Disclaimer:// I don’t own the characters from Harry Potter, which you recognise, nor do I own anything else except the plot of the story. The song ‘Hello’ from which random lyrics are taken is by evanescence.
Summary:// Suffering from the pain of loss, Lily hides herself from everyone she knows – determined never to show her feelings again. James, through a mischance finding out her problem, is equally determined to make her feel again . . . l/j, r+r please!
Authors Note:// Wow! Major writing day is upon me! Through beautiful luck, I have gained the day off school, and will thus dedicate it to writing. [and before I get another e-mail telling me I leave all my stories at chapter 2 – I have written chapter 3 to two of the stories – I’m just modifying them . . .] I had this idea quite a while ago – before Ootp, so it doesn’t quite fit with that . . . please review! –Elegy
Part I: I’m not broken
Lily Evans stood on the platform, watching as each of the parents kissed and waved their children away. Glancing behind her at the wall which she had come through, she remembered how her parents had always stayed behind, determined one day that they would also be able to come and see the train and the school she spoke so highly of.
But that day had never come, and now it never would.
Remembering how happy she had been, how happy they had been, Lily’s eyes threatened to release the pain behind them – which she had been attempting to hide for the entire summer.
"Remember to write to us Lily!" her mother said, waving as Lily turned around to enter the platform.
"We’ll miss you," her father added. "Love you Lily! We’ll be careful of your room – no moving the teddy bears, right?"
He winked at her, bright emerald eyes flashing.
"Dad!" Lily hissed, glancing around her. "People are going to hear you!"
"Are you ashamed of us? Don’t want people to know that we love you, and how we leave your bears alone?" her mother said, in a tone of voice that Lily couldn’t decipher.
"No . . ." Lily said, hugging them both. "I’ll miss you."
"Write to us!" her father yelled behind her, as she left them. "We might even be able to write back soon!"
Lily rolled her eyes, caught up to where her friends were waiting for her, and together they walked through the wall.
That had been last year. Sure, her parents would embarrass her occasionally, but no more than others. They had been so happy, so overjoyed of having a witch in the family. Holding her head high, she walked forwards and onto the train.
"Ah . . . fashionably late as ever," Remus stated as James and Sirius came hurrying onto the train, just as it had started to move.
"I was never in any doubt that we’d catch it," Sirius said confidently, arms crossed in defiance.
"This is coming from the guy who, two minutes ago, was screaming ‘Hurry James! We’re going to miss it! What? . . . I don’t care about your bloody shoelace! Limp to the damn thing! Just limp fast . . ." James mimicked in a high-pitched voice, making Remus and Peter laughed, while Sirius sulked.
"So . . . we hear you got to be Head Boy," Remus said wryly, glancing at James.
James grinned, and hunted in his pocket for his badge – realised it wasn’t there, and delved into his case.
"Ten galleons they give the place to someone else by the end of the week," Sirius muttered, watching James throw everything around the compartment, cursing.
"Add another two, betting they’ll give the placement badgeless," Remus muttered back.
After several more minutes, James eventually found his badge, hidden beneath six textbooks, inside some socks. With a large grin, he pinned it to his jumper.
"Well, we can now definitely confirm that you’re a boy – something we’ve been doubting for a while," Sirius said, smiling, indicating where a chocolate smudge had blocked out the ‘H’.
James glanced down, and quickly rubbed out the chocolate with his sleeve, cursing himself for not removing the chocolate frogs he didn’t eat last year – and attempting to see what else was covered in chocolate.
"Really becomes you," Remus stated grinning.
"Sort of," Sirius said casually. "By the way James, your chocolate frog remains have your Transfiguration book saying ‘advad tranuratn’."
Whilst James was frantically de-chocolating his books, Lily walked past them, head held high, robes and ‘HG’ badge already on.
"You have Lily Evans for company, James." Remus said, winking.
"Really?" James asked, looking up. "Oh, that’s good, she’s cute. Maybe I can get her to go out with me this year . . ."
