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Chapter 3 ~ Escape Pod

* * * * * Tuesday afternoon ~ Sometime before lunch * * * * *

As you can see, considering how you are standing there, listening to my inner-most thoughts like the sadistic freaks you are, with some form of dark magic that I am unaware of, you can see that I am still here.

So you can obviously tell that my minions have been slacking.

Of course it's only understandable. They aren't exactly Minister of Magic material.

But would think that given the amount of time they have had, that at least one of the imbeciles would realize that the Mudblood loving freaks were responsible for my sudden disappearance.

Scratch that.

For a Slytherin, that would be giving the Gryffindors waaaaay too much credit.

No self respecting Slytherin would even consider that a Gryffindor could be smart enough to pull something like this off.

Damn that Granger. Damn her straight to Hades.

Or to Pansy…

Merciful Merlin I'm doomed.

But instead of leaving me to contemplate how utterly screwed I am, perhaps one of you slimy gi... I mean enchanting individuals, could quell a poor ferrets boredom by sharing this dark magic of yours with him.

After all, it's only the polite thing to do after invading one's thoughts. Didn't your pureblood parents ever teach you that?


Oh... Silly me... I forgot that if you are up here, capable of listening to me, that you are surely a Gryffindor girl.

You know I'd feel sorry for you, but I'm having far too much fun laughing at your pathetic state of existence.

Hey! Wait a second! Where are you going!?

Don't leave me here!!

* * * * * 10 minutes later ~ Panic Sets In * * * * *

Sodding hell!

These ruddy Gryffindor bastards have left me locked up with nothing but my cushiony hammock and squeak toys for comfort, and I AM TRAPPED!!!

You heard me! Trapped with a capital T!

Not that I haven't tried to remedy the situation! Because I have been digging at the bottom of this cage for the past 10 minutes!

TEN MINUES! To no avail!

I mean beneath all of these shavings, there has to be a way out! What happened to fire safety laws and the Board of Governors' Regulations?!?!

What if there was a fire?! Surely as air-headed as that ruddy old bat Dumbly-dorey is, he would still realize that over half his students (especially Gryffindors) would be too cowardly and stupid to run back and save their pets (To whom they have a responsibility!) in the event of one!

Can you just picture it? There they are…all gorging their faces full of a luscious, house-elf-prepared meal in the Great Hall when Voldemort gets his way and all hell breaks loose.

The cowardly, ungrateful swine would go running for the Forbidden Forest before they would go running back to their dorms to retrieve their trusty, faithful pets. (To whom they have a responsibility!)

I mean were ruddy magical creatures people! We know not to leave our cages except for in the most dire of circumstances! We can be trusted with things like escape hatches even in the presence of evil orange felines, who we want to skin, and mudbloods, who we long to poison in their sleep!

And what about those of us with owners like Granger!? Not to say that Granger would ever own me, but just think about that abomination of hers!


On second thought, don't. That blasted thing tried to claw its way into my cage this morning. It can burn in the afore mentioned hypothetical inferno, which I plan to set ablaze in this cursed tower's turrets any day now.

But evil orange puffballs aside, it would only make logical sense for there to be an emergency escape door, or pod, or something to be built into every ruddy magical creature's cage!

So where the hell is it!?

Slithering Salazar!

This is a Muggle animal cage isn't it?

I'm infected!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mudblood-ness is not contagious is it?

I mean not for purebloods like myself?

Surely it cannot be!

Salazar not only am I doomed to eternal hell amidst giggling girls and the Orange Abomination, but I'm going to burn to death too!


Wait?! What am I doing? Surely panicking is not the answer.

Scratch that.

I am not panicking.

Malfoys do not panic.

We simply yell, scream, and Crucio-round mudbloods to take out our frustrations.

And since the mudblood has ever so kindly deprived me of my wand, not to mention hands, I will have to resume digging.

But why am I making no progress?

Are my claws are not sharp enough?

Perhaps the manufacturer charmed this cursed cage to be inescapable?


That can't be it!

It's a Muggle cage so the manufacturers couldn't charm it!


But then again...

The Mudblood could have...

That’s it.

If the Mudblood wasn't going to die before, she certainly is now.

I'll just have to keep digging. Yet I still cannot understand why my claws are not getting the job done! I mean, I'm a frigging wizard ferret! And this thing is just plastic! It's only one of the sturdiest materials on earth, but surely it is no match for my claws?

Is it?

* * * * * 5 minutes after that... * * * * *


Ow with a capital O.

If I had thought that I was miserable before, I have been proved wrong. Not only do I now have shavings stuck all over my head, but my front paws are bleeding.

Bleeding, you may ask. Well who would have thought that incessant, panic-induced scratching could do that to a ferret?

On the upside, my nails have now been filed down to lovely little points. All the more perfect for scratching Granger's eyes out.

Or her miserable cat's.

Whomever comes first.

In the interim I have decided to be productive.

Yes, you heard me. Without my minions around I'm learning to do all sorts of things for myself.

However, as soon as I have those easy-to-manipulate baboons around again, I have every intention of never partaking in such a futile activity, like work, again.

Thank you. I know I'm brilliant.

But back to my list.


Are you sure you can handle my brilliance?

Too bad, because here it is.

A Ferret Owner's Commandments

1. Thou shall not allow pitiful excuses of house elves to feed thy ferrets.
Nor shall thou allow such pitiful excuses of house elves to watch thy ferrets eat
while wearing a self-satisfied smirk, or any kind of smirk for that matter.

2. Thou shall never enclose thy ferret within a muggle or mudblood contaminated cage.

3. Thou shall always allow thy ferret a bit of private time,
while Crayola changes out of her school uniform.

4. Thou shall supply thy ferret with fresh shavings, premium kitty litter,
pre-cut, tiny slices of premium meat, and miniature Wizard Weekly cut outs.

5. Thou shall kill thyself if thou even considers feeding thy ferret anything from Furreta's Ferret Food Farm.

6. Thou shall equip thy ferret's cage with an escape hatch and/or pod,
for the possibility of thou being too lily-livered to save thy pet from a natural disaster.
And yes, natural disasters do include Potter being within a 10 meter vicinity.

7. Thou shall provide thy ferret with daily entertainment.
The skinning of all orange abominations constitutes a good activity.

8. Thou shall make sure thy ferret's cage bars are small enough
to prevent all Mutant Abominations from sticking their paws through them.

9. Thou shall not beat thy ferret for scratching any and all mudblood eyes out.

10. Thou shall not turn any humans into ferrets.
Unless they are Mudbloods.

See? There you have it! The Ferret Owner's Commandments!

Please excuse me.

I need to see about finding that escape pod.

Perhaps I can find one going to hell this time of day. Because being around my father would surely be better than this.

The opening picture courtesy of Lexi, caught on camera despiter her adversion to flashes.

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