A/N: The lyrics under the chapter title belong to a band called Megadeath. I have never heard of them before, lol, but I thought these lyrics fits perfectly well for this chapter. =)

And one more thing, Sara (volition112) is the best! =) Really, she rocks my purple socks! lol! Me loves her very muchas much! haha.

- Kim.

Chapter Four - Insomnia

I'm running in quicksand, something's haunting me.
The guilty past I've buried, my mind won't let me sleep.

For two long weeks I've been walking around with this dreadful feeling of emptiness inside of me. It burns and it stings. It suffocates me. I haven't bothered to go to my job in a week, got a phone call yesterday from my boss letting me know that I no longer had a job attend to. Not that it bothered me, I hated that job anyways.

Instead I've been walking around on the streets of New York, night and day. I have only slept for about seven hours in the past two weeks. I suffer from insomnia -- again. It comes and it goes, my insomnia periods, but this time it has been unbearable. I look and I feel like a total wreck. I take a look at my own reflection in the kitchen window. My eyes are swollen and bloodshot; I look even more pale then usual.

My stomach is rumbling and I realize that it was more then eleven hours since I ate the last time, and eight hours since I threw it up again. I turn away from the window and open my refrigerator it's empty except for a milk bottle and a moldy sausage. I take out the milk, open it and take a sip. It tastes like shit! I rush over to the sink and spit it all out, then I look at the date.

Sep 19 2005.

That was two damn weeks ago. I pour all the milk out in the sink and place the bottle on the counter. I look down at my pale bony hands, the wounds I got when I broke a glass with my hand have healed perfectly after Ginny's treatment. Now they're small scars that's almost not visible, you can only see them if you look really carefully. They're not like my other scars, my scars that never seem to heal. I grab hold of the milk bottle again, I hold it with a firm grip but not so hard that it'll break. I look to the left and I see my reflection in the window again. I can't stand the sight of my thin, lanky body. I can't stand the sight of who I have become. The reflection is smiling at me.

I hate him.

I hate that man that's looking back at me, I want to break him. I throw the milk bottle straight at his face. The bottle breaks when it hits the window and it leaves a big crack in the window. I walk up to the window and I place my hand in front of the large crack that almost reaches from the top of the window to the bottom. I can clearly feel the chilly October wind against the palm of my hand.

I need to get out of here... And I know just where to go.

I walk around in Central Park for hours before I find a bench at the most deserted spot there. I look out over the grass and the yellow and red trees that are slowly swinging in the wind causing a few leaves to leave their branches and sail to the ground. Somehow this reminds me of my childhood home, the Malfoy Mansion. I was born and raised in that house, we had the most wonderful backyard with a lawn that almost seemed endless. There I could play with my friends, play Quidditch with my father or take a walk with my mother. I never had any worries when I was a kid. I didn't know who my parents were working for and I didn't know how he, later in my life, would use me and force me to be one of his men.

I wish I could just kick of my shoes and run across the grass.

I hear someone run past me but I don't look up until he or she drops something on the ground. I pick it up and hold it in my hands, it's a black leather wallet with a small diamond heart as the clasp. It must belong to a woman; I think to myself and look up after whoever was running past me. I see a woman with a hooded shirt running around the corner; she obviously hasn't noticed that she dropped her wallet.

I get up from the bench and I walk fast to catch up with her. Unaware of what my hands are doing, I open the wallet and look at all of the cards, and then I find something very interesting. A picture of Weasel-bee and Granger, she's got her arm around his waist and he's got a little giggling baby girl in his arm. I don't need to look anymore, I know who this wallet belongs to. I mean, who else in New York would carry a picture of Weasley and Granger in her wallet?

Finally I see her, she's stopped by a traffic light.

"Ginny!" I call.

She turns around when she hears her name being called.

I walk up to her, "You dropped your wallet."

"Oh dear god, thank you so much, I've got all the Muggle money I own in there; I was just at the bank--"

"You shouldn't say that out loud, we're in New York City, thieves are lurking in every corner here waiting for their next victim to rob," I tell her as I hand the wallet to her.