"Why’s that?" James asked, offended.
"Nothing to do with you," Remus said, frowning. "Katie said that she hasn’t owled them all summer, and she’s been ignoring all their letters. She never showed up at Nikki’s birthday thing – which they planned for ages, so basically, she’s not in the best of moods these days."
"Katie? Oh, that girl you liked. Wonder what’s wrong with Lily?" James thought aloud.
"Who cares? Come on, game of snap." Sirius said, shuffling his cards.
Six hours, and four singed eyebrows later, the train pulled into the Hogwarts station.
"Hi Remus!" Katie called, as she met him walking into the hall. "Hi James, Sirius. Have nice hols?"
"Okay," Remus replied, and James and Sirius echoed this. "How were yours?"
"Same. Took me almost the entire time to finish that terrible Potions thing – why did I take it? I agree with Nikki – I think I’ve totally flipped."
"Hmm . . . yeah, I think I agree with that as well. Anyone who takes Potions has flipped," Sirius stated, glancing at James and Remus.
"What’s up with Lily?" James asked Katie, suddenly.
Katie shrugged. "Dunno," she said, as they sat down at the table, "it just seems like she’s ignoring us. She didn’t talk to anyone over the holidays, and she hasn’t talked to us on the train either. She didn’t even sit with us – and we know she had to go somewhere, ‘cause of the Head Girl thing . . ."
Remus and Sirius glanced at James, who shrugged. "No one told me I had to go anywhere."
The Hall was then called into silence so that the Sorting could begin.
Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
As soon as the feast was over, Lily retreated upstairs to her dormitory as fast as she could. Nothing had really happened at the feast, lots of clapping, lots of false smiles. She’d never wanted the feast to be over as quickly as she had wanted it over then. She just wanted to get out of then way of everyone, and be alone with her own thoughts.
With that pre-occupied mind, she hadn’t even realised that James had been made Head Boy alongside her. If she had noticed, maybe she wouldn’t have clapped and smiled as the occasion called for. Maybe she would have glared silently.
Hurrying to where her bed was, she pulled the curtains shut quickly, got out parchment and a quill, and began to write.
"Dear mom and dad," she began. "Been having an okay time . . . again wish you could see where I spend most of my life . . ."
Her mother had always been fascinated by anything magical. She would have tried to understand anything written in the textbooks, and always tested Lily on what they said. She had never got used to the post methods. The first time an owl had come through the window and dropped in a letter, she had screamed – but she had been getting better. The last time she had just jumped and dropped the china cup of tea she was holding.
Has no one told you she’s not breathing?
She stopped writing her letter for a while, as her mind began to question the sanity of writing a letter to her parents. Even magic couldn’t send it to them, nor owls, nor anything. It would never reach them. She continued writing. She’d hurt them, and the least she could do would be to show she remembered her promise of always writing.
No matter what happened.
Hello I’m your mind giving you someone to talk to
She paused again as she heard Bella, Nikki, Katie and Sophie come up the stairs. Quickly pulling back the covers, she got into bed and pretended to sleep. She wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. She didn’t want any sympathy.
"Where’s Lily?" Katie asked, her shadow moving around the curtains of Lily’s bed.
"Don’t know. Asleep probably. Has she said a word to any of you? About why she’d been avoiding us for the entire holidays and has now continues this through school?" Nikki’s voice asked of them.
"Shhh, she might still be awake," Sophie whispered. "She obviously has her reasons."
"Yeah, whatever," Nikki muttered, going into the bathroom.
After that Lily could just hear hushed voices, that no matter how hard she listened, she couldn’t make out what they were saying. After she was confident that they all had gone to bed, she got out her quill and unfinished letter, and continued writing.
When she had done, she crept across the room silently, still dressed, and walked down the stairs, heading for the grounds.
James, Sirius and Remus stayed up talking in the common room, long after everyone else had gone to bed. They were talking about noting in particular – it just seemed like a good idea to talk.
