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A/N: Hey there! Well, I've decided to continue and have finally updated! Hope that you enjoy the chapter! If you leave me a review stating that you hate the story because it's random and stupid and pointless, I'll just laugh at you. Hard. Because that's the point. But, alas, I do hope that you leave me a review anyways...it would be lovely...




Chapter 2: AHHHHHH!!!! McGonagall is God!




It’s still silent. I really feel like hitting my head against the wall.

Except it’s pitch-black. And I can’t seem to find the wall.

And Padfoot rolled over in his bloody sleep and is now lying on top of me.

I can’t feel my legs. I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!

OH, NO! What if they’re gone?!? What if they fell off in the middle of the night, and I am now losing blood and slowly but surely dying?!? And it’s all Padfoot’s fault! I can’t even feel the pain because he’s cutting off my circulation!

Stupid Padfoot *hits repeatedly with a pillow*

Hey, where’d I get a pillow?

*shrugs*

Eh, who cares...

*Hits Padfoot with the pillow some more*

Hm, he won’t wake up. He’s bloody stubborn, Padfoot is.

.....

Still bored.

.....

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul...

.....

Still no luck. Padfoot’s deathly afraid of that song; I think his mom used to sing it to him when he was a baby or something. And well, you know his mom...

Wait, no you don’t, you’re just a stupid journal!

But whatever.

Urgh, it didn’t work. Still no luck. I think I’m going to faint from blood loss.

...with a corncob pipe and a button nose and...and...

OH NO! I can’t remember the words! And I know that song backwards and forwards normally! AHHHHHH, I think I’m going CRAZY! I must be dying! I must be! HELP ME!!! HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!

*hits Padfoot even harder with the random pillow*

STUPID PILLOW! What’s the point of showing up if you can’t even help me?

Wait, he groaned! HE GROANED! There is again some hope in this world! He’s getting up!

.....

Urgh, false alarm. He was just rolling over.
.....

I REMEMBER! YAY, I’M NOT DYING!

And two eyes made out of coal! Thumpety, thump, thump, thumpety, thump, thump, LOOK AT FROSTY GO!

Erm...right...yeah...sorry. Got a little too excited there.

Hm, I still can’t feel my legs...

Uh-oh. You know what I just thought of? What if I’m already dead? OH NO! I’LL NEVER SEE DEAR LILYKINS AGAIN!!!

*weeps uncontrollably*

AHHHHHHH NO, HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEE!!!!! I see the light; no, that is not a good sign! Please, God, forgive me, I meant not the horrible things I did! Snivellous deserved not what we put him through! Forgive me, oh dear Father...

*blinks heavily*

Blimey, God, you look an awful lot like McGonagall.

Oh no, he’s looking at me! The powerful, almighty God is LOOKING RIGHT AT ME! And he’s wearing a stern look just like McGonagall’s!

That is just too creepy.

He’s opening his mouth! Oh, sweet Jesus (Oh no! God, I swear I didn’t mean to use your dear son’s name in vain, I promise!). Damn you, self, damn you! Oh no, now I’m cussing! I’m doomed! The all-powerful, almighty God is going to smite me!

I’M DOOOOOOMED!

*closes eyes tightly in apprehension*

Erm, nothing’s happening.

*opens eyes tentatively*

“Mr. Potter, I say, what are you doing here?”

God has spoken. That’s funny, God even sounds like McGonagall!

This is getting wayyyyy too creepy for me, here.

Oh no, he’s pursing his lips JUST LIKE MCGONAGALL! AHHHHH, there’s two of them! One was bad enough!!!! I’m dead!

Wait, no, I’m already dead!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

NOW GOD JUST READJUSTED HIS WITCH’S HAT JUST LIKE MCGONAGALL DOES!!!!

And, BLOODY HELL, I do believe that he IS MCGONAGALL!

McGonagall is God! Oh no, dear me, I’m doomed to hell forevermore!

My dear Minnie...I mean, er, McGonagall...I mean, um, God? Please forgive this humble servant...

Wait, why is he...I mean she (wow, God’s a woman, who would’ve thunk?) just standing overhead, looking at me with a strange expression on his/her (maybe, being God, McGonagall is really a man, and has been hiding it all these years...Urgh, I just got the most horrid picture in my head. Ew, God, ew...really must try to shove that grotesque – woohoo for my vocabulary! Boo yah Moony, this boy can be taught! – image out of my head. It was, to say the least, quite disturbing. Minnie as a man? *shudders at the mere thought*) face, as if I’m going slightly mental.