"Oh," she says and her cheeks turn pink. "I didn't even notice that I dropped it! I must remember to close this damn bag properly, it's the second time today I've dropped something out of it. I am so glad it was you who found it, thank you so, so, so much for bringing it back to me if I would've lost it--" Suddenly she stops talking and her cheeks turn into a darker shade of pink. She has noticed me staring at her face.

"I'm talking to fast, right?"

I don't tell her that I didn't even notice that she was talking and I don't tell her that I didn't notice because I was too busy watching how her lips curved when she was moving her mouth. And I couldn't possibly tell her how much I adored the freckles on her nose. No, I let her believe that I'm only looking at her because she's talking too much.

"Sorry," she says quietly.

"It's alright," I tell her.

"Well, um, thanks again, I better run. I'm, um, late for class," she mumbles and puts the wallet down in her bag, which she then makes sure that she closes correctly.

I take another step towards her and I reach out my hands towards her face, she almost looks frightened wondering what I'm about to do. I pull the hood of her black shirt of her head and I see her face in another light. She wears no make-up today, maybe that's why the freckles are so visible? Her hair is tied back in a pony-tail and the sun reflects in her gorgeous eyes. Her beauty enchants me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asks quietly.

"I'd like to talk to you," I reply without really realizing what I just said.

"Ok, talk to me!"

"Not here."

"Alright, what about the River Café?" She asks.

"No, I can't stand that place," I tell her. I'm still looking at her beautiful face and I can tell that she is actually eager to talk to me and that she's really trying to think of some place else. I can't help but wondering why?

"Well, maybe we can go to my place," she says but then quickly changes her mind. "Nah, Nicole is probably there right now, and I know for a fact that you wouldn't stand a second with her, I hardly don't so you'd freak out. Oh no, I'm talking too fast again, sorry."

"It's alright."

"No, it really isn't, I feel like such a pain in the arse."

A really pretty pain in the arse, I think for myself and I can't help but smile at my own thought. I don't really know how to smile though, it was such a long time ago since I did it the last time. I try to move the corners of my mouth up but it doesn't work out, I'm glad she's not looking at me at the moment. I wouldn't want her to see my lame attempt to smile. I don't get why I'm even smiling? Because of a pretty girl? That's not like me. Why do I even think she's pretty? There's nothing special about her.

She does have those freckles that I absolutely adore and her hair looks so shiny and soft. and why am I thinking about her? I shouldn't think about her like this, all I need is answers to my questions then I have to promise. but her lips, the way they curve when she talks, she's beautiful. She really is.

No. Don't. Think. About. Her. Think. About. Something. Else.

"Dra- I mean Daniel, are you even listening to me?"

"Uh, no, sorry, what did you say?"

"I said, maybe we can go to your place? Or do you live far away from here?"

"No's the answer to both of the questions," I reply shortly without looking at her.

"Alright, maybe we can just take a walk?" She asks.

"Sure, now?"

"Yeah, now, or. are you busy?"

"No, I thought you were, just a few seconds ago you said you were going to school," I say and look up at her, she's staring straight in to my eyes with a smile on her lips.

"I lied."


"Because two weeks ago you told me that you never wanted to see me again," she replies with a cunning look on her face.

"Well. I lied," I tell her, she giggles and looks down at her feet.

I feel so weird when I'm around her. It's like I'm hot and cold at the same, and when we look into each others eyes something stings in my chest. Like if someone stabs me with a knife every time my eyes meet hers. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't be near her? Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't ask those questions about my past? Maybe I'm supposed to not get all those answers that I've been seeking for a long time now?

"Shall we go?" She asks.


"You're not paying attention to anything I say today," she says with a smile. "Come on, let's go."

We walked back into Central park again, beside each other. We don't say anything for several minutes, not until we walk over a bridge. She stops and grabs my arm to make me stop. I don't like the way she grabs me, I break free from her grip but I turn to look in the direction she wants me to.