"So what do you think the work load will be like this year?" Remus asked, yawning. "It can’t get much worse, lets look on the bright side."
"Oh, I’ve no doubt that they’ll find a way to make it worse," James sighed. "They always manage to, year after year. Remember how hard we thought it was in fourth year? Then they hit us with fifth year – thought I’d never make it."
"Yeah, but it’s not like you overworked yourself," Remus replied smiling.
James shrugged. "I did as much as the occasion called for."
"Well, the occasion didn’t call for much then, did it?" Sirius added, enjoying the ‘get at James’ lack of work conversation. "I mean, it was only exams determining your future . . . nothing at all really."
"Hey! That’s hypocritical!" James exclaimed. "You did less than me!"
"Lets get off the subject of work," Sirius stated hastily. "This is our last night before our last year of work – lets not spoil it."
"Ah . . . changing the subject, Sirius?" Remus asked, smiling.
"Well, I just feel that the last night of freedom could be spent in better conversations, than how little revision myself or James here, did."
Just as silence fell over the group, Lily ran past them, and out of the common room. James, who was closest, noticed how her eyes were threatening to spill with tears.
"Wonder what that was for?" Sirius pondered out loud.
"You know what? I’m going to find out," James stated suddenly, grabbing his cloak and following Lily outside.
"Great people they chose to be the Head Boy and Girl," Sirius told Remus as James left. "Both determined to leave the castle after eleven, just as they’ve told everyone else they’re not allowed to."
If I smile and don’t believe
Soon I know I’ll wake from this dream
Lily stood at the edge of the water, watching the lake as it rippled and shone, so beautiful. So perfect. But life shouldn’t be perfect for anyone, anything, throwing a stone that splashed, disrupting the peaceful serenity of the flow.
She clutched her letters tightly in her hand, and with a last look at the writing she spent so long on, took out her wand.
As the parchment burnt to ashes, and flew away into the wind, the memories came back of how her parents had always loved reading her letters . . . how she had promised them every week to write.
And that was a promise she could try to keep, watching the ashes fly away into the sky, to where her parents may be looking down on her, smiling on her.
Maybe they could even see the school.
Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken.
Hello, I’m the lie living for you so you can hide.
It was all her fault. Just like Petunia said it was. . . all her fault. If she hadn’t been a witch, he would never have found them . . . and . . .
She stopped thinking about what had happened. It was still too soon, still too much pain.
And they’d been so proud. So proud of what she was, what she could become.
Were they proud now? Of what witches and wizards were?
Or did they look upon her and wish she had been normal . . .
Biting her lip to try and stop the tears, which were building, she dropped to her knees, mud splattering her robes.
Deep in thought, deep in prayer.
James hurried across the grounds and followed Lily as she walked upto the lake. Hiding silently behind a group of trees, he watched as she burnt the parchment, and watched it float away in the slight breeze.
For the next few minutes she seemed immobile, until she dropped to her knees in the mud, and whispered words that James had to move nearer to hear.
To hear what had been hurting her. To pity her.
For a while, Lily was silent, thinking about everything, yet nothing.
"Mom, Dad?" she said quietly after a while. "Can you even hear me? I’m so sorry . . ."
"But I’m still here, Mom, Dad," Lily whispered to no one, holding back the tears. "I’m living on. I love you both, wherever you are."
Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping.
Hello, I’m still here.
"Just promise you’ll forgive me," Lily said faintly, her voice shaking, tears flowing quickly. "And, please still love me . . . like you said you always would . . ."
All that’s left of yesterday.
[Song lyrics used here are from ‘Evanescence – Hello, which is a great song. Sad, but great.]
Authors Note:// I don’t think I made it too sad . . . I don’t want it to be terribly angsty. I’ve also developed a habit of putting song lyrics into the first and last chapters [in my head], and at the time the song seemed to fit . . . could you review? I’d be very happy . . . –Elegy.
Thanks to Sunny – who knows how it feels to lose both parents, and helped with the story.
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