Lust. Pure, undeniable lust. That’s what it started out as. Gazing at her from a distance, watching her closely, keeping every feeling a secret. It evolved into so much more.
I loved her. Loved her more than I thought capable. She was the only woman who seemed to control me indirectly. She was a challenge. She was a gift. Her love was warm and her heart was beautiful. I’d never been offered such compassion, such heart, such kindness.
It started long before she became interested in him. Sometimes, I wonder why she even got involved with him. Yet, after looking back on it, I now know. He was comfort. He was stability. I was reckless and unreliable. He was constant. She knew he would take care of her, whilst the possibility of me settling down was unlikely.
Lily Evans was the only woman in my life that mattered. I was insanely infatuated with her. No, I never loved her like he did. He was head over heels, madly in love with her. He was willing to walk to the ends of the Earth for her, die for her even. I was a coward.
I betrayed my best friend. I was in love with his wife. I was in love with her from the first moment I saw her. It was impossible not to be. If you ask any given bloke from our year, they’ll say the same thing. She was the untouchable. She was unforgivable. She was everyone’s secret longing.
When she started going out with James, I knew trouble was in store. Whenever they’d talk quietly in corners, I’d always see her confused eyes steal glances at me to see if I was capable of maintaining my calm. And I was. I knew there was more of a future for them. Lily and James. He had waited so long for her, waited so many years. He had fought for her nobly. He had reformed for her. I was unwilling. Yet, she never seemed to mind. I was always in the back of her mind, her secret indulgence.
Red hair and green eyes. A wicked combination, to say the least. I loved her soft, sensual whispers before she fell asleep. I loved her delicate fingers as they traced around my palm gently. I loved the way her hair fell into her eyes as she walked. I loved nearly every aspect of her. I loved how stubborn she became and how persistent she was. She was angry and sad, emotional in every perfect way. I loved her shy smirk, as unintentional as it was. I loved her sad, small tears when she grew disgruntled and guilty. I loved everything, the good and the bad.
Every night I would lie awake wondering if what I was doing was ethical. I knew it wasn’t. Yet, he never did discover. Moony knew. Moony always knew. He was the most perceptive of us all. He never reprimanded me, never scolded me, never even mentioned it. What he did was worst. He’d peek his eyes open as I snuck out every night, his disappointed gaze following me as I left. Even he was in love with her, but he was the moral one. He never acted on it.
She helped him realize that his condition was not a disease. It was life. It was something he was dealt and now, he should embrace who he was. For that, he loved her. Yet, Moony was always polite. I can’t say the same.
She was an addiction. When they got married, I swore to myself that it would end. I would leave them alone. She would go off and be happy with my best mate and that would be that. It didn’t work out that way. Eventually, she sought me out and I could feel the boredom emitting from her eyes. She would cry every time I touched her lips, both of us knowing that what we were doing was wrong. Yet, that made it even more right.
She was a good person, the best person I ever knew. As cruel as I could be, I was a better person for knowing her. Her heart was compassionate and full of love. She did love him. She loved him with all her heart. I was just a deadly sin that she couldn’t refuse. She loved him, but as stereotypical as it was, she wasn’t in love with him. She became guilty, knowing that he had never done anything to deserve this.
He hadn’t done one damn thing to deserve what his Lily and I were doing. He didn’t. It wasn’t fair at all. Yet, how was I supposed to stop? I was torn between the woman I loved and the brother I never had. He deserved to have married her and shared a child with her. He deserved it all.
And I deserved nothing. Yet, I was in love with Lily Potter, no longer the girl Evans I once knew. She was a woman and an impacting one at that. She was the reason I woke up every morning.
Near the end, I stopped seeing her. After Harry was born, we both agreed that there were higher things at stake. Her son, her husband, her life. It was too dangerous, too risky, and too immoral.
That last year was pure agony for me. I took to drinking. Everyone thought it was because we were no longer in Hogwarts. Only Lily knew. She tried so hard to convince herself she could live happily with James. She did. She wanted it more than anything. It was the practical solution. She cared for him, but the love was gone. Typically what happens to deteriorating couples. Yet, she wasn’t in love with me either. We were caught between lust and love, no longer allowing the spark between us to remain lit.
And when she died, I never forgave myself. James, the noble one, had been able to die for his family whilst I was off trying to share a fire whiskey with the rat Pettigrew. I had been the one to find them, their stone cold bodies lying amidst the ruins. And I had been the one to find Harry. I had held him in my arms just as Hagrid had shown up. I remember crying so hard, holding the last living piece of my best friend and the love of both our lives. The combination he held between his parents scared me. It was a slap in the face that Lily and James were a family, whilst I was an intruder.
She had been remarkable. And while I sat in Azkaban, wrongly accused, only my innocence and her face kept me sane. For she was uplifting. The moment I escaped, I headed to the graveyard and cried. I missed them both so much. I knew I would never be able to love again.
As forbidden as our love was, it was inescapable.
This was a challenge entry for timeturner's Out of your Realm challenge. I normally write Lily/James. I can now see the brightside of writing Sirius/Lily and the many plot concepts. I may write a multi-chaptered fic on it one day. Who knows? Please review & let me know what you think.
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