"This is beautiful," she sighs and looks out over the lake.

She's right. The view is lovely. The fall colours of the trees and the sunlight reflects in the calm, almost black water. The entire atmosphere is calm and you almost don't hear the sound of all the cars that's buzzing around on the streets of New York.

"It reminds me of home," she says quietly.

I turn my face to look at her instead of the lake, I see her eyes full with tears.

"I come here often," she continues and looks up at me.

"How long have you been in New York?" I ask her.

"Two long years," she replies and looks away from me again. "I haven't seen my family in five months. I've only got this term left though, then I'll study the last two years at a school in London, haven't I told you this before?"

"Yeah," I tell her, now I remember that she's told me about that before. She told me the first time we met here in New York, when she was taking care of my wounded hand at the River Café. Once again I can't take my eyes off her. I love how everything now reflects in her teary eyes and by everything I mean the sun, the deep blue sky above, and the fall colours of the trees.

I close my eyes for a second and I still see her face in front of me, and I see my right hand with a brush, I reach out to add some colour to her hair to give it the perfect red colour. but it doesn't work out because the colours I've got aren't beautiful enough.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'd like to paint you."

"Sorry, what did you say?"

Shit! I actually said that out loud? Damn, damn, damn. I look out over the lake, away from her. "I said nothing."

"You said you wanted to paint me."

"I did not," I snap. Slowly I feel the anger rise inside of me. Why on earth did I say that out loud?

"Yes you did, I heard you."

"You obviously didn't because I didn't say that I wanted to paint you, why would I want to paint you?" I yell and look up at her with angry eyes.

She takes a step away from me, "Ok, sorry, maybe I should just go. Nicole's probably wondering where I'm at."

I scared her. Damn. Now she looks like she's about to leave. I feel torn and I recognize this situation. It's like the dream I had. but instead of the light and the unknown woman, it's my stubborn mind who doesn't want to talk to her and there's this redhead woman with adorable freckles that's just so irresistible. My stubborn mind is pulling me away and her beautiful face is telling me to stay with her. My mind is telling me that finding answers to my questions is bad, but her eyes say that everything will be alright if I only put my trust in her.

"Dr- Daniel."

Her voice wakes me up from my thoughts, from the tearing apart that's going on inside of me. I cut her off short before she says Daniel again, "It's ok, you can call me Draco."

"Alright, Draco. Do you want to talk to me or not?" She says and sounds very annoyed. "Because if you're just going to freak out for the smallest things and yell at me for not doing anything wrong, then I don't want to talk to you!"

"You have no right in this world to tell me what I should or should not do!" I snap.

"Fine, then I'm just going to leave. and if you change your mind and once again decide that you want to talk, DON'T contact me again. I'm not going to take anymore of your crap!"

"What makes you think I'd like to talk to you anyways?"

"Well you've said I'd like t--"

"Shut up!" I interrupt.

"Don't tell me to--"

I cut her off short again, but this time I shout, "I said Shut Up!"

It seems her temper is as fiery as her hair, before I even realize that what I shouted at her she slaps me hard on the cheek with her right hand. "Don't you dare shout at me!" She says through gritted teeth before she turns her back against me and runs away.

My left cheek is hot and it hurts a little bit after her slap. People are looking and pointing at me, "The show is over!" I tell them angrily before I start to walk in the same direction as Ginny ran off to. I didn't mean to shout at her, I didn't mean to fight with her.

I have made up my mind now, I need her. I want her to be my friend.

I walk to where my feet take me and it feels like I'm walking in the right direction. Suddenly I hear distant screams and I know it's Ginny and I know that she's in danger. The closer I get, I hear at least two male voices. "Just give us your money bitch!" One of them yells. Then I hear Ginny cry out loud in pain. My heart races and I start running so that I'll find her sooner.

She cries out in pain once again, "I don't have any money," she sobs. "Please. Let me. Go!"

