A/N: I know this ship is utterly gross but I tried to make it funny so that it is somewhat more bearable. XD

This story was written in response to the Unexpected Pairings Challenge at TCC and I thought I would share it with everyone here at HPFF.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story, except its twisted plot. =D Privet Drive is not mine, the characters are not mine... the dirt they walk on isn’t even mine. =P Its all J.K Rowling’s. Wait, I think Rosie is mine... Yep, she’s mine =D

Alright, I’m stalling — On with the story!



True Love?
A Dudley/Hermione Story




It was a warm summer afternoon as I made my way to Number 4 Privet drive. There were a few kids running down the sidewalks trying to get to their destination as quickly as they could, to rid themselves of the summer heat.

Many people were in their homes as it was a hot day... but not everyone. I noticed a large shadow on the ground next to mine and heavy footsteps fall boisterously behind me. I quickly glanced over my shoulder to see who was following me so uncomfortably close. Through the glare of the sun, I saw none other than Dudley Dursley. I recognized him from the numerous times that Harry described him to me. His blonde hair was plastered on his round flabby head, his face red from exhaustion with beads of sweat slowly sliding down his face. He reminded me of a suckling pig that had been roasted slowly on a spit over a blazing fire.

“Who are you?” he asked, probably as nice as he could make it sound. He walked around me wheeling his bike with him so that he was now standing in front of me.

“Who are you to ask me that question?” I asked harshly, trying not to let him know that I know him.

“Because I live on this street and know for a fact that you don’t.”

“Is that so? Well I’m looking for Harry Potter,” I said trying to scare him, “and since you seem to know that I don’t live here—maybe you know everyone that lives on this street. So could you please point me in the direction of his house?”

All of the color drained out of Dudley’s face, he was so pale that he looked chilled on this hot summer day.

“If you don’t know him, he lives with his Aunt and Uncle. Their last name is Dorsal, Darsley, Dursel,” I listed slowly. “No that’s not it... Dursley, that’s their name!” I went through that painful process of acting stupid in order to make him think he was smarter then me.

“You must be one of them,” he said looking as if dung was held under his nose.

“What’s wrong with ‘being one of them’,” I snapped. “Your ignorance blinds you, Magic is a wonderful thing—“

“Turning people into Toads is a wonderful thing?!”

“You only do that to enemies—but you can heal broken bones in a heartbeat... taking the pain away is not a bad thing. Magic is wonderful.”

Dudley still looked skeptical, but how could one little speech from me throw away seven years of fear, hate and misunderstanding?

“Anyway, do you know where Harry is or not?”

He looked around trying to see if any one he knew was coming down the street, seeing no one within earshot he turned back to me. He did the most peculiar thing; he leaned on his bike, which strained under his massive weight, and looked me up and down! I felt naked under his stare; I had the urge to cover myself—

“Well you picked the wrong entrance of Privet Drive to come down, as you can see that house there...” he pointed off to the house directly beside me. It looked the same as every other house on this street. “...is Number 43... Harry lives at Number 4, all the way down at the other end.”

“Oh, no wonder I couldn’t find it!”

“I can show you where it is, if you want me to,” he said, hesitantly, with his voice taking on an odd pitch.

I looked over at him for a minute, trying to decide if I could stand his company for the walk to Harry’s house. He didn’t seem to be as bad as Harry let on, so far, anyway.

“I guess that will be all right,” I told him. He smiled at me, and he really looked kind of cute, in a cuddly teddy bear kind of way, even though his eyes kind of disappeared into his face when he smiled, and he was all sweaty. But then, who isn’t all sweaty in this weather? I thought, strangely. What’s wrong with me?

He started to push his bike, slowly down the street. He looked up to make sure that I was following him.

“Um...it’s kind of far. Would you like me to give you a ride on my bike? You can sit on the handlebars.”

“No... no; that’s quite all right. I’d rather walk,” I said, hastily, repulsed, but yet kind of charmed that he would offer.

“What’s your name?” he requested, shyly.

“Hermione; what’s yours?” I asked, even though I already knew.

