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Chapter Two – CUTE! HUGE!




Hospital Wing Injury Record
13th February, 1974


Student: Potter, James
Injury: Broken nose
Cause: Was hit with a copy of ‘Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms’

Student: Evans, Lily
Injury: Strained bicep
Cause: Threw heavy object (suspected to be a copy of ‘Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms’)

Student: Black, Sirius
Injury: No visible signs of injury but complains of a busted gut
Cause: Laughter




“You said cute!”

“I did not, I said huge!”

“You were going to say cute!”

“I was not, I only coughed!”

“You said cute!”

“I said huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“How long has this been going on?” asked a weary and resigned Remus.

“Dunno,” replied Tia – also known as Hestia Jones – Lily’s best friend. “I lost count fifty zillion yells ago.”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Huge!”

“Huge!”

“Cute!”

“Ha!” declared a triumphant James Potter, pointing at Lily. “See, you even admitted it!”

“I DID NOT!!!” screamed the irate redhead. “YOU JUST PLAYED A STUPID MIND GAME ON ME, I SAID YOUR BUTT WAS HUGE!!!!”

“YOU DID NOT!!! YOU SAID IT WAS CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIVES AND STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER EVERY FREAKING MINUTE OF THE DAY????”

Both Lily and James were dumbstruck. Calm, cool, collected Remus never lost his temper. They were both shocked into silence.

“Thank you,” said Remus sarcastically.

“What were they even arguing about anyway?” asked Tia, taking in the blissful silence.

A disgruntled Sirius who did not find the situation as amusing after four – or five, he had lost count – hours of yelling, said, “I dunno, I got lost three hours ago.”

“Wait a second, Evans,” said James, feeling confused. “What were we arguing about?”

Lily, whose memory was not affected at all by the hours of yelling, said promptly to the others, “We were arguing about James’ butt and how I said it was cu- I mean, huge! Yeah, huge. Not cute. Not cute at all, whatsoever.” She was babbling by the end of her speech.

“Aha!” James was jumping up and down on one of the chairs in the common room. “I knew it! You do think my butt is cute!! The first time might have been a genuine mistake, but the second time was intended!!”

Lily rolled her eyes, despite feeling a growing panic. Why had she made the same slip of the tongue twice? She didn’t fancy Potter or anything…did she? No, she decided firmly, she could never fancy Potter; he was too arrogant and thought far too much of his gorgeous body and adorably messy hair and-

She had to stop thinking like this! Slip of the tongue, she reminded herself, it was only a slip of the tongue. Now go ahead and tell him so!

Feeling slightly more confident, Lily said patiently with the air of explaining that one plus one equals two to an overemotional toddler, “It was a slip of the tongue, Potter. My head thought one thing and my mouth said another. It’s quite common.”

For a moment, James seemed foxed, but then he said, “Slips of the tongue say what your subconscious is really thinking, Evans. So in this case, you subconsciously are completely and totally in love with me and think my butt is cute!”

Lily rolled her eyes and made a scathing comment. James fired another one back and soon-

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“CUTE!!!”

“HUGE!!!”

“Five Galleons on them killing each other in a week,” said Sirius gloomily.

“I’ll bet on that,” said Tia, watching them yelling back and forth.

“IT IS CUTE, EVANS, END OF STORY!!!”

“NO, IT’S NOT; YOUR FANGIRLS MAY THINK SO, BUT TAKE IT FROM AN HONEST OPINION, YOUR BUTT IS HUGE, POTTER!!!”

“Make it ten Galleons on a day, Tia,” Sirius said, amending the bet.

Tia nodded, her eyes moving back and forth from Lily to James as if she were watching a tennis rally.

“SILENCIO!!” Lily screamed, finally losing her patience.

The silencing charm acted immediately, and James mouthed the word ‘cute’ soundlessly.

When he realized nobody could hear him, he touched his butt and mouthed something along the lines of: ‘it so is cute, Evans, and you know it’.

Lily got an evil grin on her face and decided to have some fun with James’ predicament.

“Oh, what’s that, Potter? Yes, I know your butt is huge!”

Sirius and Tia roared with laughter and even Remus’ mouth was twitching dangerously.

James’ ears blazed and he held his butt and mouthed furiously, ‘I said it was cute, Evans!!’

“Whatever, Potter. You can feel yourself up all you want, but I’m gonna go to bed.”

And with that, Lily walked up the staircase to the girls’ dorms, the appreciative whoops and cheers from Sirius and Tia still ringing in her ears.

-----

A disgruntled James Potter whacked Sirius across the head.

“What?” asked the traitorous dog in question. When James mouthed something and mimed pointing a wand to his throat, Sirius finally understood and took off the Silencing Charm.

“Why the hell were you laughing at me, Padfoot?” asked James crossly. “You sided with Evans! The Enemy, remember?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and said, “She got you good, Prongs. Besides, it was funny, you gotta admit that.”

James grunted and shrugged.

-----
Dobby: Well… what can I say?
Winky: Except… CUTE!
Dobby: HUGE!
Winky: CUTE!
Dobby: HUGE!

-----

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