as I could. I tried to choke back the tears, but they came out anyway. I could see the hurt in Remus’s eyes.

“Why?” he asked.

I knew that it would come up eventually. Thank god that Niki’s voice popped into my head. “Well, I feel like I love you more as a brother than a boyfriend.” I said. Remus nodded. I gave him a hug, and without touching my pancakes, went back upstairs. I knew that I was brief, but I needed to leave. I felt so horrible, but it was going to happen sooner or later.

A few weeks passed, and Remus was talking to me again, thank goodness. We were friends again, and well, things were better. We had exams to study for! Gosh! I hate those! Why do we have to take them again? I mean! Come on! We take one every year, and two very impotent ones in our fifth and seventh year! Why do we have to take five more? Couldn’t they just, you know, skip it for once? All of the teachers are giving us five or so essays that are all like, ten feet long! I had to look for something in my first year potions book! Isn’t that sad? Smart Lily had to look something up that she should have known for ages! I swear! I am loosing it!

“Lily! Slow down! You should be relaxing now!” Niki said while I was flipping through my second year defense against the dark arts book. “You are over working yourself! You need a break!”

“I know, but if I take a break, then I will forget everything and then will have to go through all of my books again!” I said through gritted teeth. “And you are just slowing me down! Once I read through everything one more time and take the damn test! THEN I will relax! But up until then, I need quiet!”

“SHH!!” Madam Pince said when I got too loud.

I looked over. “That is why I am in the library!” Niki rolled her eyes. “Whatever! I just need to study!”

Niki backed up with her hands right next to her face with her fingers spread apart as far as they would go. “Ok! Ok! I get it!” she said and turned around and left. I shook my head and looked back down. Oh great. I lost my place.

Eventually I saw more people enter the library. My sanctuary is now being taken over! I grabbed all of my books and headed for the door. It was only six thirty. Still early. Most of the people coming in were in fifth and seventh year. They should have started studying a long time ago! They must have gone to dinner early. Hmm. That sounds good. I decided to go to dinner. The chicken was wonderful! I love Hogwarts chicken.

On the day of the test, Remus, Niki and I were all extremely nervous. I heard a rumor that Sirius Black was going to try to get in with the second years and take their test. We all got into the line to get our quill, ink, and test before sitting down in one of the long rows. I was in between Niki and Remus. The night before we made a promise to wait until the others were done. To know when someone was done, they would put their quill in the right corner of their desk.

I was the first to finish. It was quite easy. It usually was, but I wanted to get as much studying as I possibly could, just in case. Remus ended shortly after I did. Niki had some struggles though. Then we all turned in our paper and got in line for the spell test. We talked about how the previous test was ok. We all knew that tomorrows test would be worse. The first test is always the tip of the iceberg. Only two more tests to go, then I can relax! Until then though, I am going to be buried in books.

Once all three tests were done and over with, we got a week break. I was so thankful for that! So was Niki. We spent the first day just lying in bed sleeping. It was wonderful. Then Remus made us come down the next day. We hit him upside the head for that. For the rest of the week, we just hung out.

The last month of the school year was fun. We didn’t have nearly as much homework as before! We had more time to sit on the grounds and do nothing. Soon though, we had to leave back for home. I didn’t want to go, but I knew that I would. My family and I were going to go on a vacation again this year. I hoped to see James again. I guess my hopes were a little too high because I asked around, and they said that he just moved. I spent the days on the beach, just like the year before, and in the waves, just with one thing missing. James.

A/N: yes, this is the end of chapter four. I am having a total writers block right now. I am sorry, but I probably wont update in a while, but please, still review! And I promise, when I get an idea, I will write it, but until then, you are just going to have to wait, and I am sorry.

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