“Dudley,” he replied and mumbled, “Harry’s my cousin.”

“I know. Harry’s told me about you; I recognized the name.”

“Oh,” he replied, dejectedly. “I can just imagine how awful he told you I was. He doesn’t like me very much.”

That’s an understatement! I thought, but I replied, “Really, he never mentioned that.”

“He—he didn’t?” Dudley said, incredulously.

“No, not at all,” I lied, trying not to anger him.

“You’re very pretty,” he said, cutting his eyes to look at me.

“Thank you,” I said, rather nervously. Oh, no. What’s he up to?

“You have nice eyes,” I told him, trying to think of something positive to say.

“I know. My mother tells me that all of the time,” he replied, looking smug.

“Does she?” I replied, looking at the ground as I walked. “Are we almost there?”

“Not hardly. We just now passed 39.”

“Oh. I thought we had traveled farther than that. Does that offer of a ride on your bike still stand,” I asked, wanting to hurry up and reach my destination.

“Sure, if you want to,” he replied eagerly.

“Well, we’ll get there faster, I guess—“

He threw his leg over his bike, and motioned for me to get onto the handlebars. I wasn’t very sure about this, but I thought that it would hurry things along. I got onto the handlebars, awkwardly, and we took off rather shakily toward the Dursley’s house. I thought that he was going to drop me, but then he started pedaling faster. He was breathing rather heavily, from the exertion, I hoped. I smelled the pungent odor of his sweat, but although it smelled heavily of garlic, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was kind of fun, riding on the bike. It was better than flying, anyway. At least I didn’t have as far to fall, if I slipped off.

“Are you having fun?” he asked me.

In reply, I threw up my hands, and yelled, “Whee!”

He started to laugh. It wasn’t that unpleasant of a sound. Maybe Harry wasn’t being fair to Dudley. He didn’t seem to be that bad.

“Your hair smells good,” he said, as I realized that it was whipping him in the face.

“Can you see okay?” I asked him, concerned that he would wreck us if he couldn’t see because of my hair.

“Yeah, I can see just fine,” he said, and started to giggle.

He started to slow down a bit, and I noticed the numbers on the houses were now at 12. “We’re almost there,” he said. “Maybe we should walk the rest of the way,” he panted.

Sensing that he was starting to get tired, I agreed. He stopped the bike, and I almost fell getting off. As I rubbed my backside, I looked at him and said, “I’m kind of glad we stopped. My butt was starting to grow numb!” Why did I just say that? I thought and I could feel my face turning red.

He just laughed and watched me rub my backside. I hastily dropped my hands, and started to walk. He pushed his bike along side of me. “My house is that one,” he pointed.

“Great,” I said. His house was the only one that didn’t have a car parked in the driveway.

“My parents went to buy some groceries. They will be gone forever. They buy a lot of food, when they go!”

“Is Harry inside?” I asked.

He went very rigid, when I spoke about Harry. He must really hate him! I thought.

“You don’t have to see him as soon as we get there, do you? He’ll come down later, he always does. I thought that we could sit and talk some more, first. Besides, Mum doesn’t allow girls upstairs, and that’s where Harry is. He won’t come down until supper, and he gets angry if I bother him.”

“Even if he has a visitor?” I asked.

“He never has visitors, at least, nice ones, like you,” he said bashfully. “Everyone else that comes to visit him, are very rude to my parents and me! They seem to enjoy torturing me! Once, I was given a pig’s tail, and another time, my tongue grew so long that it almost hit the floor!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not going to do anything like that to you!” I told him, reassuringly. I remember when Harry told me about Hagrid giving Dudley a tail and about Fred and George’s candy that Dudley ate. I felt a little sorry for him.

“I guess that we could sit and talk for a bit,” I told him, gently. He seemed so happy to have someone to talk to, that I couldn’t say no.

He leaned his bike carefully up against the house and opened the door for me. We went into the entrance hall. He showed me into the living room and told me to have a seat.

“Would you like something to drink,” he asked. “We have some lemonade,” he added.

“That would be great,” I replied.