"Give me your purse bitch!" Another man exclaims angrily. "Just give it to me!"

Finally I see them. There are two men there; Ginny is standing with her back pressed against a house wall she's bleeding from the corner of her mouth and she looks frightened. I run up towards them, it's amazing that none of them sees me, but then again I can be really quiet -- I've had five years of practice. I witness one of the men grab hold of the handbag and tries to take it a away from her. His grip is way stronger then Ginny's and he rips the bag apart. the wallet and everything else that was in the bag flies all over the alley. Her wand is among those things, I stop and pick it up.

Using the wand is the only way out, because there is no way that I could fight those two big guys alone. I point the wand at the guy who's now holding Ginny in a firm grip around her neck. Anger rushes through my veins. I can't let them hurt her. I won't let them hurt her!

"Petrificus totalus!" I shout, he falls petrified to the ground. Ginny falls to the ground too.

The guy who's currently collecting money from the ground looks from his petrified friend to me. I glare at him with hatred, I'm letting him know how much how loathe him for what he's doing to Ginny before I point the wand at him and I petrify him as well.

Ginny is still sitting on the ground with her back leaned against the wall, she's shaking and she stares blankly in front of her. I slowly walk over to her, on the way I repair her bag with a simple spell, that I'm quite amazed that I remember, and I collect all her stuff and put it back in her bag again. I get down on my knees beside her. She looks so lost. Tears are running down her cheeks and now I see that she's bleeding from her nose as well. I want to help her. Heal her.

This is my entire fault and I know it. If I hadn't yelled at her before she never would've walked away and this never would've happened. It's my fault that she's shaking in fear. It's my fault that she's crying.

"Thank. you," she sobs but she doesn't look at me.

"Are you alright?" I ask.

"No," she replies.

Silence fills the atmosphere. Even though there's a lot of noise around us. cars. people. I don't hear a thing but the sound of her crying. It echoes in my head. It burns inside of me, anger, hatred, towards myself. I've hurt her. She's sad. She's crying, here, right in front of me and I can't do or say anything to make her feel better, it's not in my nature to make people feel better. I usually make them feel worse.

But looking at this beautiful woman in front of me, with tears streaming down her cheeks makes me want to scream. It makes me long for pain. The same pain she feels. The pain that takes me from this world. The pain that blinds me from my mistakes. It makes me long for that brief moment of relief that stops me from thinking.

Suddenly she tries to stand up but she's in so much pain that she sits back down again and she looks at me for the first time in several minutes. "Help," she whispers.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Take me to the hospital; I think I might have a broken rib." She stutters.

Inside I scream. It's my fault! My fault! My fault! I need punish myself. I look around, desperately for something that I can use. I find an empty glass bottle, I pick in up and smash it on the ground. I love the sound when it breaks and I love watching the shattered glass fly all over the place.

Soon I forget who I am and where I'm at. I forget that Ginny is sitting right beside me. I'm alone and I have no where to go. The only way out is to use the shattered glass, I rip up the sleeve of my shirt and --

"Draco!! No! Stop!" Ginny exclaims.

But I don't hear her, I hear nothing except the rushing sound of the blood that is leaving me through the deep gash on my arm. And there comes the pain at last.

Ginny takes the broken glass bottle away from me and when I look up, into her eyes. She stares at me, her eyes wide. She looks terrified, I don't blame her. The sight of me must be very frightening. Why did I let her witness this? This can't be good for her amazing eyes to watch, maybe it'll only hurt her more? Why does everything I do make things worse? Why can't I do anything right?

The loss of blood makes me dizzy and it makes my sight blurry. Now I honestly don't know where I'm at anymore. My head is spinning and my entire body is shaking.

"Draco, are you alright?" Ginny asks worriedly.

She calls my name, again and again, but her voice is slowly fading away. I'm drifting away, far away. I'm feeling weaker and weaker, and suddenly everything goes black in front of my eyes. Could this be the cure to my insomnia?

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