A humorous (and slightly pointless) Lily and James story
Hello, my name is James Potter.
Damn it, I thought that perhaps this was one of those journals that wrote back to you.
Hm, I’ve always wanted one of those. But I guess that this journal is not one of them.
God, that sucks.
It really does.
Hm, maybe I could cast a spell on this so that it could write back to me.
But then everyone would probably say that I was having full conversations with myself.
That might not go over too well with the whole got-to-keep-your-image-up talk Padfoot gave me the other day.
Stupid Padfoot, thinks he knows everything.
That’s ‘cause I do.
Get out of here Padfoot, this is my journal-that-doesn’t-talk-back!
Hello, my name is James Potter and I am a stupid git who...
THAT WAS NOT ME! NO PRIVACY! I’m serious...
No you’re not! I AM!
Shut up, Padfoot. That joke is as old as the underwear you’re...
HEY! I take offense to that!
Well, I take offense to you writing in my journal!
It’s not your journal!
Well, then who’s is it?
Exactly, you don’t know!
Admit it, you don’t know!
Ah, this is classic! Sirius Black doesn’t...
Alright, alright, I don’t know, damn it! But I do know that it is not yours, and you are invading the privacy of some poor unsuspecting innocent...
Aw, shut up, Padfoot. Since when do you care about others’ privacy.
Exactly. Besides, ever heard of finders keepers?
Well, whatever. But that still does not explain why you’re writing bloody nonsense in it.
I AM NOT...!!!
Hm, interesting. It seems that this closet has a rather low roof. Prongs just tried to stand up, and hit his head, and is now sprawled out across my legs.
Damn, he’s heavy.
I wonder where I am. I was just exploring a new secret passageway when, thump, I started falling through the darkness toward my impending doom...
Impending...hm, good word.
I feel smart.
That scares me.
Okay, let’s start over.
I fell down.
There we go, very Sirius.
Well, anyway, yeah I landed here on top of James.
You know, he squeals like a girl if you hit him in the right place.
Where did he get this stupid journal anyway? And why was he alone in this dark closet?
Wait, what if he was in here with a girl...and she’s still in here, hiding in the depths of the closet.
I think I hear something.
False alarm, it’s just a rat. Hm, I wonder if it’s Peter...
Hello, are you Peter?
He didn’t answer me. Maybe ‘cause I’m writing to myself in this stupid journal instead of speaking out loud.
Wow, I am such a loser.
Well, would you look at that. Padfoot’s waking up.
Uh-oh, he does not look happy. He’s got that all-too-familiar I’m-going-to-kill-you-because-my-head-feels-like-it’s-about-to-burst-in-two even- though-my-pain-is-entirely-my-fault look on his face.
I’d better run.
Wait, uh-oh. I’m stuck in a closet.
This is not good.
Hey, gerroff me, ouch...can’t breathe!
Oh. My. God. Padfoot does not know the meaning of privacy. He just wasted a precious page of my journal! A WHOLE PAGE OF MY JOURNAL! TALKING ABOUT RATS AND ME SQUEAKING! I DO NOT SQUEAK! MICE SQUEAK! GIRLS SQUEAK! BUT I DO NOT SQUEAK!
Just wanted to get that clear.
My head hurts right now. A lot.
I just spend the last ten seconds glaring at Padfoot.
Now he’s laughing at me.
There’s a spider crawling across my leg, which I can’t feel by the way because James is still laying on it and has this if-you-even-think-about-touching-me-I-might-have-to-cause-you-bodily-harm expression on his face which I find quite alarming.
It’s rather hairy.
The spider, that is, not James’ face.
Although you know he hasn’t shaved in a few days and he’s beginning to show some stubble. He looks quite good...
Whoa, Sirius! Bad boy! Now we can’t have you thinking that!
Wow, now you really are talking to yourself Padfoot. Whole conversations. I’m quite worried.
Ew, Padfoot just smashed the spider. The minute it conveniently climbed onto my leg, he struck. Now I’ve got spider guts all over my pant leg.
These are my favorite pair of pants too!
Padfoot is going to pay.
Oh, no! No, wait, no! Damn you, ye window through which cold air wafts! Hehe. I’ve always wanted to use that word.
Wait, is that last one a word?
Wait, why is there a window in a closet? I am in a closet, right? What if I’m not in a closet? Then where am I?
I’m so confused.
Urgh. Typical Hogwarts. Hoggy Woggy Hogwarts. Tee hee.
What the hell, James?!?! You’ve finally lost it; you’re off your rocker!
Rocker? Where? Ooh, d’you know what I need right now, mate?
One of those spinny chairs, so I could go round and round and round and round and round and round and round....
Sorry, had to steal the quill from James before he used up the whole journal filling it with a whole BUNCH OF NOTHING!!!
And “ye”! YE! Who says “ye”? Seriously.
And before you come up with some snappy comeback, Prongs, NO PUN INTENDED!
But, I mean, “ye”? You sound like Shakespeare!
Ummmmm, yeah. I dunno, some crazy old muggle gent Moony was going on about one day...
Saying that you sounded like him made me feel smart.
Do not kid yourself, Padfoot.
And as for Moony, I’ve learned to tune him out.
What a second, this is MY private journal! You’re not supposed to be reading this, much less WRITING in it! Begone with you!
You make me sound like a dog.
You are one.
Wow, kinda dug a hole for myself with that one.
That you did.
Hey I thought I told you to GO AWAY!
That you did.
HEY NOW YOU’RE MIMICKING ME! And you’re still HERE!
And exactly where am I supposed to go? WE’RE STUCK IN A CLOSET! A FREAKING, OVERLY CRAMPED, BLOODY TINY, PITCH-BLACK CLOSET!!!
Well then just shut up, I was about to tell the story of how I ended up in this god-forsaken place...