He went into the kitchen, while I looked around at the living room. I saw the small door under the stairs where Harry had stayed for so long. It was really very small. I don’t know how Harry stood it for as long as he did.

When Dudley returned to the living room, he looked as if he had washed his face and combed his hair. He didn’t seem so sweaty or smelly, anymore. He had a tray with two glasses of lemonade. He set it down carefully onto the coffee table, and offered me a glass. I took it and took a small sip. It was very cool and refreshing after the heat of the afternoon. He took the other glass and sat down beside me on the sofa. He started gulping his lemonade, then, as if he remembered that I was there, he started to drink more slowly.

“Why did you come to see Harry?” he asked curiously. “He’s getting ready to move, and you’ve never come to visit him before.”

“I’m here to help him move. Ron, our other friend, is going to meet us, after we’ve finished. He couldn’t come right now. We are going to help Harry get settled in.”

“Well, my parents certainly are happy that he’s finally leaving,” he told me.

“Why do you and your parents dislike Harry so much?” I asked, curious.

“He’s strange, just like my mum said his parents were. Strange things seemed to happen whenever he was around. Then of course, we found out about the whole ‘wizard’ thing. I guess that explained a lot.”

“Do you think that I’m strange, too?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Of course not. You don’t seem a bit weird,” he told me. “I really like you!”

I just looked down at my feet, not knowing how to respond.

He scooted closer to me on the sofa. I sat there, not knowing what to do. Should I move? Or should I stay right here?

He suddenly raised his arms above his head, and yawned, then casually put his right arm on the sofa behind me. Oh, no. That was not a subtle move at all. I thought, giggling.

“What’s so funny,” he asked.

“You’re so obvious,” I giggled again.

“What?”

“That’s the oldest trick in the book. Pretending to yawn, so you could put your arm around a girl!”

His face turned red. “Do you want me to move it?”

“No, its okay,” I said. What?

He scooted even closer, and let his arm slip from the sofa, to my shoulders. To my surprise, it seemed to fit nicely, and it wasn’t really repulsive, as I had thought it would be. What?

I leaned back onto his arm, and started to relax. He pulled me closer to his body. I was glad that he wasn’t so sweaty anymore.

“This is kind of nice, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Yes, it is,” I replied, surprised.

He leaned over and clumsily kissed the side of my mouth, catching me off guard. Not really knowing what I was doing, I turned my face toward him and closed my eyes. He leaned in and kissed me on the mouth.

His kisses were wet and slobbery, but for some reason, I enjoyed them. I put my arms around his neck as he pulled me closer. The kisses became harder, and wetter.

“What the hell is going on?” I heard Harry yell as he came down the stairs. Dudley jumped guiltily, but I didn’t let go of him. I turned and looked at Harry.

“I thought I heard you down here, Hermione. What on earth are you doing with Dudley?” he said, his eyes flashing, angrily.

“Don’t be mad Harry, but I love him, and I want to marry him!” I cried. Ewww! Ewww! Ewww!

“Oh, we’ll be related! I want to plan the wedding!” Harry cried, cheerfully, clapping his hands.

What?! Has everyone gone bonkers, including me?!

Dudley grabbed me and pulled me up from the sofa. He threw his arms around me and bent me over backwards and started planting slobbery kisses on my neck and face. “Oh, darling! I’m so happy!” he cried.

“Me too!” I smiled happily. Ewww!

He kept kissing me... my face was quite wet by now. Harry was standing there with a silly grin on his face, clapping his hands. I felt myself slip from Dudley’s embrace—



All of a sudden, I jerked, to catch myself from falling, and my hand smacked my bed. I opened my eyes to pink wallpaper. I’m in my room... how did I get here? I could still feel Dudley’s wet kisses. I turned my head toward him, and stared into the big brown eyes of my family’s Bassett hound, Rosie. She was sitting beside me on my pillows, licking me in the face. Oh, thank goodness, it was only a dream!



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A/N: Not what you expected, huh? =D I hoped you liked it. As always, please review!

xx Sara

Oh and if you were wondering, everything in italics was what the ‘real’ Hermione was thinking, not the ‘dream’ Hermione ;)

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