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Chapter 3: RTDC conquers all!




I’M GOING TO BLOODY KILL YOU, REMUS J. LUPIN, DESTROYER OF MY EVERY DREAM AND HOPE AND WISH! I REPEAT, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew.

Glad to get that off my chest.

I wanted to pummel a pillow, but I couldn’t find one.

Damned pillows, can never show up when they’re needed.

So this’ll have to do.

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

Whew. Okay I feel loads better, now.

But, OH MY FREAKING GOD (haha, still not smited – smote? – by McGonagall!) you will never believe what happened, Diary!

Erm...I mean journal...

No, no, no...NOTEBOOK!

Yes, my manly man notebook!

Whoop!

Yeah...I’ll just stop now while I’m behind.

But, no! NO! I’ve just realized! AH, I’VE BEEN A TERRIBLE FATHER! I mean, owner...

I just realized...

YOU HAVE NO NAME! I need to name you! Yes, I will name you! I bet you feel all lonesome and not important without a name, now don’t you? Ah, I’m such a terrible person! My notebook was sliding into a depression and possibly thinking of committing suicide and I didn’t even notice! I just kept WRITING MY NOT-VERY-IMPORTANT THOUGHTS ALL OVER IT! Oh, I should never be allowed to be a father! I’d be such a terrible one! I must weep hystericallly over my poor notebook’s terribly mangled body! Oh, oh, oh....

.....

And the moment of silence is over.

So.....


What was I doing again? Before I got all distracted, that is?

Oh, yes, that’s right – picking a name for you!

Thank you so much for reminding me, journal!

If you don’t mind, I’ll finish mourning over you later.

Any objections?

.....

Good to know.

You know, originally I was just kidding when I asked Remus to book you a room at St. Mungo’s, but maybe you really need one...No, no, stop laughing! I’m genuinely concerned for your well-being! I mean, you’re talking to this...this...this thing as if it could actually talk back to you!

It’s not a thing, Sirius, nor is it even an it! I’m deeply offended that you’d even say that!

*dramatically holds hand to brow*

This notebook, my manly man notebook, is a he and his name is Harry.

And who knows, maybe he can talk back to me. Maybe he’s shy, and just hasn’t warmed up to me yet!

Harry? Where the bloody hell did you get that from? I mean, come on, you could’ve picked a better name, mate. Any other name! And, I’m telling you buddy, that thing ain’t talkin’ back to ya.

He’s not a thing, Padfoot! Look, you’re hurting his feelings!

It’s okay, Diary...I mean manly man notebook....I mean Harry...it’s okay....

And Harry’s a really nice name. I’ve always liked it.

I’m really, quite genuinely starting to worry about you mate...

Fine! Leave then, with all your caring-ness! See if I care! You were interrupting a very important, angry tangent I was going on about anyway, you great stupid prat!

.....

Sirius?

.....

Old buddy?

Oh.

I wasn’t expecting him to really leave.

.....

Oh well, moving on!

As I was telling you earlier...

I AM GOING TO MURDER THAT BLOODY TOO-SMART-FOR-HIS-OWN-GOOD, NOT-ARROGANT-ENOUGH-TO-BE-A-PROPER-MARAUDER WEREWOLF, Remus J. “Perfect” Lupin, and ex-second best friend of James Potter.

Yes, that’s right, you read me correctly! Ex-second best friend! And d’you wanna know why? D’you bloody wanna know why I’m going to murder that smart-ass? Huh? Huh??? HUH?????

WELL, I’LL TELL YOU WHY!!!!!

*dramatic drum roll*

LILY KISSED HIM! ON THE BLOODY LIPS!!!!!

I’M FALLING APART, I TELL YOU, FALLING APART!

Wow, d’you know what I’ve decided. It’s an awfully good think that McGonagall isn’t God, ‘cause I’m sure cursing up a storm. So damn much, in fact, I’m sure that I would definitely be smited – smote? – by now.

And that would not be good.

Not good at all.

But, I mean, seriously (no pun intended!)...

LILY KISSED MY EX-SECOND BEST FRIEND ON THE LIPS! URGH!!!! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE SUCH A TERRIBLE FATE?!? My plan was going just fine (great actually), and I could swear Lily was warming up to me the teensiest bit, then REMUS HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT ALL, THE BLOODY GIT!

He told me that my plan wasn’t working, no-ho, it wasn’t working (even though I cross my heart and hope to die that it was, and Sirius agrees)! Then d’you know what he told me? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE TOLD ME?!?!?!