*dripping with sarcasm, which James conveniently ignores* Oh, pray, do tell, that sounds utterly fascinating.
Okay, then, as I was saying, I had been tracking Lily’s friends for an hour when I finally...
You know, that is very creepy stalker-ish. Really. An hour? Don’t you have anything…
Hey, it’s very rude to steal MY journal at all, much less steal it IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SENTENCE!
I will never get through to him.
Well, anyway, as I already stated, I was following…
YOU DID IT AGAIN!!!
STOLE MY JOURNAL IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SENTENCE!!!
You know, it’s really quite funny how you write down your angry statements, then yell them at me anyways.
I mean, come on, what’s the point.
Shouldn’t you just pick one or the…
Oh, shut up…
You know technically I’m not talking; I’m writing. I’m not crazy enough to write down my remark then say it as…
Anyways, as I have been trying to say for the past TEN MINUTES, Lily finally joined them, so I stepped out of the shadows and…
Wait, it’s midday, so this encounter happened in the morning. There are no shadows in the morning!
Oh my God, mate, it’s just for dramatic effect. You are so dense sometimes.
But that doesn’t make any sense.
Sure it does. Just, see, when God was deciding how much brains to give to you, he got distracted and forgot to give them to you in the…
Prongs, if your huge butt wasn’t pinning me to the floor I’d so pummel you right now.
Seriously, you are being a downright PRICK.
And don’t you dare MAKE THAT PUN AGAIN!
Hey, I wasn’t gonna. Well, anyway, BACK TO MY VERY IMPORTANT STORY!
*sighs* Why do my evil eyes have no effect?
That’s ‘cause I know you’d never hurt me my bestest buddy in the whole wide…
Okay, stop right there!
Too much mushy-ness.
So, anyways, Lily joined her friends…
FINALLY! You know it took you fifteen minutes to get to that conc…
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T STOP STEALING MY JOURNAL!!!
Tsk, tsk Prongs, you shouldn’t always try to lay the blame on someone else.
I give up.
Cool! Can I have the journal!
So, anyways, as Lily joined her friends, I stepped out from my corner-which-was-not-covered-by-shadows and got down on one knee (as any real gentleman should) and held out to her the most pure and beautiful red rose that there ever was or will ever be and said…
“I hope you find this humble gif worthy of your beauty, although it is only a rose, and therefore only half as precious and perfect as any Lily.”
Wow, that definitely sounded a lot better than it looks written down.
Just take my word for it, it sounded very clever at the time.
So, okay, don’t read it. Say it aloud in a low, sexy voice just like mine, and you…
Padfoot, stop laughing…
He’s rolling on the floor.
God, I need to find myself some new friends.
Have you read it aloud yet?
Now it totally works, right?
Of course it does.
Well, as I was saying, as I was so humbly disgracing my dignity by touching the knees of my newest trousers (which are now covered in spider guts, thanks to Padfoot’s newfound spider-squashing tendencies) to the Hogwarts floor (and we all know how clean it is), Lily did the strangest thing, the last thing I can tell you that I ever expected.
I, James Potter, made the one and only strikingly-beautiful, I-hate-you-so-much-Potter-you-make-me-gag Lily Evans faint.
And down she went, falling gracefully to the ground, here pale face still in awe of what had just happened.
I mean, I am that good.
Of course, she might have fainted because one of Peeves’ walking sticks hit her in the back of the head at the same moment.
But I prefer to believe the former.
HALLELUIAH! There is hope once more in this world!
SHE LOVES ME, I KNOW IT!
Of course, once I conjured up and poured a jug of water all over her face, she did start cursing at me and picked me up by the scruff of my neck and, despite my remarks that there was nothing wrong with fainting at my hotness, threw me into the nearest closet and locked me in.
Man, she must really love me to get that angry.
Now, that I think about it though, I should probably be very angry at Lily and her I’m-so-much-better-than-your-arrogant-self-Potter thus-I-can-throw-you-in-any-closet-I -want and-you-can’t-do-a-thing-about-it-because-I-am-so-much-smarter- than-you-and-unlike-you-I-am-Head-Girl and-have-powers-greater-than-your-most-terrible- imaginings attitude.
Damn it, I thought you’d fallen asleep or something.
Naw, I’ve just been very amused by watching you get your false hopes up.
THEY’RE NOT FALSE! SHE LOVES ME!!!!
If you say so.
I just love the confidence that my BEST FRIEND has in me.
As I already said, I need to find new friends.
Padfoot, you stink.
I mean, I know you haven’t washed your underwear since God-knows-when, but have you ever heard of deodorant?
I rest my case.
I’m going to die, and when Lily comes back to let me out and opens the closet door, all she’s going to find is a rotting corpse, my face stuck in a grievous expression.
Wow, my vocabulary is doing well today.
And then when Lily realizes that she really loves me she’ll cry over my body, distraught and depressed, and beg for my forgiveness, and from heaven I will watch all of this and forgive her like my moral self and…
Sorry to interrupt, but…
Thanks Padfoot. Thanks a lot.
God, I really hate awkward silences.
Hey. This is my first humor fic, also my first Lily/James fic, also my first MWPP era fic. If it isn't clear yet, this is my response to the "Out of your realm" challenge.
I don't read (or write) many MWPP fics, but this is just some random interpretation that popped into my head one day at three in the morning while at a school trip in Yosemite. Yeah.
Enjoy it if you will. If it sucks, let me know and I'll take it down and try to start a whole new Lily/James fic in a whole new light. Cuz I really want to write one, successfully...eventually that is. Yeah. Ciao!
Anyways, make sure to let me know if this is a keeper or if I should lock it at the bottom of my trunk and let it rot there...please REVIEW! Merci beaucoup!
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