I GOT IT! I know why God/McGonagall is staring at me with an odd expression on his/her face! It’s ‘cause I’m lying here on the ground with Sirius’ limp form squashing me, bleeding to death, writing in this bloody journal (which ironically doesn’t even belong to me) and not speaking a damn word as I attempt to grovel at his/her feet.

I bet I must look pretty funny right now, actually.

*giggles*

Wait, did I write giggles? Ewwww, I do not giggle! Girls giggle!

Excuse me, let me fix that...

*manly laugh*

There we go! Fixed!

Alright then. Excuse me for a moment while I go grovel at God’s/McGonagall’s feet for forgiveness.

Be right back.

*****


Well. I’m back.

And apparently I’M NOT DEAD! I WASN’T EVEN BLEEDING! WHY THE BLOODY HELL DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU ACCURSED STUPID JOURNAL!!!!!????

*starts to slam said journal against the wall*

Argh! Remus just came over and stayed my violent hand. Bloody peacemaker!

*glares*

He then asked what I thought I was doing. I told him that I was slamming you against the wall. He asked why. I told him that you backstabbed me and betrayed my trust by not telling me that I was alive, not dead. I mean, duh, that is about the worst betrayal and cruelty possible!

But of course, being wayyyyy too logical to understand my rantings once again, Remus just kinda stared at me as if I was crazy.

I’M NOT CRAZY!!!!!

Wait...am I?

Oh, no, what if Moony’s right? What if I am CRAZY? What am I ever going to do.

Oops. Moony’s staring at me like he thinks I’m even crazier than before. I should probably shut up now before he sends me to St. Mungo’s Mental Ward...

Sirius is now giving me, yet again, his got-to-keep-your-image-up talk, as if I haven’t memorized the thing yet.

*shakes head*

Poor, innocent man, actually thinks I’m listening.

Hm, he said that being known as that crazy-gent-who-talks-to-his-own-books-as-if-expecting-a-reply is not a good thing.

Good to know.

Ewwww. Padfoot just said I’m popular only because I’m the second-best looking guy in the whole school. Now he’s looking at me with a funny look in his eyes.

Maybe I should leave now.

HEYYYYYY SECOND BEST???? I am most definitely better looking than you, Padfoot!

Are not.

Am too.

Not.

Too.

Not.

*sigh*

This looks vaguely familiar. I’m really going to leave now...I mean it!

.....

Dammit! Remus Sirius, AND Peter ALL followed me to my bed!!! ARGH! THEY WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE! It’s like I’m a bloody magnet or something! MERLIN!

HA! And you will notice that I can cuss all I want because not only am I not dead or bleeding to death, McGonagall is NOT GOD!

Yippee!

And, if you must know (to cease your sick, twisted little mind), neither is she a man.

I know, thank God, huh.

Whom she is not.

So anyways, GUESS WHAT?!?!?!

I’M NOT DAMNED TO HELL ANYMORE! I HAVE A CHANCE AT SALVATION! Not that I’ll take it, of course, but hey, I have a chance! Thank the Lord!

Okay, I’m so over that. Now on to more important issues: for one (as it is the most important issue of ALL TIME), how to make the one and only, strikingly-beautiful, I-hate-you-so-much-you-make-me-gag, I’m-so-much-better-than-your-arrogant-self-Potter-thus-I-can-throw-you-in-any-closet-I-want-and-you-can’t-do-a-thing-about-it-because-I-am-so-much-smarter-than-you-and-unlike-you-I-am-Head-Girl-and-have-powers-greater-than-your-most-terrible-imaginings-Lily-Evans like me.

Wow.

That’s a mouthful.

I think I’ll shorten it.

Thus, my goal is to make SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE like me.

Wow, that’s still long.

But, hm, I guess it’ll have to do, huh?

I mean, it’s definitely easier to write than Lily or Evans or, heaven forbid, Lily Evans.

Duh.

Prongs, I think you’ve finally lost it, mate. Moony, line up a room at St. Mungo’s for lil ol’ Prongsie here; I think he’s finally going LOONY!

I swear! Padfoot with NEVER LEARN PRIVACY!