He said that instead of following my stupid (it wasn’t stupid, it was BRILLIANT!) two-step, idiotic, dense list, all I had to do to get Lily to like me was be nice and sincere with her and that she’d cave in. I told him not to be such a sissy, that all girls liked manly men. He argued for the longest time (I swear, he just wouldn’t shut up!) that I was wrong.

SO DO YOU KNOW WHAT ME AND MY BIG MOUTH JUST HAD TO SAY????

I said, “Prove it.”

And do you know what he said in return?

Huh?

Huh???

HUH?????

He said, “Fine.”

ARGH!!!! OF ALL THE THINGS TO SAY! The overeager, bloody git!

Then guess what the prat did for the next few days! Just take a wild guess!

HE WAS NICE TO HER!!!

URGH! I mean, how sneaky can one get? How utterly despicable, how low can one sink?

I mean of all the things he could’ve done, he just had to go and BE NICE TO HER!

*mutters incomprehensibly*

The git.

I mean, come on, he knows he’s always right! He must’ve know that Lily would give into his charm! And he knows that I’m way to stubborn to admit that he’s always right, and that Lily would of course give in to his charm!

SO WHY DIDN’T HE TRY TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO MY BLOODY STUBBORN HEAD?!?!?!

Why, oh why, oh why?

Well, guess what, I’ll tell you why!

Yep, because I, Prongsie, of all people KNOW WHY!

It’s because....because...HE WANTS LILY ALL TO HIMSELF, the...the...the complete and utter PRICK!

Oh, and if you haven’t noticed, I’ve dropped SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE by now, as it’s bloody long and just took wayyyy too much time to write down every other line....’cause well, I mention SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE a lot...I mean Lily....er...I mention Lily a lot.

But, back to the main point of this ANGRY PASSAGE FULL OF ANGRY CAPITOL LETTERS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS TO THE EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT REMUS IS A BLOODY GIT WHO WANTS LILY ALL TO HIS BLOODY SELF, THAT SELFISH, GREEDY....PERSON!!!!

I promise you, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

I’m serious.

*hurt face*

No, I am! But, anyways, don’t you think it’s a bit harsh to be so angry at Moony, mate? After all, he did push Lily away and tell her, despite her crying which broke his heart, that he thought of her as a sister, not a girlfriend-type. So you can’t really...


*GASPS and begins to pound Padfoot with the random pillow that decided to show up, once again, when it wasn’t really needed*

WHATTTTT!!!!! Now Remus has betrayed my trust forevermore AND has broken dear Lily’s heart? I won’t speak to him for LONGER than I live!

I give up.

Fine then! Just leave! Again!

.....

Sirius?

.....

Old pal?

Oh, wow. Wasn’t expecting him to really leave.

Yet again.

.....

I actually feel quite lonely.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches...

*sighs*

Are those even the right words?

*****


You know, I’ve been thinking...

Oh, no.

I thought you went away!!!

.....

Okay, fine then! Leave like that!

.....

Git.

Back to what I was originally saying.

I’ve been thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am most definitely not going to talk to Moony ever again.

.....

Nope.

.....

You can’t make me!

.....

Although he IS pretty smart. I bet he could help me get SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE back! (It’s back to SBIHYS....well you get the point. I got bored of plain old Lily.)

.....

No, James, no! You are never to speak to Remus EVER AGAIN!

But I really want Lily to liiiiiiikkkkkkeeeee meeeeeeeee!!!!!

Stop whining, James, and solve your problem by your own bloody self!

But Reeeeeeemus is smaaaaaaaarrrrtttt....and I bet he’d heeeeeeeellllpppp meeeeeee.....

SHUT UP!

*pouts*

.....

HEY! I’ve got it!

What?

Lily likes Remus, right?

Right....

And why does she like Remus?

Erm....

BECAUSE HE’S REMUS!!!!

Okay, I think I’ve missed the point.

Well, I don’t want to talk to Remus, do I?

Noooooo.....

But I want to be like him so Lily’ll like me, right?

Yes.....

So all I have to do is act EXACTLY like Remus, and she’ll like me too!

Yippee!

Oh James, you’re a genious!

Oh, stop sucking up to me, you stupid alter ego! No more chocolate for you!

*pouts*



A/N: The end bit is James talking to himself. RTDC means Remus the Dream Crusher, that's it. I know a bunch of you were confused about that. I'm quite depressed as of the moment, so a kind review or two would be nice =D lol. I will try to update asap, but I must wait for inspiration to hit me. Any ideas about where to head with the next chapter? What should James do to act like Remus, and how should it be constructed? I have writer's block, so ideas are welcome! Thanks! (The more ideas you give me, the sooner the next chapter will be up!) Ciao!

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