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

*sniffs in a very stuck-up, I’m-way-better-than-you type of manner*

Okay, now, James, all you have to do is repeat that to yourself one hundred times and maybe you’ll actually believe it.

Okay, here goes:

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

But, for once, I will disregard his rude, immature comments because I am above him and have finally matured beyond my years and have better things to do than torture him at this present time.

Okay, mate. You can stop now. I think you’ve made your point. Plus, if you don’t believe yourself yet, I think there’s no hope for you.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

You are calm, Prongs. You are the epitome of calm.

I am calm.

But remind me to kill him later.

*snorts*

Yeah, right...


Or perhaps right now would be a good time.

*glares the famous Potter evil glare*

....

Alas, again my evil glares go to no effect.

*sighs dramatically*

But anyways, back to the current task: how to make SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE like me.

Please excuse me for a moment while I go confer with Brainy; Arrogant, Privacy-Invading Prat of a Best Mate; and Mr. Boring (aka Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail; aka Remus, Sirius, and Peter; aka Lupin, Black, and Pettigrew; aka...well...erm...I think you get the point)

*****


AHA! I’m back once again!

Did you miss me!

Of course you did!

Well, Padfoot and I have come up with a plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-win-me- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE’s-heart-once-and-for-all!

I thought you said you’d already captured her heart, mate, and that she was just in denial.

Erm...right. A plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-help- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE-stop-being-in-denial-and-confess-her-love-for-me-once-and-for-all, then!

Riiiiiiiiiiight....

*glares*

.....

I don’t know why I even try anymore.

But, anyways...back to the plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-help- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE-stop-being-in-denial-and-confess-her-love-for-me-once-and-for-all, then!

Here’s the plan:

1) Make SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE stop hating me.

2) Make HER (sorry, but I’m totally tired of writing SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE all the time...URGH, I JUST WROTE IT AGAIN!!! I hate my life...) fall in love with me.

Don’t you see?

It’s ingenious! It’s fantastical! It’s foolproof! It’s so simple and easy it’s frightening! It makes me laugh like a maniac!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh-oh. Remus is shaking his head sadly at Sirius’ and my frolicking happy selves.

Mood spoiler.

Party pooper.

*sticks out tongue*

Oh, wait I’m mature now...I forgot.

*turns back on the way-too-smart-for-his-own-good, not-arrogant-enough-to-be-a-proper-marauder werewolf*

HA! TAKE THAT, MOONY!

URGH! I just snuck around for a tiny (I repeat, TINY) peek, and guess what!?! GUESS WHAT?!?! The way-too-smart-for-his-own-good, not-arrogant-enough-to-be-a-proper-marauder werewolf is still sitting there, shaking his damned head at me! Whoa-ho! He doesn’t think that the plan-which-is-so-ingenious-I-can’t-believe-that-it-hasn’t-been-thunk-of-before-and-is-going-to-most-definitely-help- SBIHYSMYMMGISMBTYASPTICTYIACIWAYCDATAIBIASMSTYAUYIAHGAIHPGTYMTILE-stop-being-in-denial-and-confess-her-love-for-me-once-and-for-all, then is good enough to work, does he?

Huh?

Huh???

HUH?????

Hey, it’s my plan too! Don’t you dare take all the credit!

*makes sad puppy eyes*


Haha, puppy eyes...he’s a dog...animagus...I’m so funny!

.....

Okay, maybe not.

I’ll just shut up now.

But before I do that, you know what I’ll do? Huh? Huh??? HUH?????

I’ll show you, Remus-the-dream-crusher! I’ll show you! When Lily’s hanging off my every world and head-over-heels in love with me, I’ll just laugh in your astonished, hurt little face....you....you....!!!!! RTDC!




A/N: So....how was it? This is still my first humour fic, you must remember, so I'd still love any feedback you can offer me. Have I totally lost my gift of hilarity? Has it grown funnier? How can I improve? I'd love to know, so please review!

Also, just to let you know, I can't promise how often I'll be able to update this story because I'm really busy and I have several other stories I'm currently already writing. Plus, I just write for this whenever I feel crazy and am full of inspiration (aka insanity). But my updates will probably come on an average of once a month. I'm sorry; I wish I could update more often, but that'll just have to do. Just warning you all ahead of time so that you don't give up on my story anytime! Ciao for now!

Also, I do hope that none of you are offended by my references to God, whether you believe in Him or not. It was just for hilarity's sake.

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